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Jun 16 2006

Gracias. Now With Zippy.

Zippy
Much has been made of my golden retriever Bert, but for the last 12 years my main dog has been Zippy, part sled dog, part enforcer. She enjoys relaxing on the beach at El Rancho Deluxe and biting mailmen.

I’ve been enjoying the blow job threads so much I forgot to thank, heartfeltedly, all the blamers who recently expressed their interest in my continued existence. Finally, something we can all agree on!

As a result of my revelation that I’ll be getting more body parts amputated (on accounta I got the cancer, if you’re just joining us), I’ve been getting emails from blamers who want to send me stuff. I certainly have no objection to stuff, but seriously. Nothing would warm the Twisty cockles more than if you would all just commit some premeditated act of patriarchy-resistance (you can blame me for it, if you want), and then post your results here.

If, after burning your bra and getting elected to public office and volunteering at the abortion clinic and growing a beard, you still want me to have that special something, you can send it here: [REDACTED]. This is a friend-of-a-friend acting as a mail drop, and though he be reliable and trustworthy, it may take some time for me to actually receive the thing in question.

Note: if you hate me a lot, and think that harassing Dan is a good idea, be advised that my politics are not his. In fact, Dan is a Republican who has, hanging on his favorite wall, a framed photograph of himself shaking George W Bush’s hand in the Oval Office. No shit.

29 comments

2 pings

  1. SisterJ

    Twisty,
    I deeply value your continued existence, if for no other reason than you’re the first person who comes to mind when I read crap like this

    Thirty-eight-year-old garbage collector Hideki Kojima is such a believer in cute he patronizes a “maid cafe,” one of several that have sprung up in Tokyo, where waitresses don maid outfits and greet customers by squeaking: “Welcome home, master.”

    If you weren’t around, my head would explode. So, there, you’ve done your good deed for the day.

  2. schatze

    Commit a “premeditated act of patriarchy-resistance”, eh? Well I’m taking my 6 month old golden retriever in for a neutering, if that counts. Considering how many men take it personally and won’t neuter their dog, I include patriarchy-resistance as a reason along with animal welfare. Don’t worry, I won’t send his balls to you.
    Zippy looks like she might take no prisoners.
    Do continue exisiting and do it well for a long time to come.

  3. B. Dagger Lee

    Once again, an intricate machine devised by Twisty. Presumably Dan will have to either open the packages or use a sexbot-bomb sniffing dog; so, when I send her “Bite Their Weiners Off,” by the Kalamazoo Radical Feminists’ Collective, he will have to peruse it. Very crafty. yrs, BDL

    (I maintain P.G. Wodehouse is the B-version E.F. Benson. See if you don’t agree.)

  4. Pony

    Now THERES a T-Shirt!!

    Commit a premeditated act of patriarchy-resistance

  5. justtesting

    Twisty, glad your’e sticking around. Like the look of your dog, well both of them. Unfortunately my current dwelling does not allow for them, or I’d have a couple myself.

    schatze “Considering how many men take it personally and won’t neuter their dog”.

    Funny that, how men have instant empathy for anything, human or no, with testicles. Yet the poor dears struggle so hard with, and have to have it explained to them so gently, the strange notion of recognising women as deserving anything approaching the same consideration or compassion.

  6. thebewilderness

    I have been considering Freeway Blogging for some time. Unfortunately I don’t have a freeway. I do have a sort of highway, although it’s more of a lowway. Anyway, I’m going to start road blaming. I love words, and you have provided so many excellent words over this past, what, year and a half, I simply cannot keep them to myself any more. I am compelled to share your words with all the sad members of the patriarchy who blithly speed past the small clearing in the woods I call “The Bewilderness”
    I shall start today. I shall post words of Twisty wisdom. I shall get in trouble with the law and enjoy it very much. I am old and they are young and I remind them of their grandmother. Better yet, my Mum reminds them of their great grandmother. Our mere existance makes them uncomfortable.

  7. Erin

    I’ve wondered about Zippy. I remember seeing a shot or two of her around the old place, but since it’s been all Bertie all the time, I didn’t want to ask in case the answer was a sad one. I’m glad she’s still enforcing – how does she deal with the exuberant blond kid?

  8. grrr kitty

    Zippy’s quite the beauty. How’d you get two such good-looking dogs?

  9. norbizness

    They’re specially bred for clearing mesquite branches in the middle of July! I think I’ll hook up our favorite part sled dog with the name of a famous pinhead with an ice-bed.

    Best of luck, I’ll try to send a thing or two via the underground railroad.

  10. Sam

    I post-humorously dedicate this morning’s “grafreedom of speech” black marker revision of a wall painted with a naked woman to you, Twisty.

    -Sam, fastest black marker in the West

  11. Mandos

    Hee hee. She said “cockles”.

  12. Ms Kate

    Just marked one of those plastic wall-holders of papery things you put between your butt and a public toilet seat “Dick Cheney Campaign Hats – Free Take One” in your honor, Twisty.

  13. Ms Kate

    Shouldn’t she be Zerbina?

  14. CarolS

    Okay, I go away for a few days and when I come back, you’re having major surgery. Which leads me to my brilliant idea: take a math aptitude/achievement test before your surgery. After you’ve recovered, take another one. If the patriarchy is right, your scores will skyrocket, once that nasty, retard-izing estrogen is all out of your system. Repeat after Barbie, ladies: “Math is hard.”

  15. bitchphd

    Aww, Zippy.

    Thanks for the addy, Twisty.

  16. kathy a

    aww, zippy!

    twisty — what will lift your spirits, feed your soul, help make up for hospital food? what do you like to read? what food offerings are off the list now? is there some unusual thing from a distant place that would make your day?

    i’m sure people will send what seems right, but a little guidance might help steer choices.

    and speaking of cattle, did the cows ever go home?

  17. meardaba

    I have commited a very premeditated act of patriarchy-resistance: I start volunteering for Options Canada (what was once called Planned Parenthood) on Tuesday.

    I’m glad that my decision has helped you feel better!

    Keep those cockles warm,
    M

  18. CafeSiren

    Zippy was featured in the first IBTP post I ever read (last July or August), on the demise of the espresso machine. I don’t believe there was any actual patriarchy-blaming in the post, but there was indeed some seriously clever word-slinging, accompanied by a photo of Zippy, prostrate with grief (or maybe just as a natural consequence of a Texas summer).

    Come for the prose, stay for the blaming. Or the other way around, if you prefer.

  19. darkymac

    Aha, Zippy the survivor looks to be in good nick still.
    The story of her escape from the abyss is in the archive, but I haven’t the time to pull it up right now.
    My memory is that she was so maltreated as a pup that she was only able to get around by scooting on her sternum.
    What a beauty now!
    And lucky her to have a private beach to cool off on.

  20. Sara

    Zippy!!!

    Zippy is really, really cute. Look at those lovely ears, that fine muzzle, those lovely dark eyes!

    So, she’s more of a selective ankle biter than a generalized ankle sprainer, I take it? Nice. Your canine entourage should have facets, too.

    Long live both the dogs and you, and may you live well, also. That’ll really put a kink in the patriarchy’s hair, and we all know how they hate stuff like that.

  21. Burrow Klown

    I am very glad of your existence and am expecting to be angered, entertained, and inspired by your posts (not that anything you’ve said has angered me, but the things you write about sure do.)

  22. mrs_enid

    Is this Dan character your new secretary, since Phil had reportedly quit in defiance awhile back? If so, what qualifications does one need in order to be hired in that position? A love of fizzy, pink “wine”, an ambivalence about BJs, a photogenic bathroom?

  23. Erin

    Oh, Zippy! I can’t stop laughing about the goo spattered over the internets from the blowjob brouhaha of 2006. What can I do? Whether or not it did the trick for Twisty, between you and me, old girl — I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. I posit that no woman, since the dawn of the patriarchal co-option of human sexuality, has ever read so many words about fellatio with such wry amusement as I have over the past couple of days. Cheers, Zippy! May the floors be cool against your belly and the ankles of unwary postal workers well within reach.

  24. TheGlimmering

    Oh, all right, I’m working on getting the local women’s organizations to back a Serenity Now/Equality Now screening, an effort that will be requiring lots of running round and round soon.

  25. Kelda

    I’ve always been disappointed in my failure to grow a beard. A big beard.

  26. Sylvanite

    Well, I’m giving money to Planned Parenthood. And not having my dad walk me down the aisle, though I am still getting married, which I know is pretty patriarchal. At the age of 35, it just feels ridiculous to have my dad “give me away.” I’ve been out of the house since I was 17, fer cryin’ out loud. I’m my own person, not something he can give away. My mom wasn’t too happy. I don’t know if my dad even gives a damn.

  27. badgerbag

    I’ll dedicate some excellent blaming and resisting to you, Twisty! And to your continued existence.

    I will also part my luscious, glistening lips, lick them slowly, roll my eyes back into my head like a zombie, and take a bite of a delicious fish taco!

  28. FaerieDust

    In honor of Twisty Faster, my premeditated act of patriarchy-resistance:

    Standing at the NARAL Virginia booth at the local fair asking passerby, “Would you like to sign a petition to protect access to birth control?” And having a spirited debate with the fuckard who said that birth control should only be for married people. Or that you just shouldn’t have sex if you don’t want to have kids. I invited him home to share that little tidbit with my husband of 12 years–we’re done having children (two are plenty, thanks) but not so much done having sex.

    Here’s to your continued existence!

  29. maarmie

    My act of resistance? I’m growing out my leg hairs (again) and keeping my legs shut tight against pigs who don’t deserve to taste my love nectar.

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