I sorely underestimated the magnitude of the bang I was going to get out of all the comments in defense of blow jobs. Holy moly! What fun! Hitherto-unplumbed depths of commentarian grossness were fathomed. Hetero porn models were advocated. Quaint Freudian notions were invoked. Status quos were defended. Defensively. Some of you seized the opportunity to acquaint the group with your erotic autobiographies (don’t quit your day jobs!). Some of you even argued that blow jobs are the dudely equivalent of cunnilingus. But then someone actually used the word ‘cum’. I had to call in a haz-mat team to fumigate my office.
“Both of you need to stop delivering broad-based pronouncements on other people’s sexual practices on the basis of what you personally object to.”
I am chastened. I’d forgotten that when it comes to sex, it is the duty of the radical feminist to shut the fuck up. Sex, which, along with religion, is the new religion, is sacrosanct territory. It is anti-feminist to point out the ideological problems with certain patriarchal sexbot traditions because so many women enjoy patriarchal sexbot traditions. It is, in fact, offensive to suggest that getting off has any untoward political ramifications at all. I mean, we’re talking about getting off. It’s the feminist nirvana. Anything goes as long as someone gets off, and besides, it’s none of my beeswax.
Like Germaine Greer always says, if you wanna nail your nutsack to a breadboard and call it sex, it’s A-OK with me!
I must have been insane to question the degrading sexual theatrics that are every woman’s birthright, when the mastery of these theatrics is her invitation to life’s rich feast. It is a well-known fact that most women spring from their beds every morning singing, “O I hope I can blow some dude today!” That poor dumbass who wrote to Flea asking for help in controlling her gagging was just an anomaly.
We all know that in a patriarchy, (and by ‘patriarchy’ I mean a social order in which all women are subject, by universal agreement, to all men), on accounta the power differential, all relationships with men are inherently inequitable.
Except, it turns out, relationships wherein women suck cock! That’s when patriarchy miraculously recedes into the aether and male privilege becomes a distant memory! No woman was ever so free as the woman with a mouth full of throbbing gristle! How could I have been so blind? Less blaming and more cocksucking, that’s my new motto! Mystery solved! The struggle is over!