Consumering is tedious enough without having to do it in some cavernous purgatory staffed by drooling imbeciles in polyester vests. Which is why one of my favorite things about the internet—I am old enough that I still can’t quite calm down about the internet—is that with a few flicks of the wrist I can entirely bypass the greasy subumbra of the soul-squashing mall and cause to appear on the stoop of my bungalow anything I can think of. Such as motorcycles, band-aids, and squirt guns.
Online shopping, of course, is not without its hazards. I dislike the hideous sadism of so many of the Flash-happy web designers, not to mention the probability that Homeland Security internet cops now know my strai
ght-jacket size. But that’s a small price to pay for the indescribable luxury of remaining, as far as drooling imbeciles in polyester vests are concerned, an abstract figment.
Anyway, recently, because it’s 98 degrees up in this mug, I found myself in need of a couple of thin undershirts, the kind with spaghetti straps. The trick, if you’re me, is to find them without the popular nipple-concealing suspension engineering known as a ‘shelf bra’ (in exactly one week I will be entirely gazonga-free, at which moment will evaporate forever my obligation to cinch my ribcage with shelf bras. And all other hot, suffocating spandex). So I was doing a little online window shopping. All this to explain how I happened across J. Crew’s new kiddie site, where you can buy $150 cheap-crap-from-China silk gowns for toddlers to wear to weddings.
Here’s the splash page from the “Shop For Boys” section, captioned “Our new cast of critters.”
And here’s the splash page from “Shop For Girls.” Caption? “Dresses, dresses, dresses.”
See, girls love clothes, not sailboats, dogs, or frogs.