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Jul 10 2006

Symmetry Awaits Spinster Aunt

the sparkling lemony laxative
Yesterday’s dinner. You know what smells really bad? My ass.

It’s a lovely day for an amputation here in Austin, so in about an hour I’ll begin infesting a large midtown hospital for just that purpose. In a couple of days I’ll be back with more grisly photos of flaccid hospital food and gross scars. Hold the fort yo.

By the way. I’ve written about some disgusting television, but that show “Bridezilla” takes the fucking cake.

116 comments

  1. Sylvanite

    Good luck on the surgery. I know I look forward to your return from the hospital. May your recovery be swift!

    I can’t bring myself to watch “Bridezillas.” I’d rather watch a show about horrible skin diseases, or parasites, than watch a bunch of grown women make asses out of themselves for a single day of ritual.

  2. caroline

    May a skillful surgeon and a quick and easy recovery be on the path, Twisty. And all the best drugs to smooth the way. Will be sending you all healing vibes possible.

  3. Hawise

    I hope that Bridezillas is not the memory that you will take into the operating room. Think cheery thoughts about cow-free pastures and dogs that don’t dig. Our best wishes go with you.

  4. hedonistic

    There is actually a show called Bridezilla? For real?

    My wish is for your quick and relatively pain-free recovery! We’ll miss you while you’re out.

  5. Cass

    Best wishes, my love. We’ll all be waiting for you on the other side.

  6. Joanna

    We all are thinking about you with much fierce love.

  7. Arianna

    Good luck and healing vibes, Twisty. We anxiously await your return.

  8. apophenia

    Lawdamighty, that magnesium citrate stuff is vile. May no part of your recovery be worse than that. May your surgeons’ blades be swift and true. And may the drugs be truly badass.

    I beseech The Great Whatever on your behalf for a speedy recovery.

  9. anne

    Thinking of you here, and sending good thoughts. Best of the best to you, dearest Twisty.

  10. barlyru

    Dear Twisty,

    Lately I’ve been reading (in Michael Pollan’s book “The Botany of Desire”) about how honeybees are drawn to flowers possessing a high degree of symmetry. So you’ll have to watch out for bees now.

    I’ll pine for your return, whereupon I shall blame like the wind.

    xoxo.

  11. No Blood for Hubris

    Heal quickly and well.

  12. yentele

    Good luck Twisty.

  13. robin

    We’re a large crowd out here sending you streams of fortitude, admiration, solace, prayers, and ardent best wishes that you feel better soon.
    Please come back whenever you’re able and blast “Bridezilla” et al to smithereens.

  14. femhist

    I’ll try to blame in double-time while you’re away, but there’s really nothing that will make up for your absence.
    Best wishes.

  15. Sara

    Hang in there, dear. And stay away from the “reality” TV. That stuff’ll kill ya.

    Best wishes for as smooth a ride as possible, and better things to put in your mouth real soon!

  16. rumblelizard

    Best wishes for a successful surgery and a speedy recovery!

  17. Katchen

    Good luck Twisty

  18. Betsy

    Best wishes to you, Twisty.

  19. Smiler

    All best wishes to you for a speedy return to blaming.

  20. Ron Sullivan

    Oy, what an unworthy meal. I do hope you have local friends who will bring you real food while you’re incarcerated. For what it’s worth, this time it should be smoother and less painful, because less ham-handed exploratory digging around. (Knock wood.)

    And if you must watch such TV and/or listen to the talk of your more amusing visitors, here’s a bit of nursely advice: If you have an abdominal incision (or just a sore gut), grab a pillow and brace the sore bit with it when you laugh. Or cough. Or blame at the top of your gentlemanly lungs.

    See you here soon, I hope! Easy going and fast recovery to you.

  21. SingOut

    All my good thoughts are with you, Twisty!

  22. alwaysarousedgirl

    Best wishes to you for an easy surgery and rapid recovery. Bridezilla, that’s horrible. Does the winner get put out of her misery by all of her (former) friends?

  23. kreepyk

    Twisty,

    I hope everything goes well and you have a speedy recovery.

  24. cjkoho

    Wishing you a speedy and largely painfree recovery. You’re in my thoughts!

  25. MissPrism

    Best wishes, Twisty.

  26. bitter-girl.com

    I’m holding down the blaming fort in your absence, although not nearly as blametastically as you could:

    http://www.metafilter.com/mefi/52895
    http://bitter-girl.com/?p=1281

    Good luck on the surgery!

  27. Oaktown Girl

    Good luck, and best wished for a speedy recovery. We’ll be thinking of you!

    Yes, I’ve seen “Bridezillas”, and I’ve lived to tell the tale. While vile, not nearly as Patriarchy-affirming as this other show that I believe is called, “My Sweet 16. “, or something like that. I think it’s on MTV.

    The show is all about the most vile, spoiled, female teenagers in the world holding their parents’ love hostage in exchange for the Ultimate Sweet 16 birthday party. The party in turn is a device used mostly to impress their friends and intimidate their enemies. Anyone who thinks they can “imagine” the how disgusting it is has no idea.

    No. Idea.

  28. TinaH

    If I’m learning my way around this blog properly, I feel reasonably safe in asserting that Bridezillas are entirely the fault of the patriarchy.

    Best wishes for speedy recovery from surgery.

  29. Sam

    Hope all turns out for the best, Twisty.

    Michael Pollan’s book “The Botany of Desire”

    One of my all-time favorite books, and summer is a great time to read it because the apples are just ripening.

  30. CafeSiren

    Good luck with the surgery, Twisty. In your honor, I will double up on my patriarchy-blaming while you’re away, and will submit a full report upon your return.

    For starters: I can’t imagine the point of a show like “Bridezillas,” except for the old argument: “Women are crazy and irrational.” Fuck TV programmer-patriarchs. At least Aaron Spelling is dead.

  31. CafeSiren

    My comment is being moderated, so I’ll content myself with a “good luck, Twisty — we love you,” and hope it gets through.

  32. thebewilderness

    What is with these “If you thought your family and friends were idiots, check out these asshatts” teevee shows. I refuse to accept the idea that the insanity on display in fake reality shows is real. I have never met anyone remotely similar to any of the scripted performances displayed on these vile exploitative crappy shows. In the interest of full disclosure I must admit the only time I have seen one is by accident.

  33. cypress

    My mother was always on about no safety pins in the bra and clean underwear on going outside the home – clean on the inside, or at least empty, seems to have been required of you. That’s not so pleasant.

    Smooth, speedy and complete recovery, Twisty. We’re all here, probably if you look over your shoulder, you’ll almost see us waving.

    Be well.

  34. Dr. Free-Ride

    I would suggest that you see if your surgical team could also amputate Bridezillas, but really, as long as they do a good job getting you through the procedure, I can handle crappy reality shows on the TV.

    Best of luck.

  35. Joanna

    Lemony flavor? Does it really say “sparkling” on the bottle? Yeesh.
    *waving*

  36. Amber

    Good luck Twisty, and here’s to hoping they give you some good drugs. See you soon.

  37. Sylvanite

    The bridezilla seems to be, on the one hand, a product of the wedding-industrial complex, and on the other hand, a bludgeon with which to punish women who just happen to be getting married if they say no to someone else’s suggestion. Is there any greater lie told to prospective brides than “Remember, it’s your day!”? Gah!

  38. Kaethe

    Best wishes on your symmetry operation. I hope you can find something other than Bridezilla to watch.

  39. sphex

    My thoughts are with you, Twisty.

  40. Bantam

    Best wishes, Twisty. May the surgery be smooth, the recovery quick, and the hospital food unexpectedly edible.

  41. jms

    I’m sending you my love and best wishes for a speedy and uncomplicated recovery. I’ll miss your blaming while you’re gone — so please get well quickly!

  42. slade

    That citrus stuff doesn’t taste so bad…but I know what you mean about the results.

    You’ll be back blaming in no time….hope the drugs, staff, and food are surprisingly pleasant.

  43. witchy-woo

    Good vibes are on their way from me over here to you over there. I hope all goes well for you.

  44. dogged.

    Get someone to smuggle some tacos into the hospital for you–nothing says “speedy recovery” like a Mi Madres #0. I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed that all goes well.

  45. Violet Socks

    I’m thinking about you, Twisty. Hope the surgery goes well and you have a good, quick recovery.

  46. RCinProv

    Does that actually say “pleasing lemony flavor” in the bottle?! Yikes.

    I wish you well and look forward to the return of your wit and wisdom.

  47. jbeeky

    I will miss you.

  48. vera

    It does say “pleasing lemony flavor”! Can we sue if it tastes like crap? Or just blame the patriarchy?

    Good luck Twisty. May you be out of the hospital soon!

  49. KMTBERRY

    Magnesium Citrate is amazing stuff. I am sorry you had to reacquaint yourself with it’s lemony goodness! There is, truly, nothing else on Earth like it.

    I hate that this is happening to you.

    I hope you get lots and lots of the very B*E*S*T painkillers.

  50. KTal

    Good to read that you intend to be back on the hunt again soon. This hyena has been waiting in the desert for far too long for the lioness to make her kill. The thought of your next prey has me licking my chops in anticipation.

  51. LurkerD

    Suckitude. Survival. Best to you; take good care.

  52. kathy a

    stupid fucking cancer. and that “meal,” too.

    here’s to good bedside manners on the part of the recovery team, and good meds. i’m also rooting for your room to be attended by people you like [keep the call button handy in case of emergency]. and if you aren’t quite ready for tacos, for acceptable substitutes to be available immediately.

    xoxoxo

  53. TP

    Strength and courage! Remember we love you.

    Remember you are not only loved because you are clever and fascinating and cool, you are also loved for no reason at all, just because you are you.

  54. Aussie Liz

    Twisty, while they operate, and while you recover, know that there are likeminded women and men all round the world thinking of you, waiting and yearning for your complete recovery.

    Best of best wishes, and all our strength to you.

  55. Mollie

    I hope you get really nice nurses. Best wishes to you.

  56. mpando

    I just got word that the surgery went well. So relieved.

  57. winna

    I’m so glad to hear that!

    Come back soon, Twisty, and may Bridezilla cringe before your wrath!

  58. Aefly

    Good luck and come back soon!

  59. Vibrating Liz

    May the recovery be as successful as the surgery. I’m looking forward to lurid, graphic photos of flaccid green jello. Give em hell, Twisty.

  60. bitchphd

    Best wishes, Twisty.

  61. ozma

    I hope the amputation is easy, as amputations go and that you recover quickly and easily. Cancer is bullshit but symmetry can be nice so I hope you are enjoying yours soon.

  62. Violet

    Best wishes for a speedy recovery and a quick return to blaming. Perhaps you should consider starring in your own ‘Blamezilla’ reality series. Every episode would have our amputee spinster aunt crashing a wedding with the purpose of convincing the bridezilla-to-be that she is caught up in a patriarchal conspiracy to turn her into a state-owned domestic worker/baby machine.

  63. Katchen

    Mpando, thanks for sharing that; great to hear.

    Best wishes Twisty

  64. buttonwillow

    Twisty!
    Glad to read that things are going well so far. All best wishes to you.

  65. Sylvanite

    Yay! Glad the surgery went well.

  66. laughingmuse

    I am very very glad to hear that the surgery went well. *letting out a held breath*

    Twisty, get well soon, think of the tacos that await your glorious return, and in the meantime we will soldier on in the blaming!

  67. MzNicky

    While we’re awaiting the return of our newly symmetrical spinster aunt, anyone wanna discuss this new article by Barbara Ehrenreich?

    “Gimme That Old-Time Feminism”:

    http://www.alternet.org/story/38664/

    And am I the only one who’s never heard of little-toe amputation (“pink-ectomy”? Jeezus) in order to wear teeny-tiny pointy shoes?

  68. claire

    Athiest best wishes. People who have never met you care about you and wish you well. I hope you can keep blaming, and convincing me to move from Houston to Austin.

    Also, for your recuperation may I recommend the following mindless tv shows: Arrested Development, The Office, Battlestar Galactica (skip season 2)

    Hope to see a post from you soon.

  69. Charles

    Symmetry: Good, or not? A friend just had a double mastectomy — good thing, too, they found precancerous tissue in the one they weren’t sure they needed to remove. Another friend and I were discussing whether we’d get implants in the event one testicle was removed a la Lance Armstrong. He was for it, on symmetry grounds, but he utterly failed to convince me.

    Anyway, I was glad to read the surgery went well; best wishes for a speedy, icky-food-free recovery!

  70. Delphyne

    Good luck, Twisty.

  71. redneckmother

    Best of luck with your recovery part deux. If you need anything knitted, say the word.

  72. FamousSovietAthlete

    Twisty, I love you.

    (I’d like clarify that this is probably the seventh time I’ve said this here, and no, you haven’t stepped into a blame box time warp.)

  73. orourkem

    All the best, Twisty.

  74. Lara

    Best wishes are winging, tunnelling, and floating their way from the Antipodes.

    I hope you haven’t been turned off real lemons forever, only the ersatz magnesiumy ones.

  75. Sara

    Thank you, mpando.

    Twisty, I hope you’re feeling okay, all things considered, and that you’ll be toplessly scandalizing the ladies at the country club soon.

  76. Jezebella

    O Matriarch of Blame
    May you blame long and prosper
    eating tacos unblemished by frisee
    in your state of awe-ful symmetry

  77. grrr kitty

    As are the throngs of your other adoring well-wishers, I am relieved to hear your surgery went well. Shit fire and save matches, *that’s* the most awkward sentence ever written. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  78. Arianna

    Jezebella, why is it when I read your poem, I am seeing William Blake’s Tyger in my head?

    Glad to hear the surgery went well! Wishing you a speedy recovery, Twisty.

  79. Jodie

    I’m glad it went well. I miss you, and I know that better fare awaits you than nasty mag citrate. Ugh.

  80. pippa

    Glad it went ok. A small part of Salford wishes you a fast recovery. Come back soon. xxx

  81. SisterJ

    Sending you love from the City of Spinsterly Love. And some righteous anger to kick cancer’s ass with.

    Blame on.

  82. Mar Iguana

    Yesss! You’ll be up and blaming in no time.

  83. Friggas Own

    I’ve been reading for a while, I’m sorry I didn’t register before this. I wanted to say we’re sending all our good thoughts and best wishes to you, Twisty. May your drugs be top notch and your recovery swift!

  84. larkspur

    “Pleasing lemony flavor…The Sparkling Laxative…”

    Sheesh. It would be less offensive if they just told the truth: “Magnesium Citrate: It’s Disgusting But You Hafta Drink It, So Make Sure It’s Really Cold, Then Choke It Down In A Hurry, And Know That We Are SO Very Sorry, And Remember That We Are The Reason That Adage Was Invented: ‘This Too Shall Pass” And Pass And Pass….”

    Glad to hear the sparkly lemony thing is over and that the surgery went well. Now come the long days of extreme owieness, discomfort, reassertion of your physical integrity, and annoying noises in the hall. After that will come walks, tacos, and general ruminatin’, and after that, it’s Frisbees with Bertie, et al. And restroom photos. And always, blamin’.

  85. HenrisMom

    Hey there, Miss Twisty…

    I’ve come out of lurking to send you good wishes and white light during your recoup period. My fella and I read your thoughts all the time and consider you our favorite maiden auntie (even though we’re probably BOTH older than you are!) Your attitude is great and your healing will be swift, I know -

    Hugs (gentle ones)
    JJ

  86. Princess of Cybermob

    I hope you have a speedy recovery, dear fellow spinster aunt.

  87. Joanna

    Great news! (I hope the spamulator robot doesn’t eat this one too!)

  88. Broce

    My thoughts are with you, Twisty.

  89. kcsheehan

    Very best wishes, Twisty. Be well soon.

  90. Ann Bartow

    Get well soon so we can start planning Blamecon! Or so that we can start blaming Blamecon! Warmest regards and and humorously ironic hang-in-there-Twisty kitten posters to you.

  91. Miss Haversham

    I’ll be thinking of you! There’s lots of people wishing you a speedy recovery! Can’t wait to have you acerbic blame bile back!

    - A fellow Spinster.

  92. Cast Iron Balcony

    Best wishes Twisty. Hope you recover soon and get some more than decent food!

    Stroking Bert’s ears is good therapy but then, you knew that.

  93. Luckynkl

    Best Wishes, Twisty.

  94. Jennifer

    Another of your spinister aunt well-wishers here, Twisty. I luv you bigger than the big Texas sky and hope you will ask for (and receive) anything and everything you need to recover from this ordeal as gracefully as possible.

    Do you like coconut macaroons? They always make me feel better and I would be more than happy to make some and send them to your dude overnight.

  95. Mandy

    Hope your recovery is smooth and as pain-free as possible, Twisty. We will all be here when you come back, like a warm nesty nest. Thinking of you.

  96. bluestocking

    I’m new and I really enjoy your blog, Twisty. I disovered you through the whole “false advertising” brouhaha and found your uncolonized take on the issue as refreshing as … I don’t know, something really refreshing. Iced tea? A jump into an icy mountain stream?

    I hope your hospital is well stocked with good drugs and kind and competent staff. Get better and back to blaming soon – because frankly we need more blamers.

  97. j0lt1

    Best wishes for a speedy recovery, Twisty.

  98. jodie a.c.

    Good luck.

  99. suezboo

    What more can I say? What everyone else says and feels – me too.

    Get better. Good drugs. Tacos soon. Bert here, Stingray, sister and all of us wishing you well.

  100. Vibrating Liz

    Just wanted to say I’m checking in here every three or four minutes, anxiously awaiting further updates. I really hope Big Pharma is coming through with a decent anti-agony regime, and all is going well.

  101. jami

    best wishes, twisty.

  102. kathy a

    (((( twisty )))) we’ll need photos of the atrocities that are dinner. you do get to rest up, ms. auntie, but can’t blame us blamers for checking in every so often to wish you well.

  103. bigbalagan

    I’m hoping this pain will result in huge longevity, I need your continuing help to think straight out here in the media s#^t storm.

  104. JJkenx

    Get well soon Twisty.

  105. shannon

    Congrats on the impending symmetry, but sorry it requires bad food and scarring.
    Be very well, very soon!

  106. siriosa

    holding you in the light. keeping a candle burning. don’t mind about the scars: it’s just extreme body modification. all the cool kids are doing it, and you leave them in the dust. i hope you have as many people around to peel you grapes and adjust your pillows as you want, and no more. you’ve got a powerful team out here. perhaps you can hear us cheering you on.

  107. justtesting

    best wishes for a painless and speedy recovery

  108. Katchen

    Ehewwww; I just looked up ‘bridezilla’. I hadn’t heard the term before, now I feel all icky & disturbed.

    Best wishes Twisty.

  109. accordianchick

    Best wishes to you, dear Twisty. Lots of love, good vibes and wet smooches from my pooches.

  110. eRobin

    I’m glad to hear that the surgery went well. Here’s hoping for a good recovery. Get home ASAP!

  111. roozen

    Thinking of you Twisty! I send you lots of love.

  112. mel

    Good luck to you, Twisty. I’ll be thinking of you!

  113. thebewilderness

    May the light always find you on a dreary day.
    When you need to be home, may you find your way.
    May you always have courage to take a chance,
    And never find frogs in your underpants.

    a middle aged scandanavian

  114. JackGoff

    Twisty, I rarely post here, and I know that strangers wishing you well might ring a bit hollow, but I sincerely hope the best for you. My thoughts are with you.

  115. Joanna

    The spamulator may eat this message too, but it can’t defeat the powerful collective vibes of healing and love beaming their way to you, Twisty!

  116. Kaka Mak

    Thinking of you every day, Twisty.

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