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Jul 19 2006

Back From The Abyss

Uniboober
The Uniboober, sent in by the blaming Burt family

First, my heartfelt thanks to everyone who sent their tokens of esteem down here. Ensmellulated soap! Muffins! Mary Oliver! Queen Lucia! CDs of your music! Space pen like on ‘Seinfeld’! The Uniboober! The depth of the blaming community’s generosity knows no bounds.

To those of you who have emailed to inquire after my health, a brief synopsis: a week ago last Monday I had what my sister Tidy calls a two-fer: mastectomy’n'hysterectomy (the procedure was entirely prophylactic, the result of my having recently discovered that I possess the pesky BRCA2 mutation). Unlike Boobalectomy ’05, this time I was fortunate to have had an adequately competent anesthesiologist. I was in the hospital for two days, during which interim I divided my attentions between puking from morphine and begging for more morphine. Upon returning to the Twisty Compound, I took to my bed for seven days with a fever, a bottle of Vicodin, and a small television (a full report on my TVpalooza to follow shortly). I lost 10 pounds.

Three days ago I ate something (Buddhist Delight from Suzi’s Chinese Grill).

Yesterday an awestruck hush fell upon the city as I emerged at last for a trip to the ta-ta surgeon to get my 19 staples removed and my drain tube pulled out. Thereupon a woman transformed, I proceeded with Stingray directly to an upscale boutique (By George on 6th St) for what I believe is popularly referred to as ‘retail therapy’. I bought an absurd indigo pinstripe linen suit in which I look so devastatingly handsome I dare not wear it amongst mortals. Take that, cancer. I answer your challenge with white middle class consumerism.

Boobalectomy '06, part 2
What’s left of my left side, feat. MC Gruesome Drain Tube. Yes, it was sewn directly to my skin with black thread. Yes, it hurt.

You must all think me an ungrateful slutbag for taking so long to acknowledge your kindness in sending me your cheery words of encouragement and/or tasteful booty. There’s no doubt I have been rottenly self-absorbed lately. Last night, though, like Harriet Vane, I finally managed to fall asleep thinking about somebody besides myself, so perhaps there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

Meanwhile, Lauren sent me this cruel shoes link. Yipes. They’re like armadillos for your feet, if armadillos had spurs and cost $6000.

63 comments

1 ping

  1. Sylvanite

    Ha! The cruelty of narcotic painkillers is boundless. I could never be a heroin addict due to the vomiting, which is easily one of my all-time least favorite activities.

    It’s good that you’re up and around, and able to eat again. I’m also happy to hear that you had a competent anaesthesiologist this time, presumably one who does not personally recall the extinction of the dinosaurs.

  2. Sylvanite

    Darn moderation! What did I say that upset the spam filter?

  3. anne

    I’m so glad you’re seeing light at the end of the tunnel!

    I don’t really have much to say, other than – much love to you, T.

  4. schatze

    I don’t know what further insults your body must endure, but I hope they are slim to none and that life gets easier for you with each passing day. I hesitate to hope for getting back to normal for I am at a loss as to what normal is. Just recover, put this behind you and be well.

  5. Lisa

    Twisty,

    I’ll bet you look smokin’ in that new linen suit!

    Those staples, though? They look like something from a movie. How much did it hurt to get those things out? And the drain tube, too. My Mom said the drain tube was the worst part.

    Thank you for the fearless photos. They are amazing and resonate in me long after I walk away from the computer.

  6. Lara

    Welcome back!

  7. Twisty

    Getting rid of the staples and tube was a picnic compared to the run-up. The area around the pectoral scar is entirely numb, so I could barely feel the staples coming out. And the tube? It just felt like somebody pulling a tube out of my chest. Not painful, but damned weird.

  8. jje0000007

    Of course, nobody considers you an “ungrateful slutbag” but some of us may find the “ungrateful slut bag” descriptor so entrancing that we’d post here solely for that damned weird sensation of writing “ungrateful slutbag” three times.

    I blame the patriarchy and ungrateful slutbags. Welcome back to the great wide world of fustigation.

  9. apophenia

    EEEEYOWTCH!

    What exactly IS that Uniboober? Other than a rockin interpretation of our matriarch.

  10. MzNicky

    Yeah, I was sitting around thinking: I wonder if that ungrateful slutbag Twisty is ever gonna take time out from her post-hyst/mast partying and think about us again? Well, it’s about time, young lady. Do you think we’re just waiting around out here with nothing better to do than check in constantly to see if you’ve finally decided to post something new?

    Actually, I don’t, and that’s what I’ve been doing, and I’m so fucking relieved to see you back, even if it means a tear or two trickled down this cynical old blamer’s face this morning. Fer crissake I hope this shit is over with, darling Twisty. What’s next? Five years of Tamoxifen or whatever? And may we see a picture of you in that new pinstriped linen suit? And fuckall I’m glad to see you back.

  11. norbizness

    Damn the Cronenbergian school of healing arts! Just wanted to say hi again, Twisty, and to thank my lucky asteroid that everything is slowly getting back to normal.

    As for those shoes, I can just imagine that they would be de rigueur for a big-haired Dallasite if she found out she were jousting at the Renaissance Festival.

  12. Joanna

    Oh, my that looks as if it hurts like holy hell.
    I’m so happy that you are able to eat again! I hope we’ll see a photo of the linen suit some day.
    Welcome back, dear Twisty!

  13. Ms Kate

    Did that come with a zipper pull? Yowwwwch!

    Must see that pinstripe suit – perhaps you could accessorize with a violin case and a fedora? Twisty: Armed and Blamerous!

  14. a

    Glad you’re back, Twisty. I can now pause my obsessive reading of every past post for the reading of new ones! Thrilling. Those are some pretty impressive staples, by the way.

  15. Sara

    I fucking hate staples!!! And black suture!!! And opiates!!! And, oh yeah, cancer!!!

    May this be the last occasion by which you will ever have to experience any of it.

    Oh, and BTW, even though you are still a woman and therefore technically the property of the Patriarchy, despite the fact that your potential uses are limited now that you can’t make babies, you are supposed to be self-absorbed when you’re deathly ill. Even the Patriarchy excuses this, as long as there’s no man waiting for you to produce his dinner. (See Tampopo for clarification.)

    Now, on to the shoes — I am wracking what’s left of my brain and cannot think of who wore shoes like that on Babylon 5. Anybody?

    They are wicked cruel-looking, but I have to say I kind of like the spurs. If one is somehow forced to wear a pair of shoes that hurt, it seems only fair to have weapons on them in order to spread the pain around.

  16. Amber

    Glad to see you back. I think the shoes would go well with that smashing suit.

  17. Ron Sullivan

    Drainage tubes, removal of: I’ve known people to start to giggle and then puke at the sheer weirdness of it. And s6taples, cripes.

    That typo’ll have to stand, speaking of weirdness. (Joe’s using his computer and ÃŽ’m defying reason and sense by posting via IE, which is like trying to apply toenail polish in a whirlpool bath.)

    Do we get a pohoto of the new suit, preferably wiht you in it? Do I get my second coffee now? Is a pohoto a photo of a potato ho’? Actually it sounds like a Hawai’ian improvised shelter. Please no slippahs in the pohoto. Mahalo!

    And where the hell’s Mandos?

    Glad you’re up and blaming again, but mostly glad you’re eating again. Losing ten pounds while flat on your back, wait, does that include, oy, never mind. Just feel better.

  18. EasyDiverChris

    You are an amazingly brave woman, Twisty.

    I don’t think I’d have the strength to post pictures of myself in any shape, let alone post-operatively.

    May your recovery be swift now that you are drain and staple-free.

    Best wishes and a gently hug.

  19. sinda

    If Matt ad Katie have any sense, they gave you that suit.

    I’m so glad you’re well – well enough for a Sayers reference, My God!

    Suzi’s does cure all.

  20. saltyC

    I finally had a Twisty dream last night, that you were back giving us excellent opinions on TV, posting photos of your new hi-tech flip-flops and then I went to your house for a party.

    Some of it came true.

  21. accordianchick

    Yeah, Twisty’s back! I want to see photos of your suave-a-licious Twistyness in your pinstripe suit!

  22. kactus

    I second everything everybody said, and whoa, Sara–a tampopa ref! Thank you!

  23. SoozeZ

    Oh, Twisty, I too couldn’t wait for you to just quit thinking only of your post-boobalectomy/uterectomy drain-bearing, nauseated, morphinated self to stop being so self-centered and remember to think of us blamers instead!

    Hope your body continues to heal, your big owies turn quickly small and then nonexistent, and that there is lots of good food that you love. We love you, too. Photos of you in the amazing suit will be required.

  24. Roov

    Been thinkin’ of you. Glad to see you back. Great joy causing mysterious inability to use personal pronouns.

    Basically, what everyone else said about the feeling better and continuing to a long and productive career of blaming and dinner.

  25. Yankee Transplant

    Dear gawd, Twisty, the staples are absolutely merciless looking, and IBTP for their gruesomeness! Loved hearing about the pin stripe suit-it sounds perfect for healing. Been thinking about you a lot. Be well and blame on!

  26. Pony

    Spurs on FM shoes? Yes! Payback.

    Ouch on the staples. I had no idea they still used those things. Why why? I’ve had a couple vertabrae re-alignments, two partial booble thingeys, a hip adjustment, three non-descript organ things, but never staples. Eh?! I’m definitely demanding staples next one up. They do things with such panache in Austin.

    Please. Recline.

  27. MzNicky

    saltyc: Whoa — I had a Twisty dream last night, too! Swear to “God”! It was one of those that went on and on for what seemed like an hour and I can still remember almost all of it vividly!

    And then, when we awoke, there she was! Okay, I’m scared.

  28. norbizness

    … THE hands of FATE!

  29. B. Dagger Lee

    So, Pony, it takes the second rising of Twisty to bring Pony the Baptist back from trampling vipers and wandering in the desert? So nice to see you, you old pony you.

    Twisty, it might be time for a rite-of-passage tattoo. A Rite-Of-Passage Tattoo Contest.

    –BDL

  30. Mandos

    I too am at a loss to imagine who wore the heels on B5, but then I missed the extraneous 5th season. Must…obtain it.

  31. R. Mildred

    fuck you B. Dagger, don’t dare try to make IBTP a hostile place for Pony to comment at.

    Ban him please Twisty, I know it’ll harsh your mellow – being back all healthy and all – banning someone so soon, but that was so unbelievably uncalled for that Trolly B miogyny there needs his ass kicked off.

    IMHO.

  32. R. Mildred

    or maybe you weren’t being sracastic and nasty.

    Who set my trigger to “hair” dammit!?

  33. thebewilderness

    Angela Merkle could have used those shoes the other day.

    Hope you are recovering apace now that the hardware has been removed.

  34. Vibrating Liz

    So who did you fall asleep thinking of?

  35. B. Dagger Lee

    Dear R. Mildred:

    La! This heat does have us all on edge, doesn’t it? That and the world on fire.

    Pony and I are friends. I am very fond of Pony. I was complimenting Pony. My eyes lit up at the sight of Pony.

    And who you calling ‘he’?

    I’m a big, big, big tough old B. Dagger. You couldn’t even reach my ass to kick it off. As it happens, I’m nine feet tall. And my hands are like large tough palermo hams.

    But when I breaks, I breaks just like a little girl.

    yrs, B. Dagger Lee

  36. Jodie A.C

    It is good to hear that you are on the recovery, Twisty!

  37. KTal

    Damn it! Where the hell have you been? I sliced my finger on the roof yesterday, slammed my thumb with a hammer, had a hangnail the other day, got athlete’s foot, got really hot working on the roof in a heat wave yesterday and where are you?

    Hanging with the nurses, abusing opiates, watching daytime television and giving away your organs.

    Yeah, like you get all the fun and I have to suffer.

    No really, glad to see you are recovering and I at least can wait until you are damn good and ready to do whatever you want to do. Hope though, that you want to post to this site sometime soon.

    You’re a tough one and I salute you.

  38. Pony

    Cheers to both of you, BDL and RM.

  39. Jodie A.C

    Not that I think any you are ‘out of the loop’, but have you seen this?

    http://pandagon.net/2006/07/16/hope-the-strawfeminist-is-a-submissive-so-at-least-shell-enjoy-all-this-beating

  40. Aussie Liz

    After I read your post, I went to adjust my socks (it’s winter here) and the sight of the zipper on my boots made me recoil – Twisty, they ZIPPED you with those staples! They ZIPPED you! Humans are just so weird, and isn’t skin the strangest thing.

    It was good to see such a joyful post, after such a traumatic experience, Twisty. Truly, you are an inspiration.

    If you get a spare mo, though, could you explain the Harriet Vane reference? I thought she fell asleep memorising quotes from english literature to sprinkle into conversations the next day.

  41. saoba

    You’re back and you’re posting! Can Blaming be far behind?

    I’ve been limiting myself to checking the site twice a day and reciting over and over ‘No news is good news’ but I didn’t quite believe it. I gave a sigh of relief so mighty it may have affected the weather patterns here in the Williamette Valley.

    Cannot wait to see a photo of the suit, bet you look hella fine in it.

  42. Betsy

    god jesus, Twisty, you have been through some shit.

  43. Jodie

    We mortals await the unveiling of the Twisty suit. We promise to use a mirror to look at the computer screen so we won’t be blinded by your magnificence. (Pretty please, can we see it?)

  44. Jezebella

    oh, unflinching lens! Hannah Wilke would be proud.

  45. wheelomatic

    First time I ever saw staples in flesh was across my mom’s tummy after her ute-ectomy. (Happened away back before those nifty belly-button-band-aid laproscopic joy rides.) It was very disturbing to see metal bits embedded in mom’s flesh. The image stayed with me a long long time.

    Since then I have had my share of staples and it is true, they don’t hurt so bad coming out, no more than sutures do. The sight of them no longer weirds me out. I was able to notice that it sure looks like your wound healed nice and cleanly.

    But, for good lard’s sake, that DRAIN, the bruising! How deep did it go? No wait, I don’t want to know. SQUICK. I just hope it served its purpose well and am glad it is gone.

    Glad had the energy to be oot and aboot shopping. I saw a show about Austin’s eateries earlier this week and thought of you. Eat, Twisty eat! No one wants a starving Blamer.

  46. Urban

    Goddamn, Twisty. Glad to see you back and posting, but cripes alive that is some serious shit. I’m hoping your next few weeks will be as trouble-free as possible. I think you are incredibly brave.

    Of course, you’ve got Twisty-power and a new superheroine suit, so you’ll be fine. I’m looking forward to reading your wit and erudity again!

    Regarding the staples: my cousin’s kid had heart surgery as a small child, and there are staples holding his ribcage together at the front, under the skin. Up until a couple of years ago you could feel them under there: it was like running your hand over a toy railway track under his skin. Now the bone has grown over them and I think they are there forever.

    Get well and blame on!

  47. sois_disant

    So sorry to hear of how much pain the drain caused/so glad you are back once again– with that beautiful Saint-Sebastianish photo. If I were just a little bit more sentimental, I’d say the staples are some kind of reverse Marquez reference, but I think that’s not where your real wings are…. Heal well and fast and strong, Twisty.

  48. SarahS

    I’m very, very happy and relieved to see you back.

  49. Sarah Parry

    good 2 c u back, really loving your writing and it would be an awful waste for you not to keep it up!

  50. Mar Iguana

    Nothing says success like pinstripes. But, accessorizing with staples? That just screams “Brave.”

    Vogue is watching your every move. Their Fall issue will be featuring metal stitching and pinstripes worn by their stick-figures trying, and failing, to strike that mirrored, Twisty pose as they clank down the runway in knightly four-inch spikes.

    You got style, woman.

  51. perinteger

    apophenia,

    It looks to me like someone took a figurines from one of Wizkids Mageknight style collectible figurine games (probably a figure, but who knows) and customized it to represent a stylized Twisty.

    OK, that sinks it. I’m a hopeless geek.

    Twisty,
    I am deeply relieved and pleased to see you’re recovering well

    Perinteger

  52. Pony

    I wonder if there will be limited edition copies of Twisty Rockstar? If not, I’m thinking a t-shirt, ripped and stapled back together in the pattern shown above. Purple blotch to the viewer’s right, with a small dangling tubey thing.

  53. typonaut

    Harriet Vane! Adequate pain meds. Stingray and a new suit. Good deal. Welcome welcome welcome back. Delight.

  54. dogged.

    If you’re feeling well enough to brave the upturned noses of the By George staff, then all is right with the world.

  55. Pony

    Typonaut: I would add, (deep) fried oysters. Oh I soooo wish I knew what a fried oyster tasted like. Twisty’s pictures have me drooling. Oysters are impossible here. They’d be like, last August’s.

  56. sphex

    Ouch. You are stronger and braver than I can even imagine, Twisty. A true inspiration.
    It is so good to hear your voice again.

  57. witchtrivets

    I have nothing witty to say about that tube or those staples. Except for what I said on seeing the picture — geeezus gawdam!

    Happy to see you are back to getting your blame on. I can only be so ironic and witty when I am sincerely happy and relieved to see your return to the full blaming style that makes you unique.

  58. Charles

    I am late to this thread, but life is good. You, Twisty, are recovering and my legally conjoined significant other’s Stage 3B breast cancer was declared to be in remission yesterday. Best wishes to you both.

  59. Charles

    Damnable IE. I tried to post a minute ago and then it went poof. Anyway, what I was saying was that I am happy that you, Twisty, are recovering. And, coincidentally perhaps, my legally conjoined significant other’s best friends’ Stage 3B was declared to be in remission yesterday.

  60. Twisty

    Congratulations to your sigother’s BF, Charles. Another one bites the dust.

  61. Beth in Michigan

    Twisty, have you found the girly undershirts without the built-in shelf bra yet? In case you have not, I saw a Target ad with a nice variety of colors and a couple of different styles. They call them “layering tanks” ha, ha, as if a hot Texan would need more then one.

    Hope the recovery is going well, the pinapple tofu looks delicious!

  62. j0lt

    Glad to hear you are on the road to recovery. Best wishes for continued smooth sailing.

  63. maarmie

    Anyone here read about the controversy involving a roadside advertisement that would have featured the mutilated chest of a woman who had her breasts removed as a result of breast cancer? The billboard either never went up or was quickly taken down. It was deemed obscene. Can you believe it?

    Well, I don’t think it’s obscene. I wish you the best of luck in your recovery.

  1. Berlin is hot. // yeahpope

    [...] Berlin is hot. 20. Juli 2006 in berlin und yee-haw! Last Saturday`s Dyke Trans March in Berlin was a blast! Click the link for reading a short intro to the aims of the march. I would estimate we were about 200 people, walking from the Schwarzer Kanal wagon place all the way through Kreuzberg to the Görlitzer subway station, making lots of noise and people stare at us agape. There was a “marching band” with samba instruments that did great angry chants and acapella versions of popular songs such as Blur`s “Girls and Boys” or LeTigre`s “Viz” or Salt`n`Pepa`s “None of your business”. By the time we arrived at Kottbusser Tor half the people could sing/yell along and built some pretty impressive choir there. There were speeches from the Schwarzer Kanal people, as their lesbian-trans-wagonplace is under constant threat of eviction by the Berlin city administration, and from the transgender network berlin about the political situation of trans- and inter-identifying people here. I will add links to their speeches later, as soon as I find them on this internet… Unfortunately the police did not allow us to walk all the way to the end of the route to Görlitzer Park, so we had to have the last speeches in proximity to the Kreuzberg fire squad building. However, that did not really taint our good time and my feeling that we had just occupied the minds of a lot of people in the streets for some time.. The street party was succeeded by an awesome dance party at the subversiv into early morning hours.Somewhere in between there were some Kalashnikovs (see picture, Luxusowa Vodka, lemon, espresso and sugar) and Zywiecs at the Olfe, where the light allowed us to take some pretty darn good pictures. On the hottest day of the year in Berlin I would like to devote this supra-normal drink picture to Twisty at I blame the patriarchy, who has just returned to blogging after spending some time in the chilly surgery department. Cheers! [...]

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