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Aug 13 2006

Shooting Fish in a Barrel

hewitt_as_hepburn.jpg

Because of the terrorists it is Danger Level Red outside. The streets are running thick with nitroglycerin and shampoo. Better not go out there. But how to take a spinster aunt’s mind off Homeland Security’s obsession with toiletries? A made-for-TV biopic, that’s how!

Naturally the best made-for-TV biopics contain the most insipid scripts ever written with which marginally talented B- and C-list celebrities struggle to portray A-list celebrities. Naturally, because of the multiple layers of irony, I am a fan of the genre, but only occasionally indulge the passion, as it tends to drain my lobe of its precious obstreperal fluids.

The luck of the Fasters was with me this afternoon, for within moments of taking up the remote between hopeful thumb and forefinger, I struck comedy gold on the WE channel (‘WE’ stands for ‘worthless excrement’) with ‘The Audrey Hepburn Story’. It was with a sparkle in my eye, a bounce in my buns, and an Alka Seltzer in my gullet that I broke out the freeze-dried wasabi peas and docked the Twisty keister (or ‘Tweister’) in the lime green recliner. Words can but insufficiently express the infinite mirth which I was to savor the abject enormity of Jennifer Love Hewitt as the most inimitable and iconic film star of the 20th century.

That’s right. Jennifer Love Hewitt. Sheer madness! Never was a 90′s teen heartthrob so exquisitely way out of her league as this Jennifer Love Hewitt in ‘The Audrey Hepburn Story’. She is so way out of her league she can’t even see her league anymore; indeed, she has clearly begun to doubt the existence of her league at all. Her game struggle with Hepburn’s patrician accent accentuates the delicious sensation that we’re watching an Alabama high school production of ‘Arsenic and Old Lace’, or at the very least an Old Navy commercial. Love never once succeeds, even remotely, in achieving the slightest Hepburnianity. And because the actual Hepburn had, by Hollywood standards, a remarkably uncinematic life, the script is equally vapid.

Love: I doughn’t want to play the cute young girl forevah. I wohnt my life too mean something.

And that’s not all. There are brilliantly satisfying manglements all around. such as when some GQ model dude inexplicably cast as William Holden says “I’m crazy for ya baby and I’m not givin’ up no matter what you say.” (Alas, Audrey simply cahnt marry him because he’s had a vasectomy, and she just wouldn’t feel married without children!)

And that dude Will from ‘Will & Grace’ plays Mel Ferrer exactly like he plays Will. That poor fuck’s got sitcom stink on him, but good.

More excruciating exerpts:

Will: Miss Hepburn has just been nominated for an Oscar.
Love (with melodramatic swoon): An Ah-skah!

Will again: You’ve given a whole generation of girls the sense that–that–something else is possible in life!

That’s right, Will. If they’re 103 pounds and freakishly gorgeous and pepetually 22 years old, they, too, can live in Switzerland and be Givenchy’s muse.

Sorry, but I warned you I’d be on a light blaming schedule this summer.

20 comments

  1. barlyru

    “The streets are running thick with nitroglycerin and shampoo.” Funny! But get thee to thine Netflix queue quickly. You need something good to watch. Or some vintage bad, Like Queen Bee with Joan Cawford.

  2. thebewilderness

    I too indulged in the pain fest. We spent the entire film telling each other we just don’t believe we are seeing what we know perfectly well we are seeing. After this experience I am better able to understand wingnuts and antifeminists.

  3. redneckmother

    Unctious tv biopics, you have my permission to withdraw.

  4. Pony

    Tele tel, television. Qu’est-ce que c’est?

    Have here Deepa Mehta’s WATER. If I can get my computer DVD player to work.

  5. Ron Sullivan

    More lizards, please. They’re fetchinger.

    Spiders and snakes and mantids, even beetles, those would be fine too. And you don’t even have to blame them.

    I’m glad you have wasabi peas, at least. But wait: freeze-dried, not deep-fried? What on earth?

  6. teaspoon

    I have been reading this blog for many months now and I can’t resist coming out of the shadow of unspoken readers. This blog is so funny and poignant and did I mention fookin’ hilarious. I crack up pretty much every time I check in with you, Twisty, and just want to say thanks, keep it up.

  7. stekatz

    I was forced by my eight year old to pay good money and sit in a skanky theater to watch “Garfield Two: A Tale of Two Kitties.” I hoped and prayed that Jennifer Love Hewitt would not be included in the sequel as I felt I had already suffered enough through her superfluous rendering of the veterinarian in the first Garfield movie.

    Sadly, there she was on the screen doing little or no acting and sporty an array of Marc Jacobs dresses that would make Oprah jealous. If Garfield Three comes out, I’m laying down the law and we’ll rent “Whale Rider” instead.

  8. KTal

    I have always been amazed at how some personalities, such as JLH as bland and talentless as they are, keep popping up on the little screen — or the big screen via little castings and little plots.

    Is there a talent shortage? Are there no actors or actresses striving to make it in Hollywood that wouldn’t work to these roles for free even? And probably demonstrate more skill and be a little easier on the eyes than so many?

    I want to know why these people keep getting work. Why? Who’s supporting their constant rehash?

    I feel for you Stekatz, having raised three, I know well the pain of indulging the children every now and then on some kid flick — good time spent with the child. Nothing but time wasted, money wasted. A board game is far more rewarding.

    Worse was if someone gave them a video of their fave flick. Two years of “Nightmare before Christmas” two or three years of “THe Lion King” (with its horrid patriarchical brainwashing) — complete wtih songs and lines sung and spoken by heart by my little muses.

    Words cannot express my glee when they were old enough to get rides or better, drive themselves to their chosen entertainments to leave me at home in peace.

  9. KMTBERRY

    Hey Twisty have you seen the TV Biopic of the life of Dear Abby/Ann Landers with both roles played by the shallow fashion lady from…..”Just Shoot Me?” It’s numbing.

  10. Twisty

    “the TV Biopic of the life of Dear Abby/Ann Landers with both roles played by the shallow fashion lady from…..”Just Shoot Me?””

    Get OUT!!!! I didn’t even know this existed! Holy Christ on a cracker!

  11. Pony

    Oh pshaw KTal.

    Sound of Music.

  12. norbizness

    Meredith Baxter-Birney is involved in this somehow, I just know it.

  13. grrr kitty

    Yes, KTal, even we spinster aunts are subjected to the horrors of Disney. One of my nephews was inexplicably fond of ‘The Little Mermaid’ as a wee one, and if I ever hear that fucking crab sing again, I’ll throw myself off the roof and cut my throat on the way down.

  14. firefall

    Just wait til JLH gets turned loose on the real Hepburn (Kate) – the sound of spontaneously shattering TV sets will fill the land

  15. Kwillz

    I come for the blaming, I stay for the cinematic commentary.

  16. lavalamp

    I was stuck in the house waiting on the delivery of a new washer, and I too, indulged in this pool of crapola, though only for about an hour. But an hour was all it took JLH to render Audrey Hepburn into a bland sexless non-charismatic bump on a log.

  17. saltyC

    I can’t wait to share my favorite movies when I was a child with my baby: The Thief of Baghdad and Fantastic Planet. Well I haven’t seen them in a while, I might think they’re too violent now, but they were so cool and Weird. Then there’s the utterly non-violent Yellow Submarine.

  18. Sapphique

    Jennifer Love Hewitt is to acting what carob is to chocolate – pale imitations of something that could be glorious.

  19. meowbaby

    I call her Shrunken Head Girl. I’ve always thought her head was freakishly small.

  20. meowbaby

    my bad, is, her head is freakishly small.

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