“I’ve never really classed myself as ‘feminist’,” quoth a commenter on yesterday’s post about other peoples’ posts on the day-before-yesterday’s post, “quite possibly because all the bra-burning-bloke-bashing-makeup-banning talk makes me deeply uncomfortable. I am, however, completely committed to the idea that people should be treated as individuals and given any and all opportunities to both experiment and excel.”
Bully for you, commenter, on your complete commitment to an idea, and great news! I met with the other strawfeminists to discuss your deep uncomfort. Guess what! We’ve decided to take a break from all the bra-burning, bloke-bashing, and make-up banning with which we have been obsessed to the exclusion of all else for the past 40 years. A good thing, too, because you know that enormous pink ash cloud enveloping the planet? The one resulting from the tons and tons of angrily incinerated spandex and cheap scratchy lace? Well, that cloud turned out to be the real culprit behind global warming.
Also, we were starting to get complaints from the hospitals. Turns out they were getting so jammed up with the bloodied corpses of all the blokes we’ve bashed that there was hardly any room left for the boob augmentation and labiaplasty cases.
Oh, and you’ll love this: as for the makeup, well, it’s mandatory now. Why? Oh, lots of reasons. For instance, we now believe that liberation has eluded us because our skin has not been glowing or radiant enough (I won’t lie to you; there’s been some pretty severe undereye puffiness and a few tragically enlarged pores, too). And, sure, we’re a little late to the party, but we have finally realized that in order to be taken seriously by liberal white males we must more closely resemble centerfolds. Not to mention that we just love how girly it makes us feel to have a beauty regimen! And you know what, we can no longer deny that real empowerfulness comes from participating as consumers in a $180 billion-a-year global industry that’s scientifically formulated to promote women’s insecurities and self-esteem issues.
In fact, from now on, we’re requiring all strawfeminists to sell Avon products on the side. So, can I interest you in a jar of Anew Clinical Therafirm Face Lifting Cream? Your face will “look & feel firmer, tighter and more lifted.” Because, as the strawfeminist now knows, a face must be as lifted as possible to ensure optimum personal autonomy. Anew Clinical Therafirm Face Lifting Cream is scientifically formulated to relieve you of 32 bucks American. Just think, if you earn minimum wage, that’s a mere 6 1/2 hours’ labor, just 16% of your weekly take-home!
Strawfeminism. It’s not just for humorless feminazis who don’t shave their legs anymore.