Whenever a new women vs. men sex study comes out it’s a banner day here at Twisty HQ, which means it’s always a banner day here at Twisty HQ. Women vs. men sex studies are extraordinarily popular. ‘Scientists’ just can’t seem to stop conducting them, and popular news media just can’t seem to stop pretending that they mean something. I have never seen a report on one of these studies that failed to gush lovingly all over the heteropatriarchonormative weltanshauung that spawned it. The usual goal of the research is transparently to give straight white male dominance a shot in the arm, but even when the science itself seems to suggest that women might actually be almost human after all, the reportage never fails to present these results in nudge-nudge terms that let everybody know women still suck.
I mention this because today, like every other day, a new men vs. women sex study is out. “Women become sexually aroused as quickly as men” is the headline at NewScienctist.com.* Seriously? Tell me more! O how I foam at the mouth to hear about new ways in which female sexuality might be viewed exclusively in terms of normal male people.
The study’s momentous findings: using thermal imaging to measure genital temperatures, a chappie named Irv Binik Ph.D. was able to show that all humans take the same amount of time to get hot. Only a sex therapist thinks this is news, so NewScientist.com had to fake it with just the sort of sexist metaphrasery one expects from writers who are forced to report on researchers named Irv Binik Ph.D. Thus, even though it is what the research says, the headline doesn’t read “Women and Men Are The Same.”
In fact, right off the bat the author helpfully reminds us, in case we have deluded ourselves that sexist stereotypes aren’t always true, that “women have a reputation for demanding lengthy foreplay.” In other words, women are high-maintenance bitches in the sack. I mean, gimme a break: “foreplay”? Do people even still use this asinine, flagrantly phallocentric word? Like, tryin’ to whip a piece offa these perennially selfish bitches sure is tedious, but now that science has finally ‘proven’ that women get aroused “as quickly” as men, no more excuses, ladies! We’re calling bullshit! This foreplay requirement is a bogus deception! Gotcha! Now spread’em!
After scoring big with the foreplay-myth-debunktion, the author presents a titillating mini-history of women’s sexual response experiments. In the olden days, she says, female subjects in arousal studies were made to suffer the insertion of “uncomfortable probe[s]“.** There are no such probes in our study, but NewScientist.com just thought you might like to savor that kinky visual.
Needless to say, no mention is made of any sadistic protocols to which male participants might have been subjected, but by way of compensation we are informed that, in the study in question, all parties were “naked from the waist down” while they watched porn, and that they achieved “Maximum arousal.” Whoo-hoo.
To rationalize prurience in the name of science, researchers’ constant refrain is that their findings will alleviate human suffering. Today’s study will of course be used to develop some sort treatment for sexual “dysfunction’, praise god. My guess is that the treatment will ultimately turne out to be a drug. How come? Why, Pfizer Canada funded the study, of course. They gave Irv Binik Ph.D, a sex therapist at McGill, $90,000 to study female genital heat. But I don’t mean to sound cynical. Pfizer makes Viagra, so you know their motives are pure.
Incidentally, a man with a more passionate academic interest in pussy than Irv Binik Ph.D. you will not find. He is co-author of many papers on the subject, papers that focus largely on the physical discomfort suffered by female receptacles of male incontinence. Take, for instance, the one entitled “Women’s Sexual Pain and Its Management.” This oeuvre seems to exclude any definition of sex that is not “penetration,” and investigates ways in which men may keep women fuckable through treatment of a condition called dyspareunia. Dyspareunia — the Pedantic Male Honky term for any condition, physical or psychiatric, that interferes with intercourse — “afflicts” as many as 48% of all women (though hardly any men at all). Is anyone surprised that white dudes define half the female population’s natural abhorrence for interminable drunken prong-a-thons as either a neuropathic disease or a mental illness?
I could have saved Irv Binik Ph.D. some time and effort; because of my giant brain, I have discovered the cure for dyspareunia. Here is my theory which is mine; it goes as follows and begins now and it belongs to me and I own it, and what it is, too:
If it hurts when he fucks you, don’t let him fuck you.***
Meanwhile, I remain unconvinced that anyone conducts a sex study for any reason other than to gratify some pervy urge to stick electrodes on other people’s naughty bits and watch porn.
* Man o man, NewScientist.com just loves the skeeze. Remember their delightful sexy-naked-cancer graphic?
** The “uncomfortable probe” is described as “similar to a tampon”, meaning, one presumes, that it is made of overpriced toxin-soaked rayon fiber and that any man who gets stuck having to buy a package of’em for his girlfriend is clearly pussywhipped.
*** Unfortunately, my solution will only work for those lucky patients who don’t risk assault and battery by refusing to be penetrated.