Five-year-old daughters of fun-lovin’ boob-jobbed sex-positive alcoholic moron Brits can look forward to a boffo sexay surprise under the Christmas tree this year. According to the Daily Mail, Tesco — the UK’s Ã¼ber-Wal-Mart and the 4th largest retailer in the world — is doing what any sensitive megacorp would do at this joyous holiday time: reminding little girls that they’re pieces of shit. In order to bring warmth to the hearts of the citizenry, they’d like to point out, to the tune of Â£50, what modern culture values most in its women. That’s right. They’ll be marketing a L’il Stripper Kit to the youngest members of the sex class. And it is so precious. A toy sexy chrome pole, toy sexy music, and toy sex money (“Peekaboo Dance Dollars”) to stuff in a toy “sexy dance garter.” I’m not making this up. “Unleash the sex kitten inside” quoth the Tesco website, “simply extend the Peekaboo pole inside the tube, slip on the sexy tunes, and away you go!”
For Junior, there’s the Future Perv-o-Prenuers of Britain Kit: toy handcuffs, two toy kinky “lesbians” wearing torn toy negligÃ©es, a supply of toy heroin to keep his toy bitches in thrall, a toy webcam, and a toy bank account in which to deposit all the big XXX toy bucks he earns from his XXX website.
Naturally there is great ‘public outcry’ against the stripper toy, to the extent that Tesco was forced to repurpose the item as a sex-ay “health and fitness” aid. Think of the calories those burly little 5-year-olds will burn wrapping their pudgy young be-gartered knees around that health-giving chrome phallus!
Once again — and I wish this would stop happening, because it always gives people the tiresome idea that I think sex ought to be abolished or something — I find myself in the uncomfortable position of agreeing with prudey conservative family groups: yep, this toy is offensive almost beyond description. However, it is at this juncture that our ideologies mercifully diverge. I do not, as one ‘family campaigner’ suggested, believe that the toy will “destroy children’s lives.” (The only toy with that sort of power is Etch-A-Sketch; a more frustrating, soul-sucking, ungratifying, time-wasting blot upon Western civilization has never been conceived). No, I’m afraid children’s lives were deep in the crapper long before the pencil-dick pervs at the Sexy Toddler Toy Company came up with their sexbot training kit. This asinine pole-dancing game is merely the logical extension of the ideology generated by our global thermonuclear megatheocraticorporatocracy — you know, the patriarchy — which has been destroying children’s lives, and everybody else’s lives, too, for centuries now. Which it does through God and war and the nuclear family and high heels and consumerism and illiteracy and, of course, the violent misogyny that makes all of the above possible.
I will go a step further and postulate that if, in our violent patriarchal class structure, sex were anything other than an exercise in humiliation, degradation, and dissociation so taxing that only adult persons are thought to possess the emotional chops to keep from committing suicide over it, nobody would give a rat’s ass if little girls were crawling up every vertical object in the British Isles.
Addendum: our cherished level-headed Broadsheeter Page takes a whack at this.
[Gracias to the readers who sent this in; without you dedicated stringers out there combing the countryside for offences against the enlightened mind, I'd be a mere shadow of my former blaming self]