Ugly lace skirt draped with xmas lights at the even uglier Junior League Christmas Bazaar, Palmer Event Center, Austin TX, Nov. 17, 2006. Just two of the things I will outlaw when I overthrow honky dude rule.
You ever wonder how these strawfeminist things get started? No? Well, here’s a short synopsis anyway.
I have just returned from a visit to a blog whose author, LaurynX, attributes to I Blame The Patriarchy, and then condemns, a goofy sociopolitical position with which I aggressively disagree. This viewpoint is so preposterous that I can but declare it kooky and inconsistent with both the highly sensible Twistyfesto and that old-tyme radical feminist religion. I must also mention, since it is more or less central to my thesis*, that in her attribution LaurynX vacillates a tad. She might have read the goofy thing at this blog, or it might have been at some other feminist blog; she admits she can’t “quite remember” exactly what she read, where she read it, or even whether she agreed with it. Nevertheless, unencumbered by facts, she soldiers on, and another strawfeminist is born.
The kooky argument which isn’t mine — and which certainly isn’t the argument of any feminist mystery blogger, since no feminist mystery blogger with two feminist mystery ganglia to rub together would take time out of her busy schedule of lip-pursing and leg-hair cultivation to make such an asinine pronouncement — cries out for bilious ridicule. In fact, in a moment I will chuck a hunk of my own bilious ridicule its way. Unfortunately for the spectators, LaurynX doesn’t herself go in for bilious ridicule. Showing a somewhat disappointing restraint (or maybe it’s just boredom; few undertakings could be more tedious than refuting nonexistent arguments), she confines herself to calling the faux-views of the faux-feminists “absurd.”
Well, of course they’re absurd. They’re imaginary.
By now you will have worked up a pretty frothy curiousity about the argument that neither I nor the mystery blogger nor, I assert, anyone who isn’t a closeted perv godbag ever actually made, but which nevertheless is supposed by LaurynX and thousands like her to form the very foundation of radical feminist dogma. Naturally I am reluctant reopen old wounds, but damn the torpedoes. Those of you who have not already guessed will be unsurprised to learn that the viewpoint LaurynX finds so absurd concerns nothing less than the most empowerful emblem of the empowerful girl’s lifelong dream of sexual empowerfulment. That’s right.
Now don’t have a cow. The subject, I must insist, is strawfeminism. If we all stay focused, maybe we won’t have to slog through 1067 more heterophiliac comments on what an empty, colorless world it would be that was unchoked by blow jobs.
So anyway, according to LaurynX, here’s the posish at I Blame The Patriarchy (or some other blog): that feminists “[want] to outlaw giving head until patriarchy [is] eradicated…then they wouldn’t feel degraded by performing it.” LaurynX, who (it never fails) turns out to be a big BDSM enthusiast, calls these outlaw-happy chimeras “erotophobic feminists.”
There, you see? You see what the spinster aunt is up against in this zany world? I merely observe that the dominant culture is a patriarchy, that patriarchy is defined by its fetishization of dominance, that in a patriarchy women are the sex class, that this sex class is sorely oppressed, that the degree of soreness to which the sex class is oppressed is of such astronomic, desperate proportion that no act committed by anyone can exist outside of it, and presto! Suddenly I’m (or maybe that other blogger is) an ‘erotophobe’ who goes around ‘outlawing’ stuff!
I ask you.
I feel like a dork for even explaining this, but the idea that I or anybody else would outlaw any behavior seen to be demeaning to women is just nutty; I (or the mystery blogger) might just as well suggest outlawing television, or walking down South Congress Ave, or grocery shopping. Ya know why? Because it’s a patriarchy, fool; everything is demeaning to women. Everything! Even blow jobs!** That’s what patriarchy is.
Man, I wish these modern girls could stop confusing feminism with patriarchy, and nature with nurture, and truth with BDSM, and me with some phantom blogger who wants to outlaw stuff.
If wishes were fishes there’d be sushi for everyone!
* I am a clumsy writer, and habitually bury my thesis under mounds of commas, so here’s the gist, enormous news flash that it is: Logical fallacy of the strawfeminist variety originates in an inability to imagine a social order based on any concept other than dominance.
** And what about after “patriarchy is eradicated”? My prediction is that the future of patriarchy is so bright and full of promise that, beyond the entertainment value to speculative hobbyists such as myself, any discussion of its eradication is meaningless to our species; the post-patriarchal society will also be a post-human society, and blow jobs will probably hold little fascination for the bacteria who inherit the earth.