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Nov 22 2006

Olbermann rescues battered soul from Cool Whip purgatory

Do you remember the last time you were happy? I allude, of course, to the rush of elation that washed over you the morning you heard the dulcet tones of Carl Kasell imparting the almost unbelievable news that American voters had more or less socked it to the Bush regime doggie-style. You know how you danced out into the demi-paradise of your cheery neighborhood, aglow with exultation, inspirational songs such as “Dueling Banjos” and the The Partridge Family theme rising from your quivering throat? Remember how you then reached into your fannypack, whipped out your Blackberry, and dashed off an eloquent blog post likening the event to the golden taste of gusto shining like the light at the end of a tunnel that was on but no one was home and the weight of a thousand lead luftballons lifted the monkeys off your back and you finally awoke fit-you-must-acquit as a fiddle from a Nightmare of the dark where All the dogs of Europe bark?

For the rest of the day, and maybe some of the next day, too, you had the curious sensation that you and your shining ideals were not alone. Remember? It seemed entirely likely that the entire world hadn’t gone mad after all, that there were others like you whose views on good government tend to veer away from compulsory pregnancy laws and brainwashing tots that George Bush created the universe 6000 years ago. You dared to consider the possibility that the human spirit is not, in fact, merely a snotglob of hubris, deceit, and churlishness loosely bound with stupidity and season tickets to NASCAR, but rather something intelligent and pretty, with a decent music collection. You dared to feel the dim stirrings of hope that one day your own government might give you back your uterus (if you still have one), that maybe while they were at it they’d decriminalize poverty, or even put a stop to the senseless butchery in Iraq.

Then you called your Republican brother-in-law and went “nyah-nyah!” Oh, how the two of you laughed.

But soon afterward, it pains me to remind you, the gilded tide of jubilation began receding to distant shores, taking with it the moratorium on despair that had, for a time, made it seem possible to ease up on the double Xanax-Paxil-margarita lunches. Horribly, all anyone wanted to talk about was how the Republicans are gearing up for the next assault, how the Democratic candidates only got elected because they are actually a bunch of anti-abortion pro-war turds, how America is essentially a conservative nation of white males or porn addicts, and how Britney is finally taking my advice and dumping Federline.

But it wasn’t until the fucking President flitted over to Vietnam and declared that the good old American imperialist spirit will never die — you heard him speak the words, yet how could an American president not know that we lost the Vietnam war? — that you heaved, with cognitive dissonance afresh, your joyless carcass onto your lime green recliner, bringing with you a straw and the family-size tub of Cool Whip into which you had mixed a pint of Jack Daniels. Your face broke out in zits, your eyes turned into black-and-white spirals, twirling and twirling and twirling and twirling …

But wait! Come on get somewhat happy! Keith Olbermann gives you another golden taste of gusto with this glorious bit of dignified and justifiably outraged oratory.

[found at Digby via Amanda]

34 comments

  1. peacebug

    I am enlivened nightly by keith olbermann.

    my dream dinner party would include jon stewart, stephen colbert, keith olbermann, and borat.

  2. Twisty

    Alas, all dudes.

  3. Sylvanite

    Well, it’s about damn time that we heard some cogent criticisms of this administration from Tee-Vee’s talking heads. That’s some fine analysis there, Mr. Olberman.

    Twisty’s point that peacebug’s dream guest list is all guys makes me wonder why all the high-profile females in punditry are evil Republican hags like Coulter or Malkin. Or maybe they’re just so shrill, they obscure the presence of liberal women in punditry. There are certainly plenty cogent political analysts among females in the blogosphere (see Firedoglake or Majikthise). Or Twisty.

  4. Pony

    Speaking of dinner parties (never one to shy away from a tangent) what happened to the Morsel Institute, Twisty? Is it all Cool Whip now, not that I can fault that recipe. No. Love to see an after picture.

  5. TP

    Strange things make me cry, especially when I’m as stressed out as I am this week. But it is not strange that this speech brought a tear to my eye more than once.

    Earlier today, Gretchen Wilson’s song “Redneck Woman” kept making me cry, but it was probably because the song is so exquisitely pitch perfect in hitting me right in my little red neck heart. When she sings that she knows every word to every Tanya Tucker song I can tell she’s such a real honest to god St. Louis area hoosier girl that I burst into tears. I have absolutely no idea why, except it has something to do with being very happy for her.

  6. slade

    Olbermann’s ‘Special Comments’ are to be cherished. In fact, they would make a lovely gift set for the upcoming holidays….both for your Left and right friends.

    No way would I want sexist Jon Stewart at my table…Colbert, OK. Most of the dinner guests I want to invite are dead. Gee…I guess I have something to look forward to.

    Twisty…love your words. I have been ill since the day after the Election and still have a bottle of champagne sitting in the fridge awaiting my recovery.

    Hope everyone has a good Thanksgiving…thank goodness for Trader Joe’s and these cute little chicken breasts with cranberry stuffing and a microwave. Life is better now that the power has shifted to the Left.

  7. Buttercup

    i have a deep and abiding love, nay, lust even, for Keith Olbermann and his intellect, his incisive commentary, and his snark. The “special comment” he did after the death of Habeas Corpus (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15321167/) was his best ever. (click “launch” to see him get all passionate and stuff about it)

    I swear, I believe that objectification of any person is reprehensible, but goddamn what I wouldn’t do for a couple hours alone with him, a bottle of wine, and a barry white album…. and I’m a happily married woman.

  8. Buttercup

    slade, trader joe’s is da bomb. we just got our first here in pittsburgh, pa, and it is everything I hoped and more.

  9. thelmyc

    I admire what Olbermann says, but I have to admit, I’m sick and tired of ALWAYS watching a pasty, middle-aged white guy come along and finally say out loud what women, fags, and dark folks have been saying at high volume but HEY HE’S A PASTY, MIDDLE-AGED WHITE GUY SO NOW PEOPLE ARE LISTENING! So suddenly the cameras are on HIM, and we are so fucking relieved to finally see our opinions taken seriously someplace — ANYPLACE, even if they have to wear a white, male face — that we practically lick his fucking asshole clean over it.

    It reminds me in a way of another story I remember hearing about the fistula hospital in Africa. Doctors and feminists have been fighting like dogs for that place, where little girls whose insides have been ripped to shreds by men who want their cunts even if they kill them in the process are operated on and allowed to have some semblance of health restored to them.

    Feminists almost worked themselves into the fucking grave over this, and when did it finally hit the public consciousness? When some PASTY, MIDDLE-AGED WHITE MALE JOURNALIST noticed it and said something in his fucking column — along with a nasty swipe about how come I ain’t heard feminists sayin’ nuthin about this must be cuz it’s about fucking and babies and we all know feminists hate fucking and babies feminista are the ones letting those widdle girls die.

    When I hear a white guy get feted for saying what my fag and dyke friends have been screaming at top volume for YEARS, I just want to slug their pasty asses. We say it and it’s ignored. THEY say it and suddenly they’re the fucking heroes of the left. Why the hell do we even bother? Until Mr. White Sir condescends to notice and start bloviating on our side, it doesn’t make a fucking bit of difference. Why lift a fucking finger?

    So, as good as Olbermann’s comments are, he’s late to the party behind a bunch of untermenschen, and I can’t help but see him and be reminded of how he’s getting his ass kissed for saying what we’ve been saying for years. And how we’re so fucking ready to kiss his ass over it.

    The whole fucking world already pays mind to what middle-aged white guys say. Fuck `em.

  10. Pinko Punko

    TV is the swollen organ of patriarchy, given that we are compeltely surrounded by it, I think we can let Keith O. off the hook for being pasty and a dude, he is on TV after all.

    OK, terrible patriarchy joke RE: peacebug’s dinner comment.

    Twisty can cook!

    (do I need to type /extreme sarcasm tag?)

    On a serious note if I had a bloggy dinner party, TF would be one of the celeb guests and we would honor her with our morsel institute and our unpublic can.

  11. thelmyc

    I think we can let Keith O. off the hook for being pasty and a dude, he is on TV after all.

    I’ll refrain from judgment. If he makes one comment anywhere near “And why haven’t any FEMMINNISTSES been talking about this?!” I’m going to hope fervently for him to fall into an open sewer.

  12. jc.

    I understand your frustration.
    The world is of course exactly like you describe, gay/dyke and brown people are all enlightened, advanced humanist, freedom loving non repressive, non exploitive, socially advanced, clear thinking, far sighted and articulate individuals. Because, of course, belonging to an oppressed group of this kind automatically endows all it´s members with these virtues (do you think it´s genetic?).
    And of course white pasty middle aged guys can in no way have an original idea or a true ideal, they just wait to leech off all the ideas that bubble up from the oppressed gay lesbian brown people (do we include other women and men of different sexual habits and non white colors in this group?) and steal them, not out of conviction of course, but for their own agrandizement and because that´s what white pasty middle aged (you forgot pot bellied) males do (males reach this middle aged state automatically at puberty).

    I understand, as best I can, your frustration, but the whole world doesn`t automatically listen to what just any white guy says (of course men as a group have better acces & chance, we do live in a patriachy)if it doesn´t fit the power structure.

    Being oppressed does not automatically give moral and behavioural virtue, being white, middle aged and male does not automatically exclude one from attempting to be morally and behaviorally virtous or the right to call it as one sees it or even the ability to arrive at inteligent conclusions without stealing concepts from the oppressed.

    One can always play the who´s most oppressed ranking game and therefore has most right to pronounce on the truth is a relatively non productive, much like who´s most christian or most working class, activity.

    Our world is fucked and it needs much change in it´s totally destructive power structures and has needed since long before I became middle aged.
    That attention recieving articulate spokespeople for good ideas are all white males is not good and is very symptomatc of our world but it doesn´t devalue what they have to say on certain issues.
    or maybe it does, I shoud just shut up and go back to digging ditches in exile which is my place in the patrarchal power structure.

  13. blithe damner

    jc, perhaps you should relax a for a moment and reread thelmyc‘s comment if you insist on being so incensed over it. I don’t believe she/he ever implied that oppressed people were somehow exempt from ignorance nor did they imply that all members of marginilized groups were somehow bubbling with unheard genius or that pasty white dudes were incapable of compassionate, intelligent punditry. He or she [I hate playing the pronoun game] was simply stating their frustration over the media’s apparent tendency to only take an opinion or idea seriously when uttered from the mouth of a “pasty white dude”. I think we can all agree that the majority of mainstream [and even alternative] news media is run by and marketed to the pasty white dude demographic and it is often infuriating for us dark-skinned, queer, vagina-possessing people to have our views overshouted by the beloved pasty white dude majority – even and especially when those views mirror our own. On the other hand, I believe at this venture in our post-Habeus Corpus,wargasming,god-fearing,fetus-worshipping, Ann Coulter-Crazed Nation of ours we should be grateful that necessary and intelligent [albeit unoriginal] views like those of Keith Olbermann are broadcast. This is not the time for nit-picking, so I will raise my often-ignored, darkskinned girly-fist and say Hoorah! for Keith Olbermann, because it feels good to finally have some common sense spewing from my television screen- even if it’s previously stated common sense, and even if it spews from the mouth of a “pasty white dude”.

    .sheria.

  14. pippa

    TP: this made me sob too. I don’t know why either. I’m glad I’m not the only one who got all distressed and unnecessary in front of my screen this morning!
    I don’t know from Olberman, (I’m in the UK) so I suspect it was the shock of seeing a white, pasty faced man spewing his pain and outrage in the way that I thought only radfems could. It can only be a good thing surely?

  15. emma goldman

    Cool Wip (I think they leave out the “h”) and Jack Daniels? That’s wrong on so many levels . . .

  16. Twisty

    Emma Goldman: In my part of the world it’s “whip”. I’ve been gorging on it for years in times of downspiral. You are, however, correct when you say that it’s wrong.

  17. Hawise

    Cool Whip is one of my downspiral foodlike items as well. I used to keep a tub in the freezer for emergencies. Recently it has been biscuit or cookie dough. Same idea. When spring seems far away, Northern clime, it is Chartreuse on ice and a long hot bubble bath. This is best done with someone in the house who can check on you to prevent drowning.

  18. njcullen

    I don’t know if this link will work but up here in Canada we have a couple of funny women: http://www.22minutes.com/index.php?page=video#player
    the video is pretty funny, I hope the link works.

  19. njcullen

    The link will take you to the page. The video is Counterspin Equality.

  20. thelmyc

    He or she [I hate playing the pronoun game] was simply stating their frustration over the media’s apparent tendency to only take an opinion or idea seriously when uttered from the mouth of a “pasty white dude”.

    I remember being in graduate school and saying things that went entirely unremarked, while the male students exchanged beady-eyed glances at one another, obviously uneasy because “it” talked.

    15 seconds later, one of the be-poenised set would say the exact same thing, word for word. LITERALLY, people would throw their arms up and tell so-and-so that he was a geeeeee-nius!!!!!!!!!!! WOW! Why didn’t anyone ELSE think of that and say it out loud?! Gosh, NO ONE ELSE said it! NO ONE AT ALL!!!!!!!

    Someone had.

    And if after two decades of this, I’m not allowed to be bitter, then jc can go screw him or herself six ways from zero. I’m officially middle aged this year, and I think I’ve earned the right to be sick and fucking tired of constantly watching people with ther wrong genitals, the wrong skin, or the wrong sex drive getting our ideas ripped off, or getting flat-out spat on for them — until a pasty white guy says the same thing and suddenly is the fucking Hero of the Realm. That tendency to prejudice in favor of ideas that come out of pasty, thin white male lips is what fucking puts shitwads like W into office in the first fucking place — because people who prefer them resent it when the rest of us get uppity and want to go back to the good old days when only white men had ideas and the rest of us just STFU.

    YOU GET FUCKING SICK OF IT AFTER A WHILE. I’m beyond simply crying because I’ve finally heard my words come out of some white guy’s mouth and at last been listened to. I did that. I went through that already and I’m on the other side of it, that pathetic, weak-kneed gratitude at just at least hearing the words. I want to hear them in OUR FUCKING VOICES. I will be dead and in the ground before the day where a radfem or lesbian can say what radfems and lesbians have always said without having to have it come through a white guy’s face before it’s taken seriously and praised for the dyke/fag/cunt/darkie motherfucking genius that it is.

  21. gennimcmahon

    There’s a political theory out there that we, as a nation, allow Republicans to do things the Democrats suggested rather than allowing a Dem to carry out Dem ideas. The logic behind it is that the nation feels more comfortable with the “radical” Democratic ideal being undertaken by the opposite party, because they can be trusted not to take it too far. I would posit that this also informs the trend that thelmyc alludes to; the nation SO fears the radicalism of the othered that while the ideas spouted by the Obermans of the world are not new, they are palatable when issued from the costume of acceptability. The viewing public trusts a pasty white dude when he spouts something dramatic because he’s part of the club; a lesbian of color or the like would be feared because they lack any of the ties to the structure (patriarchy) that, well, who knows who far they might go.

  22. AlphaBravo

    I don’t think anyone is suggesting that Olbermann’s opinions on this subject are original. I’m sure most of us have been expressing this exact same rage for a while now.

    But Keith Olbermann is ON TELEVISION. How many others in his position – pasty hetero dudes or otherwise – are using their spotlight for good (calling attention to how fucked everything is) rather than evil (passively reporting the status quo)?

  23. deja pseu

    Ah, pure delightful Twisty goodness. One of your best, Spinster Aunt!

  24. emma goldman

    And, of course, now that I’ve taken the 1.32 seconds to google it, I see it does have an “h.” I’ve never liked it, though; it tastes like tin cans to me. (I do have to admit that, when I was in college, nigh on 25 years ago, they had this stuff in the cafeteria that tasted like Jello plus whipped cream-esque something, whipped together. It came in colors/flavors, and I particularly liked pink. No idea what flavor it was SUPPOSED to be; I always referred to it by color.)

    But I still don’t get the Jack Daniels plus Cool Whip thing; what have you got against JD? Now, if you want to spike your pecan pie with JD and then put whipped cream on top of it, hey, I might want a piece of that.

    Meanwhile, I’m waiting for an apple pie and a pumpkin pie (which will be topped with gingered sugared pecans) to come out of the oven. When you’re a baker/pastry chef, you will always be bringing dessert.

  25. jc.

    Now that I have been corrected and now know where every good idea truly originated and once again am reminded of what its like to “share” “sides” (directions?) with the righteous ( I so remember the pure marxists sectsists of the moral high ground of my sixties)I guess I´ll just go fuck myself and continue with the whip and daniels because sometimes change isn´t really change, just a new boss.
    Maybe if I´m drunk enough and wear a tinfoil hat I´ll stop the mystical osmosis that causes me to steal all of my thought from Rita my neighbour down the hall.
    And sometimes I´m pretty godamn bitter to that no one has listened to me either.

  26. tuckova

    Keith Olbermann is certainly a good speaker and I like what he has to say, but it is you, Twisty Faster, who made me reach for my smelling salts, as this post made me so giddily dizzy.

    Seriously, you have an NPR name-check, two theme songs of the 70s, Cochran and Auden, plus I don’t know how many beautifully restrung metaphors, all in the first paragraph, and all apparently effortlessly dropped in there just to keep yourself amused.

    I am, as usual, in awe.

  27. Pinko Punko

    I think I kind of get what everyone is saying here, and I think everyone is making good points. Some issues I think that cause the arguments here are that we don’t always know each other’s reference frames, and nobody wants to type their entire history in line with what really are visceral and immediate responses.

  28. justtesting

    what thelmyc said – spot on.

  29. cycles

    Cool Whip may have an H, but Reddi-Wip does not. Perhaps, brain muddled by the delightful puff of nitrous oxide that awaits the user when the foamy cream is expended, you confused the two. No, wait. That was me.

  30. Mar Iguana

    “…I guess I´ll just go fuck myself and continue with the whip and daniels…” jc.

    Kinky.

  31. Mar Iguana

    Here’s why we need white boys to finally get it and then get the truth out there: “When women talk, here’s what men hear, “Blah, blah, blah, blah BEER, blah, blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah, blah SEX.” (Dennis Leary)

  32. emma goldman

    Ooooh! But it WAS Reddi-wip about which I was thinking! they had the funniest ad a number of years ago: it was a picture of a piece of strawberry shortcake completely buried in a huge mountain of whipped cream (excuse me: Reddi-Wip), and, in small print in the lower corner, it said “serving suggestion.” No other commentary.

  33. Twisty

    And tuckova spots the Auden! Six and a half points!

  34. grrr kitty

    Reddi-Wip is everything that was good and bad about my childhood aerosolized. Cool-Whip will do in a pinch. I suppose you could chase either with Black Jack. Speaking of guilty pleasures, Jon Stewart may indeed be a sexist, but I’d dearly love to teach him the nine thousand names of God because I can’t help my bad self.

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