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Dec 08 2006

Go forth, and waggle thy teeny weeny

At least 47 blamers have sent me the link to the by-now famous LA Times story about some nutjob cult of testosterone-worshiping Christians, but I only just now got around to reading it.

Ha!

The nutjobs call themselves “Godmen” (slogan: “When Faith Gets Dangerous”) and, like most godmen, they’re idiots. Their beliefs, which appear to be have been synthesized from a mass inability to grasp that video games aren’t real, congeal around the romantic idea that Jesus was not a gentle, lamb-loving, leper-curing pansy, but was in fact the Jesinator, an American Navy Seal/superhero in steel-toed sandals running amok through Jerusalem, wrecking temples and — yes — swearing. So at their ritual meetings the Godmen — more than a few of whom, I suspect, struggle with teeny-peeny issues — sit around swearing like the asskicking he-man Jesus was, swelling with pride that they were blessed with the godly gift to be profane.

I wouldn’t give a flip about yet another dopey Christian delusion, except that this one’s got a built-in get-into-heaven-free card for dudes who purposely behave like pricks, and there’s a reciprocal clause which prohibits the women who for some reason haven’t dumped their Godmen yet from uttering a word about the toilet seat.

That’s right. They’ve actually worked the toilet seat thing into a religion! Hilarious!

37 comments

1 ping

  1. norbizness

    There may be assloads of clueless Godmen, but there’s only one Bibleman… although you may know him from his mild-mannered alter ego, Willie Aames (star of the multiple Oscar-winning movie Zapped!).

  2. grrr kitty

    Shit and shinola, they’re actually citing Scripture as an excuse for bad behavior? Who’da thunk it?

    As some other worthy blamer eloquently stated, same feces, different day.

  3. Lya Kahlo

    Thank gawd I’m an atheist. That’s all I have to say.

  4. Sylvanite

    Ya know, no church is more effeminate seeming, decor and priestly outfit-wise, than the Catholic church, and all the decision-makers behind the foofahrah are men. Must be Teh Gay at work.

    I don’t know why men would dislike going to church (other than it’s, you know, stupid and boring) given they’ve been in charge of the churchly institutions forever. You’d think they’d be able to suck it up.

  5. joolya

    You know, in the good old days there were Temple Prostitutes.

  6. finnsmotel

    Wow.

    Bush & Rove really have turned the world upside down.

    Only in this era could the idea of goodness be reframed as the act of being bad. WTF?!?!

  7. cycles

    Oh fabulous. Now, just like every other Christian cult but with slightly different accoutrements, the Godmen can use their holy book to defend child beatings (“He that spareth his rod hateth his son”), sexual slavery (Genesis 16, Hagar), raping someone to death (Judges 9:16), and feeding your wife poison if you suspect she’s sleeping around (Numbers 5). To name a few.

    Yes, the Bible is full of violence. Yes, there are some powerful men doing stupid manly things in it. Yes, it says a lot of crap that just won’t fly in 2006. That’s why it’s a stupid fucking book. Get it?

  8. Catherine Martell

    In India, the word ‘godman’ is a derogatory term to ridicule the surplus hordes of swamis, rishis and sadhus that wander around all over the place pissing people off. I’ve always applied it thus, as a synonym for ‘godbag’, pretty much.

    Makes the whole article even more gigglesome. Godmen! What a bunch of nerds.

  9. TP

    Liberal men are so right! Women have nothing to worry about these days, and things have never been better for women.

    It also goes to show that if patriarchal maximalists are attacking traditional religion, there must be something redeeming about it, no matter how much damage is done in the name of the men who control it. For example, it used to be that christians hated pornography, and I do, too. Wasn’t Andrea Dworkin criticized for siding with godbags on some ant-porn issue or the other?

    It is most instructive to see the ceaseless and arrogant ways men find to enhance and further male privilege. They can’t build themselves up without simultaneously putting women down. It’s the pornsickness of a born woman hater.

  10. josquin

    I have a slight internet crush on TP.

  11. Pony

    Get in line.

  12. Beth

    nothing irks me more than someone attempting to defend bigotry by using “reverse-oppression” language–they’re not misogynists! They’re trying to “take back the church”!

  13. Pony

    “That’s why it’s a stupid fucking book”

    If you’re teaching an on-line Bible study class please enroll me? I need all the help I can get. I’m surrounded.

  14. Serithe

    That article is hilarious. Not only does it sound like a parody of malehood (“Training the Penis”), but the way that these guys are trying to convince us that they’re rebelling against some vast female conspiracy to psychologically castrate them (The Woman, if you will) just tickles me.

  15. Ms Kate

    They can’t build themselves up without simultaneously putting women down.

    What’s worse yet, they can’t seem to build themselves up without relying on extreme theatrical artifice based on some fictional work or charade – such as obscure out-of-context Bible passages or evopsych ravings – that tells them of their divine right to privilege.

    Of course the guy who abandoned his wife and infant for five days of male bonding in the woods is leaving his family without the sort of father figurehead Dobson demands. The kid will be gay for sure!

  16. mearl

    These guys should tap into my favourite interpretation of god: the one played by Maurice Roeves in Irvine Welsh’s “The Acid House.” This god tells Boab, the main character, “You’re jist like me. A lazy, apathetic, slovenly cunt,” and when Boab tries to protest, god snaps, “Shut it cunt! Ah’ve fuckin hud it up tae ma eyebaws wi aw this repentence shite. Vengeance is mine, n ah intend tae take it, oan ma ain lazy n selfish nature, through the species ah created, through thir representative. That’s you.” Then he turns Boab into a fly.

    In reference to this troupe of chest-beaters Twisty showcases above, this sounds about right on all fronts.

  17. scratchy888

    I don’t know if I could tolerate anyone whose penis had been trained by another male. It seems too intimate somehow. Also too zoological. Almost indicating the exact opposite to what I’d consider to be the human capacity for spirituality. If these boys had the prior notion that spirituality is bunch of freshly cut tulips in a church, and this is what they are reacting against, then I don’t see that they have found anything more profound through their reactions.

  18. AdamB

    Bah, religious groups are dangerous period. Especially fundamentalist groups. The pagans at least seem to have open minds and maybe a sense of humor:

    http://blog.au.org/2006/12/falwells_flub_j.html

    http://www.readthehook.com/stories/2006/12/07/NEWS-pagans-B.rtf.aspx

    Serves the fundies right!

  19. AdamB

    Oh, and in response to:

    “I don’t know why men would dislike going to church (other than it’s, you know, stupid and boring) given they’ve been in charge of the churchly institutions forever. You’d think they’d be able to suck it up.”

    You already stated why intelligent men wouldn’t want to go to church, it’s stupid and boring. I don’t do drugs or smoke, and rarely drink in moderate quantities, but my brain woudl be better off getting drowned in factory made chemicals that taking in the hysterical bullshit that is religion. Don’t expect anything but idiots and the brainwashed to be in those places.

  20. justtesting

    I don’t know why men would dislike going to church…given they’ve been in charge of the churchly institutions forever

    Yeah, but not ALL men get to be top-dog in the larger organisation, and this is how it is in all patriachal institutions (not just religious ones).

    This leaves the lower status (less “successful”) males full of resentment which can be turned particularly against women, and more generally against whichever out-group needs scapegoating or exploiting. So they try to get to feel good about themselves by being “leader” and “master” in their own little empires, ie lording it over their wife and chidren, hating on the homos and so on.

    These manly men churches are just one way way of putting those nasty little principles into practice. Same old same old.

  21. thelmyc

    Men don’t NEED to go to church. It already puts them on the top shelf as the representative of God in the home. The women are the ones who need to be mentally conditioned.

    When these fuckwads believe that the relationship between the man and woman is the same as that between God and the man, well … God doesn’t need to go to church, does he?

  22. Naomi

    You must watch for my (yet-to-be-written) seminal work entitled “Only a Man Would Invent Viagra (and Other Things of Dubious Value, Like Chrome!)”.

    Isn’t it our turn to run the world for the next 7,000 years?

    Naomi (All Hail the Carnival!)

  23. Mar Iguana

    “Isn’t it our turn to run the world for the next 7,000 years?” Naomi

    No thanks. I’d rather live in a world free of dominance and submission altogether.

  24. Jezebella

    Naomi: you said “seminal”. Hee!

    These “godmen,” they’re like a parody, who could come up with anything more stupid?? Honestly: football bloopers! church is girly because there are FLOWERS! Real men don’t change diapers! Alas, they will probably spread like a fungus and infect Mississippi in a year or two. I already have to resist the temptation to carry a paintball gun with which to vandalize cars with promise-keepers bumper stickers.

  25. antelope

    >>Stine’s wife, Desiree, says she supports manly leadership; it seems to her the natural and God-ordained order of things. As she puts it: “When the rubber hits the bat, I want to know my husband will protect me.”>>

    There’s those bats again – what is it with bats these days?

    More importantly, what is it with this notion, which turns up everywhere lately, that husbands “protect” anybody? How? When? From what? It’s getting so I cringe everytime I see or hear that word in any context whatsoever – especially since it is so often just before or after a list of all the things women should want to do in exchange because of this wonderful protection.

    I can only guess it’s a case of confusing Hollywood with reality taken to the nth degree.

  26. Pony

    “rubber hits the bat”

    FILTH FILTH

  27. Ron Sullivan

    I was dead sure this was a parody until I read the LA Times article. Damn. Lily was right: You just can’t keep up.

    I did enjoy the wanker who defined “lead” as “go off somewhere on a camping trip and leave da wife with da baby.” Like Jusus, yeah. How many kids did Jesus have?

    And when do these gits line up to get crucified? I gotta stock up on veils.

  28. hedonistic

    I have a blog crush on Ron Sullivan.

  29. Ms Kate

    And when do these gits line up to get crucified?

    Doncha know Ron, they already have been metaphorically crucified by Teh Feminism!

    Just like the armchair chickenhawks have been tested in battle via their blogs.

    That’s all they need to claim divine rights.

  30. Mar Iguana

    “More importantly, what is it with this notion, which turns up everywhere lately, that husbands “protect” anybody? How? When? From what?” antelope

    Oh, it’s not so lately. It’s the male protection racket AKA the patriarchy wherein the boys husband women, protecting them from other men since women don’t need protection from much else. Neat, huh?

  31. rootlesscosmo

    “Mmm, funny, every man I meet wants to protect me. I can’t figure out what from.”

    Mae West, as “Flower Belle Lee,” in My Little Chickadee (1940)

    (Background: in the 20′s, 30′s, and 40′s, “protect” was a newspaper and movie euphemism for “keep,” in the sense of “kept woman,” one who was economically dependent on a man she wasn”t married to.)

  32. Mandalay

    There may be assloads of clueless Godmen, but there’s only one Bibleman… although you may know him from his mild-mannered alter ego, Willie Aames (star of the multiple Oscar-winning movie Zapped!).

    Mild-mannered? Willie Aames’ fat, tattooed self was on Celebrity Fit Club a couple of years ago and he got pissed off about something and used highly unChristian language to express his displeasure. He also had purple bags under his eyes that could pack supplies for two weeks in the Amazon.

    And these “Godmen”? Just like any other abuser, they know who they can intimidate and who they can’t. Teach our young women they have self-worth and the Godmen can fight with themselves about the fucking toilet seat.

  33. Twisty

    Rootless: ““Mmm, funny, every man I meet wants to protect me. I can’t figure out what from.”

    Mae West, as “Flower Belle Lee,” in My Little Chickadee (1940)”

    Ha!

  34. Mar Iguana

    “That’s right. They’ve actually worked the toilet seat thing into a religion! Hilarious!”

    This paints such a funny picture in my mind of godboys kneeling before the porcelain god. Not that I and maybe one or two others here have never hugged that god but I bet we at least cleaned up afterwards.

  35. Kwillz

    “There’s those bats again – what is it with bats these days?”

    I only got that three post later; I guess women really are smarter. ;)

  36. Sylvanite

    Well, AdamB, justtesting, and thelyc all stated the correct reasons why men don’t go to church. Of course, I myself don’t go to church because it’s stupid and boring (plus, I just don’t believe in this god character at all). This makes the idea that you could somehow induce men to attend church by presenting them with a parody of masculinity all the more hilarious. This was sort of what I was going for; if going to church was ever of any actual importance to men, then, since they’re in charge of creating all the churchly institutions, you’d think they’d have made church so that they’d want to go. But they haven’t, which does indeed show that church really is about controlling the wimmenfolk and indoctrinating the children.

    But we already knew that, didn’t we?

  37. Ron Sullivan

    Hedonistic, I’m all blushy again.

    Ms Kate: That’s all they need to claim divine rights.

    Oh HELLno. I want to see them rise from the dead. And I don’t mean getting Little Mister Junior to stand up after three days of fluffing either.

    Maybe those veils should be knitted out of Brillo pads? Guarantee some sort of impression on them, anyway. Hmm, hey’ve got the Shroud of Turin somewhere or other; I wonder if there’s an alleged veil of the alleged Veronica framed up the front of a church somewhere. Odd that I don’t know that.

    But he didn’t autograph the damned thing, now did he?

  1. sonitus.org » Blog Archive » Go forth, and waggle thy teeny weeny

    [...] I Blame The Patriarchy [...]

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