Author scientifically displays precise location of Battle Creek, MI
This morning I observe without surprise that the Battle Creek Enquirer of Battle Creek, Michigan — the breakfast cereal town where I spent the fourth and fifth years of my tragic childhood — is, like every other publisher of anything in the world, running one of those nostalgic looks back at 2006. At this cozy-family-nutmeggy time of the year, everybody in Battle Creek wants to relive the story of the guy who raped a sheep.
Poor exhausted news editors, their buttholes torn and bleeding from repeated intimate reamings by government press releases mistaking them for Michigan sheep, who can blame them for wanting to just take it easy for a couple of days? Why not lie back in the hot tub and merely thwack a pulse back into stories they already ran, stories that everybody stopped caring about months ago, by running them again? Especially if there was sex in’em, which, because every last goddam thing in the world is pretty much sex, there was. The Battle Creek Enquirer‘s most popular story in 2006 was July 22’s “‘Girls Gone Wild’ show results in charges.” Your eyes will undoubtedly glaze over when you learn that last summer yet more hotties were exploited in a local club by pornographer/human turd Joe Francis, but this intelligence titillated Battle Creekians as they’d never been titillated before.
The Battle Creek Enquirer is not alone in mistaking porn for news. Salon, for example, does it too. However, Salon doesn’t bother with all this sentimental “remembering”; they straight-up title their year-end feature “2006: The Year in SEX: So long, sugar tits!” and ram it down your throat. Rebecca Traister’s 3-pager of “libidinal surprises” places “Screech’s sex tape” (some ugly D-list celebrity’s poop 3-way. Eew. Who do I have to fuck to get a copy of that little slice of cosmic enlightenment?) and “the Year in Snatch” (a breezy look at the cooter-flashing craze spreading like hot young celebrity thighs among hot young celebrities) alongside the election of Nancy Pelosi, Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf, Michelle Bachelet, and SÃ©golÃ¨ne Royal.
One might, if one happened not to be a moron (a qualification I am finding less and less common these days), object to this lumping of women politicians under the heading “The Year in SEX”; unlike those dude politicos who cheated on their wives with little boys or strangled their mistresses, these women did nothing except get elected. It’s one thing to mistake porn for news but something else again to mistake news for porn.
But lard knows a woman in public office is nothing if not a “libidinal surprise.”