If my newsbot is to be trusted — and why shouldn’t it be; it’s dudely software maintained by a big-ass conglomerate — I calculate that a new survey is perpetrated on “3000 people” somewhere in the world about every 13 seconds.
Lard love a survey. How else would big-ass conglomerates, or people whose empty souls ache to absorb aggregated blobs of sterile information, unlock the mysteries of the human psyche? Mysteries such as which women in Britain have amassed the greatest fortune in handbags?
If you said “Welsh women,” you win the onion! The pointless survey focusing on the sex-role specific encumbrance known as “handbags” says Welsh women have the most expensive ones in the UK. Not only are the bags themselves trÃ¨s cher, their contents are deluxe, too. Women apparently fill them up with gold doubloons and stock certificates before they leave the house.
Wales! First it’s that self-congratulatory “woman godbags are OK after all” bishop dude, and now it’s handbag-lovin’ Welsh women. Wales is taking over the internet, maybe the world. Dydw i ddim even kidding. So it’s All Wales Week at I Blame the Patriarchy.
Anyway, I allude to this Welsh-handbag-craze story because it ends with, what else, a cautionary admonishment to ditzy bag-luggin’ females by an authoritative dude. The authoritative dude, his brilliant mind gleaming in the winter sun, pulsating with the secrets of the ages, condescends to impart the astonishing information that “having your bag stolen can be extremely stressful,” so women should “take sensible precautions to minimise the risk of theft,” particularly at restaurants and bars.
Restaurants and bars! Ground zero for female stupidity leading to crimes perpetrated against stupid females! Everyone knows that we can’t be trusted in public or around alcohol. We all just fell off the turnip truck yesterday.
Furthermore, the authoritative dude cautions, women should “try not to carry around important documents.”
Imagine, for a small guffaw, an authoritative dude pronouncing to an audience of men that their handbags* should not contain important documents, and that they should be extra-specially careful in restaurants and bars because losing a briefcase can be so stressful.
*Men’s handbags, in order to prevent the indignity of feminization, are called “briefcases,” “messenger bags,” “backpacks” (“rucksacks” in the UK; what is a “ruck,” anyway?), or, my personal favorite, “man-bags.”