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Mar 08 2007

Komedy Korner

Thrashing about in a fog of uncertainty? Distressed that the most popular free online opedia is “increasingly anti-Christian and anti-Amerian”? Why not consult Conservapedia?. Using this powerful tool, you will find the following beacons of enlightenment gleaming in the darkness:

– “On Wikipedia, many of the dates are provided in the anti-Christian “C.E.” instead of “A.D.”, which Conservapedia uses.”

– “Occasionally someone denies the existence of Jesus, but few scholars take this seriously.” (cite)

– “[Global warming] is widely accepted within the scientific community despite a lack of any conclusive evidence.” (cite)

– “There is some evidence that traditional Muslim scholars have been suppressing [...] information [about] various recently-recovered scrolls that hint at early Muslim human sacrifice, which was also a part of early Judaism which ended after the Genisis [sic] story of Abraham and Isaac.” (cite)

– “Feminism is the philosophy that the sexes deserve to have equal rights.” (cite)

Nothing can prevent the Twisty jowls from cracking open the buckteeth at that last one especially; it is the entry on feminism in its entirety. The inclusion of the word deserve, like there’s actually still some question of entitlement, is a howler.

Also, “equal rights”? And nothing about the bra-burning? Hahaha. Ho boy.

[via Some Guy with a Website]

112 comments

1 ping

  1. 'soup

    Ha! What a hoot!
    And criminy, let’s not get into the charred underwear issue again, OK?
    Is there any evidence that anyone ever really did this or is it an urban legend like people spitting on Vietnam vets?

  2. dr_igloo

    Here’s another gem from their front page:

    Christianity receives no credit for the great advances and discoveries it inspired, such as those of the Renaissance.

    Too hilarious.

  3. Dr. Brazen Hussy

    If you look at the history of the “feminism” entry, you’ll find that it used to be slightly longer:

    “Feminism is the philosophy that all the sexes deserve to have equal rights. Obviously, this is unacceptable.”

    http://www.conservapedia.com/index.php?title=Feminism&oldid=15960

  4. Frumious B

    I cannot say with authority that no bra has ever been burned, but no bras were burned at the event which spawned the phrase. Protestors at the 1968 Miss America contest tossed bras, girdles, nylons, and other tools of femininity into a trash can. They would have burned the stuff, but had been denied a fire permit.

  5. Clio Bluestocking

    Here is the saddest thing about Conservapedia: it is a home schooler project run by the Eagle Forum, specifically Phyllis Schlafly’s son.

    Yeah, Phyllis Schlafly is still alive, kicking, and indoctrinating the youth.

  6. Lipstick-and-Birk-Wearing Momma

    What a waste of bytes.

    Be sure to check out the American history lectures. Worth a laugh.

    I love your name Dr. Brazen Hussy. We need a list of our favorite IBTP names, and DBH should be on it.

  7. BubbasNightmare

    Two thigh-slappers from Conservapedia’s front page:

    A conservative encyclopedia you can trust.
    Conservapedia has over 3,800 educational, clean and concise entries on historical, scientific, legal, and economic topics, as well as more than 350 lectures and term lists. There have been over 2,400,000 page views and over 19,600 page edits. Already Conservapedia has become one of the largest user-controlled free encyclopedias on the internet. This site is growing rapidly. ” (emphasis theirs)

    Well. I feel better. A whole 3800 articles.

    And if you want a real hoot, read the Da Vinci Code entry. The Sacred Feminine! Ariel’s red hair! Conspiracies abound!

  8. Antoinette Niebieszczanski

    Gah! No! Phyllis Housefly and her spawn!

    They need to rename this thing Deludapedia.

    Since Christians have been having their own way with pretty much everything for a long time now, it’s a hell of a stretch to imagine that “anti-” anything is a serious threat to them or their precious ideology. But my reply to those who feel it is would be “See how you like it”.

  9. BubbasNightmare

    Funny story, part 2:

    There are numerous “Log On/Create an Account” links. Try to create an account.

  10. Catherine Martell

    Frumious B: I believe a tabloid newspaper added flames to the trash can in question via the magic of whatever they used in the days before Photoshop. Probably bits of cut-out paper and a stick of glue.

    The Conservapedia is a mighty resource for mirth, if not so much for knowledge. A lovely quote for the collection:

    “There are many examples of bias in Wikipedia because it is edited primarily by liberal atheists who lack basic understanding of logic.” (http://www.conservapedia.com/Wikipedia)

    Ah, logic. Remind me, what does that have to do with invisible sky-fairies again?

  11. Puffin

    Here’s another knee-slapper:

    The entry on ‘abortion’ is long, detailed, filled with ‘science,’ and replete with all the ways abortion is harmful to women (death rates, breast cancers rates, botched abortion rates, you can’t ever get pregnant again rates).

    There are zip, zilch, zero (as in, you get a “there are not entries for ________” screen) for: rape, domestic violence, sexual slavery. You know, the things that actually do put women in grave danger.

  12. Spinning Liz

    So we need to create a Femipedia. Or better yet a Blamopedia. And perhaps a Twistionary for all those fine new Faster coinages.

  13. Pinko Punko

    Obviously they have been completely laid to waste by hilarious liberal Wiki-vandals, some found by plover here. Best entry, though has been removed, concerning a Pacific Northwest Arboreal Octopus. I wonder if it ate brains?

    Even better, on the talk page for said deleted entry, we see A. Schlafly thinking that the joke was on environmentalists.

  14. teffie-phd

    I supposed this makes me naive, but I have a hard time believing this is real.

    Mind you, that someone would spend all this time on satire is sorta disturbing too.

    Off to see if there is a conservapedia entry in wikipedia

  15. Mandolin

    “Feminism is the philosophy that all the sexes deserve to have equal rights. Obviously, this is unacceptable.”

    Bearing in mind that the posters at pharyngula h ave been rewriting many of conservapedia’s entries, it’s quite possible that this one (and indeed meany of the entries) are indeed intended as tongue-in-cheek liberal criticism of the conservative stance.

  16. Pinko Punko

    I cannot stop myself. All the good parts are found in the “Talk” sections.

    http://www.conservapedia.com/AFD_Homosphere

  17. Shannon

    Blamopedia. I love that. Sign me up.

  18. ChapstickAddict

    This reminds me of The 1/2 Hour News Hour on Faux News, the conservative response to The Daily Show.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Half_Hour_News_Hour

    Do conservatives need their own response to everything? When are they going to get together and just fence off part of the country? They already have their bible museums, their own “news” channel…what next?

  19. Mamasquab

    A Twistionary! What a great idea.

  20. TinaH

    Dang, the login/create account button won’t work for me. It’s a conspiracy, I know it.

  21. Clio Bluestocking

    ChapstickAdict, of course conservatives need to respond to everything. Why do you think they call them “reactionaries”?

    teffiephd, I think Wikipedia actually determined that Conservapedia was–what is the term they use?–”not of significant importance” to include. Which, if that is true, is hilarious! An online, open encyclopedia that covers just about everything, considers this insignificant.

    A Blameopedia might very well open with the first paragraph of our beloved S.C.U.M. Manifesto!

  22. TallyCola

    Did you get a load of the news section?

    “A Conservapedia contributor helps defeat mandatory vaccination; Merck cancels its million-dollar lobbying effort.”
    Of course they’re talking about the HPV vaccine- at least, wikipedia says Merck is the American marketer of the vaccine. It just figures, eh?

    The site is like a parody of itself! I wish there were more articles because then the fun would be endless!

  23. cycles

    Well of course they have 3800 entries. Many of the random entries I looked up are are less than 200 words (examples: rosetta stone, Poland, Al Qaeda, pentagon, Buddhism).

    The storied, complex, incredibly important issue of the Civil Rights Movement is described thusly:

    The civil rights movement occurred in the United States from about 1953 to 1968, as courts and Congress changed laws to end segregation of African Americans in public places and make it easier for them to vote.

    In the 1960s and 1970s, many courts order bussing of children in a largely unsuccessful attempt to integrate public schools. Some bussing from that era continues to the present.

    The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, a lobby group of liberal interests, fought for the basic civil rights of black Americans.

    Liberal interests! Pow! Must be bad.

  24. beth

    you know, you’d think if you wanted to be a godbag, you’d learn how to spell “Genesis” correctly.

  25. Antoinette Niebieszczanski

    Quel surprise, no entry for “AIDS”.

  26. mearl

    Apparently Charles Darwin is just one of those silly gossip-spreaders with his silly theory of evolution. It’s silliness that humans evolved because no one has found the so-called “transitory fossils,” in other words the missing links. Naturally, the solid and believable explanation for this lack of evidence is the existence of a man-god who lives in the sky with angels who will send you to a burning pit of torture for all eternity if you are homosexual, female or any other colour than Puritan White and you presumptuously think you deserve equality.

    *Wiping tears away* Shit, I needed a good laugh to wake me up. Thank you Twisty.

  27. ms_mutt

    Check out this gem from “Did racism play a role in dropping the atomic bomb” discussion.

    “Though this decision* had a racist result, it does not necessarily reflect disfavor for the japanese. It shows that america feared spies.”

    *Korematsu v United States, which allowed the internment of Japanese-Americans

    Jailing families and civilians because of their ethnicity does not reflect society’s racism?!

  28. Sylvanite

    Sadly, they seem to have deleted the entry for the Pacific Northwest Arboreal Octopus. The entry now notes that the entry has been “removed at the request of the original author.” Too bad, because the entry, which was a parody of naturalists’ descriptions of critters (you know, with subsections like Behavior, Reproduction, Conservation, etc.)actually had a comment appended to it by none other than A. Schlafly himself. He claimed that the article was obviously a plant by someone from a scienceblog, but that the joke was really on them, because clearly the article was a parody of environmentalism. Really.

    I went to the website that originally brought us the Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus: http://zapatopi.net/treeoctopus/

    and I can’t figure out the genuine politics of the site owner. As a consequence, I don’t know if it’s genuinely lampooning environmentalism, or just generally screwing with people’s minds like Subgeniuses like to do.

    The point is moot anyway, since the article has been taken down. Conservapedia does successfully come across as having been written by eighth-graders, probably because it was, in fact, written by eighth-graders. Eighth-graders with poor research and writing skills. More so than usual, I mean.

  29. Sylvanite

    Not that I can tell if the site owner is a member of the Church of the Subgenius, either, but it wouldn’t shock me in the least if he worships the Almighty Bob.

  30. LMYC

    At least one bra has been burned — because I was there, and it was a blast. I and a few friends were at a feminist women’s journalism symposium, and we’d just eaten dinner and had some REALLY good red wine, so about twenty drunk women all trooped out to the park outside the dining hall and uproariously decided we had to burn a celebratory bra. I am proud and honored to state that the bra in question was mine, which I took off then and there.

    We took a picture. I opened the picture in Pshop and put ON THE PHOTO: “IF YOU TAKE THIS PICTURE SERIOUSLY, YOU HAVE PROBLEMS” or some such thing.

    Someone there had won some prize of some sort too, so they got to keep the charred bit frmo the bottom elastic as a tender memento of the occasion.

    Feminists + red wine = pyromania!!!!!! Man, that was fun …

  31. donna

    Shouldn’t they have 6000 entries? One for every year the earth has existed?

  32. Twisty

    As will come as no surprise to anyone, I have spent the past 2 days trying to set up Blame-o-Pedia, but the wiki keeps crashing my site. Does anyone know how to wiki?

  33. Twisty

    “At least one bra has been burned — because I was there, and it was a blast.”

    Oh, how I’ve missed you, LMYC.

  34. Christopher Bradley

    I discovered the Conservapedia a couple of days ago. Great stuff. V. funny, if you like black humor. I do, so, yay!

    Still, Sylvanite said:

    The point is moot anyway, since the article has been taken down. Conservapedia does successfully come across as having been written by eighth-graders, probably because it was, in fact, written by eighth-graders. Eighth-graders with poor research and writing skills. More so than usual, I mean.

    Sadly, it is likely written by adults. There should be a whole science devoted to how otherwise reasonably bright people can believe in things that are so very, very wrong. Not even just a little wrong but stuff like how the Biblical unicorn was really a dinosaur. Even has an illustration. So, really wrong, as in “totally disconnected from reality”. The causes of smart people believing dumb shit needs to be identified so we can come up with a cure.

  35. Lalock

    What a treasure trove of tripe. In the Kangaroo entry:

    “[M]odern kangaroos, like all modern animals, originated in the Middle East[1] and are the descendants of the two founding members of the modern kangaroo baramin that were taken aboard Noah’s Ark prior to the Great Flood.”

    What’s a baramin?, you may ask. Baraminology is the basket in which creationists have piled their anti-evolutionary species explaining eggs. You see,

    “Neobaramins [the living population] have undergone genetic degradation from their perfectly created forms (archaebaramin) and so may differ from their paleobaramins in notable ways. For example, the neobaramin of Humanity has a much shorter lifespan and greater prevalence of genetic diseases than the Human paleobaramin (i.e. Adam lived for 930 years and his children could interbreed without fear of deformity).”

    It’s all so clear now. Why didn’t I see it before?

  36. norbizness

    The entire thing might not be a joke, but the parts that aren’t are hardly distinguishable from the parts that are, thanks to a tidal wave of subtle (and not-so-subtle) creations. It still is more accurate than your average Texas textbook, though.

  37. thebewilderness

    Do not denigrate the Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus! I warn you, they have tentacles and eat unsuspecting brains with them.

  38. Sylvanite

    Well, Christopher Bradley, you may have a point about it having been written by adults. Conservapedia evidently started out as an assignment for home-schooled christian kids of middle and high-school age, but many of the articles may in fact be cribbed verbatim from idiotic christian homeschooler textbooks. So the kids may also be plagiarists if they didn’t not the source of the “information.” Of course, Mr. Schlafly may also have written any number of the articles himself. Yeesh!

    I don’t know why Pinko Punko’s comment on the Tree Octopus wasn’t up when I wrote mine. Stupid internets.

  39. Sylvanite

    Didn’t note the source of the information. Gah!

  40. M The Pedagogue

    Never before has this common utterance from me been quite so spot-on:

    HOLY SHIT.

    Just when you think you’re impervious to colossal acts of stupidity, another zinger comes at ya.

    *off to go shake head in nauseated wonder*

  41. Bitey

    Oh, man! How am I supposed to study when there’s so much fun to be had? On the other hand, this is studying, right?

    I really enjoyed the entry titled “Europe,” quoted here in its entirety:
    “The continent west of Asia and north of Africa. Major countries include France, Germany, Spain, Italy, and the United Kingdom.”
    ‘Cause, you know, the other countries in Europe are just so minor.

    I’m also hoping to work this illuminating remark, from the “Atheism” entry, into some future research paper:
    “Other famous atheists include Pol Pot and Stalin.” But then, just when you think they’re utterly clueless and horrible, they offer this: “Without divine approval for one moral code over all others it becomes logically difficult to argue that one code is superior to all others.” Goodness. They’ve hit the nail on the head. When they’re right, they’re right.

  42. pheeno

    Read the entries on Noahs Ark.

    Seriously.

    Inbred kangaroos made it to Australia on rafts.

    I shit you not, thats what it says. And its not a joke entry. (several other sites have found this and have been having a wonderful time entering in joke info that actually makes it on there)

  43. Christopher Bradley

    Conservapedia evidently started out as an assignment for home-schooled christian kids of middle and high-school age, but many of the articles may in fact be cribbed verbatim from idiotic christian homeschooler textbooks. So the kids may also be plagiarists if they didn’t not the source of the “information.”

    I do not know whether to be sad or laugh. Not at you, Sylvanite! But that there are idiotic Christian homeschooler textbooks. It is something I have not thought much about, but I’m sure I’d find them to be a combination of depressing and extremely funny.

  44. LMYC

    Oh, how I’ve missed you, LMYC.

    My browser crashed and I lost/forgot my password — nice to be back.

    You know what’s the really sad part — well okay, the really sad part I forgot to bring up? Legions of male wanker morons will probably read my story about burning a bra and think that feminist journalism conventions must be like hot jiggly chicks gone wild cuz we’re like takin’ our bras off an’ stuff, maaaaan! Instead of what it was: a bunch of women a couple bubbles off plumb thanks to some nice cabernet, one of whom of the particularly bony-assed variety was standing there in a flannel shirt and jeans with her hands in her pockets only with her tits about an eighth of an inch further south than they had been initially.

    Come to think of it, it’s a wonder none of us were RAAAAAAAAAAAAPED! I mean in retrospect, we were drunk, right? Doesn’t drunkness in women cause RAAAAAAAAAAAAAPE? My silly girly-brain gets so mixed up about shit like this.

  45. Antelope

    I thought the Bushies really hit the nail on the head when they accused liberals and the liberal media of being part of the reality based community, and explained that they are past all that. (It always gives me visions of the “Today is history” scene from Schindler’s list when I think about that line.)

    Things like Wikipedia are designed for the reality based community. Conservatives shouldn’t even be trying to emulate it, because it could only damage the youth’s ability to take things on faith. That’s what makes all this truly strange – are they somehow unaware that by even trying to create such a site, it makes them look like they’re promoting some version of reasoning?

    Reasoning leads to questioning, and questioning leads to sin as surely as night leads to day.

  46. Sylvanite

    Well, Christopher, check out A Beka Books. http://www.abeka.com/

  47. Antelope

    In case anybody somehow missed this line back when it happened, here is the full quote from Wikipedia. I think this quote cannot be repeated often enough.

    The source of the term is a quotation in an October 17, 2004, New York Times Magazine article by writer Ron Suskind, quoting an unnamed aide to George W. Bush:

    The aide said that guys like me were “in what we call the reality-based community,” which he defined as people who “believe that solutions emerge from your judicious study of discernible reality.” … “That’s not the way the world really works anymore,” he continued. “We’re an empire now, and when we act, we create our own reality. And while you’re studying that reality—judiciously, as you will—we’ll act again, creating other new realities, which you can study too, and that’s how things will sort out. We’re history’s actors . . . and you, all of you, will be left to just study what we do.”

  48. Spinning Liz

    Damn, I really wish Michaelangelo had managed to portray those inbred rafting kangaroos somewhere in the Sistine Chapel.

  49. Bean

    I don’t see the problem with the feminism entry. Both sex’s desreve equal rights, thats a pretty good way of putting it.

  50. Clio Bluestocking

    I did a Google News search for Conservapedia. Here are the results:
    http://news.google.com/news?hl=en&ned=us&q=Conservapedia .

  51. Stenz

    My favorite of all. So short, to the point, and factual. I present the entry for Delaware:

    What a hole.

    http://www.conservapedia.com/Delaware

  52. Christopher Bradley

    Things like Wikipedia are designed for the reality based community. Conservatives shouldn’t even be trying to emulate it, because it could only damage the youth’s ability to take things on faith. That’s what makes all this truly strange – are they somehow unaware that by even trying to create such a site, it makes them look like they’re promoting some version of reasoning?

    Reasoning leads to questioning, and questioning leads to sin as surely as night leads to day.

    Antelope,

    Amongst other people, a retired Episcopalian bishop, John Shelby Spong, says that the key crisis in religious faith is the tension between literal readings of the Bible and science. (I think that Spong isn’t going nearly far enough. It’s not just “the Bible vs. science” but “the Bible vs. modernity in all its forms, of which science is but a part”.) He says that amongst themselves, religious leaders are quite aware of this and are openly discussing it but that conservative religion (which dominates American religion, obviously) makes sure that no preacher in America lets their congregations know about this — that, in effect, there is a conspiracy to keep actual religious discussions away from the laypeople because religious leaders fear a mass exodus away from religion if, y’know, they show any break in ranks. Spong feels this is absurd (and it is, though I think that basing religion on the absurdities of the Old Testament rather than absurdities of the New Testament is pretty much a non-starter, too) and it illustrates that, yeah, the leaders of the church are aware that the “reality-based community” utterly threatens their way of life and they are consciously and actively fighting against it.

    On the up side? Their fight is doomed. This is the last screams of a dying beast, momentarily dangerous in its death throes but doomed to oblivion.

  53. LMYC

    On the up side? Their fight is doomed. This is the last screams of
    a dying beast, momentarily dangerous in its death throes but
    doomed to oblivion.

    I wouldn’t bet the farm on that one.

  54. finnsmotel

    “John Shelby Spong, says that the key crisis in religious faith is the tension between literal readings of the Bible and science.”

    I would be interested in a graph that plots out, over time, the percentage of the global population that comprehends symbolic language (analogy, metaphor, simile, etc.)

    I’m not history major, but, I do wonder if that index hasn’t surged and receded several times. We, in the US, are currently experiencing a recession, I believe.

    Either that, or there’s a big group of people willfully misunderstanding.

    Or both.

    -finn

  55. Bitey

    Do we still want tasty little tidbits? I know I do!

    from“Democrat”: “When the Democrats and Republicans split the control of the presidency and Congress, the US enters a state of Divided government, often resulting in Gridlock.” There is no such sentence in the “Republican” entry. The “Republican” entry does not link to “Democrat.”

    from“Democrat”: “Catholics identify as Democrats more than Republican, but the opposite is true for Evangelicals.”

    from“Democrat”: “Many Americans are also wary of the Democratic support for the homosexual agenda, including forcing gays to marry thereby weakening the institution of marriage.” Is that what the Dems are up to? Huh.

    “Elizabeth Cady Stanton”: “A woman who pushed for women’s rights in America. Died before achieving her goal.” That’s the whole entry. No dates, nothing. But, seriously, when they’re right, they’re right.

    from “Americal Civil War”: “Slavery was abolished for the most part and reconstruction took over.” For the most part?! Is this another case of their being shockingly correct?

  56. Rob

    The entry on feminism must be the conservative equivalent to “Mostly harmless.”

  57. magickitty

    All right, I took a look at the books on that homeschool text site, and learned the following nugget:

    “For a long time, the Bible was our only record of what early life in Mesopotamia was like. In recent years, men have found other records of early times there, but none is as accurate as the Bible, our only completely accurate record of ancient (very old) history.”

    (Bold and underline emphasis is all theirs.)

  58. Calabama

    Christian homeschool textbooks — hell, yeah, they’re just as scary as you might imagine; Conservapedia is all too familiar. While homeschooling my younger daughter in the early years, when it came to orchestra, swim team and such, we discovered that just about every other homeschooler here in rural Northern California is a fundie. She’s a tad outspoken and was told many times she was going to hell. I’ll never forget her frustrated response when a bunch of them ganged up on her (verbally) one afternoon: “You….. you….. DAMN GOD-LOVERS!” Cracked me up.

    And my older daughter’s partner was raised Pentecostal, homeschooled by his missionary parents on a Christian curriculum and has unbelievable tales of xenophobic indoctrination. He also attended militant Christian summer camp for the kiddies (see Jesus Camp).

    For a taste of this online, visit the absurdly named http://objectiveministries.org/kidz/, where you’ll find “Habu’s Corner,” in which a berobed elephant wearing a caste mark and a Krishna-esque topknot is taunted for his faith: “Wouldn’t you rather have just one God who loves you a bunch than a bunch of gods that don’t love you at all? Jesus loves everybody, even the unsaved like Habu!”

    And don’t forget the Spiritual Safety Tip: “If you find an Atheist in your neighborhood, TELL A PARENT OR PASTOR RIGHT AWAY! You may be moved to try and witness to these poor lost souls yourself, however AVOID TALKING TO THEM! Atheists are often very grumpy and bitter and will lash out at children or they may even try to trick you into neglecting God’s Word. Very advanced witnessing techniques are needed for these grouches. Let the adults handle them.”

    Wish you were right about the death throes, but here in Calabama, the beast is thriving.

  59. Scratchy888

    Inbred kangaroos made it to Australia on rafts.

    And now they’re running the government.

  60. redhead

    This is my favorite, on the ‘examples of bias on wikipedia’ page:

    Wikipedia often uses foreign spelling of words, even though most English-speaking users are American. Look up “Most Favored Nation” on Wikipedia and it automatically converts the spelling to the British spelling “Most Favoured Nation.” Look up “Division of labor” on Wikipedia and it automatically converts to the British spelling “Division of labour,” then insists on the British spelling for “specialization” also.[9] Enter “Hapsburg” (the European ruling family) and Wikipedia automatically changes the spelling to Habsburg, even though the American spelling has always been “Hapsburg”. Within entries British spellings appear in the silliest of places, even when the topic is American. Conservapedia favors American spellings of words.

    Obviously, that extra ‘u’ is anti-American. And, there’s another spelling for ‘specialization.’

  61. Silence

    Delaware. ‘What a hole’? Well, so glad I wasted time writing a 92 page Master’s thesis on that hole. Sheesh.

    Honestly, shouldn’t this Conservapedia stuff be over on the ‘Heilein was a knob’ thread? Because in general, it’s a seething mass of science fiction (emphasis on the fiction, very little science), complete and total denial of reality, (fantasy) and a totally warped view of history that could only exist in an alternate universe.

    Oh, and they probably deleted the Pacific Northwest Arboreal Octopus because they couldn’t figure out which berth it had on Noah’s Ark. Don’t shake your heads at me. Anyone dumb enough to believe this crap is going to believe an octopus needs to get on a boat when there’s a lot of water around.

    Come to think of it, has anyone ever asked these wingnuts if Noah had any fish onboard his old boat? That would be a great way to find out if there was anything that resembled logic squirming around in their heads.

  62. Bitey

    Re that Avoid Atheists thing: Yeah, I’ve had two kinds of experience with that, and the “Run away!” response is actually less typical. I did know one guy with whom I used to have very interesting conversations and debates, until he learned that I am an atheist. After that, he would actually turn in the other direction when he saw me coming. He would smile and nod and walk the other way. The more common response is that, as soon as I say, “Actually, I’m an atheist,” their eyes light up, and they want to know why (asked in a “You don’t like puppies?! Why?!” tone), and they invite me to Bible study and give me reading material. I guess bagging an atheist is an evangelical’s wet dream. They go limp pretty quick, though, when they figure out that I have read the Bible–studied it, actually–and that I already like Jesus. Jesus is kinda awesome, for a religious nut. He’s very cranky, for one thing, and he hates hypocrites. Kinda like us.

  63. Christopher Bradley

    Habu’s Corner hurt my soul. I am crying, now.

    Tho’ I’m sorta glad that I, apparently, require advanced witnessing techniques, hehe. I defy that I’m grouchy . . . well, OK, I can be grouchy, particularly in the morning.

  64. magickitty

    Spinning Liz, perhaps kangaroos were oringinally included… according to my favourite religious commentary evarrrrr.

  65. redhead

    This is just too easy.

    Click on ‘debate topics’; the topics include ‘Is it even possible to install democracy in a Muslim country?’, ‘Crusades. . .good or bad?’, ‘Should Creationism/Intelligent Design be taught as a scientific alternative to evolution in public schools?’, ‘Which is a more powerful ideology, Islam or Communism?’,'Does the high abortion rate among African Americans explain the quadruple extreme premature birth risk among the same population?’

    and the best entry is ‘How should Conservapedia work to avoid having a conservative bias?’

  66. MikeWC

    The Plato entry:

    Plato was a great Greek philosopher from 428 to 347 BC, after which he was not so great. He was a student of Socrates and founded the Academy, a school bereft of buildings wherein Plato taught his students while wanking. He wrote the Republic, and its logical sequel, The Laws, as well as a large number of other, less popular works in which he showed (amongst other things) how to teach geometry to slaves, how to irritate sophists, and how everything in the world is made of triangles. One of Plato’s pupils was Aristotle.

    Absolutely sublime.

  67. LMYC

    And here we go:

    Commentary from 1999:

    And after the dinner, one of the women somehow got a bra from one of the third wave panel members, Mylene, and we decided that we just had to burn it! Note for any male or uptight readers: IT WAS A JOKE. WE WERE KIDDING AND LAUGHING OUR ASSES OFF ABOUT IT THE WHOLE TIME. Sort of, “Look, we’re feminists! Let’s burn a bra! *uproarious laughter*” So out we trooped to the firepit and lit the thing on fire. Some people were unable to get their cameras to work in time, so I sacrificed one of mine, taking it off from under my shirt (you’d be surprised how easy it is) and watching it go up in smoke courtesy of Sidra’s pocket lighter. We all joked at how, if the mainstream male media had covered the JAWS event, that would have been the only picture they would have taken at the whole event, and what was a larky joke would have been transformed into a screaming 200-point headlines “FEMINISTS BURN BRA AT MANLESS JOURNALISM CONVENTION.”

  68. LMYC

    Shit. Here’s the picture URL

    http://www.3rdwwwave.com/pix/jaws/sundance7.jpg

  69. vera

    At my house tonight we are reading from the Conservapedia and laughing until tears run down our faces. Thanks so much for bringing it to our attention!

  70. Belle O'Cosity

    Wow Twisty, I just spent a week looking through your archives. My flagging feminist spirit has been re-awoken. God am I depressed. I am currently blaming all over the place.

  71. jc.

    If ignorance is bliss home schooled ignorant fundementalist conservatives should be so over the moon happy that they leave the rest of us alone.
    Another clever saying which doesn´t hold water unfortunately
    I´m hoping the “rapture” occurs any day now so that the rest of us can get on with honest attempts to understand and improve the world for everybody.
    Can you imagine spending ETERNITY with these deliberately arrogant ignorant destructive fools? That´s heaven?
    Please jesus take ´em home now.

  72. dio

    I wanted to hopin but no, you already are overloaded ;-)

  73. qiqa

    From “today in history”: “March 9, 1981 – Ketchup is made a vegetable, so public schools can include it in a balanced meal”.

  74. The Hedonistic Pleasureseeker

    “In case of Rapture, can I have your car?”

    BEST.BUMPER.STICKER.EVER.

  75. Mandos

    In case no one noticed, the Objective: Ministries thing is a Landover-Baptistean parody.

  76. Mar Iguana

    “Their fight is doomed. This is the last screams of a dying beast, momentarily dangerous in its death throes but doomed to oblivion.” Christopher Bradley

    Precisely.

  77. Beth

    Twisty, if you’ll shoot me an email describing your wiki woes, I’ll be more than happy to help you out with it. Hell, I set up web applications for a living, but doing it for the Blamopedia would rock my little world.

  78. Beth

    Hey Christopher Bradley (and anyone else interested), Spong wrote a column for BeliefNet for a couple of years before he retired. Here is a link to his archives. Believing in a Sky Daddy ain’t my thing, but if you’re into that, you could do worse than reading Spong.

  79. Claire

    Is the Blame-o-pedia working yet?

  80. Foilwoman

    I very much look forward to the Blame-o-pedia. As a novice blamer, I doubt my contributions would be worthwhile, but reading it definitely will be. As I am non-custodial this weekend, I will try to draft some entries that might possibly meet with Our Fearless Leader’s approval, if I am very, very lucky. Also, I’ll try to get a password for the Conservapedia. I have so much to add to their world view. And FFS, those home-schooled kids are not well educated. Imagine my shock.

  81. Roov

    I and my sisters were homeschooled (for paranoid-hippie the-government-is-out-to-brainwash-us reasons, not religion), and we were very excited one year to run into this whole group of other homeschoolers in our area. Several families, with lots of other kids we could play with! They organized potlucks and activities! Joy! Of course they turned out to be born-again Christians.

    Having been brung up right (I kid–obviously it was terribly, terribly wrong), we would politely smile and nod when they’d warn us against certain demon-authored books, and try to just play with the kids and have fun and such.

    Most of them were quite nice people, but, as we came to realize, they seemed to be incapable of going ten minutes without bringing up God, and His Plan, and how good it is to be Saved, and we just weren’t that interested in talking about it. I came to think of it as a sort of involuntary mental tic.

    I think eventually they realized we were never going to convert and stopped inviting us to things.

    I guess there’s really not much of a story there, but the Christian homeschool texts comments reminded me of the carefree days of my own heathen youth. Good times, good times.

  82. Secret Rapture

    My inaugural address at the Great White Throne Judgment of the Dead, after I have raptured out billions! The Secret Rapture soon, by my hand!
    Read My Inaugural Address
    At = http://www.angelfire.com/crazy/spaceman

  83. sarah

    Wow Conservopedia sure is comprehensive! Attempts at looking up “normal” topics such as “parrot” or “anime” came up…with nothing. How about changing the named to paranoia-pedia

  84. Shira

    From the entry on Ronald Reagan:

    Reagan was strongly opposed to the concept of Big government, advocating a reduction in the size and budget of the federal government, although during his terms in office the government size and budget both increased rather than decreasing due to tax-and-spend Democrats.

    From “Judicial Activism”

    There are two major types of judicial activism practiced in the United States’ court system:

    1. Liberal judges striking down laws that uphold core conservative American values
    2. Liberal judges refusing to strike down laws that subvert core conservative American values

    And the entry on Japan, in its entirety:

    Group of islands of the eastern coast of Asia.

    Early signs of human life appeared in Japan around the year 3000 BC. The wild Japanese Bison was an early target of wild game, hunted to extinction within 500 years.

    I’m not going to get anything done today – this site is too funny!

  85. Spinning Liz

    I was pleased to see that “godbag” showed up in the Double-Tongue Dictionary yesterday with some credit to Twisty.

  86. al

    Ha, shit like this is why I love Yanks: Effortless satire.

    Do yourselves a favour: Don’t read the entry on Hillary Clinton.

    Because I know you will, bad kids, here’s a taste:

    Hillary Clinton viewed her role as a co-equal with President Bill Clinton during his presidency. [...]

    At the height of the scandal that led to the impeachment of President Clinton, Hillary Clinton blamed it all on a “vast right-wing conspiracy.” Her statement was widely ridiculed.

  87. Foilwoman

    And I thought everyone loved us Yanks because we’re so darn lovable. Especially the liberated Iraqis who are now free from rape or torture. Yup.

  88. Grumpybear

    Looked up “Hillary Clinton”, Check it:

    Hillary Clinton viewed her role as a co-equal with President Bill Clinton during his presidency, despite the fact that she is a woman.

  89. ramou

    There is no page titled “masturbation”. You can create this page.

    blame-o-pedia

    Ohhh! Setting up a new server environment to while away my woes, I needed something to test some of the new and nifty thingamabobs that nobody else but me really cares about.

    So, do I test on live paying clients? No, that’d silly. Imma testing on the blame-o-pedia.

    That’s right, secret identity revealed to those clever few who can use the “Internet”. http://www.blame-o-pedia.com should be open for business later today. I think I’ll name the account user “twisty” :)

  90. wren

    So, following up on Delaware, I decided to see what they had to say about Vermont, lovable bastion of civil unions and pinko commie hippies that it is. There is, in fact, no entry, since if we close our eyes real tight and hope real hard, it doesn’t exist.

  91. dryxi

    Delaware may be a “hole,” but those of us who have the bad luck of finding ourselves residing in Oklahoma don’t even exist!

  92. dryxi

    sorry wren, didn’t see your comment :S

  93. Pinko Punko

    Blame-o-pedia would be fun, but I think the trolls will be as attracted to it as they would Conservapedia, so I worry about it working as a real Wiki. In light of the fact that this is almost a serious comment, I continue, the Talk page concerning Shrimpy Corndogs is bound to be a howler, with Stingray sock puppeting away and certain anonymous commenters decrying the rich DUDE food, while other commenters shooting down my edits of “LOOKS TOTALLY DELICIOUS” as too POV.

  94. The Hedonistic Pleasureseeker

    Can we set it up so that only registered members of IBTP can post to the blameopedia? Oh, wait, are we not registering here any more? I am so confused.

  95. ramou

    Can we set it up so that only registered members of IBTP can post to the blameopedia? Oh, wait, are we not registering here any more? I am so confused.

    Yeah, I was thinking that. I’m not going to make it an open wiki, but I’m thinking of making it something whereby a few distinguished members of IBTP have authority to grant privilege to those they deem “fit”. Oh, and I’d have access too, but I promise not to be a real big dick :P

    I’d want to go on about my work in peer review – based systems and peer review hybrids, but while it’s interesting to think about, I’m falling asleep at just the thought of trying to talk about it :P

    A shame this blog wasn’t on one of those blog systems supporting OpenID, then we’d be set!

    ramou

  96. EJ

    you can just endlessly click the random page link to generate a cavalcade of mirth.

    This is by far my favorite so far:

    http://www.conservapedia.com/Melee

  97. Ledasmom

    I am exceedingly embarrassed to admit that my husband and I just spent ten minutes staring at the melee picture, trying to decide if that’s an SCA melee or not.
    Conservapedia is endlessly entertaining. This may be my favorite so far:

    “Hell (from the Hebrew “sheol”) is a Christian afterlife where the wicked are punished eternally for all the sins they perpetrated during their lifetime on Earth. The only way to avoid hell is to accept Jesus Christ as your personal lord and savior.
    Also: Where we dine tonight”

  98. chris

    So Twisty, what’s so funny about the definition of feminism? It’s factual and more or less neutral in its wording. If you’ve ever met a feminist, you’d probably find them fairly reasonable and easy to get along with.

  99. Twisty

    In case you aren’t joking, chris, suppose you clue me in as to what is “factual” about that definition.

    If you are joking, sorry. It’s so hard to tell with these newfangled blog things.

  100. The Hedonistic Pleasureseeker

    Wow, this IS Komedy Korner! (trots off to make popcorn)

  101. EJ

    This is even better, purely because this was an actual inadvertent juxtaposition

    http://www.conservapedia.com/Spartan_Soldiers

    http://www.conservapedia.com/Military_First

    Ancient Greek hardcore militarism? Great! Let’s make a movie! Modern Korean hardcore militarism? Scary Scary!!

  102. EJ

    Well, I HOPE the melee is SCA, if not that’s even more disturbing.

  103. Pony

    “If you are joking, sorry. It’s so hard to tell with these newfangled blog things.”

    thingeys

  104. thebewilderness

    Chris: It’s factual and more or less neutral in its wording.

    I think the saying is, a little more less than more.

  105. Ledasmom

    Well, EJ, there are other roughly-speaking medieval-reconstruction groups out there besides the SCA, and some of that armor didn’t look allowable under SCA combat rules (bare heads, no neck protection), and the swords don’t look padded.
    I’m just embarrassing myself here, aren’t I.

  106. thebewilderness

    Ledasmom,
    If it helps, I understand exactly what you are talking about.

  107. Bird

    I am exceedingly embarrassed to admit that my husband and I just spent ten minutes staring at the melee picture, trying to decide if that’s an SCA melee or not.

    Looks like an older photo of SCA combat to me. Those are rattan weapons, but some of those helmets wouldn’t be legal anymore. The bareheaded guys may be marshals (you can see their staffs).

    Oh, hell, I’ve said too much. I’m wandering back to the nerd thread now.

  108. Mar Iguana

    “The bareheaded guys may be marshals (you can see their staffs).” Bird

    I’m not touchin’ that line with a pole.

  109. hedonistic

    Since this is the Komedy Korner I thought I’d share:

    I sent a link from Pandagon to a weenie-bearing friend of mine who responded with “Me thinks you need another vacation, what has got you all revved up this morning my little feminista?”

    So do I use some of my precious vacation time to track this one down and pull his weenie off NOW, or wait for the weekend?

  110. thebewilderness

    Dear Hedonistc, cripes, I almost typed Hedonista. I strongly recommend prompt corrective measures. By the weekend he won’t have any idea what your talking about, what your problem is, and why you just never seem to be able to take a joke.

  111. Bird

    “The bareheaded guys may be marshals (you can see their staffs).” Bird

    I’m not touchin’ that line with a pole.

    Ack! I didn’t even think of that.

    For the record, many men are very uncomfortable with the idea of staffs and poles coming into contact. Just sayin’ is all.

  112. Monika

    I had a good time on this website… I thought FOR SURE it had to be satire. Here are some of the quotes:

    “Feminism is the philosophy that women deserve to have rights equal to those of men. This directly contradicts the bible.”

    “Homosexuality is a sexual attraction between members of the same sex. It is condemned by the Bible.”

    “Creationists can cite material showing that there is no solid fossil evidence for the macroevolutionary position and that the fossil record supports creationism… The macroevolutionary position asserts that the earth and universe are billions of years old. However, young earth creationist scientists assert that there is an abundance of scientific arguments showing the earth and universe are both approximately 6,000 years in age. In addition, young earth creationist scientists have a number of arguments against the position of an extremely old age for the earth and the universe.”

    “The search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq is not over, and it has yielded results so far.”

    And if you are interested in discussion, you can debate “were the Crusades good or bad?” “should people genetically engineer a cure for homosexuality?” “which is a more powerful ideology – Islam or Communism?” “is the pope the anti-christ?” or if it is “even possible to install democracy in a Muslim country?”…

    I am not kidding… Citations on yesterday’s blog http://thecuriousescapadesofdeedeethecat.blogspot.com/2007/03/conservative-wiki.html

    Cheers!

    Monika

  1. blog against sexism day » Young Anabaptist Radicals

    [...] That’s right. Today is not only International Women’s Day, but Blog Against Sexism Day – and it’s not over yet, so I can still slip in under the wire, because do you know how awful it would be to blog against sexism on the wrong day? That’s right, if we went off blogging about sexism more than one day of the year, women would start to feel like they “deserved to have equal rights” (Thanks Conservapedia! (via Twisty Faster)). [...]

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