Mar 17 2007


I know how you all look forward to these close-ups of my fresh incisions.

Me: I always forget. How long does this stuff take to work?

Anesthesiologist [depressing syringe plunger]: You probably won’t even remember me saying th–

Me: What am I doing with this Taco Cabana taco wrapper in my hand? Why am I in your car? Man, it feels like somebody harpooned me in the collarbone. What’s that horrible smell?

My sibling Tidy: Dad-gum, how many times do I have to tell you this? You said you couldn’t wait to eat until you got home, and you ordered extra onions.


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  1. BubbasNightmare

    My only experience with that amnesiac-inducing stuff (Versed?) caused me to babble to the surgeon about Klingons. The anesthesiologist, who recognized my grammar, told the puzzled-looking surgeon to keep going.

    Glad to see you back on your feet and enjoying tacos again. And yes, extra onion indeed.

  2. The Hedonistic Pleasureseeker

    Bubbas: But were you speaking Klingon?

    I love amnesia. It’s the Universe’s gift to sentient beings! Sort of like that OTHER gift that keeps us from blowing our brains out with a revolver on a daily basis. Unfortunately I forget what it is.

  3. MzNicky

    =wearing a pouty face= Hey! No fair, Twisty got the cool drugs. My sadist doc kept me awake. I love knockout drugs.

  4. vera

    The only time I’ve had the kind of anesthesia that knocks you out (for an emergency apendectomy), I awoke to find myself describing to the nice young woman in the recovery room the various other kinds of drugs I’ve taken.

  5. vera

    Should be two p’s in appendectomy.

    I am envious of people who speak Klingon. I’ve never been good at languages.

  6. Spinning Liz

    I don’t know what the hell I said to that handsome radiologist when he pulled the wire out of my groin, but to this day he still recognizes me in the halls and shrieks out my name with glee.

    The incision is cool, but what I really want to know is whether there’s going to be a permanent pocket of loose flappy skin where the giant doorbell used to be.

  7. Colleen

    My doctor kept me awake too. When moved, it felt like the port weighed a ton. Not pleasant.

  8. B. Dagger Lee

    Hedonistic: The other gift(s)? Shock and denial, the gifts that keep on giving.

    yrs, BDL

  9. Twisty

    The incision is cool, but what I really want to know is whether there’s going to be a permanent pocket of loose flappy skin where the giant doorbell used to be.

    Exactly! I was discussing this very thing with Stingray not half an hour ago. I won’t know, unfortunately, until the swelling goes down. If there is a disgusting flappy skinpocket, you can rely on me to post a picture.

  10. Kumachka

    Glad you are no longer a cyborg.


    In preparation for a minor procedure, I asked my septuagenarian old-school-but-cool, doc about drugs.

    “Versed,” he said.

    “Will I be conscious?”

    “Yes,” he replied, “It’s really relaxing. We could through you out the window and you wouldn’t care.”

    Love the old school.

  11. Dr. Free-Ride

    In the event of unforseen flappy skinpocket, is there any way to put it to use as an *actual* pocket?

    As a handbag hater of long standing, I feel one can never have enough pockets.

  12. nightgigjo

    Twice in my life I’ve known this feeling, both for oral surgery. I remember it well… or rather, I am not likely to forget the gaps.

    Heal up good, and soon. :)

  13. Lara

    In body modification, pocketing is generally done to hold transdermal implants. I can’t see any physical/surgical reason why a pocket couldn’t be fashioned from normal skin in a floppy area, though a bit of extra skin (graft) might be needed for coverage, and the results would be likely to be highly variable.

  14. BubbasNightmare

    ‘“Versed,” he said.
    “Will I be conscious?”
    “Yes,” he replied, “It’s really relaxing. We could through you out the window and you wouldn’t care.”’

    Yeah. Versed was pretty cool, but disconcerting. It causes short-term amnesia with only minor pain-killing aspects. Apparently the worst thing about pain is not so much the immediate experience but the anticipation of more pain. No memory, no anticipation.

    Conversations, however, go straight to stream-of consciousness, with yours being the only consciousness.

  15. Lisa

    Glad you no longer have to deal with extra appliances. I’ve not had a central port, but have had a PICC line. I think this is a fundamental flaw in our evolutional biology. I don’t understand why we don’t have a permanent and organic port somewhere. It would make managing the BIOS that much easier.

  16. LMYC

    OW OW OW OW OW — glad the little sumbitch is gone. :-)

  17. kcb

    Adios, port!

    Twisty, I wonder if you got the same stuff I got during a D and C a few years ago. The doc gave me the dope and next thing, I was at home, asking my DH if he had remembered to bring my clothes home. This amused him greatly, as I was wearing them. It took me several hours to get why that was funny.

  18. Jodie

    It wasn’t until I had Versed for my colonoscopy that I realized why people might become addicted to alcohol or other things.

    Floaty clouds, no emotions other than curiosity. I made the doc turn the screen so I could see the probe and ask questions. Ultimate coolness.

  19. MzNicky

    Twisty and Liz: I had no loose flappy skin pocket when my port came out. It went back flat again. Very, very flat.

  20. ChapstickAddict

    Last time I had to go under for surgery, my parents found me in the recovery room curled up in a chair, with a blanket over my head, and I was hiccuping. The next thing I remember, I was at home eating cheesecake.

  21. The Hedonistic Pleasureseeker

    Moi tends to assault nurses while coming out of nitro (deep down, sweet HPS is one violent bitch. Who knew?). Otherwise, when it comes to the heavy-duty knockout drugs, I only want more. Woooooo fluffy clouds! Send me back! Plus, when it comes to IV pain meds they’ve got some good STUFF these days, especially the quick-and-short acting meds they’ll let you pick your own doses of. MMMM yea baby!

  22. Joanna

    I have learned so much from all y’all. I will face my upcoming colonoscopy with a different kind of anticipation.

  23. BubbasNightmare

    Here I go swerving the thread off into the Stygian inkiness again.

    Joanna, do yourself a favor. Do your colonoscopy on a Monday. That way, you can spend Saturday and Sunday on the toilet. Because you won’t be able to get very far from it, what with the purgatives you’ll be consuming then.

  24. anonymous one

    glad that sucker’s outta there!

  25. femhist

    I have no idea what kind of drugs they gave me for my breast reduction surgery (way back in 1998). What I do remember is that in my pre-op consultation with the anesthesiologist, I was told that when in the recovery room, after I woke up, I wouldn’t feel anything for awhile. But as soon as I felt any pain, I should let them know so they could give me painkillers; apparently the pain starts out small and then grows exponentially. I was so worried I wouldn’t tell them in time that I regained consciousness yelling “I’m in pain! I’m in pain!” and the nurses couldn’t get me to stop for a few minutes.

    The coolest thing about the anesthesia i had (whatever it was) was that there was no sense of the passage of time, as there always is for me when I’m asleep under normal conditions. It was like, one second I was lying down on the table; the next instant I was awake in the recovery. Absolutely no sense of time. It was very weird.

    The worst part of anesthesia: the two days I spent constantly vomiting afterward.

  26. Shell Goddamnit

    I found this uproariously funny – I think it’s the teleportation effect. Or perhaps its the old “hey it’s not me that got hurt! hahahahaha!” slapstick thing. Sorry.

    Vive la poche! Heal fast, heal well, leave a beautiful scar.

  27. Rene

    Did you schedule your procedure so that you’d be in a merciful drug-fog during SXSW? Smart girl!

    I had a dream about you last night, and I hope it means that you’re going to make a speedy recovery from your surgery and that it’s the last surgery you’re going to need. Eight IS enough.


  28. Patti

    Those newest little iPods are pretty little. If there turns out to be a pocket.

  29. Twisty

    POCKET UPDATE: It looks like there won’t be one. Too bad, because you know how you can never find a guitar pick when you need one?

  30. kathy a

    there was a time when *all* those lost guitar picks came to my house. son moved and we don’t have band practice here anymore, so i expect they transport themselves to someone else’s house now, on accounta inadequate vibes chez moi.

    handy tips: guitar picks look not much worse for being washed in the pocket of some jeans. none melted in the dryer, either, as far as i remember. so go wild and keep a few in all your pants, just in case.

    glad the poochy thing is healing up!

  31. Ron Sullivan

    Geez, it would’ve been fun to put one of those little LED things in there and turn it on at random moments. You know how shining a flashlight through the skin of your hand makes this deep red glow? It would’ve been a great fashion accessory. Plus you’d never be without a nightlight.

  32. MzNicky

    Twisty: Told ya. (Sorry, couldn’t resist.)

    Yah, I’m having a really bad fucking day. The dog next door ate my cat. I’m trying not to take it personally, even though the monstrous neighbor children (male, of course) seemed to get a kick out of it.

    Just thought I’d throw that in.

  33. Mar Iguana

    Aw geez, MzNicky. I’m so sorry. That’s horrible.

  34. Sylvanite

    The dog ate your cat, MzNicky? Jebus, I hope you took that up with the owners of the dog (The adult owners, I mean, of course, not the kids. The ones that have money.).

    My only anesthesia stories involve the removal of my wisdom teeth. It seems they were impacted. They gave me some nitrous oxide to keep me calm while they inserted the IV for the general anesthetic. I distinctly recall that they had trouble finding a vein. They were really digging around in my arm. I remember thinking,”Wow, this really hurts. Maybe I should say something? Naaaahhh.” When I woke up post-surgery, drooling and bleeding on the operating chair, the first thing the oral surgeon said to me was,”Your wisdom teeth had four roots!” His tone was very accusatory. Apparently, molars are only supposed to have two roots, and I had apparently produced molars with more than the usual number of roots just to make this guy sweat. He just had to share how little he appreciated it with me.

  35. Antoinette Niebieszczanski

    They gave me Versed for a colonoscopy and I was wide awake for all of the festivities. It was like getting repeatedly bayoneted in the belly. I have this weird resistance to anesthesia. Here I was looking forward to good drugs, and the only part of the whole process that was even close to being fun was the music I made in the recovery room and the rest of the way home.

    Still and all, I’ll repeat the process whenever my doctor deems it necessary. My mom died of colorectal cancer, and anything’s better than that.

  36. yankee transplant

    Ouch. Glad it’s gone. Heal fast and well.

  37. Sara

    Very pretty, Twisty. Mazeltov.

  38. whyme63

    My problem with the amnesia-inducing drugs is that the main thing I forget is breathing. When I had my hand surgeries, they had to keep backing off the anesthetic and reminding me to inhale.

  39. Julie

    Because of my extreme phobia of venipuncture, I usually have to have quite a bit of Xanax before routine blood draws, or else my veins shut down. (Hell of a quirk for a woman who has peaceably tolerated two open abdominal surgeries, one laparoscopy, six years of allergy shots, a steroid injection into an injured ankle, a round of immunizations before a field trip to Central America, and Zarquon only knows how much dental work under local.)

    The last time I had to schedule a fasting cholesterol test, I had to do it at the end of the day, since I certainly couldn’t go to work under a snootful of Xanax. So, I ate an early breakfast, went to work, skipped lunch, and started to take the Xanax, one tab at a time, while walking to the medical lab across the street. Since I obviously wouldn’t be driving myself home, my husband met me as I weaved into the lab, where I had my blood test without incident and weaved back out. But, since I’d been fasting all day, I was absolutely ravenous, so I insisted on stopping at the hospital cafeteria before going home.

    My husband claims he lifted my head out of my tray several times, all the time being absolutely freaked out over the possibility of my choking. (Funny thing was, I could swallow just fine. I just couldn’t keep my head up.) I have to be similarly sedated for a very minor procedure later this week, and they just moved it up from 2 PM to an hour much closer to lunchtime. Hoo boy. I’d better eat first, I think ….

  40. Midgetqueen

    Glad to see you on the flipside, Twisty.

  41. Frumious B

    Oh MzNicky, I am so sorry to hear about your cat.

  42. mythago

    God, you mean you don’t go through the puking part afterward? I envy you.

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