«

»

Mar 30 2007

Blaming-lite, Texas edition

weathermap.jpg
As you can see, it’s headed right for me.

I know. I recently intimated that once I’d returned from my tarriance in North Texas I would resume posting substantive radical feminist/science fiction critiques of contemporary civilization. Inconveniently, it turns out that it’s thunderstorming today, so I can’t possibly embark on any endeavor more intellectually strenuous than putting fresh batteries into the remote, clapping my wrist to my forehead, and taking to my bed.

You know, ever since Dr. Uterus separated me from my ovaries, gloomy weather seems to reduce the pressure within my obstreperal lobe, which induces in me a kind of melancholic torpor. It’s not altogether unpleasant, but it does tend to cut into what some have described as the spinster aunt’s already minimal productivity. Not to mention the national Cool Whip supply.

Anyway, what this means for the blog is that today’s patriarchy-blaming will be, unlike the Kung Pao Shrimp I intend to have delivered for lunch, lite. We begin with a query from affable reader Jane Awake, who writes:

Hi Twisty, I was wondering, what is the dish pictured on your banner? Every time I look at it, I get hungry. My grandma gave me a cookbook called Cooking with Soup, and after reading it, I started using cream soups as sauces. I assume you have a more advanced recipe. Anyway, I am curious.

Thanks,
Jane

Cooking with soup! Naturally my initial reaction to this astonishing revelation was “well, if you’re going to go to all the trouble of making cream soup, why not just make the sauce instead?” Then I realized that, duh, Jane means canned soup! The mind reels.

Anyway, Jane, the dish in the photo is chicken-fried steak with milk gravy, canned green beans, margarine, and mashed potatoes, and it was a triumph. I did not cook this particular specimen, and cannot recommend doing so yourself, because it makes your whole house smell like the bastard son of What-A-Burger and the State Fair of Texas for two days. I got mine at the Hill Country Cupboard in Johnson City, TX. In a bold and iconoclastic break with tradition, they offer it with a “homemade Mexican sauce” option, which I have never tried because I flatter myself that I am not insane. They also have a “large” version, which I believe is half a cow, breaded, deep-fried, and dunked in library paste.

Those who wish to construe this as an endorsement of butchery, and/or who object to the use of the word “bastard” to describe the lingering aroma of chicken-fried steak, are free to blame me.

Speaking of Texas and vegetarianism (both of which I do endorse), homegirl Redneck Mother, who, as part of her indispensable hell-raising service, occasionally emails me articles from the local paper (which paper I, rightly or wrongly, refuse to read on grounds that they keep sending their minions over to litter my driveway with unsolicited free samples that I then have to expend valuable energy throwing away and complaining about), sends this howler on the subject of PETA’s “Sexiest Vegetarian Alive” beauty pageant. Apparently a local “tomato” who likes spinach is in the finals. (I warn you right now that the article contains sentences like this one:

“When you get right down to it, vegetarian chicks should be pretty cute, because they have less fat content.”

If the reader wishes to imagine that by posting this link I endorse sexism, fatphobia, PETA, or beauty pageants, I wish her the best. Blaming me is every citizen’s right.)

Finally, because blaming never really takes a holiday: NARAL reports, following a Georgia woman’s run-in with a godbag pharmacist over Plan B, that American mega-grocery chain Kroger Co. is the latest on the list of corporations who permit faith-based tramplings of a woman’s right to superintend her own fucking uterus.

But there’s good news, too. The Bush-appointed anti-contraception, anti-choice director of Health and Human Services’ Office of Population Affairs, Eric Keroack, has resigned in the wake of a mysterious, unnamed “action” taken against him by Medicaid in Massachusetts. You will recall that Keroack used to work for a “Christian pregnancy counseling” outfit, which, as I pointed out in a previous post bemoaning his appointment, is godbag code for “you’re so havin’ that baby, bitch!”

You know, I was going to shut up, but the subject of compulsory pregnancy reminds me of another notable moron. This one, like so many morons before him, is a Texas State Senator, who Textriotically proposes to compensate for the loss of American lives in Iraq with a slew of state-purchased Texan babies. His brilliant idea — which he has actually filed as legislation — is to bribe women who visit abortion clinics with $500 to gestate (and ultimately give up for adoption) fetuses they might otherwise terminate. Quoth Sen. Dan Patrick:

If this incentive would give pause and change the mind of 5 percent of those woman [sic], that’s 3,000 lives. That’s almost as many people as we’ve lost in Iraq.”

State Senator Patrick knows women, all righty. Just dangle a few C-notes under their nose and they’re yours.

27 comments

  1. erin

    Oh, for pity’s sake. Recognizing gross disrespect in a clip that doesn’t get mentioned and being unhappy about it is blaming you, yeah. Nice heckles.

  2. Twisty

    “Nice heckles.”

    You oughta see’em when it’s cold out!

  3. Roov

    I have no idea what this is about, but I would just like to note that the phrase ‘Nice heckles’ has induced in me a strange and wonderful poetic reverie.

    ‘Nice heckles.’ Is that like hackles, only they impell you to shout at people on soapboxes? I’m confused, yet somehow I love it.

    And whatever they are, I can only imagine that Twisty’s heckles are magnificent, and I for one will back an all-heckles-all-the-time platform, sight unseen.

  4. yankee transplant

    gawd, Twisty, for a post that came with a caveat about its lack of intellectual strenuous-ness, this thing is a beaut!
    “They also have a “large” version, which I believe is half a cow, breaded, deep-fried, and dunked in library paste.”
    I’m howling!
    Enjoy the delivered lunch and the afternoon spent prone.

  5. liz

    “That’s almost as many people as we’ve lost in Iraq.”

    Replacing deceased soldiers with fetuses? Now that’s innovative public policy. If Dan Patrick’s birthing-for-dollars plan works, the death toll in Iraq will be eradicated by July!

  6. Antelope

    My fantasy for the day is pretty humorless, but here it is:

    A woman goes in to a pharmacy to get her Plan B, perhaps with 2 or 3 friends for moral support. When the smirky young godbag suggests that he has the right to control her uterus, the woman and friends respond that if that’s so, then they have the right to control his face, and proceed to jump over the counter and rearrange it.

    Utterly childish, but there really isn’t any other approach this kind of slime respects.

  7. legallyblondeez

    Not that it excuses the godbags who refuse to fill the scrip, but Kroger’s has issued a statement saying it will make “accommodations” to ensure that Plan B is available at all their stores, I guess by calling in a different pharmacist or something. They also claim the original refusal was in violation of company policy. Here’s a like to the Forbes article with this info: http://tinyurl.com/2gktgh

    Then again, a policy doesn’t do any good if the local yokels won’t implement it: http://p201.news.mud.yahoo.com/s/ap/morning_after_pill

    PETA appears to stand for Pornographers for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Did you see Pam’s new explicit PETA video?

  8. legallyblondeez

    Betrayed by my subpar typing skills again–link, no like. I promise to proofread better next time.

  9. thebewilderness

    This is a similar argument to the one made by Zell Miller, that if we had not allowed abortion to become legal we would have plenty of cannon fodder for whatever invasions we happen to be contemplating.
    I almost appreciate the phonyass whiners backlash against PC(acting like a decent human being in hopes you become one). As a result of their efforts the brutal truth about womens place in the patriarchy is no longer dressed in camo.

  10. cycles

    Yes, but if we’re serious about reconstructing a country we helped blow up, we’re going to have to export some large numbers of American baby-making machines to repopulate the 600,000 to 1,200,000 Iraqis we strategically removed from the living. Maybe we can lure the women to Iraq with a shopping spree at a shoe store that just opened in a Baghdad mall, or some Victoria’s Secret gift certificates, or a pretty box from Godiva. Chicks would totally trade in a few years of their lives to become baby factories if it involves chocolate.

  11. nightgigjo

    His brilliant idea — which he has actually filed as legislation — is to bribe women who visit abortion clinics with $500 to gestate (and ultimately give up for adoption) fetuses they might otherwise terminate.

    Holy. Fuck.

    Skipping over the thought that women would give up nine months of their lives to be pregnant for less than a grad student makes in two weeks, ’cause it just makes me grrr incoherently…

    Women’s bodies are not state property, and they can’t be rented either.

    Grr, indeed.

  12. norbizness

    I hate to make the same comment on 100 weblogs, but somehow local clown Dan Patrick and his dumbfuck joke-legislation has hit the big time. To wit, if it’s any consolation, he’s such a tool that even his colleagues in the Texas Legislature (a clown car encased in Texas pink granite.) routinely deride him and his stupid ideas.

    I voted for the Austinite (female) and El Pasoan (male), though. Gotta represent!

  13. Bird

    I’ve been denied Plan B at a pharmacy. On a stat holiday following a long weekend camping trip, when the next pharmacy that I knew would be open was on the other side of town. When I was at that boundary time when if I didn’t get it that day, I would be outside the window of opportunity for emergency contraception.

    That pharmacist was damn lucky that his counter was too high for me to jump over so that I could kick him in his smirking, godbag face. No 2 or 3 friends needed.

    I ended up driving across town, humiliated and praying that the pharmacist at the other location wasn’t a religious fanatic too.

  14. Cass

    “Nancy Keenan, president of NARAL Pro-Choice America, called on the Bush administration to appoint as a successor a ‘medical professional who actually believes in birth control to lead the nation’s family planning program.’”

    A few years ago, a statement like this might have sounded ironic.

  15. FyrDrakken

    Actually, what offends me the most about this legislative proposal is how frickin’ cheap it is. I haven’t looked up the going rate for surrogate motherhood lately, but IIRC the going rate for womb rental is up in the tens of thousands of dollars, plus all related medical expenses.

  16. kcb

    Chicks would totally trade in a few years of their lives to become baby factories if it involves chocolate.

    Chocolate in Baghdad or five-hundred bucks in Texas? Having these options makes me feel so empowered!

    I take some consolation in Norbiz’ frequent assurances that the only thing Dan Patrick’s stupid bill will do is show Patrick’s dumb butt to a larger-than-usual audience.

  17. Sarah

    So, does that mean if I was pregnant in Texas and a bit short of grocery money, I could just go hang out at various Planned Parenthood clinics and get $500 from the State of Texas?

    Maybe we should encourage them to pass it, and then talk all our pregnant friends into draining the state budget dry.

    Seriously, though, what goes on in that man’s brain? Is it just the giant whooshing sound of a wind-tunnel or what?

  18. kcb

    Maybe we should encourage them to pass it, and then talk all our pregnant friends into draining the state budget dry.

    Ah, but the catch is, you’d have to give the baby up for adoption in order to collect your prize money. If you miscarried, had a stillbirth, or changed your mind at the last minute about terminating your parental rights, you’d get nada.

  19. lawbitch

    Here’s a laugh. Dan P****** of Houston is on the Dick List.

    http://www.thedicklist.com/ubb/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=4;t=000032

    I wonder who that could be??? **rolls eyes**

  20. lawbitch

    Oh, yea. I forgot to point out that Dan has a radio show. Not that I’ve ever listened to it. YUCK!

  21. Frigga's Own

    I think PETA might have changed that disgusting contest to remove the “fat content” quote, though I may just be unable to find it using the search function on my browser. Too bad, I was going to start asking fat vegetarians to write in with suggestions of where PETA could stick their contest.

  22. Theriomorph

    In a bold and iconoclastic break with tradition, they offer it with a “homemade Mexican sauce” option, which I have never tried because I flatter myself that I am not insane. They also have a “large” version, which I believe is half a cow, breaded, deep-fried, and dunked in library paste.

    Snarfed my water. Badly. Damn you.

    And now I can’t get images of breaded, deep-fried godbags slathered in paste out of my head.

    Rock on, Twisty.

  23. femhist

    Dude, PETA makes me want to eat meat just to rub in in their faces, and I’ve been vegetarian for almost 5 years now. Someone needs to clue them in to the fact that their aggressive, exploitative, confrontational tactics are NOT WORKING, and if they care more about actually saving animals from pain than they do about feeling smug and self-righteous, they should work on a new strategy.

  24. Antoinette Niebieszczanski

    Jeez, you gotta bunch of bungwipes for senators, eh? I’d pay Dan Patrick $500 to take a crap on a landmine.

    The smell of the bastard son of What-a-Burger and the Texas State Fair made me laugh loud & hard enough to cause passers-by to ask what’s so funny. On Monday morning, no less.

    I saw a horrible, upsetting news item about a rattlesnake roundup that made me want to heave. Just because they’re not furry and cute doesn’t turn this into anything *but* cruelty. Humans can be putrid.

  25. BubbasNightmare

    Per Norbiz’ comments about the Clown Car known as the Texas legislature:

    Ms. Ivins (rest her soul!) used to bring that fact to national attention periodically, with grimly humorous results.

    Please remember that Texas has no lock on insanely absurd state legislatures. Louisiana (right next door, naturally) compounds the inane antics of its legislators with just a piquant whiff, just a soupcon, of Catholicism for laughs.

    Not to mention the Long family.

  26. Bird

    PETA lost all of my respect when they launched a campaign comparing slaughtered pigs to the murdered Eastside Vancouver women found on Robert Pickton’s pig farm.

    I don’t care how much you value animal rights, comparing pork chops to a serial killer’s victims is not okay.

  27. Twisty

    “I don’t care how much you value animal rights, comparing pork chops to a serial killer’s victims is not okay.”

    The pigs might argue with that.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>