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May 10 2007

Hating is fun-damental

I just found out that homosexuality is “an unnatural form of prostitution.” A pointy-headed Latvian Roman Catholic poobah, his synapses electrified with secret shibboleths whispered into his crusty ear by the ghost of a dead Jew from the Roman Empire, declined to enlighten the masses as to just what sort of prostitution he does consider ‘natural’, but he has demanded that the superstitious godbag citizens of Riga take to the streets to fend off the godless “sexually crazy people” who will be throwing their Pride parade on June 3.

Did Cardinal Pujats and the dead Jew ghost cook up this hate-engorged scheme on their own? Nope! They enlisted the gay-bashing expertise of American fundamentalist nutjob Ken Hutcherson, owner of a Seattle ‘super-church’, who hates everyone whose penis he cannot directly control (those without penises are, it goes without saying, beneath his notice, by definition).

Here Ken “Dr. Blackman” Hutcherson rolls misogyny and homophobia into a neat little turd:

What is this world coming to when a church says that a women [sic] minister has not violated God’s law by being a homosexual?

Hutcherson and the head Latvian godbag believe that last year’s fundamentalist disruption of the Pride parade didn’t go far enough. In 2006, 50 gay activists holed up in a church while neo-Nazis and other men of God, numbering in the mere hundreds, “pelted [them] with excrement,” and the cops, those selfless public servants, stood around paralyzed with smugness. This year, the craven Catholic barbarian calls for “40,000 or 50,000″ gay-bashers to storm the parade. Emulating His Holiness the Pope, Cardinal Pujats has already begun shitting in the woods, spearheading the excrement-collection efforts needed to arm his Christian soldiers.

[via RichardDawkins.net]

20 comments

  1. ew_nc

    “What is this world coming to when a church says that a women [sic] minister has not violated God’s law by being a homosexual?”

    Hmmm, I don’t know; maybe a step towards enlightenment?

  2. Antoinette Niebieszczanski

    How on earth do they come up with this nonsense? I was raised a hard-core old-school Catholic and I remember nothing in the Gospels about pelting Pride parades with poop. Even with liberal interpretation.

    The part about Cardinal Pujats doing his bidness in the woods made me spew partially-masticated Reese’s Pieces all over the desk.

    Ah, Twisty, the images your words conjure are truly magical.

  3. Twisty

    “love, Love, LOVE “dead Jew ghost”!”

    I cannot take the credit. ‘The ghost of a dead Jew from the Roman Empire’ is a phrase I stole from blogger Ken Layne.

  4. Joanna

    Twisty, you are on fire today!

  5. Catherine Martell

    men of God, numbering in the mere hundreds, “pelted [them] with excrement,”

    It’s almost like they’re evolved from monkeys or something.

  6. norbizness

    I thought that Scooby and the Gang revealed that the Dead Jew Ghost was in fact Old Man Johnson, who was trying to secure title to the copper mine. And that is why everyone should join up with the Universal Church of the Mystery Machine Ascendant.

  7. CannibalFemme

    Norbizness, you rock my creepy and irreverent little world.

    As for the rest of it: I myself am inordinately fond of Tom Robbins’ idea of authority management, in which he advocates laughing and flinging poop at People In Power in order to enlighten them. I think it’s evident that both Hutcherson and the Cardinal could definitely benefit from this form of therapy.

  8. lawbitch

    My dear Twisty, I bow down in awe of your blaming! All of your posts are truly inspired, but you have simply outdone your self this time!

    Thanks for the laugh Catherine Martel and norbizness. If only we could harness all of the snarky intelligence that gathers here and fling it at these godbags. That’s too good for them, though, let’s use shit.

  9. Twisty

    Catherine,

    Ha!

    Norbiz,

    Ha!

  10. Twisty

    “Twisty, you are on fire today! ”

    God, I know it. I can’t stop. This new cancer drug I’m on must be made of some kind of bastard child of cocaine, nicotine, and Cool Whip.

  11. lawbitch

    Mmm… Cool Whip.

    *heads off to fridge*

  12. MedeaOnCrack

    Look for an observational study on this off-label use of Twisty’s new drug.

    Ummm! Whipped stuff. Fettucine Alfreda

    *heads off to stove*.

  13. LMYC

    OMFG, it’s literal poo-flinging. I’ve always called that sort of territorial dick-waving nonsense poo-flinging after reading a Nina Paley cartoon that highlighted it, but JESUS CHRIST ON A FUCKING MOPED THEY ARE REALLY FLINGING POO.

  14. stekatz

    norbiz, now that was the funniest damn thing I’ve heard all day.

    You would think that with the fact that Riga is largely overrun with Russian mafia, city leadership might have a few bigger fish to fry than some gays having a parade (if it really is about morality).

    Perhaps all the human trafficking that the mafia engages in represents the “natural” prostitution with which the good Cardinal was making a comparison.

  15. shitflinger

    As a shitflinger myself (how prescient of me, that one day, my assumed alias would be a subject of one of your posts), I must question where these dudes got their shit. Did they come prepared, turtlehead poking out, ready to assault the paraders? Or was it an act of God, a simul-self-shitting miracle allowed by His Holiness as a means of taking down those unclean homosexuals?

  16. Errihu

    The irony of people who are almost assuredly anti-evolution flinging poo like the ‘base primates’ they insist they can’t be descended from is nothing short of riotous. It’s actually amusing in a sick way that despite men’s insistence that they are civilized and no longer animals, they still revert to chest beating and poo flinging whenever the opportunity is given.

  17. Shira

    “Holy shit, it’s holy shit!” quoth the commentariat.

  18. Cunning Allusionment?

    “… leave sexual perversion outside the law.”
    I might be reverting to my dudic pedantism on this, but wouldn’t leaving “sexual perversions” outside the law mean that there wouldn’t be laws dealing with it at all? Semantic dumbfuckery notwithstanding, I’m struck that the Cardinal is actually advocating 40,000 homophobic monkeys to form up against 1,000 homo (sapiens), because 40:1 doesn’t just scream “massacre.”

    “Janis Birks said he was ashamed at events last year and called for tolerance and understanding on all sides.” When 8 year olds throw shit at people they don’t like, they’re sent to therapy and special ed programs. When adults gather en masse to throw shit at people they don’t like the mayor calls for tolerance and understanding? “‘The problem is not in the march but sexual orientation,’ said Mr Birks.” I thought the problem was queer-hating turd-tossers and the religious institution that supports that behavior, but I guess I’m nitpicking.

    “… go out into the streets, not to create disorder, but to offer a disciplined position…” Ah yes, because 40,000 enraged godbags tend towards disciplined order….

    RE: Cathrine: Have you ever seen these bumper stickers:
    http://tinyurl.com/32abzg
    I really want to get a bigger fish that reads “irony” and have it eating both of them.

  19. Moira

    shitflinger, obviously these people have finally discovered the Brown Note.

  20. Cathy

    Oh, so THIS must be the religious freedom which the poor persecuted Christian leaders are so worried about losing, so the hate crime bill shall be vetoed.

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