“One reason is that the idea of having an escape plan completely ignores the fact that the reason women have to have an escape plan is because the law fails so miserably to protect abused women.”

There was a TV programme on here in the UK a while back which interviewed to women whose male partners attacked them and the only thing that made a difference to them finally was running away. The police and courts did nothing to protect them even though these men were committing terrible acts of violence on them. It was chilling.

Thank you for telling your story, and for analyzing it so clearly and eloquently.

The escape plan also puts all the pressure on victims to completely change their lives. (Reminds me, however superficially, of the advice given to women to avoid rape: Don’t dress provacatively. Don’t walk alone. Etc. Only now, it’s: To avoid further abuse, change your address. change your routine, etc. And if I don’t do these things, do I then “deserve” the abuse?) There is no talk about changing the system or of effectively punishing the criminal. Again, it’s women who must change their existence.

Another thing the “escape plan” suggests to women, I think, is that the abuse has to reach a certain level before they change the situation, before they take such drastic action as escape. By that I mean that if it’s only emotional or verbal abuse or if he only hits you once, well, is that enough to have to, say, leave your job, friends, and family and go into hiding? Most abused women would say no, it’s not enough to only be hit once. Or twice. Or three times.

In my case, I chose to stand and fight. He won and I lost, and he realized that he could win against the legal system and abuse with impunity. Eventually he moved on from stalking and threatening me and he’s found other women who won’t fight him as readily.

The system didn’t just fail me personally, it also failed all the women who have and will become involved with this man.

IBTP.

Oh yes. I so Blame the Motherfucking Patriarchy.

The first time he broke the restraining order, I called the police. They did nothing. They wouldn’t even get out of their car. I called internal affairs to report the behavior of the cops and was warned (by internal affairs) that reporting the police would make the police less likely to help me if I did need help. My abuser, realizing that the police were going to do nothing, stepped up his stalking behavior and threats to me.

Later when we went to court, the charges against my abuser were dropped because the police didn’t bother to show up to the trial. The judge’s hands were tied by the law. My abuser went against the police, two different judges in two different courts, and walked. He won.

So, no. I don’t think that facing a court deters these guys.

I’m still stuck in bed with a virus today. This thread is so eclectic that I can’t articulate a comment that covers the discussion here. Then again, maybe it’s virus-induced delerium.