Also, Itxaro, I totally agree. Stated differently, no partner should have to be playing defense in bed.

Seth: Amberbug’s point wasn’t that communication shouldn’t happen in sex. Amberbug’s point was that “no” is the default answer until consent is given. Failure to say “no” does not mean that someone likes what is being done and/or is okay with it.

Good sex involves two people who are paying attention to each others’ body language, how much pleasure they seem to be getting, AS WELL AS what they are saying. It’s really not that hard to figure out when your partner orgasms, whether or not they tell you. It’s really not that hard to take a good look at someone and tell if they’re just seizing up and withdrawing into themselves and hoping it’ll be over, or if they’re actively participating and enjoying it. And if you, in bed, no matter what gender you are, initiate something, you’d better be damn sure you’re checking in with your partner.

Now that I have said that I am off to be sick sorry.

This piece I have to say uh-uh. In no way does a woman “not saying” what she “does not like” contribute to her own ordeal of another human making her suffer it. Should I as a women care so much about a partner feeling guilty for putting something inside me I may not want up there, but gee I forgot I “have to say NO”? If I don’t, Up/in/on it goes, so ouch (because remember, by this scenerio it is painful or unwanted), plus I carry responsibility for damaging the relationship?
I never will see it being some powerful and equal act of damage to a relationship to be mute when you don’t want something. It helped me stay alive to not protest. It is not for said sexual partner to tell me some insane rule they have that if i don’t say no, defend myself against them causing sexual pain to me, I ruin the relationship. Muteness is a survival techinique, a PTSD reaction- why blame a woman in there, too? I feel an insistance here that women who don’t protest their sexual pain in relationships are causing it “as much as”? At all? I hate the guilt it tries to bring. I should have spoken up and not let it happen. Like I have the responsibility to deflate the patriarcy’s assumptions, and people seeking sex with me are going to shove that clever relationship rule on me so they can have the wonderful guiltfree experience of “the sex”. This is a lot on women to say no, otherwise it’s a yes, according to- everyone. This should ring a bell.

“And a woman who will not say what she does not like may leave her partner feeling perpetually guilty about asking for sex immediately putting that partner in a state of inadequate self-loathing.”

This isn’t “what about the menz”, but it sure is “what about the partner of a woman who doesn’t want to feel guilty (held accountable) for something they suspect may be unwanted, but does anyway”. For said partner’s self loathing IBTP- or/and the partner. But not the silent (shame on her for “causing a guilt reaction by not speaking up) object of said unwanted sex. This is like S&M meets marriage counselling for battered women. I also just don’t think a woman should be made responsible for anyone’s sense of inadequacy in bed. That’s fragile ego speak.
Maybe this wasn’t meant to echo the creepy line of boyfriends who blamed me because I didn’t “speak up”, in time,(?) in the appropriate narrow ways they defined it, but it did.

“A woman who doesn’t reach orgasm but will neither communicate what is going on or be honest about it can cause her partner extreme humiliation and a sense of failure.”
This is what I call “oh poor me, I hurt my partner” privilege. How does one get caused humiliation or a sense of failure assuming the delusion is ongoing that she enjoys “it”? If you find out she didn’t, stop trying to do stuff you want to her unless and until there is clarity, and don’t blame any person who doesn’t like what you do to their body. Non communication is not consent, or blameworthy.
This wasn’t the main point of the above post, and isn’t addressed to anyone in particular, but I needed to say something.