Now that I have said that I am off to be sick sorry.

This piece I have to say uh-uh. In no way does a woman “not saying” what she “does not like” contribute to her own ordeal of another human making her suffer it. Should I as a women care so much about a partner feeling guilty for putting something inside me I may not want up there, but gee I forgot I “have to say NO”? If I don’t, Up/in/on it goes, so ouch (because remember, by this scenerio it is painful or unwanted), plus I carry responsibility for damaging the relationship?
I never will see it being some powerful and equal act of damage to a relationship to be mute when you don’t want something. It helped me stay alive to not protest. It is not for said sexual partner to tell me some insane rule they have that if i don’t say no, defend myself against them causing sexual pain to me, I ruin the relationship. Muteness is a survival techinique, a PTSD reaction- why blame a woman in there, too? I feel an insistance here that women who don’t protest their sexual pain in relationships are causing it “as much as”? At all? I hate the guilt it tries to bring. I should have spoken up and not let it happen. Like I have the responsibility to deflate the patriarcy’s assumptions, and people seeking sex with me are going to shove that clever relationship rule on me so they can have the wonderful guiltfree experience of “the sex”. This is a lot on women to say no, otherwise it’s a yes, according to- everyone. This should ring a bell.

“And a woman who will not say what she does not like may leave her partner feeling perpetually guilty about asking for sex immediately putting that partner in a state of inadequate self-loathing.”

This isn’t “what about the menz”, but it sure is “what about the partner of a woman who doesn’t want to feel guilty (held accountable) for something they suspect may be unwanted, but does anyway”. For said partner’s self loathing IBTP- or/and the partner. But not the silent (shame on her for “causing a guilt reaction by not speaking up) object of said unwanted sex. This is like S&M meets marriage counselling for battered women. I also just don’t think a woman should be made responsible for anyone’s sense of inadequacy in bed. That’s fragile ego speak.
Maybe this wasn’t meant to echo the creepy line of boyfriends who blamed me because I didn’t “speak up”, in time,(?) in the appropriate narrow ways they defined it, but it did.

“A woman who doesn’t reach orgasm but will neither communicate what is going on or be honest about it can cause her partner extreme humiliation and a sense of failure.”
This is what I call “oh poor me, I hurt my partner” privilege. How does one get caused humiliation or a sense of failure assuming the delusion is ongoing that she enjoys “it”? If you find out she didn’t, stop trying to do stuff you want to her unless and until there is clarity, and don’t blame any person who doesn’t like what you do to their body. Non communication is not consent, or blameworthy.
This wasn’t the main point of the above post, and isn’t addressed to anyone in particular, but I needed to say something.

Now I’m not saying that men don’t see anal sex (or any sex) in a really different light but I think the issue of humiliation and pain is much more to do with repression and embarrassment/poor education about good sexual practice (being caring about your partner, communication and, for gods sake, lube) than this specific sex act per se.

After all any sex can be humiliating, unpleasant or one sided in some contexts but liberating, pleasurable and mutual in others. A woman who doesn’t reach orgasm but will neither communicate what is going on or be honest about it can cause her partner extreme humiliation and a sense of failure. And a woman who will not say what she does not like may leave her partner feeling perpetually guilty about asking for sex immediately putting that partner in a state of inadequate self-loathing. Sometimes silent submissiveness can be just as contributory to an unequal and unhappy sex life as boarish dominance or fetishistic insistence on specific sex acts.

Men describe orgasm as nearest in sensation to peeing and I think that can really put a lot of their feverish sexual behavior into a new light. Clearly they will enjoy anal sex but to prove they are not a pig they better be warming up their ladies first and making sure they attend to clits and cerebral titillation before they go near the ass. Pain is not a word that should be occurring in an good anal encounter. Ever. I am appalled how often it’s used as a shortcut to jokes in tv and movies as it presupposes that all anal sex is non consensual, does not involve lube and is utterly unpleasant to receive but good to give. I think that’s a pretty homophobic attitude but also wonder if any woman asked for anal sex with a man shouldn’t make sure he is also up for anal play and ensure that there is equity of activity. Only a very stupid man would say no as their own prostate gland is well stimulated from behind and the nerve endings in their asshole far more sensitive than their penis. Once they realize the need for lube, care and respect I’m sure they will be adequately trained for giving good anal without the macho bullshit.

Anyway, my main point is: anal sex can be absolutely awesome. Use lots of lube, communication and for goodness sake don’t trade off taboos when drunk as sexual satisfaction does not that way lie.

“I and my (female) partner went into a sex shop we’d never visited before in order to buy some lube, and we asked the assistant for advice about buying some which was good for anal use. He was practically falling over himself with delight. He said that women come into the shop ALL THE TIME asking for anal lube with numbing agents because their boyfriends/husbands keep asking them for anal and they think they’re required to “let” them; I was profoundly shocked by this, although not really surprised. The assistant kept telling us how delighted he was to sell anal lube to people who actually wanted to enjoy anal.”

Linky link link:

http://feministing.com/archives/007339.html

The fact that the misogynistic outlook is out there and frequented “anonymously” by millions of guys means that those same guys are out there either pretending to be nice guys some of the time, or enacting this misogynistic thinking upon hapless women who don’t deserve it. Statistics confirm this, and many a story from any woman you ask will inevitably bring up some hideous underbelly of what seemed to be a nice guy for the most part. Individual circumstances are different in many cases, I am sure, and exceptions exist. However, I would probably more inclined to take your glass-half-full attitude towards men if misogyny WEREN’T the norm in the media “fantasy” world of males, be it porn, Details, locker-room talk, or what gets yelled at me when I walk past a bunch of drunks at the bar. If I got regular confirmation, when I opened up a men’s magazine or overheard guys’ honest chats about sex, that respect for women was the mainstay in their thoughts, fantasies, and hopes for a sex life, then I probably wouldn’t have much to worry about. As it stands, abuse, disrespect and degradation seem to be the norm, and it’s coming from SOMEWHERE. My suspicions fall on “men’s sense of entitlement.” One gets more confirmation that men hate women at some time and on some level, pretty much anywhere one goes, than otherwise. It’s affecting the rest of culture, too, because the real young women out there are listening to the media spin and thinking that these things should be the norm. They ARE spending their dough to have all the hair ripped out of the chacha and learning the techniques on how to take it up the arse, instead of saying to the guys, “You first, buddy.” Frankly, it’s a problem. I hail Twisty for the post.