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Aug 02 2007

I heart my iPhone

iheartmyiphone.jpg

Me, the only old bat down at Spinster Aunt HQ without an iPhone? As if.

It arrived two days ago. The Fed-Ex dude rang my doorbell about 30 times.

“I’m sure glad you were home,” he said. You’ve never seen a Fed-Ex dude exude such emotion. You’d have thought he was delivering a baby or the Sermon on the Mount* or something. “This,” his voice trembled a little, “is your iPhone!”

“Thanks,” I said. “I probably would have hurled myself off the Lamar bridge if I’d missed this momentous occasion.”

He did that thing where he pretended he wasn’t going to give it to me. Ha ha.

Later on, at the dentist, I whipped out my iPhone so I could listen to music while they drilled my molar into smithereens.

“My god!” said the dental assistant. “Is that what I think it is?”

“Glughth,” I nodded.

“Turn it sideways!” she demanded.** As a child I’d learned not to argue with women who have cold steel implements poised scant nanometers from my exposed dental nerves. I turned it sideways.

“Hey Dr Jones!” she hollered. “Get in here and look at this!”

The fleet-footed Dr Jones came a-running. His eyes got as big as a couple of Hostess cupcakes. “Hey! Is that what I think it is?”

“It’s an iPhone!” cried the dental assistant, triumphant. “Bite down.”

dentist.jpg

The room began to fill up with i-curious dentists, hygienists and other tooth-related personnel, and my mouth began to fill up with spit. Eventually the head dentist, who, like all head dentists, is a man with white hair who could play himself on TV, materialized in the doorway.

“I heard there was an iPhone in here!” yelled this entity. The crowd parted like the Red Sea to let the great man through. I was obliged to give a demonstration on every aspect of iPhone ownership. I showed him how it becomes a camera, how it becomes an iPod, how it becomes a PDA, how it becomes a stopwatch, how it becomes a video player, a photo album, a web browser, and a 70′s-era Braun calculator, but regretted that I was unable to supply detailed information relating to calling plans and rollover minutes.

“It makes my old Blackberry seem like a clod of dirt, or possibly a Motorola DynaTAC” I said, but you and I both know that what came out was “Egh leh ley uh ah uh ee eye Otorola blah.”

Already I cannot remember what life was like without either the iPhone or my weird new plastic tooth.
________________________
* A good thing he wasn’t delivering the Sermon on the Mount; that thing gives me the creeps. It’s not just the monologue where the dude Jesus invents about 6,789 future clichés (“blessed are the salt of the meek in sheep’s clothing who neither reap motes nor sow lilies,” etc ); he also gets all — what’s the word? Christiany? — with shit like “Whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery; and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.” What a fucking shudderfest.

**When you turn an iPhone sideways, the photo or the website or whatever you’re looking at switches to widescreen. It’s magic!.

115 comments

  1. smmo

    I had a similar experience at the dentist’s once, but that was due to enlarged tonsils. Which proves what we already knew, that Twisty is much cooler than I’ll ever be. I’m jealous and not afraid to admit it. Does it blame the patriarchy?

  2. Vera

    Alright then. I’m gong to activate mine tonight. I’ve been carrying it around unopened, admiring the packaging.

  3. Carol

    Wow. I don’t ever recall seeing such a transcendent look on your face (well, in your blog photos). Not even for a really kick-ass taco.

  4. Orange

    I had the same reaction as Carol. Cancer, schmancer. Patriarchy, schmatriarchy. An iPhone makes all right with the world.

    Wow, I could learn a lot about the bible from you, Twisty. Most of what I know comes from a single collegiate viewing of Jesus Christ Superstar (not to be confused with Molly Shannon’s Superstar), and obviously that is insufficient. Can I get the TwistyNotes summation?

  5. ew_nc

    I blame the patriarchy for dentists. There is just something so BDSM-ish about the whole profession.
    The iPhone is way cool, though.

  6. Twisty

    Orange, I learned it all from watching Godspell the other night on TCM. Jesus has a white-dude ‘fro and a Superman shirt, and everybody else is a playful innocent flower-child whose primary mode of locomotion is skipping in circles. Horrifying, yet I couldn’t look away. Or, as Jesus would say (and about 80 billion people after him), I couldn’t turn the other cheek.

  7. Hecate Demetersdatter

    Aw, gee. I am so jelaous. I am not buying another phone until my old one dies. But I am completely jealous.

  8. kate

    If things don’t get better for me here, I’ll get one of those about 10 years from now at a yard sale.

  9. Beth

    Fake lens flares are a tool of the patriarchy.

  10. stekatz

    LUCKY!!!!

    Preee-pare ye the way of the iPhone!

    or

    Day by day/Oh, dear Lord/three things I prayed/to get my new iPhone…

    or
    Ste-eve Jobs/Superstar/Do you think you’re who they say you are?

    I think I need to go make dinner now.

  11. Cooper

    You know, the constant need to blame had been getting me down lately. (Well, that and the chronic depression, and the daily three-bus commute.) I was starting to wonder if resisting the patriarchy was going to leave me any time in which to enjoy the lighter side of life, or if I was just going to spend the rest of the days of my life in shouting matches with my few loved ones just to maintain what little psychological separation I’ve created between me and my own internalized misogyny. A goofy photo of a radical feminist having genuine fun was just what I needed. Viva la iPhone!

  12. Catherine D.

    Wow! I’m not a cell phone person, despite being a computer geek, Mac dork and early adopter of technology, but that’s a really fun response to a toy.

  13. MzNicky

    I was forced to go to Sunday School AND church AND youth fellowship every week for the first 14 years of my life, and all I know is Blessed are the cheesemakers.

  14. Pinko Punko

    Haha. Nice. I get e-mails from my palzo from her iPhone. She says she uses it furtively in public to lower the mugging index.

    I know the TF haters are just gonna go crazypants over this post, but you let me know if they start talking about “rich people bugs” or “elitist fungal probes” and I will activate my ninja response squad.

  15. LLC

    Good story, great photo.

  16. Twisty

    If my detractors can’t come up with a better reason to hate me than the fact that I blogged about a stupid gadget, I need better detractors.

  17. thebewilderness

    Weeeel, I didn’t really want to mention it, but now that you bring it up. Your detractors really are a sad lot of coconuts.

  18. Agnieszka

    Dear Twisty,

    I wanted to send you an email but I’m afraid I was quite stumped trying to find your email address on the blog. So while my comment doesn’t have much to do with iphones or dentists, I hope you’ll forgive me this once.

    Your blog is changing my life. I grew up as a feminist but some time in college I learned to shut up about to get dates. I always considered myself a feminist, but I kept quiet about it except when I wasted years of my life trying to defend the cause of all womankind to misogynist dudes. I tried to be a nice, reasonable feminist, not one of those crazy mean radicals.

    But reading your blog has radicalized my feminism and inspired me to be vocal and inspired me to apply a radical feminist eye to the world all around me. I’m educating myself; I’m reading; I’m writing. Seeing the patriarchy for what it is is uncomfortable and painful, but it sure as hell beats internalizing the hate.

    Thank you.

  19. Charles

    I read this post on my iPhone.

  20. PhysioProf

    “But reading your blog has radicalized my feminism and inspired me to be vocal and inspired me to apply a radical feminist eye to the world all around me.”

    Join the club!

  21. Olive

    When I got a crown put on my most unfortunate molar, it was like a tiny miracle in my mouth. I didn’t even get a root canal, but my toothaches decreased from once a week to twice a year.

    Fake enamel. Awesome. But more or less awesome than the iPhone? Can’t say for sure.

  22. Patti

    There’s little god-rays coming off the corner of that thing. I wouldn’t trust it.

  23. norbizness

    MAN #2: You hear that? Blessed are the Greek.

    GREGORY: The Greek?

    MAN #2: Mmm. Well, apparently, he’s going to inherit the earth.

    GREGORY: Did anyone catch his name?

    MRS. BIG NOSE: (later) Oh, it’s the meek! Blessed are the meek! Oh, that’s nice, isn’t it? I’m glad they’re getting something, ’cause they’ve had a hell of a time.
    ——————
    I’m holding out for the jPhone. Because that’s how they getcha.

  24. Pinko Punko

    Root canals are the best, kids. No more nerve, no more pain!

  25. Ron Sullivan

    Twisty endorsement:

    “iPhone! It’s more fun than a barrel of dentists! Tastes better than a root canal! Leaps tall detractors in a single post!”

    [brag] I don’t have an iPhone or an iPod, though I do have an iMac. I also have a dentist who’s a genius at pain control. The one root canal I ever had, I actually enjoyed. [/brag]

    [unbrag] and it’s a good thing, because some combination of the damned braces and whoknowsthehellwhat has apparently cracked that canaled molar across its root, and I get to take amoxicillin and wait till next Wednesday to see What Is To Be Done. [/yeahyeah]

    Pinko Punko, you’re only almost right.

  26. endora

    The older you get, the more comely you get. Must be the Cool Whip.

  27. Gertrude Strine

    What a sweet nativity story parody, with an image reminiscent of a Giotto or a Duccio Madonna and Christ Child.

    http://www.haberarts.com/duccio.jpg
    http://www.postercheckout.com/PrintImages/SHD/jpgs/S125.jpg

    The transformation of the postie’s gift into the adored itself is good stuff. Ha ha!
    We’re already calling it the BrIanPhone here today.

    The Beatitudes are some of my favourite King James English – and I haven’t a theist bone in my body.

  28. EN

    Behold, the power of Twisty. I rolled my eyes through all the pre-release hype. I smirked at the fools who waited in line overnight. I laughed disdainfully at those who would spend that much money on a phone.
    Then I read this post, and now I find myself thinking, “Hmmm, that does sound kinda cool.”

  29. tinfoil hattie

    EN, I’m laughing at your post, because I did the exact same thing.

    Of course, I have an old-fashioned flip phone that doesn’t take photos, and I still use a big ol’ notebook-style planner (poor close-up vision).

    I do, however, have TWO kinds of high speed internet (software-developer-Nigel).

    Still, hopelessly outdated, I fear.

  30. wren

    It’s the hearts that make it art.

  31. Spinning Liz

    I frequently have a similar experience at the gynecologist because 25 years ago I gave birth to a UPS truck which apparently left me with such a fascinatingly enlarged uterus that the entire world has to crowd into the tiny exam room to ooh and ahh and bear witness to this magnificent Eighth Wonder.

    Don’t miss The Sermon on the Mount told with Legos.

  32. julia

    twisty,

    thanks for posting agnieszka’s comments. right on agnieszka! so exciting to read – never shut up or give up! it’s true, your email is hard to find. intentional, i suppose?

    and the photo of you cooing over your iphone — not unlike many paintings i have seen of white bread mary’s looking at the baby jesus, if i may say — is great … and the commentary! got me laughing out loud at work, ’cause that’s where i read your blog. goddess knows what the IT security MEN at work think of me!

    so while you continue to battle the patriarchy with your latest tool, i will once again consider getting dial up at home. yes, i’ll be the one bringing up the rear flanks of the technology-driven twistolution army!!

  33. kit

    A new hobby you can develop and practice while in the waiting room of a doctors office is browsing their unsecured wireless network. They rarely change(or set) the passcodes.

    Imagine the joy if you could show the white-haired entity that you were exploiting his resource. Fun times.

  34. Reverend B. Dagger Lee

    I read this post in my iMind.

  35. Debby

    If the 70s Superman Jesus of Godspell isn’t dudely enough for you… I encourage you to revisit the classic 1973 film adaptation of Jesus Christ Superstar. Numerous scenes available on YouTube, all of which feature dudes running around in a desert somewhere (or a borrowed Star Trek set) delivering cliches galore in a definite love to hate it sublimely pleasurable manner.

  36. Joanna

    “Jesus Christ! Superstar! Who it the hell do you think you are”
    All day this will be in my head now, all day! I blame, I blame.

  37. TP

    I’ve noticed that since I started reading this blog on my iPhone, that I comment much less! Now that’s something to love the iPhone for!

    A few less useless comments is a good thing.

  38. schatze

    I friend got an iPhone to be the first kid on his block. Never got it to hold a charge and is currently fighting the restocking fee. Not a happy customer.

  39. Dawn Coyote

    Although I’m interested in perhaps acquiring an iPhone, and was in fact doing a little research on that very same gadget just last night (which leads me to speculate that you and I, Twisty, are cosmically connected – woo!), I’m not going to use this comment to make a comment on the iPhone. I’m going to use it to make a comment on the preceeding post. I could not comment on the preceeding post because it is simply too painful and nauseating to look with clear eyes upon what started happening to me in elementary school and never really stopped, and how I colluded in it, and felt special.

    Yeah – I was THAT girl.

    Agnieszka said:
    “Seeing the patriarchy for what it is is uncomfortable and painful, but it sure as hell beats internalizing the hate.”

    Hear, hear.

  40. Zora

    EN & Hattie, Me too! Me too!
    I’m not a technophobe, I just don’t care. I’m on the computer all day at work. I don’t need to tote one around with me.

    Agnieszka, yep. I was raise to be a feminist and was shocked to find my freshmen year in college that it was a “dirty” word to my roommates. WTF? Now I see that my feminist notions had hardly begun.

  41. Citizen Insane

    I heart Twisty. You are such a cutie pie and you made me forget how much I hate hearing about I-phones. How the hell do you do that?

  42. herdottiness

    This is why I love this blog, and Twisty. The facts AND the fun. I heart you Twisty, but mine isn’t tiedyed!!

  43. Antoinette Niebieszczanski

    Such a (dare I say it?) beatific expression.

    And hell yeah I’m jealous. But I’m even more jealous of your writing dexterity.

    P.S. to Ron Sullivan: My dentist is also a genius at pain control.He’s even more of a genius at anxiety control. All you have to do is shake hands with the guy to get a shot of nitrous. Thanks to him I no longer approach cleanings with dread.

  44. pisaquari

    Yes yes but does it photograph bugs and food?

  45. lawbitch

    This is why Twisty’s a hundrend times cooler than I’ll ever be. Hope that your tooth is better!

  46. Adrienne

    I did the exact same thing as well EN! I so want one now. Although, I’m not sure I could afford it AND a house in the same year. I think I may have to forgo the iEnjoyment until next year after I have a comfy home to plug it into.

  47. larkspur

    Oh, noes. No iPhone. No anyphone but a landline phone. Kate, in about 15 years when you are done with your yard-sale phone, send me a smoke-signal and I’ll trade you something for it.

    I love my dentist. She is young and beautiful, and last time I was in, I was whining about how I take such good care of my teeth, and they are basically healthy, but that all the years of neglect plus my age makes ‘em not white and big and shiny (which is the new normal), and I can’t afford strictly cosmetic stuff, and I whimpered because my dentist’s teeth are SO BEAUTIFUL, and I figured she was born with ‘em (not literally) and she responded that she had most of her work done while she was in dental school. So I stopped whining. For nearly 20 minutes!

    Twisty, that photo is so adorable. You look like Huckleberry Finn’s brilliant sister.

  48. kate

    I will persist in believing that having that phone named after a fruit will enable me to pick up leads all day and read email from customers while on the jobsite; that it is indeed a worthy investment to look forward to.

    I will persist in believing that I don’t need an Iphone, that I’m really high tech, really and up to date.

    I will insert my fingers in my ears and chant, “lalalala” everytime I hear the word “iphone”.

  49. Bird

    My little blue Motorola flip is looking sadder and sadder by the day. Poor little thing, it just isn’t one of the cool kids anymore. I mean, the thing doesn’t even have a camera. But as a starving editor, I will have to stay sadly behind the times for now.

    Or I could just get a second job.

  50. Ms Kate

    My little samsung flip phone was just fine until a couple of weeks ago, when my husband brought home an iPod.

    It was a bonus item with the laptop he purchased under his “educational program” card. He got it for $50. (the laptop was for this company he was doing some freelancing for, so we didn’t buy that)

    Now that my samsung exited my pocket, likely committing suicide by diving into Boston Harbor from the inner harbor ferry, iWant iWant iWant.

  51. Flash

    OK, so now I’m jealous. My phone doesn’t do anything except ring.

  52. Flamethorn

    I have a cheapass Nokia but I can play Qix on it and be all retro.

    (that would be the game on which I used to waste copious time on my C64)

  53. curmudgeon

    I am very disappointed. Apple and AT&T are majority male companies that are a strong part of patriarchy. To support them with your dollars is a stupid, stupid move.

  54. thebewilderness

    See what I mean about your detractors?

  55. tinfoil hattie

    Hmmm, Curmudgeon, you’re right. I’m going to buy my next cell phone from that female-owned and -run cell phone company. You know, what’s-it-called.

    Yeah.

    Alternatively, I’ll do without, since women are so safe and secure all on their own! No need to be able to contact someone in an emergency. Could use smoke signals, as larkspur suggested.

  56. curmudgeon

    I am not saying don’t have a cellphone, I am saying choose them carefully. AT&T is an old company with a horrible track record of women’s rights. Apple just takes what is available elsewhere, puts a few flowers and colors to blind people and takes your dollars. AT&T and Apple are both megacorps that seek to maintain the status quo.

  57. stacey

    the consumer-driven culture we live in makes me very jealous of your phone.

  58. Ron Sullivan

    Knit your own cellphone!

  59. mg_65

    Oh lordylou, Twisty, I love you so much! I just sent this post to everyone I know, and their dogs. Because it’s awesome in every way. The sudden hygienist onset, captured so conveniently with Fun New Toy, had me outta my chair.

  60. slythwolf

    Hah! Godspell. My sister’s high school choir put on Godspell her junior year. I still have the soundtrack somewhere, I think. There’s something a little bit sad about an atheist who knows all the songs from Godspell…

  61. tinfoil hattie

    Anyone know the songs from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat?

    “…Such a dazzling coat of many colors
    How I love my coat of many colors…”

  62. Sasha

    Ron Sullivan, that knitting your own cellphone has been SO overdone. It took less than a week for a knitted iPhone to appear. Cast your peepers on it here.

    http://daddytypes.com/2007/07/04/my_mom_handknit_an_iphone.php

  63. Theriomorph

    tinfoil hattie: every word.

    “Close every door to me, hide all the world from me, bar all my windows, and shut out the light – do what you want to me, hate me and laugh at me, ’cause I have an iPhone, and Pharaoh does not – ”

    I think this might be the cutest post ever at IBTP.

  64. tinfoil hattie

    Holy s***, Theriomorph. All I can rember is:

    “I look handsome, I look smart
    I am a walking work of art…”

    and “Jacob, Jacob and sons, something-something-something…”

    just enough to get a melody worm going in my brain for days.

    This is a fun post.

    (don’t tell the other feminists)

  65. Orange

    Last night I had “Eye of the Tiger” as an earworm. I went to YouTube and watched this amusing video by some schmoes pretending to be a band. (The kid-sized drum kit was a deft touch, as was the crop top.) Then I watched the original Survivor video and it was even more hilariously bad than the intentionally bad video!

    What? I never saw “Joseph” so I haven’t got any of those songs in my head.

    For the feminist angle, I will mention that I’ve been to pink breast cancer walks and teal ovarian cancer walks where they play the Survivor song to get everyone off to a cheesy-yet-rousing start. Another manifestation of why the pinkification of cancer is bad!

  66. ginmar

    I’d rather have my dumpy little razr, thanks. It’s just a phone and I love it and it goes everywhere with me, not that I go anywhere. I’m kind of nervous about buying 1st generation electronic products, call me cautious. I’m saving up to buy a new computer, three iPhones would just about do it.

  67. Ron Sullivan

    It took less than a week for a knitted iPhone to appear.

    Oh sweet Jeebus. Me and the zeitgeist, out of step again.

  68. Boudicca

    Theriomorph and tinfoilhattie,
    Don’t forget my favorite:

    “Those Canaan days, so long ago,
    Where have they gone? Where did they go?
    Helas, raise your berets
    To those Canaan days.”

    (It’s so nice to enjoy some whimsy!)

  69. goblinbee

    Theriomorph, Boudicca, tinfoil hattie: we are members of the same club!
    I remember loving the tune to the one about Potiphar’s wife (She-Who-Will-Not-Be-Named-Because-Women-Are-Next-To-Invisible-In-The-Bible):
    “Potiphar was cool and so fine,
    But his wife could never tow the line,
    It’s all there in chapter 39
    Of Genesis.”
    And Joseph’s response to her advances:
    “Joseph cried in vain,
    ‘Please stop! I don’t believe in free love!’”
    Then the scheming but rebuffed she-devil had him thrown in jail.

  70. lexia

    No, no, Norbizness!

    It was blessed are the *geek*. See above post.

  71. palinode

    It’s a new musical: Twisty and Her Amazing Technifunction iPhone.

  72. Gertrude Strine

    Parody? Pastiche?
    It may well be a bit of fun around a gadget but it’s got artist’s credentials indeed.
    Postie-as-angel, offering transformed into the adored itself – with dentist/shepherds sending out the word and even an older magus doing some solemn bowing. An image recalling Duccio or Giotto Madonna-with-Christus infant – - then a mighty slam at the Beatitudes.

    Even the jeans and skivvy apple one’s look-at-this pose reminds me of the Christ stigmata pose – and I never went near any church that had icons and robes and smoking handbags in my childhood.

    It’s not an easy thing to disencumber oneself of all that Roman Catholic baggage.

  73. tinfoil hattie

    Aaaah, yes. Potiphar’s wife. The mother of Zebedee’s sons. Other famous bible women.

    I can’t believe you folks know all those “Joseph” lyrics. Hilarious.

  74. Mike Thomas

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  75. alphabitch

    Ha! I’ve been looking for knitting patterns for cute baby junk, as one of my friends is about to give birth. The kid’s getting her very own knitted iPhone. Thanks, Sasha, for the link.

    Me, I’m thinking pretty hard about the iPhone. My lame-ass free-with-contract-renewal unit needs to be replaced, even more so since Ruby dropped it in the water dish and ate the headset thingy. I’ve resisted the Blackberry — amd, like ginmar, I prefer to wait for the new improved version of most gadgets, even from apple. But on the other hand, all the apple products I already own have improved my quality of life substantially. I still have my Mac Plus (with an external hard drive with 5 MB of RAM!), although I don’t use it much.

  76. Theriomorph

    I closed my eyes
    drew back the curtain
    to see for certain
    what I thought I knew

    Far far away
    someone was beeping
    but the world was sleeping
    any phone will do

  77. Boudicca

    There’s one more angel in heaven.
    There’s one more star in the sky.
    Twisty, we’ll never forget you.
    It’s tough, but we’re gonna get i’s.

    There one more place at our table.
    There one less tear in my eye
    ‘Cause, Twisty, the things that you stand for,
    Like truth and light, never die.

  78. Ron Sullivan

    I still have my Mac Plus…

    Alphabitch, I am impressed.

    ~~nostalgia attack~~ My first computer was a Mac Plus, used, a gift from a neighbor’s brother. All I had to do was drive down to LA for a weekend’s hospitality and pick it up, and of course I took my neighbor along; she was excellent company. Brother was a screenwriter and the Mac came with a lot of horror screenplays still hanging around on it. The one about a haunted suit of armor: opening scene was in a smithy; a piece of armor being annealed and quenched in a trough over which a headless human corpse hangs inverted and bleeding, hmm, I guess that never went anywhere.

    I killed the poor thing attempting an overnight download of something or other over my dialup ‘net connection. Sometimes I still miss those little cash-register noises it made. ~~/nostalgia attack~~

  79. Sara

    Completely uninterested in a $500 phone, I am nevertheless quite impressed with those luridly colored anatomical hearts. Is that a light-up string of plastic ones, or did you just cut and paste and color in PhotoShop?

  80. alphabitch

    Ron — that was not my first — I’m still a little irked with my lovely ex-wife for getting rid of the Apple II-c. I thought we could at least use it for an aquarium or a planter, or even a doorstop. But her cat, the evil Loretta, had chewed up the last remaining copy of the boot-up diskette. Remember those big 5-1/4″ floppy disks that were actually kind of floppy? Loretta loved to chew on those. And the II-c required that you insert the floppy into the drive, then turn the thing on, wait a while til it prompted you, and then turn the disk over & let that run a while to get to the word processing function … Those were the days, yall.

    I do turn the Mac Plus on from time to time, because it has the Star Trek screen saver and sound effects kit on it. Excellent party decoration.

    Although, yeah, what are those visceral glowy things behind you, Twisty? At first glance I took them for some kind of stylized teeth, but only because you mentioned dentistry. Oh, and did I mention the puppy also ate my glasses? So I can’t see the picture all that well. But those things do kind of look like anatomical cartoon hearts, now that you mention it.

  81. alphabitch

    Sorry about the damn ellipsis. Don’t know how that happened.

  82. A

    I love you

  83. MzNicky

    Fuck this. I don’t give a rat’s ass about the latest high-end technophile toy. What a buncha capitalist crappola, and I don’t care how cool Apple is, and I love my iBook by the way. And I’m beyond nauseated at all the sycophantic Twisty ass-kissing over this horseshit. And besides that I’m gagging on the lyrics to “Joseph and His Fucking Fabulous Dreamcoat” or whatever, for the luva christ! Gimme a break!

    Twisty! There’s blaming to be done! Goddammit, I don’t have time to keep coming here and clicking to see if you’re back in the game or what. I luvs ya, but this shit is a monumental letdown.

    Yeah, I’ve had a bad day.

  84. Ms Kate

    (sniff) all this applesauce makes me nostalgic for my first real job selling computers at the MIT Microcomputer Center in 1985.

    Do you want a 128, 256 or 512?

    IBM wouldn’t offer educational discounts on PCs, XTs or ATs, while Apple was more than happy to make the Macs cheaper for first time buyers. They considered the price cut an investment, and lots of professors and students went for the Macs for that reason. That and the interface was soooo much more intuitive.

    My first office computer out of college was a System 7. I shared it with another consultant who was left handed. We always knew that somebody had been mucking around with our computer because they would move the mouse to the right – being ambidextrous, I had no need.

    Floppies! Oh how much better the Mac system was. From backpack to Mac to pocket and back! Genius!

  85. Ms Kate

    MzNicky, don’t you know that the Patriarchy really hates good design? (ducks)

  86. larkspur

    That iPhone isn’t even penis-shaped, is it, MsKate?

    By the way, those glowy heart things are starting to make me feel weird. They seem to be screaming at me. Maybe they are just saying “Oooh!” and “Ahhh!”?

  87. bitchphd

    Aww, happy iphone :)

    Also in that picture you look absolutely glorious.

  88. endora

    MSKate, I hate to disagree but the P thrives on good design. It’s one of its principal propaganda tools, and the means by which it manages to seduce esthetes, despite them/ourselves.

  89. tinfoil hattie

    MzNicky, head to the message board. There’s lotsa real good blaming going on! Tell you what; I’ll give you a free pass. For one day, you can PM me about how much you hate kids in public and I’ll just say, “Mmmmh hmmm. Oh. My. Mmmm hmmmm.”

  90. Tupe

    For a complete waste of time and some cheesy music, check out the iPhone video on WillItBlend.com.

  91. Jiana

    A $500 phone? Typical excess of the patriarchal consumerist class. Patriarchy really serves us when we want it to, eh? And before you skewer me – all I’m saying is that it’s interesting that an object of the hyper-capitalists can sometimes be referred to as an object of the patriarchy, but merely a “gadget” if we, uh, happen to go all ga ga over it ourselves.

  92. MzNicky

    I dislike message boards. Yes, I’m old and crabby.

    Ah well. As the man said, All Things Must Pass.

  93. octopod

    Message board’s down. Claims you’ve exceeded your CPU quota. I suspect either there are inefficient things running on there, or else trolls running hostile scripts. Or else we just got Slashdotted. (Yeah right.)

  94. Vera

    The board was attacked.

  95. Kitteh

    Indeed. There was a systematic attack on a bunch of radfem blogs today.

  96. slythwolf

    Why do the things I like always wind up getting attacked?

    Oh wait, it’s because the things I like are generally anti-patriarchy. Guess who I blame?

  97. Laurelin

    Am I the only one who still has a crappy nokia…?

  98. Sekhmet

    Heart’s messageboard was also attacked recently.

    Those things that hate women are going out of their way to silence us anyway they can, even on the internet. Because, you know, dehumanizing, degrading and threatening us at all times everywhere offline just isn’t enough anymore.

    Those things hate us, AND they’re fucking SCARED. That is why they are resorting to cowardly anonymous attacks.

    And yes, I called the menz “those things.” They have done nothing to deserve being called human as far as I can see.

  99. hiding behind squid ink for now

    Vera – check Heart’s blog and the comments on the last post.

  100. Miller

    Check out the new iMac:

    http://youtube.com/watch?v=g6LGB3XD2QQ

  101. Jezebella

    Nope, Laurelin, I’m in the crappy nokia club too. I just can’t bring myself to spend real money on a phone, since I tend to drop them frequently.

    Board was attacked! Sumbitch. SOOOOO wish I had the mad hakking skilz necessary for repair and vengeance. Alas, as noted: I still have a crappy Nokia.

  102. southernyankee

    I’ve been trying to figure out what the heck cpu usage means. Slashdotted? I’m not that great with the whole interweb thing. I’m bummed the board was attacked. I get a lot out of it.

    I just recently realized I have an alarm clock feature on my phone, which I now use as a back up in the mornings.

    Yeah, technology is not my strong suit. I’m glad Twisty is enjoying her crazy new phone. If they were much, MUCH cheaper I’d get one too.

  103. slythwolf

    I have the same crappy Nokia I’ve had for two and a half years, that came free with my plan. Its backplate comes off sometimes but you know, I actually find that handy for storing grocery lists and stuff.

    I can’t bring myself to spend real money on a phone, either, but that’s mostly because I don’t have real money to spend on anything other than rent and gas. (Food is covered by the government–yay food assistance program!)

  104. slythwolf

    By the way: Forum’s back.

  105. rootlesscosmo

    better detractors.

    Head Dentist: “I’m afraid we’re going to have to use the detractors.”

    iPhone schmiPhone, the description of how he could play himself on TV was absolutely wonderful.

  106. Gayle

    I’m glad the board’s back up and running. Kudos to you!

  107. Gayle

    “Am I the only one who still has a crappy nokia…?”

    I had a crappy nokia, Laurelin. I was persuaded to upgrade, mainly by people pointing and laughing at my nokia.

    I bought a Razr. I regret that purchase almost every day.
    The Razr’s operating system is counterintuitive and, for reasons I still can’t fiqure out, mine shuts itself off a lot.

    My nokia didn’t have any bells and whistles, but it was a reliable phone.

  108. Lene

    I covet.

  109. SusanM

    My Nigel looks at his iPhone that way, too, and feels so sorry for me that he wants to get me one for my birthday. I told him no thanks– I’ll wait for phase 2 and the iGPS. This seems to have made him very sad for some reason. (Maybe he thinks if we have two in the house they’ll iProcreate?) A Twisty endorsement has me rethinking my decision.

  110. Sekhmet

    My last post (in moderation) was inflammatory and off topic, and written under the influence of several emotions and/or substances. Please delete it.

    I heart Twisty.

  111. Carebear

    I keep checking back to see if there’s a post about the public reaction to Hillary’s cleavage. I could write one myself, but Twisty, you do such a brilliant job…

  112. PattyV

    I can’t get to the forums anymore?

  113. silvia sea

    Wow, now I feel really behind the times. What is this “iPhone” and from whence did it appear? How may I obtain one?

    I think we have pretty much the same haircut.

  114. Twisty

    Said Miller, “Check out the new iMac.”

    Well I did, and it’s no good. That slick color scheme is OK for a phone, but the iMac has been a design anticlimax ever since they hit their zenith with the first flatscreen model, the one that looked like a giant white Hershey’s Kiss with a monitor sticking out of it. Sa weet.

  115. Twisty

    MzNicky: “I dislike message boards. Yes, I’m old and crabby.”

    I may have to use this at the message board to show that feminists don’t necessarily agree on every little goddam thing.

    I guess I’ll have to take down the “Welcome to the Message Board MzNicky” banner now, and give away your tiara.

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