Me, the only old bat down at Spinster Aunt HQ without an iPhone? As if.
It arrived two days ago. The Fed-Ex dude rang my doorbell about 30 times.
“I’m sure glad you were home,” he said. You’ve never seen a Fed-Ex dude exude such emotion. You’d have thought he was delivering a baby or the Sermon on the Mount* or something. “This,” his voice trembled a little, “is your iPhone!”
“Thanks,” I said. “I probably would have hurled myself off the Lamar bridge if I’d missed this momentous occasion.”
He did that thing where he pretended he wasn’t going to give it to me. Ha ha.
Later on, at the dentist, I whipped out my iPhone so I could listen to music while they drilled my molar into smithereens.
“My god!” said the dental assistant. “Is that what I think it is?”
“Glughth,” I nodded.
“Turn it sideways!” she demanded.** As a child I’d learned not to argue with women who have cold steel implements poised scant nanometers from my exposed dental nerves. I turned it sideways.
“Hey Dr Jones!” she hollered. “Get in here and look at this!”
The fleet-footed Dr Jones came a-running. His eyes got as big as a couple of Hostess cupcakes. “Hey! Is that what I think it is?”
“It’s an iPhone!” cried the dental assistant, triumphant. “Bite down.”
The room began to fill up with i-curious dentists, hygienists and other tooth-related personnel, and my mouth began to fill up with spit. Eventually the head dentist, who, like all head dentists, is a man with white hair who could play himself on TV, materialized in the doorway.
“I heard there was an iPhone in here!” yelled this entity. The crowd parted like the Red Sea to let the great man through. I was obliged to give a demonstration on every aspect of iPhone ownership. I showed him how it becomes a camera, how it becomes an iPod, how it becomes a PDA, how it becomes a stopwatch, how it becomes a video player, a photo album, a web browser, and a 70′s-era Braun calculator, but regretted that I was unable to supply detailed information relating to calling plans and rollover minutes.
“It makes my old Blackberry seem like a clod of dirt, or possibly a Motorola DynaTAC” I said, but you and I both know that what came out was “Egh leh ley uh ah uh ee eye Otorola blah.”
Already I cannot remember what life was like without either the iPhone or my weird new plastic tooth.
* A good thing he wasn’t delivering the Sermon on the Mount; that thing gives me the creeps. It’s not just the monologue where the dude Jesus invents about 6,789 future clichÃ©s (“blessed are the salt of the meek in sheep’s clothing who neither reap motes nor sow lilies,” etc ); he also gets all — what’s the word? Christiany? — with shit like “Whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery; and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.” What a fucking shudderfest.
**When you turn an iPhone sideways, the photo or the website or whatever you’re looking at switches to widescreen. It’s magic!.