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Sep 05 2007

Delusional godbags vow to spam nonbelievers for eternity

Have you seen this thing? I wish I had found this hilarious website back when I was suffering an attack of unsightly butt-boils; never did a spinster aunt’s ass more sorely need to be laughed off.

You will laugh your ass off when you grasp the premise of the ludicrous raptureletters.com. It promises sanctimonious jesusians that when they get sucked up by the Exalted Celestial Hoover come the Rapture, it will send emails to the Left Behinders of their choice. The emails will explain that the sanctimonious fucks were right and the heretic recipients — those who just shrugged and went “whatever” whenever it was suggested that they devote their lives to an invisible omniscient honky old American male fogey who is obsessed with the minutia of human reproduction and who can be contacted merely by closing your eyes and thinking really hard — were wrong. Nyah nyah.

Because what good is an invitation to Paradise from the ghost of a dead Nazarene hippie if you can’t thumb your nose at all the poor slobs who didn’t make the A-list?

Rapture.com explains its free service this way:

After the rapture, there will be a lot of speculation as to why millions of people have just disappeared. Unfortunately, after the rapture, only non believers will be left to come up with answers. You probably have family and friends that you have witnessed to and they just won’t listen. After the rapture they probably will, but who will tell them?

We have written a computer program to do just that. It will send an Electronic Message (e-mail) to whomever you want after the rapture has taken place, and you and I have been taken to heaven.”

Here’s an excerpt from the actual letter:

This may come as a shock to you, but the one who sent you this has been taken up to heaven.”

It gets better. The website will send the Electronic Message e-mail) on the first Friday after the rapture, and again every Friday thereafter.

99 comments

4 pings

  1. Sara

    Thank you for my first really good laugh today. I look forward to receiving my rapture spam, and then deleting it without opening it because it doesn’t come from someone I know.

  2. stekatz

    WWJS – or Who Would Jesus Spam?

  3. buggle

    I just sent this on to my boyfriend. His brother is a born-again Christian, and really believes in the rapture. He says that when he gets to heaven, the streets will be “lined with rubies!! With rubies!!!!”

    I don’t really know what good rubies will do him in heaven though.

  4. Orange

    Rubies? You can hire heaven’s dentist to have them set in your front teeth as totally awesome post-Rapture bling.

    The Rapture Letters are free, but:

    This service is free of charge. We require no payment for our efforts to save the lost.

    But, because this ministry does have financial needs, We do accept donations.
    Without them we would not have been able to create the program, maintain the database or this web site.

    Ninety percent of all donations we receive are used to further the kingdom of God and 10% goes toward administration costs.

    I’m going to need a clearer breakdown on how that 90% is broken down. How much goes to construction and physical plant costs? Is there some money budgeted for helping Ted Haggard and his family? Does this help pay for the costs of mining rubies?

  5. norbizness

    [From Deep Space Homer, on board the Space Shuttle]

    Race: Payload checklist. IRS surveillance satellite –
    Buzz: Check.
    Race: Ant farm –
    Buzz: Check.
    Race: Children’s letters to God (labeled “to jettison”)–
    Buzz: Check.

    On a related note, I need to go to the Nordstrom’s parking lot at Barton Creek Mall and ask assorted Westlakians whether they have a personal relationship with Jesus. If they do, and if they have a really sweet sportscar, then I’ll ask if I can put a “In Case of Rapture, This Car Goes to Unbeliever ___________” sticker on it. I will then cough ever-so-slightly, suggesting myself as the beneficiary.

  6. Sophie

    Errrr…

    There’s a flaw. Who will send the email? An automatic program? Does this assume that the born-again-christian-managed data center won’t be raptured? What if the bearded one is a technophile and wants to enjoy massive parallel computing? Eh?

  7. Antoinette Niebieszczanski

    Does anyone remember the episode of “Six Feet Under” where all the inflatable sex-dolls got set free on their way to the adult bookshop? A born-again lady saw them escaping, presumed it was the Rapture, and shuffled off this mortal coil.

    Like a lot of stuff on “Six Feet Under”, I didn’t know whether to laugh, cry, or throw up. It was good tv.

  8. finnsmotel

    “Who will send the email? An automatic program?”

    “How is this accomplished, you might ask. It’s a dead man switch that will automatically send the emails when it is not reset.”

    Maybe we could set up a dummy email address and try it out. Odds are pretty good that these folks will spam it even before the rapture.

    Side note: No matter how hard I try, this subject always causes Rapture, by Blondie, to become my #1 Jam for the day.

  9. yvonne

    Sophie, I just totally emailed my computer-professional huz* with the same question. How is the computer supposed to be able to tell when the Rapture has occurred? How do you program such a set of parameters? I don’t know what’s worse–the idea that they haven’t even thought of that, or the idea that they *have*, and believe that they’ve worked out a solution. (I hope it doesn’t involve chained atheists. “Okay, scum, when you see us gloriously disappear, click ‘send’! And repent!”) Then again, they could just be one of those groups with a fixed date in mind. There have been enough of those that you’d think all such-minded people would have learned their lesson.

    I knew someone who became Christian to the point of being delusional. She handed me a purple plastic rosary, then smilingly claimed that God had visited a “little miracle” on the transaction by turning the rosary to gold. Um, no? Still purple plastic! But she walked away before I could say so. I was left standing there, thinking, “Either she really believes the rosary turned to gold, or she doesn’t but she said it anyway, and I don’t know which scares me more.”

    *Writer Tenaya Darlington coined, AFAIK, this term, which I vastly, vastly prefer to the execrable “hubby”

  10. StarDragon the Canadian

    How wrong is it of me that I want something to trip the deadman switch NOW,so that subscribers` friends, family,co-workers,etc.,can thank them for their concern before it`s too late!

  11. finnsmotel

    I have entered the following dummy account into their Rapture Letters list:

    Your Name: Mary Smith
    Recipients Name: Joseph Smith
    Recipients Email: smithjoseph8@gmail.com

    If you feel like checking the email on this account, go to gmail.com and enter the following address and password:

    Email: smithjoseph8@gmail.com
    PWord: whatwouldjesusblog

    I will try to remember to check the account myself and let ya know if it gets spammed by these loonies.

  12. Zora

    Yes, yes, Sophie! That was my first thought. Then I realized that they’re doing God’s work and I am sure he’ll give them a heads up to hit that “send” button before they disappear into Heaven.

  13. norbizness

    10 BEGIN
    20 FOR X = 1 TO 5500000000
    30 IF APOCALYPTIC BATTLES THEN 40
    40 IF BOILING RIVERS OF BLOOD THEN 50
    50 SEND GLOATING E-MAIL TO HEATHEN (X)
    60 NEXT X
    70 END

  14. Michelle

    I really really really hope that for 15 minutes: I am wrong, science is bullshit and there is a Rapture.
    Get these banal, logic-impaired bastards out of here so we can let the regularly scheduled program continue!!!

  15. Star42

    Um…I could’ve sworn that the phrase was, “streets paved with gold”, not, “streets lined with rubies”, but it HAS been a few years since I was last forced into going to church. Yay for adulthood, where I finally get to make my own decisions!!!

    In any case, you’re right; I could never understand why Heaven was always described in terms of material wealth. Mansions, golden streets, pearly gates, etc. Even when I was five, that sounded too good to be true.

  16. karen

    Twisty –

    I have been moved to chortle.

    I tried to follow your link, but my office’s firewall blocked rapture.com.

    Apparently, it falls under the category of ‘pornography’.

  17. slythwolf

    Godbagism = pornography. That’s fucking awesome.

    I think all the fuss over material wealth in heaven is one of those added-on-the-fly things to get the rich to want to believe: “Hey, it’s evil to be rich, you can’t take any of it with you you know, you should just give it to the poor–why? Um. Hang on… Ah! You get better stuff in heaven! There you go, it’s awesome, join my cult!”

  18. Amananta

    My laughter is tinged with sadness because I used to believe this stuff, completely and utterly, to the point where one time when, as a young girl, I came home from school and everyone was unexpectedly absent, I went into a half hour long panic attack thinking I hadn’t been a good enough girl to be taken up in The Rapture and would be subject to the horrors of The Great Tribulation and would have to be a martyr for Jesus – let the evil atheist secular humanists publicly behead me for refusing to deny my faith in Christ – in order to avoid an eternity of being tortured in The Lake of Fire.

    It’s a horrible way to live, to believe in this. And I agree with the above commenters – it is a form of sadistic pornography. Those preachers love to describe in lurid detail the tortures that will be visited upon unbelievers. It’s disgusting.

  19. chingona

    Bumpersticker: In case of Rapture, this car will be empty.

    Counter Bumpersticker: In case of Rapture, can I have your car?

  20. yankee transplant

    yikes.

  21. CLD

    It’s nice to know the Internetz tubez will still be up and running after all the fundies float up to heaven.

    Oh and karen, it’s not rapture.com, it’s raptureletters.com — the former is most likely an actual porn site.

  22. Horrified

    With regard to how it works:

    I imagine that the people in charge of this lovely website have to sign in (or something to that effect) every week (or every day, or whatever). If the sign-in deadline goes by and nobody signs in, the computer knows that the rapture has occured and gets to send passive-agressive notes to those suckers who got left behind.

    The thing is, what if the site-owners died, or got sick, or weren’t able to log into the site for whatever reason? I guess they find it easier to imagine Jesus coming down from heaven to take them away than to imagine themselves actually dying like people have for the last, oh, five billion years (although, if you were a fundie, I guess the frame you’d use would be 6000 years…).

  23. Feminist Avatar

    One would think with all the earthquakes, pestilence, blood, war and general apocolypse type behaviour that corresponds with the rapture, that the heretics may not have time to check their email.

  24. CoolAunt

    Amananta, your story, while way more horrifying than any god related incidents of my own, still reminded me of my childhood relationship with a god in that it consisted mainly of fear. There was also the feeling of indebtedness, and the begging and sucking up so that maybe I’d be granted some mercy, some of my wishes might be granted and some of my debts to god relieved. Thinking back on that private inner world, there was always the thought in the back of my little kid’s mind that I was being watched and judged, day and night, by some giant, omniscient deity. That thought was accompanied by another, that of being so small and insignificant, more so next to the mean and angry god than I was next to most everyone else, and they, adults, were giants to me.

    Remembering now how it felt to me then leaves me feeling sad for all of the kids whose young lives and psyches are being tainted by the forced belief in the Judeo-Christian god. To spend that time in fear of unimaginable punishments meted out by a god who expects so much from those so small, helpless and (let’s be honest about it) clueless, is such a waste of what should be their happy-to-be-learning-and-growing childhoods.

    Yeah, I’ll be getting one of those post-Rapture e-mails. You betcha’ I will, or at least I should. Haahaaaha!

  25. karen

    CLD – Raptureletters.com actually did get filtered as pornography. (Rapture.com was just a typo in my original comment.)I’m glad you pointed that out, because a rapture letter could be a clever name for an online penthouse forum.

  26. Shira

    This dude was actually on Penn and Teller once. Can’t find the clip on youtube, but man, he was definitely a few scoops of sour cream short of a taco salad.

    Amananta-

    I think I had pretty much the opposite experience when I was a budding fundie in a private Christian middle school. I believed in the rapture and the inherent inferiority of women and an eternity of fiery death for Jews (seriously!), but I was utterly terrified of going to heaven. I think this stemmed mostly from the time I asked my teacher whether there would be roller coasters in heaven, and she said, “No, but God will make it so you don’t want to ride roller coasters anymore.” The idea that this God was so omnipotent that it could even alter my thoughts at will quite literally scared the beJesus out of me: it set me off down the path of realizing that if God controlled our thoughts, then God must be the cause of all sin, and so no just God could toss people into a lake of fire for doing what he forced them to do.

    Another experience that stands out in my memory is a counselor at a Christian camp answering the question, “Why did God create us in the first place?” “See, God is all powerful, but he was also very lonely. He created us all so that we could be his friends.” I was 13, but even then I grasped the fact that God can coerce my worship or accept my friendship, but he can’t coerce my friendship. Of course, once you realize that power imbalances matter, feminism comes pretty naturally.

  27. Mamasquab

    What kills me is Electronic Message. NOBODY says Electronic Message! It’s a real pleasure to inhabit a planet with such a huge diversity of humanity on it.

  28. inspiredbycoffee

    did anyone else notice this?

    “Ninety percent of all donations we receive are used to further the kingdom of God and 10% goes toward administration costs.”

    love it.

  29. S. D'Attournee-Lawson

    Like when Moses woke up early, parted his hair on the opposite side, and read tencommandments.com while drinking earl grey, this is entirely feasible.

  30. jbeeky

    Wait a minute. If it is an automatic email, are you trying to tell me there is no IBTP.com in heaven? Not even Wifi? Next you will be trying to tell me there are no tacos.

  31. Joolya

    This is a brilliant scam to get the email addresses of not just suckers but the friends and relatives of suckers. How much do you think the owners of this web site? There’re none of the usual “we promise not to sell this address to spammers” provisos on here. Absolutely brilliant! I have a mental picture of aome latter-day Glengarry Glen Ross guys in a southern Florida office somewhere laughing all the way to the bank.

  32. Rachel of Cyberia

    The only emails I’d get would be from Nigerian princes who were assumed to heaven and need to use my bank account to buy their cousins’ way out of hell.
    I’ve seen the sticker “When the Rapture comes, can I have your car?”

  33. Joolya

    PS: One of the links takes you to E-Sword: The Sword of the LORD with an electronic edge. Yowza! Don’t you point that thing at me!(http://www.e-sword.net/downloads.html)

  34. Orange

    Ooh! I know why there’s an emphasis on the gold and the rubies and other treasures in the great beyond. It’s so that tithing can be viewed as a sound investment.

  35. Rainbow Girl

    This must have been inspired from that classic episode of The Office, in which Dwight receives faxes from himself…in the future.

  36. Rainbow Girl

    Render upon Ceaser that which is Ceaser’s, render upon Cthulu that which is Cthulu’s.

  37. Genevieve

    Shira–
    When I was a little girl I always imagined heaven would be like a big ski resort in the sky–it made sense because everyone was saying how hot hell was, so it made sense that heaven would be cold in my seven-year-old mind.
    I know two people who believe in the rapture–a coworker of mine and one of my aunts. My coworker, I can understand why she’d be such a firm believer–her life so far has had a lot of downs and not too many ups. Given that, it makes sense that she’d want there to be something after death that’s better. Besides, she’s never once tried to impose her beliefs on me. She did, however, once wake up from sleeping on a bench during lunch hour to discover she was utterly alone and think that the rapture came and she wasn’t taken to heaven.

    My aunt, on the other hand…has basically led a charmed life. Maybe not in a feminist sense since she’s a housewife, but in most earthly ways she has gotten everything a person could want. So sometimes I look at her and think: “Why the obsession with holiness and imposing your religion on others? Can’t you just live and let live and be happy?” When she found out my sister was Buddhist she basically told her that that wasn’t ‘right,’ and that she would regret it. I suppose I should be grateful that she didn’t have a fit when my mom told her I’m dating a Jewish guy.

  38. Karen

    I haven’t looked at the linked site, but I think there was a story about something very like this on “Penn & Teller’s Bullshit” a while back. There’s this atheist guy who takes money from believers to send letters to those “left behind” on their behalf. He points out that as a firm atheist he obviously will not be taken up in the rapture and therefore will be availabe to send the letters. He also points out that when the rapture comes he will obviously see the error of his ways and so will be doubly-motivated to actually make good on his promise to send the letters.

    Apparently he’s made good money on this scam. Good for him, I say.

  39. Mamasquab

    Hey, hey, hey! You can be a feminist and be a housewife. Plenty of women do it.

  40. slythwolf

    I think Genevieve’s point was that a housewife isn’t leading a charmed life because she puts in basically 80 hours a week for no pay.

  41. PhysioProf

    I’m no expert on Rapturology, but I thought the idea was that while the blessed (or whatever the fuck they call themselves) were hoovering up to heaven, the rest of us were going to burning up in a global conflagration. And I’m also no expert on Internet infrastructure, but wouldn’t a global conflagration probably put the kibosh on e-mail delivery?

  42. Activist Mommy

    I think it says a lot about our culture that if the rapture were to happen it is assumed that everyone would run home to check their email. LOL I wonder if they’re going to sut a deal with Google or yahoo to get it up on the front page as soon as rapture happens. ;)

  43. Pat B.

    Amanata: Your story reminds me of one I heard way back in the late 70′s when I was a beginning programmer. This was in the days when only operators actually dealt directly with the machines and some programmers had some funky error messages, intended not to be seen by outsiders (i.e. users).

    This particular operating system (or process, I don’t remember) had a rare error that caused a message to appear on the system console saying “Prepare thyself, the world is about to end!” and then it would shut down. A company one day found the input requests piling up, and no output coming out, so someone got into the computer room. The system was shut down and the operator was nowhere to be found. Some hours later, she was located at home, on her knees, having closed out her earthly affairs and praying while waiting for the world to end.

    The error message was promptly changed.

  44. rafalah

    “I was 13, but even then I grasped the fact that God can coerce my worship or accept my friendship, but he can’t coerce my friendship. Of course, once you realize that power imbalances matter, feminism comes pretty naturally.”

    Love it Shira!

    Actually, it was the knowledge that death was only an eternity of Sunday School (i.e. Praising God)that kept me from becoming one more pod person.

    Twisty, thank you for making me laugh–AGAIN! I have made sure that everyone on my internet address list has been added (one at a time–unless someone else here has figured out a shortcut?) in case I am raptured up. Dear Lord; my parents have prayed enough for it. Maybe THEIR prayers will be answered and I will find myself in front of a massive, giant penis god.

    I love this site.

  45. shula

    I thank God for my Norton Spamwasher.

  46. Dawn Coyote

    I’ve got to find me some Rapture-believin’ Christian and get them to put me on that email list, because if it ever happens that a computer program can successfully detect the occurrance of the Rapture by any means whatsoever, I am totally using it as an argument for materialism.

  47. ruby

    Here’s my guess: there’s no “computer program,” no “dead man switch” that needs to be “reset.” It’s just another scam planned behind closed doors to grab email addresses and solicit more cash from more gullible, ignorant folks. Nothing new in organized religion here. Encouraging a sense of smug superiority must be good for business.

  48. Hawise

    Finally an explanation for that stupid code on Lost. They need to keep resetting it so that the emails don’t get sent and they get taken so that people will believe in the potential of the Rapture. It all makes sense to me now… of course I stopped watching it after the first season so I could be wrong.

  49. AngryYoungFemme

    Sorry to hijack the thread/interject something unrelated, but I’m curious about Twisty’s take on this, a NYtimes article/blog about ‘The Missing Males in Your Family Tree,’ found here: http://tierneylab.blogs.nytimes.com/2007/09/05/the-missing-men-in-your-family-tree/index.html?hp

    I’m enjoying the excellent blaming as of late, by the way.
    Cheers!

  50. carebear

    When can we put ‘godbagism’ in the DSM?

  51. lawbitch

    This is connected with the Calvary Churches in California. They have a Bible college to set up these churches. One of my relatives got married in one of these churches. They’re big-time Bible thumpers. Maybe I’m already on this list?

  52. CafeSiren

    finnsmotel — brilliant plan. Will you keep us updated?

  53. Sandy D.

    I can’t believe I’m the first one to link to JesusPets! Because “if Jesus returns tonight, who will feed your pets tomorrow?”

  54. Selkie

    Is it bad that I both hope they are right about who gets “taken” by the Rapture, AND that I am heartily looking forward to it?

  55. finnsmotel

    “Will you keep us updated?”

    So far, no spam.

    I’m guessing they won’t spam it at all. That would attract too much attention to what appears to be the main scam:

    After you submit the email address in the form, they display a page telling you how to make donations. I wonder what the potential capture rate is for a scam like that.

  56. slythwolf

    Godbags think pets don’t go to heaven? What assholes. Haven’t they seen that cartoon movie where All Dogs Go?

  57. Panic

    BASIC humour! I love it. Thanks for the laugh, norbizness.

  58. maribelle

    You know, I wish I could laugh about this, but some of these people are deadly serious. And way too many of them are running our government right now.

    I have a creepy fundie friend that called me the day in 1990 that Iraq invaded Kuwait; she intoned funereally “It. Has. Begun.” She was positively gleeful that “Armageddon was starting”. Seriously scary shit.

    There is no coincidence between the Right’s courting of fundies, their interpretations of prophecies in Revelations and the invasion of Iraq.

    The only thing they don’t seem to realize is that even if they were fulfilling the prophecies; they are NOT on God’s side–they are the Anti-Christ Legion. (If anyone knows anything about the prophecies from their early years, seriously consider GWB, Cheney and the whole Anti-Christ legend.) Interesting how these things can become self-fulfilling.

    Hitler had a similar flirtation with the prophecies of Nosterdamus. He read in those words that he was a conqueror bound to succeed. But others reading it later saw him as doomed to failure. Interesting how that works.

  59. Crystal

    I think that we should be looking forward to the rapture; can you imagine how much easier the revolution will be post-rapture?

    I’m actually kind of embarrassed because, as much as I always brag about knowing about assorted religious traditions and stuff, I had no idea that there were people who actually believe in this particular end of the world scenario. How truly sheltered I’ve been.

  60. Carebear

    Well put, Crystal. Let’s bring on the Rapture, and then we can live in peace away from the fundies.

  61. Mau de Katt

    The only thing they don’t seem to realize is that even if they were fulfilling the prophecies; they are NOT on God’s side–they are the Anti-Christ Legion. (If anyone knows anything about the prophecies from their early years, seriously consider GWB, Cheney and the whole Anti-Christ legend.)

    http://www.helixsf.com/archives/Jul06/fiction/Q1_sanders_beast.htm

  62. Mau de Katt

    Link doesn’t seem to work, up there… let’s try it again….

    http://www.helixsf.com/archives/Jul06/fiction/Q1_sanders_beast.htm

  63. Laura

    About 3 weeks ago I learned of the Rapture, thank to some weird article I read on Kirk Cameron. Then I found this website. Someone is reading a series of best-selling books based on what will happen to the people “Left Behind” (books series title), and sort of gives a summary of every few pages.
    If your POV is that the rapture is baffling and grotesque, you will enjoy reading this website from the beginning. Scroll way down.

    http://slacktivist.typepad.com/slacktivist/left_behind/index.html

  64. jc.

    Could God PULEEZE do the rapture thing now so that the rest of us can get on with serious and/or fun things with a few less these assholes around?
    By the way if there are any sort of moslem or hindu or jewish or buddhist or whatever rapture thingies planned by their respective all super mojo diety(-ies), could they also be instituted at once?

  65. Gansumina

    I am wondering if it occurred to them that perhaps when the Rapture comes the rest of us will notice? I mean, most of our government will be gone, several of our relatives and friends will be missing, there’ll be no traffic jams around the church because these god-wannabes are double parked. Not to mention that in addition to several million people missing from the planet, there’ll be all the fire and brimstone and torture and illness and all the other stuff that’s supposed to happen to us heathens.

    Because after witnessing the awesome power of god, we’ll need an email to convince us, right?

    I’m so with you, blamers. If this rapture thing happened, the world would be a better place automatically. Ironic how cleansing it would be.

  66. Pontiste

    PhysioProf: I’m late to the table here, but as a recovered fundie (had it foisted upon me as a wee sprout, much like others who’ve posted here, complete with Sunday evening church film screenings of “rapture porn”–lots of beheadings!), I can tell you that there are various flavors of Rapturology–sort of like all multitudinous florescences of Southern Baptists in macrocosm. You’ve got your amilleniallism, your premillennialism, your postmillennialism, your dispensationalism, etc., etc. (Of course, I only learned about these varying “schools” of thoughts well after my leaving the camp. My childhood churches only preached their brand of millennialism, and I’m too lazy right now to try to figure out which on exactly it was, but I do recall that it taught some sort of period of “Great Tribulation” during which the heathens would have a pretty rough time of it on earth before doing the hellfire bit.

    Regards,

    Pontiste

  67. Pontiste

    D’oh! “)”

  68. Reverend B. Dagger Lee

    I tried to read one of those Left Behind books once, but there was too much faxing in the first few pages. And phone calls.

    Now emails. There’s something very static and cubicular about these people’s stunted figurations.

  69. Pontiste

    Sorry about the less-than-coherent state of my penultimate, pre-lunch posting, but I hope you all got the basic gist of things. In the middle part I was trying to make an SAT-style analogy along the lines of:
    rapturology theories: fundies :: denominations and splinter groups: Southern Baptists.

  70. Irv Spielberg

    If you’d like to read two Google pieces that Falwell, LaHaye, Lindsey etc. have tried to keep you from reading (because those pieces expose the historical dirty linen of their money-making, 177-year-old racket), just Google “Pretrib Rapture Diehards” (note LaHaye’s hypocrisy under “1992″) and “Pretrib Hypocrisy.” (And “Famous Rapture Watchers” shows what everyone believed before 1830.) Irv

  71. rafalah

    Pontiste: I have a word; It has been layed upon my heart to assure you that your post was quite eloquent and enjoyable. Now if someone could just raise their hand and confirm…

    Really, I understand–you were trying to explain Alice in Wonderland logic wtih SAT logic.

    If the reader HAS been to Wonderland, then they’ll know it just ain’t gonna compute. If they haven’t, well, then they’ll just know those of us who have escaped have a very weird sense of ‘logic’. Cheers!

  72. SMM

    The rapture?

    Who’s going to tell these people that it’s already gone down?

  73. Kyso K

    did anyone else notice this?

    “Ninety percent of all donations we receive are used to further the kingdom of God and 10% goes toward administration costs.”

    love it.

    It’s got a certain Dirk Gently quality to it.

    Exploring the fundamental interconnectedness of all things: $3,563
    Drinks: $257.67

  74. kate

    I’m on the side of the assumption that this is a scam, the vague “to further the kingdom of God” is clearly a way to garner free cash. I’d imagine as long as the cash flow is small and slow, it won’t attract the attention of the IRS. If celebrity bible bangers are any evidence, one can make a pretty hefty sum before the government steps in to stop it.

    I can imagine someone who has no connection whatever to actual fundies, but an awareness of the exploitable nature of their ignorance and the sociopathic tendency to exploit such is behind the mask.

    I used to think that if we had sophisticated, well funded schools then the population wouldn’t be so inclined to superstition and lazy thinking, but I’m getting older and have my doubts about that possibility.

  75. Marcy

    If you feel like checking the email on this account, go to gmail.com and enter the following address and password:

    Email: smithjoseph8@gmail.com
    PWord: whatwouldjesusblog

    I will try to remember to check the account myself and let ya know if it gets spammed by these loonies.

    Well, you had one spam message…you won the Swiss lottery. Is the rapure letter site the only place where you posted that e-mail? If so, those bastards are selling addresses for money. Figures.

  76. Iris

    The Left Behind series is indeed quite terrifying. (And badly written).

    I went to Battle Cry (the fundie youth stadium event…40,000 kids) in my detroit this year. I have never seen anything so akin to Hitler Youth in my lifetime. These kids are rabid. Read the website (get your ‘Battle Plan’ there). Ron Luce is truly a Christian fascist with trememndous political power (he serves as head of the Drug Free Youth policy committee (?) in the fucking White house!

    Which leads me to something a poster said waaaay back in this thread:

    “I knew someone who became Christian to the point of being delusional.”

    Aren’t all christians [religious people] delusional?

  77. Iris

    Woah, I had some spelling and caps issues in that post.

    Jesus hates me.

  78. incognotter

    What I want to know is do they have “heathen” staff to cancel your passive-aggressive e-mails for you if you actually *aren’t* taken up in the Rapture?

    Think how embarrasing it would be to have those letters sent with you still here to have to face the others, all smugness gone.

    Heh.

  79. magickitty

    I swear I read this site a long time ago, and they explained that the emails would be sent because they used atheists as staff. They also weren’t asking for donations. So I guess it’s changed?

    I think maybe it was linked from boingboing, which I no longer frequent, and am much too lazy to visit to trawl the archives.

  80. mearl

    Whoa…I just fell into a Rapture while considering how marvelous it would be if all the believers disappeared at once. Who should I send a money order to?

  81. The Hedonistic Pleasureseeker

    Exalted Celestial Hoover? Omigod I am SO using that.

  82. Antoinette Niebieszczanski

    Join us over on the boards, HPS, wherein most worship is vacuum-centric. It’s the Obtusely Reverend B. Dagger Lee’s brainchild.

    Hail Roomba, full of dust!

  83. Gayle

    Did the Rapture happen already?

    Has Twisty left us behind?

  84. goblinbee

    SMM: “The rapture?
    Who’s going to tell these people that it’s already gone down?”

    I wish I thought of funny lines like this.

  85. thebewilderness

    Dearest Spinster Aunt,
    It has been ten days since your last missive. Some are beginning to fret. I hope you are having way too much fun to blog.

  86. rootlesscosmo

    What thebewilderness said.

  87. monika aka shermanvolvo

    What is particularly farked about this is the rapture letter “will hopefully gain the person you send it to an eternity in heaven.”

    I will be some pissed if I ever get one of these letters and am granted a place in heaven.

  88. Iris

    Yarr!

  89. ja

    I’m a dude, I strive not to be yet another pedantic asshole, and I want to thank you for all you’ve taught me about how to be a reasonably wise parent. I enjoin my eighteen-year old daughter to read you (and the usually brilliant comments) nearly each time a new post appears, since this blog imparts more lessons in life than I ever could, given my admittedly stilted perspective.

  90. Juliet

    I’ve sent this link to everyone I know, as well as publishing it in a frequented discussion forum. This was the laugh I needed.

    Speaking of bags… I thought you might find this (totally unrelated) link of interest. http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/6997316.stm

    ex:
    “Australia’s opposition Labor Party has questioned the need for female sailors to be given breast enlargements paid for with public money.

    An armed forces spokesman defended the operations, saying they were carried out for psychological reasons, not to make sailors “look sexy”.

    Brigadier Andrew Nikolic said the “holistic needs” of service personnel were considered under defence policy.

    But he said breast augmentations were not routinely funded by the military.”

  91. Wendy

    Check out http://postrapturepost.com/ on this site an atheist promises to hand deliver your rapture letter. After all, we know for sure the athiests will be around for the job, right? And if you pay the premium price, you can have it done on old parchment-style paper.

    And check out the FAQ page. It’s titled, “God Hates FAQs”

    Wendy

  92. Caren

    I thought pride was one of the seven deadly sins? So shouldn’t assuming that you will be Raptured be a rather prideful assumption? Especially if you feel so sure and prideful about it that you want to boast to all your Left Behind family/friends?

    Signing up for this service is signing off the Rapture!

    How funny would that be if everyone who thought they’d be raptured and left behind a note had to stay behind because of the note? Of course, we’d be stuck with them, but it’d still be funny.

  93. TNZ

    Hey, I’m pretty sure that site was a joke. For one thing, it wasn’t littered with Biblical quotations all over, and on every page. Another thing, it said “read a Bible a day” which, if written by fanatics, would almost certainly be “THE Bible”. They just love to point out that (lucky us) There Can Be Only One. Also, on the last page where it tells you where to send the money, the last line of the address is conveiniently,”accidentally” obscured. The site just didn’t have that authentic ring of pompous self-rightousness, or hilariously obliviousness to be anything but a joke.

    pretty funny, though! And I think they added those other church’s websites in the link, so ppl can send them angry letters for supposively knowing these “Rapture Letter” church people.

  94. Falco

    “devote their lives to an invisible omniscient honky old American male fogey”

    I fear you have made a mistake here, God is surely an Englishman and speaks in the voice of James Mason. (Gratuitously stolen from Eddie Izzard)

  95. Christine

    Thank you for your definition of fundamentalist Christian prayer to Jesus as closing your eyes and thinking really hard. I laughed out loud.

    I have an old friend who was a non-religious Jew and became one of them 30 years ago after some terrible, trust-destroying things happened to her. Not my solution when terrible, trust-destroying etc., etc, but it apparently keeps her going. She prays all the time and says it’s all about a personal relationship with Jesus.

    Your definiton makes the idiocy so clear. She’s a very intelligent person, BTW. We don’t talk religion or politics. The human mind is a frightening thing.

  96. Anuja

    Thou shalt receive my comment after I die.

  97. Seraphine

    I have a friend who “forward” sends email to me every day. Jokes, snippets of commercials, and words of inspiration are especially popular. I think I should forward this rapture letter to him. Turn-about is fair play.

  98. cf

    “I haven’t looked at the linked site, but I think there was a story about something very like this on “Penn & Teller’s Bullshit” a while back.”

    Oh! Thanks for reminding me! I KNEW those guys Hannity and Colmes reminded me of someone!

    Pen and Teller.

    Thanks!

  99. Ekkaia

    [quote]I have entered the following dummy account into their Rapture Letters list:

    Your Name: Mary Smith
    Recipients Name: Joseph Smith
    Recipients Email: smithjoseph8@gmail.com

    If you feel like checking the email on this account, go to gmail.com and enter the following address and password:

    Email: smithjoseph8@gmail.com
    PWord: whatwouldjesusblog[/quote]
    More than a year later, rapture still hasn’t happened. Or at least Joseph Smith hasn’t gotten his Postrapture-Email yet. Almost 100 spam mails though.

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