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Oct 16 2007

Undead, not dead; these are hairs you are splitting

hotbitch.jpg

Because we are nothing without external validation, I was fortunate, during yesterday’s dog walk on Tellin It Like It Is Street, to encounter this objective affirmation of my womanly virtues.

110 comments

  1. The Obtusely Reverend B. Dagger Lee

    I heard this is turning into a zombie blog? Very cool, I’m crazy for zombies.

  2. Bird

    A bunch of zombies are marching against the oppression of the undead. The head zombie gets up front to the microphone and raises his mouldy fist in the air.

    “What do we want?”

    “Braaaaaaaaaaaaaains.”

    “When do we want them?”

    “Braaaaaaaaaaaaains.”

  3. Hukuma Xpyweb

    Pleased to know that you are not dead, or perhaps undead.
    Be well Twisty. Blame again soon.

  4. The Obtusely Reverend B. Dagger Lee

    Vegan zombie: “Graaaaaaaaains!”

  5. Bird

    Railway zombie: “Traaaaaaaaaaaains.”

  6. Melissa McEwan

    Glad to see you got my note!

    I considered sending it in a bottle, but then I thought No. No, definitely Post-It note among the fallen leaves.

  7. buggle

    This is the coolest zombie feminist blog I’ve ever seen. People say feminists are too exclusive and not diverse enough, but hello?! Can anyone else find a zombie-inclusive feminist blog?

    I didn’t think so.

  8. kcb

    Sure it’s not a weather forecast?

  9. tacquito

    Sweet! A new zombie blog, just in time for Halloween!

    (You’re a zombie, Violet’s a ghost… are all the feminist bloggers going over to the other side?)

  10. rootlesscosmo

    Plumbing zombie:

    “Draaaaaaaaains!”

  11. Niki

    Soccer zombie: “Spraaaaaaaaaains!” (or “Paaaaaaaaains”, depending)

  12. Panic

    Interior design zombie:
    “Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains…cotting.”
    /reaching

  13. chezjenne

    Differently-abled zombie “Caaaaaaaaaaaaains!”

  14. Dr. Steph

    Woodworking zombie: “Staaaaaaaaaaaains!”

    Meteorologist Zombie: “Raaaaaaaaains!” (could also be Eliza Dolittle Zombie)

    This is way more fun than working.

  15. Bird

    Weather service zombie:

    “Raaaaaaaaains.”

  16. cycles

    Constipated zombie:

    “Braaaaaaaaaaaan!”

  17. Niki

    Disgruntled patriarchy-oppressed clothes/floor/children washing mother/wife zombie:

    “Staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains.”

  18. Rev. BDL

    Feminist zombie re teh menz: “Paaaaaaaains.”

  19. DaisyDeadhead

    Have you been reading Philip K Dick? In TIME OUT OF JOINT, he keeps finding existential messages like that!

    I’ve waited all my life to be contacted in such a fashion, and I’m pretty jealous you get the cool notes and a dedicated PKD fan like myself gets zip!

    (((sobs!)))

  20. amy

    Phlebotomist zombie:

    “Veeeeeeeeeeins.”

  21. Ron Sullivan

    Underwear zombie:

    “Haaaaaaaaaaaanes!”

  22. Ron Sullivan

    Very vegan zombie:

    “Jaaaaaaaaains!”

  23. Ron Sullivan

    Bowling zombie:

    Oh come on, do I hafta?

    Big plumbing zombie:

    See above.

    Smalltime weather zombie:

    “Vaaaaaaanes!”

    Moonphase zombie:

    Western novel zombie:

    OK, I quit. Off to the oral surgeon again.

  24. Hattie

    Fat acceptance zombie
    “gaaaaaaains!”

  25. witchy-woo

    Biker zombie:

    “chaaaaaaaaaains!”

  26. Niki

    Male zombie who doesn’t believe in the female orgasm:

    “Feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiiigns”

  27. ktorre

    Insurance zombie:

    “Claaaaaaaims!”

  28. Sara

    New England zombie:

    “Maaaaaaaaine!”

    Okay, that was a stretch.

  29. thebewilderness

    How do I love thee? Let me count the refraaaaaaains.
    Bog, bog, bog, I love youse guys.

  30. ew_nc

    Other constipated zombie –

    Straaaaaiiiiiinnnns!

  31. Fool on a Hill

    Literate zombie rafting along the Mississippi:

    “Twaaaaaaaaaaaain!”

  32. MG

    “Undead, yes! Unperson, no!”

    and

    Queen of the Zombies:

    Reeeeeeeeiiiiiiiigns!

    (I’ll shut up now.)

  33. C. Atrox

    Seventies-era zombie:

    soultraaain!

  34. pisaquari

    Right-Wing-South-Dakota-zombie:

    Abstaaaaaiiiin

  35. bushfire

    *pounds fist on table in laughter*

  36. buttercup

    zombies looking down on you-

    “disdaiiiiiiiiiins”

    Crazy zombies

    “insaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanes!”

    and Vampire/Phlebotomist zombie,

    “Veeeeeeiiiiiins”

    y’all crack me up.

  37. spikat

    Canuck zombie:

    Canaaaaiiidiaaaaiiiins

  38. josquin

    Cold, damp, 19th c. zombies get
    “Chilblaaains”!

  39. stekatz

    Just imagine if Eliza Dolittle was a zombie.

  40. S. D'Attournee-Lawson

    Construction zombie:

    Craaaaaaaaaaaaanes

    My Own Personal Favorite Dog zombie:

    Daaaaaaaaaaaaaanes

  41. niki

    Tropical fruit inclined zombie:

    “Plantaaaaaaaaains”

  42. Genevieve

    El Cid Zombie:

    Spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain!

    (All of this is too funny)

  43. Mme. Termagant

    The Elocutionary Gourmeeeeet Zombie:

    Braaaaaaains flambeeeee
    go plaaaaaainly with Champaaaaaaigne.

    Dear Co-Readers,
    Whilst Twisty is away from her desk, to where do you find your eyes wandering?

    Madam has been exploring the archives of Dr. Socks as well as the hourly scribblings of many of the usuals suspects (Pandagon, Shakesville, etc.), and a smattering of the more unusual subjects.

    But like our undead friends, I seek new braaaaaains. Particularly brains from further afield. I always did have a thing for foreign accents.

  44. mearl

    Fantasy Island zombie:

    “The plaaaaaaaaaaane! The plaaaaaaaaaaaaaane!”

  45. howlingmonkey

    Dudely right wing pundit zombie:

    Inaaaaane!

  46. Lara

    Arab zombie:

    Bahraaaaaaaaaaaainnn

    That was really stretching it wasn’t it?….

  47. slythwolf

    Balding zombie:

    “Rogaaaaaaaaaaine!”

  48. howlingmonkey

    Tolerant of state intervention in markets economist zombie:

    Keyyyynes

    Ok, I’ll stop now.

  49. Ron Sullivan

    Am I the only person who can’t hear “Rogaine” without the rest of the verse: “… run’ all ’round my brain”?

    Hey, full circle! Plus, someone needs to write that blues song now.

  50. derrp

    BDSM zombie:

    Chaaaaaaaaaains!

  51. Alan

    prog rock zombie:

    “refraaaaaaaaaaaaain”

    wanna be debate team zombie:

    “explaaaaaaaaaaaain”

  52. mme emilia

    zombie politicians:

    campaaaaiiiiigns!

  53. thebewilderness

    My Dear Mme.
    Do you know about the forum
    http://easypersiflage.com/blameforum/index.php

    where we blaaaaames?

  54. Serene Wright

    Y’r n yr lst lgs, y vctmhd lvng cnt, rn’t y? It’s rthr bvs, y knw.

  55. Gayle

    Aww, see that, Twisty?

    Even your most misogynistic, troll-operative-bots are growing concerned over your recent lack of substantive posts!

    How touching!

  56. Ramblin Rabbit

    IBTP reader:

    Blaaaaaaaaames (I think I didn’t see this above, sorry if it’s a repeat)

  57. Mar Iguana

    Oh goody, a twofer. Serene Wright:

    Laaaaaaaaaaaaame braaaaaaaaaaaaaaain

  58. Otter

    What? No Amtrak zombies?

    traaaaaaaaaiiiiinnnsss!

  59. Flamethorn

    Songwriting zombie:
    Refraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains

    Midwest US zombie:
    Plaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains

  60. Dolia

    Botanical zombie:
    Plantaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiins

  61. TinaH

    URL Zombie:

    Domaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiins

  62. Edith

    Early 90′s grunge rocker in mourning:

    Cobaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiin!

  63. slownews

    Blues-loving zombie:
    Coltraaaaaaaaaane

    (giggling helplessly on the floor at y’all)

  64. magickitty

    The quality of trolls is on the waaaaaaaaane.

  65. tupe tupe

    Yesterday I was riding in traffic and some asshat told me from his car that he’d like to be my bike. I’m seriously going to start carrying a bag of rocks next to my gear shift. “I validate your existence as a jerk who deserves his windsheild broken by breaking your windshield with this rock.”

  66. Toonces

    Yes, magickitty, but they always entertaaaaaaaain.

  67. Scott

    Zombie of old western genre:
    “Shaaaaaaaaane!”

  68. TinaH

    Trolls are the very baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaane of my existence.

  69. Jodie

    The Bush zombie: “Husssaaaaiiinnn!”

  70. herdottiness

    Knitting zombie:

    skeeiiiiins

  71. Iris

    What happens when the blog is on the topic of teh babies or marriage:

    flaaaaaaaaaaaaames

  72. TravelerOfTheWays

    Hair-dresser zombies: Maaaaaaaaaaaaaanes!

    British zombies: Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaainsbury’s!

    Cell phone zombie: You raaaaaaaaaaaaang?

  73. That Girl

    Im so glad youre back! I only know one joke-

    A captain tells a private he’s gonna learn how to be a paratrooper. They go to the airfield and the Captain says
    “Son, it’s easy. When the door opens, jump. Count to ten and pull the chute string. If for some reason it doesnt open, pull the emergency string. A truck will pick you up at the landing sight.”
    The private gets into the plane and when the door opens, jumps. He counts to ten and pulls the cord. Nothing. He pulls the emergency cord. Nothing. And he thinks “I bet that goddamn truck wont be there either.”

    Hope you are in fine fettle.

  74. amazonmidwife

    I can’t believe I got here in time to play too!

    Ornithologist zombie: Craaaaaaaaaanes!

    You people have made my day!

  75. Dawn Coyote

    Oh c’mon, are you certain it’s not a note from some concerned samaritan about a female doggie left tied up too long in the sun?

  76. thebewilderness

    Do you mean the zombie samaritaaaaains?

  77. Ambitious Wench

    Geologist zombie:

    “Morrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiinnnnnneeeees”

    (Can you tell I’ve been reading too much about glacial remnants of the Sierra Nevada?)

    As for the Postit, well, as long as they weren’t talking about your dog, I’d agree.

  78. Miller

    As a young woman I cannot tell you how many times I hear my peers say shit just like that, but teens/tweens are far worse. I remember hearing these two girls talk on the subway about a show they were watching where the female character gets raped by a popular boy. One of the girls said (I kid you not), “I wish he’d rape me.” They use rape to mean its opposite: consensual sex. Doublespeak at its worst. I don’t know how to even approach that when society refuses to even consider “bitch” to be a damn slur.

    By the way: I, too, am glad you’re back.

  79. Steph

    Headache Zombie:

    migraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaines

  80. Mar Iguana

    Oh, doublelspeak can get worse. Much, much worse. For instance, here’s what “support the troops” really means and what the point of war actually is. It is no mere coincidence that war went global at the beginning of the 20th century at the same time women were gaining in their quest for human status. That 80% of the casualties of war are women is not merely unfortunate collateral damage. It is the point of modern warfare. War and religion is just about all the boys have left in their little quivers to keep their boots on Woman’s neck. How telling that in their “edgy” cool crap the boys think “pimps up, hos down” is so hip-dug, blithely overlooking that the war mongers are the pimps, designating all women as hos and that leaves the boys as nothing more than pathetic, disgusting gullible johns, their sexuality manipulated like a lab rat’s.

    This is a rape-survivor’s response to Ken Burns’ PBS documentary “The War” which glorifies WWII American soldiers whilst ignoring their brutal and murderous treatment of women:

    THE WAR,’ MR BURNS, is the Yokosuka rape queues in August 1945, with GI’s lined up for blocks, two abreast, to get at the Japanese girls enslaved in ‘comfort stations’ for them — with the full cooperation of the American and Japanese authorities. Destitute, vulnerable girls were raped into unconsciousness as the men joked and laughed and jostled in line, waiting their turn. Some girls bled to death. Some committed suicide — that is, the lucky ones who could escape. Not one ‘comfort girl’ has told her story — due to shame. Why did you not tell this particular ‘intimate history’ of ‘The War,’ Mr. Burns? Especially since ‘usage’ of the girls was almost 100%. Why has the small detail that almost every GI in Japan, 1945, was a rapist escaped you? Why his this big ‘dirty secret’ of war never been covered?

    ‘The War,’ Mr. Burns, is the men who lined up to use the prostitutes on Hotel Street in Honolulu: women were raped 100 times a day — a different man entered the girl every three minutes. Why should I mourn these rapists when they were killed in the attack at Pearl Harbor? They slaughtered the bodies of these women in a fashion far more brutal than any bombing could ever be.

    ‘The War,’ Mr. Burns, is the widespread rape of French girls by GI’s after they ‘liberated’ Paris. Rape by American soldiers was so common that Eisenhower actually had to acknowledge it was happening, although he did nothing to stop it.

    ‘The War’ is the public parks in Palermo, where pimps considerately laid out mattresses so the GI’s could fuck starving Italian girls comfortably, for a dollar or two a turn.

    ‘The War’ is homeless, prostituted girls in Berlin doing it in the rubble for a few cents and agreeing to ‘share’ a GI bed so they would simply have a place to sleep that night. This, after they had already had the insides raped out of them by the invading Russian army and then were labeled ‘whores’ since it was a convenient way for the authorities to deal with these ‘ruined’ women.

    ‘The War’ is the village in Okinawa where GI’s raped every woman, girl, and child — the victims were too sick and starving to even try to run from their attackers.

    ‘The War,’ Mr. Burns, is the starvation prostitution forced upon tens of thousands of European and Japanese girls (some barely into their teens) by the ridiculous conflicts men create to display their phallic brutality. It is also the brothel attached to a military base in Arizona stocked with ‘worn-out whores’ and reserved exclusively for black solders, so that the white GI’s would not have to ‘contaminate’ their penises by raping the same prostitutes. Thousands of black GI’s passed through this brothel daily, and who knows what insane, pathetic creatures they left dead of rape and misery.

    ‘The War,’ Mr. Burns, is not your blind, masculine-centric vision of it, full of all these lies about valor and sacrifice and courage and nobility. There is little that is noble about the raping, war-making brute we call a soldier.

    I was raped and prostituted by the U.S. Military. Why don’t you tell my story, Mr. Burns? It is far more ‘colorful’ than that of these soldiers who raped their way through Europe and Asia. Don’t you want to know what it’s like to be mounted by a line of soldiers? It is a hell beyond any possible imagining. It has happened to me.

    My PTSD, as it is so fashionably called, is far more intense than that of the men who raped the life and dignity and beauty out of me. The emotional damage to the soldier does not compare to the suffering he inflicts on the women he ravages.

    War is never good for women. War sexually enslaves women. Men gain by war. They have the pleasure of rape: they mount starving women, ‘cheap whores,’ and take their pleasure, and the woman is silenced forever by her shame. What a male abomination is not just your grandiose seven-part, tidy version of ‘The War,’ but PBS as well. You pretend to be enlightened but you are as blind and callous and cruel as the soldier rapists who destroyed the lives and bodies of so many women.

    I looked at your so-called ‘companion volume’ to the series. The index carries not one reference to rape, prostitution, military brothels, or the sexual suffering of millions of woman. How can you overlook, ignore, dismiss a ‘fact’ so enormous? As if these women simply never existed.

    What a betrayal of our raped bodies is your grand, masculine-centric version of ‘The War.’ Even your title indicates that you own this territory, this war, your war. It is, indeed, your war — since all wars are the product of your male phallic cruelty.

    War never ‘liberates’ women. War sexually destroys us. It has never been otherwise. Briseis had no say in her fate as a ‘captive’ woman. No one asked her what she thought of the arrangement. No one has asked the Filipina women trafficked onto the fifty U.S. bases in Iraq what they think of their lot as the GI’s line up for their five-minute shot inside them.

    There is little that is noble about the raping, war-making brute we call a soldier. Men make war because they love war. Don’t ask me to feel sorry for the way they ‘suffer.’

    Suki Falconberg, PhD, is an ex-prostitute who fights against the sexual enslavement of women. She is also a passionate animal-rights activist.

  81. Flash

    Is this doing a joke to death?

  82. Antoinette Niebieszczanski

    Late to the party, but

    Disgruntled zombie:
    “Complaaaaains!”

  83. stekatz

    Flash, I don’t think so. Some of these jokes have been dead on.

  84. Seraphine

    External validation validates my internal parking.

  85. Dawn Coyote

    You’re killing me.

  86. acm

    but… all we want to do is eat your brains!

    :)

  87. lawbitch

    Oh, stop, you’re *killing* me here!

  88. lawbitch

    Damn, Dawn Coyote beat me to it!

  89. Marcy

    Boy, that was entertaining. You guys are fucking hilarious!

  90. kate

    My dearest Twisty, you most definitely are one hot bitch which runs a fine Hot Bitch hangout packed with a buncha Hot Bitches from everywhere.

  91. Mar Iguana

    Have I mentioned lately how much I hate the “B” word?

  92. Sara

    Actually, Flash and Stekatz, I think we’ve been doing the joke to undeath.

  93. Hawise

    If you beat a joke to death does it come back as undead to eat its perpetuators? If so, does it only come out in the day or does it hangout in afterhour comedy clubs?

  94. julia

    ya, that “b word.” i have totally enjoyed all the chuckles this posting has created … and yet, in real life, i HATE the use of the word as it is used in north america – and i can swear with the best of them! [shudder] ugh, especially when used *by* women *about* women. you know what i mean.

    and yet, in england, the “b word” is often used as a plain old descriptor for female dogs. hearing my cousins use the b word when talking about their and other’s dogs took a bit of getting used to!

    stay undead twisty!

  95. Ron Sullivan

    Something handed to me way back in 1969 or so:

    Beleaguered
    Intellectual
    Taking
    Care of
    Herself
    .

    I figure “Individual” works OK there too.

  96. Jillybean

    All we want to do is eat your brains. We’re not unreasonable; I’m mean, no one’s gonna eat your eyes.

  97. Jezebella

    You people are hilarious.

    Alas, when I found a post-it note message from the ether on MY street, it merely said, “Bitch.” Not “hot bitch.” I cried for days and days.

  98. Ms Kate

    Have you all gone insaaaaaaaaaaane?

    Hot Bitch? Maybe it was a sign for a female dog cooling off/mist station, no?

    Give the poor dog some water already! Look at her there, panting like that.

  99. Mar Iguana

    “I am a human being.” …Joseph Carey Merrick

  100. Rainbow Girl

    Tropical vendor zombie:

    Plantaaaaiiins! Plantaaaaaiiiiins!

  101. Sara

    I ain’t ‘fraid of no jokes.

  102. TwissB

    Special to Mar Iguana: Keep trying to stamp out the b-word. Some fine day folks will catch on to the fact that some certain hate terms are unredeemably self-denigrating and they just might develop a distaste for hugging their chains. (No BDSM jokes in response, please.)

  103. Mar Iguana

    “…some certain hate terms are unredeemably self-denigrating…”

    Well said, TwissB. I have a big ol’ comment up-thread you can’t see because it’s stuck in moderation. It’s a letter to Ken Burns about his bullshit PBS series glorifying “The War,” written by Suki Falconberg, PhD, an ex-prostitute who fights against the sexual enslavement of women. She is also a passionate animal-rights activist. These two causes are directly related as the boys persist in dehumanizing women. Read her letter

    http://www.energygrid.com/society/2007/10sf-thewar.html

    then connect the dots between the reason boys war and the rape kennels that proliferate in war’s path. Support the troops?! I don’t THINK so. Little motherfuckers.

  104. Gayle

    TwissB,

    Agreed.

    You can’t reclaim something that never belonged to you in the first place. Bitch is not redeemable.

    Oh, and one other thing: the word bitch isn’t just a name for a female dog, it describes a female dog IN HEAT, a dog who desperately needs/wants to get laid.

    Now consider the connotations when it’s thrown at an “uppity” woman.
    Same old, same old.

  105. Gayle

    Mar Igauna,

    That’s a painfully powerful letter.

    I first saw it when Heart linked to it. I almost didn’t finish it upon my initial reading because of its tone. When she calls “almost” every GI who served in Japan a rapist, I recoiled. Shit, I knew people who served in Japan!

    But I did read it all and I know her facts are indisputable: the rape of Berlin, the comfort women stations,etc. Her outraged is warranted. Hell, there would be something wrong with her if she wasn’t so outraged!

    Now I’ve read it three times and it haunts me. Everyone should know this history, particularly as it’s still happening in the present. Shame on all the war historians and propagandists who continue to ignore women.

  106. saltyC

    Ken Burns always was a skinny little macho man in love with violence. These propaganda “documentaries” promoting brutality in the name of Good and Right are extremely dangerous.
    it’s true, who cares how much the soldiers, with their heavy armour and heavy weapons and their masturbating to the mayhem they create, who cares how much they “suffer”? They’re not human, if they were they’d desert.

  107. saltyC

    PS I’m sick of having to tiptoe around (in places not here) the old “but my uncle/father/brother/self is a soldier so please coddle me.”

    Yeah, my brother also went to the gulf, and my child’s half-siblings are going too. So? We all know soldiers, relatively few of us here reading blogs are or have close relatives who were enslaved in joy divisions.

    That’s because we’re in the guilty class. Big wup. You get no coddling for being in the guilty class.

    Suki Falconberg, PhD’s letter is remarkable because is exists. Women who are used the way she was aren’t supposed to ever speak, least of all complain. Most of them never do.

  108. slythwolf

    the word bitch isn’t just a name for a female dog, it describes a female dog IN HEAT, a dog who desperately needs/wants to get laid.

    It does? I didn’t know that. I wonder why the announcers at dog shows invariably refer to all the female dogs as bitches, then. Surely they aren’t all in heat at the same time.

  109. Lara

    Thankyou so much Mar Iguana for posting that. That letter REALLY made me emotional, especially as one of my friend’s brother just went off to Iraq…..it makes me shudder….

    Suheir Hammad witnesses to this:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HIE_8NsqzT0

  110. Gayle

    slythwolf,

    Haven’t you ever heard of the “Harem effect?”

    Kidding!

    You’re right of course, I’ll clarify: female dogs are called bitches as long as they can go into heats. A spayed dog is no longer a bitch.

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