A fellow blamer’s rapist remains at large
Here’s a little reminder to brighten your day: all humans are conditioned to despise women. A woman can be criticized, sentimentalized, brutalized, infantilized, minimized, empowerfulized, pedestalized, pornalized, and penalized, but she can never be humanized. The American legal system, as a matter of fact, effectively outlaws humanity for women. It does this in many ways, all of which define women in terms of male sexuality. One of the most insidious is its assertion that women are in a perpetual state of ‘consent’ unless they specify in front of 147 witnesses that they have withdrawn it (more on my radical notions about consent and women’s humanity here, and even more blamer contributions here). It is by this cunning method of ascribing to women the quality of unceasing availability that the future of rape as a cornerstone of human social order is secured.
Rape is the dominant culture’s most cherished method of controlling the female underclass, of moulding us into a self-replicating supply of fearful, impaired, coercible receptacles. Why else would rape trials be so notoriously torturous and humiliating for the victims? Why else would convictions be so notoriously difficult to obtain? It is by popular demand that, decades after American women were first deemed “liberated,” the countryside remains infested with unjailed rapists. These freely roaming terrorists are patriarchy’s enforcers. They’re the product of a culture of violence that luxuriates in the juridical presumption that all raped women are guilty unless proven otherwise.
I bring this up because I recently received a long, melancholy email from “spinster niece” X who, five years after her rapist went free, is still being punished for it. After moving to a new state, X has discovered that her rapist has relocated there as well. He hasn’t contacted her, so she doesn’t know if he is aware of her whereabouts or not. But she is gripped with fear and loathing all the same. Her email, a sort of stream-of-consciousness blurt excerpted unedited from her personal notes, reveals that she has spent no small amount of time thinking about the rapist and the untenable situation he has put her in. In this email, X profiles her rapist exhaustively. She wonders whether his relocation is a coincidence. She describes the physical attributes of his other victims. She ponders whether he currently possesses sufficient “type-dependent psychological motivation” to seek her out. She muses about sending a friend to spy on him, about involving the FBI, about setting up a sting, about a concealed-carry permit. Reasonably and understandably, she wants to do something that will prevent his raping her or somebody else again, but she doesn’t know what, short of buying a gun, this might entail. “I can’t,” she says, “let this go.” So she appealed to me for “logistical/tactical/strategic advising.”
Naturally I failed her. I’m just a cheap blowhard blogger, I told her, not to be confused with someone who actually knows stuff. I can do bromides, but practical advice? The business of day-to-day living with the long-term repercussions of rape without shooting somebody is way out of my league. So I’m doing what I always do when I don’t know what I’m doing: I’m passing the question on to the Blametariat. Help a sister out, girls. What do you do when your rapist goes free?
I think about this a lot. Four years ago my best friend was murdered by her boyfriend, who subsequently received sixteen years in prison.(read the whole story here: http://www.lagusta.com/rants/susan2003.html) All I can think about is how in 12 years he will be living in my same world, and what can I do about it? What will I do about it? What is there to do, besides the everyday work of patriarchy-blaming and dismantling? I guess I can try not to let the thoughts themselves dismantle myself.
My grandfather/abuser has never had anything happen to him because of the abuse he inflicted. It makes me crazy. I don’t know how to live with him just being out there, completely free, with no one knowing he is evil. I worry that he’s still molesting kids, I feel like I should do something about it. But I have no idea what that would be. I’ve thought about posting fliers all over his town, and other various things, but they all seem stupid. He should be in jail for the rest of his life. Or preferably, dead.
Thankfully, I don’t have to worry about him coming after me. But he may have other victims. And I still don’t know how to live and exist knowing that he has completely gotten away with his crimes.
So yeah, I’m not help. I’m really interested in what others have to say.
Gun. Proper size caliber for her hand. Along with plent of time at the shooting range and a proper gunlock if she has kids around.
Twisty don’t sell yourself short. You’ve helped. Those first two paragraphs are a help to us all. I want to put them in a nice frame and hang them up somewhere.
Everyone lives in fear of something.
Take reasonable precautions for
personal safety, but until a threat
becomes overt, perceived fear only
paralyzes one from living fully.
Also, enjoy the company of friends.
Likely the rapist is on a registered
sexual predator list. Make sure all
schools, churches, neighbors and
law enforcement knows his whereabouts.
Gun (handgun and shotgun and shooting lessons [but never say why, just say home defense]), martial arts/self-defense class, and if there’s a rape counseling/survivor group that doesn’t have its head up its ass and she feels comfortable joining it. Or any feminist womans group. The less isolated she is, the safer she is.
How close is this guy to her physically? Same town? Same county? As fucked up as this is, the best thing might just be to move again. It’s a big country (and a bigger world), lots of places where he isn’t.
For reasons I’m not going into, there is one man in my past whose continued existence makes me very very nervous. Unless he’s in hell, where he belongs, I’m not sure what I’d do if I ran into him somewhere. I think, or hope or something, that the chances of that happening are very slim. I’m not nineteen anymore, it was a long time ago, but the weird feelings never really go away.
My rapist has never been imprisoned, so I don’t know what to do when he goes free. Like BlamerNiece X, I moved to another state. If he also moved to TinaState, I would entertain long and loving fantasies of taking him apart with a baseball bat, but I’m not sure I’d do much beyond that.
I will have occasional deep flashes of guilt because I never prosecuted.
Move to another state? Join a support group? What the fuck is up with that shit? Do yourself and society at large a favor: Find someone to take care of the problem. Uh-huh, that’s right. Happens all the time. I’m not saying have the jerkwad killed (necessarily); just hire someone to fuck him up real good. Let HIM move to another state or join a support group, preferably after having been relieved of his genitals to ensure that his rapin’ days are over.
What’s that you say? Such a plan is immoral? Not a peaceable solution? You hate violence, don’t want to harm another living being, couldn’t live with the guilt, et cetera? Yeah, well. Look at it this way: You’d be rescuing the sack o’ shit from bringing onto himself even more bad karma than he already has.
Just my two cents. And I’m only half-joking here.
Rape is the most dehumanizing act one can perpetrate. My Great Aunt Bridy always told me that there is no justice for a woman who doesn’t own a big dog or a bigger gun.
Some people need dyin’ and other people ought do their best to help them along. So, my suggestions for aiding the fellow’s yet unknown journey to the hereafter would be as follows: a pack of starved dogs and a big stretch of woods, a good dose of poison resulting in the most painful but expedient death, or, if there truly is justice in the world, the sorry bastard would be locked in a room with a group of angry Blamers…
I like the way MzNicky thinks.
I think if the goal is that X should be, and feel, safe, or anyway safer than she feels now, counseling revenge is a mistake. I think taking revenge, lethal or sub-lethal, in person or by proxy, would probably put her in greater danger–from the rapist and from the law–than she’s in now. An organized, collective response (public denunciation, pasting his picture all over) might be less risky but would mean she’d be reliving the whole experience continually; talk about triggers, that would be a whole arsenal of ‘em. I sympathize with the frustration commenters express in these revenge ideas, but as I understand Twisty’s analysis of gender politics, which I share, the whole point is that this is a systematic, structural injustice; as my radical feminist family lawyer often tells her clients, “this is what patriarchy looks like when it’s happening to you.” No closure, no getting even, no happy ending.
That’s terrible. I’m very, truly sorry to the email-sender, buggle, TinaH, Ginger Mayerson, and lagusta. To every woman who hurts.
Eyes open, SpinsterNiece. Not paranoid, but make sure you’re aware if his proximity to you increases. I’d suggest a restraining order, but that would mean “outing” yourself as living in the same state if he doesn’t already know (entirely possible). Plus, if he “went free” after a court proceeding, then in the eyes of the law, he’s not a rapist, even if he is. Which sucks.
So, one thing you can do is make sure that everyone around you who cares about you knows that Rapist has moved nearby. That way, if you need to escalate, you won’t have to fuck around for weeks establishing a context. And your friends can help watch your back.
And self-defense, not just for the techniques, but also for the confidence, which will help you get through the day-to-day.
Bottom line: do whatever it takes to protect your person and your sanity.
I like the idea of public shaming, as rootlesscosmo suggests, but I’m afraid that would put this woman in even more danger. The chances of the rapist moving to the same town as his victim by pure chance are almost nil. He must be aware that she’s there, and any public attention drawn to him will make him want to take revenge on her.
I would go for the gun, frequent target practice, martial arts classes, and a home security system. Of course, all of those require money–the P’s tax on women who try to stay safe.
The other things that might help X feel safer are having roommates and commuting to work with a group. She could also have a standing arrangement with a close friend or relative–someone trustworthy–to call every night by 11 pm and say, “I’m safe.” If the call didn’t come, the trustworthy friend would check into X’s whereabouts and call the police if necessary.
I whish I had something useful to say. But the only idea that comes to my mind is doing something crazy that will shock society, like claiming asylum in some European Country. Not only will she be far from the rapist, she would draw a lot of attention to HER case and “the” case. How many people from AMERICA claim asylum somewhere else?
Just adding my two “half” pence. For what is worth, I whish her all the best. She’s being really strong, it’s admirable.
I’m not a lawyer, but I’m pretty sure that hiring someone to assault someone, assault anyone, for any reason will land you in prison for quite a while on accessory after the fact and/or conspiracy to commit a felony charges. Anyone remember Tonya Harding? Anyone see “Fargo”? Nobody ever gets away with it; the thugs always get caught, they turn state’s evidence, the person who hired them goes to jail with them. It’s a nice fantasy, but it’s just not worth the risk. There are problems in a woman’s life and then there is womens prison, which is a whole other level of problems in a woman’s life, like really horrible health, economic and social problems, not to mention being so truly at the mercy of the Patriarchy as to be buried alive. I’d much rather join a therapy group, learn kung fu or move to another state than go to prison over some fucked-up man, and I’m not kidding at all.
Of course IBTP.
I am torn on the survivor-buys-gun-and-gets-her-life-back scenario. On the one hand, it would be so satisfying to shoot the asshole if he comes at you again, but then you have to live with that trauma as well. Is it so much to ask that women be able to live their lives in peace without participating in the kind of violence that victimizes them in the first place?
Correction: “my radical feminist family lawyer friend.” (I’m not represented by counsel.)
If she’s in my city and state (or reasonably close), I’d be happy to follow him around and make sure he’s not checking up on her. A free-lance, cost-free private eye.
Maybe if we all get angry enough, our blamer mind rays will make him burst into flames if he has the least little thought of harming her in any way, shape, or form.
I don’t know if I have any good ideas, but I would try to look for some other feminists and talk to them for emotional support and maybe do some activism work. If the legal system fails to help her, she might at least feel better if she helps someone else.
If you’re feeling radical, find his car and spray-paint the word “rapist” on it.
http://www.killsometime.com/Pictures/images/CheatingHusband.jpg
I don’t know if this would help or hurt, but she could use a social networking site like friendster or myspace to keep up on his activities and location(s). Just set up a dummy identity on these sites (definitely not her own!) and use it to search for him.
Considering I’ve had those sites used by an ex to stalk/harass me, let us women use it to reverse-stalk, yes?
That was my thought too, Jodie.
If she can afford it some professional stalking is in order. Usually the reason rapists relocate is because the want a fresh start for their activities, rather than a fresh start leaving their activities behind. The thing the men seem to fear, just slightly less than being raped themselves, is that everyone will know what they did. When the men talk about charging a perp with rape they are ever so concerned that it will damage his reputation and his ability to find future victims.
I recommend counseling, martial arts training, and flyers posted everywhere. That is as close to justice as women are allowed to get in the patriarchy.
I’m sad and sorry and wishing I somehow had an answer. I want a world where this doesn’t happen, where women are safe, or at least one where rapists go to jail and never hurt women again.
In the absence of that, I think self-defense training is important. But more than that, having good friends around looking out for you is probably vital. And taking all the precautions possible to be aware of your surroundings and not put yourself in a situation where it’s easy for him to get you.
But then that sounds like victim blaming somehow, like if she does all that and he attacks her, then she’s failed.
I wish somehow there was an answer that made it all okay. And I really wish there was a way to take away all that pain.
I’m pretty sure that hiring someone to assault someone, assault anyone, for any reason will land you in prison for quite a while on accessory after the fact and/or conspiracy to commit a felony charges… Anyone see “Fargo”? Nobody ever gets away with it; the thugs always get caught, they turn state’s evidence, the person who hired them goes to jail with them.
Not necessarily, and certainly not always. Ever seen “The Sopranos”?
Is it so much to ask that women be able to live their lives in peace without participating in the kind of violence that victimizes them in the first place?
So it would seem.
I don’t know what it’s like to live after rape; however I do know something about living in the same state as the man who tried to murder me. Lucky for both of us the gun jammed and it’s harder than you think to strangle someone. He plead guilty and served time for aggravated battery with a deadly weapon and armed robbery, a paltry 4 years.
I can tell you, that feeling of looking over your shoulder never goes away and the best thing I ever did was get a cell phone. I go everywhere with my cell phone either in my pocket or in my hand. Even while in the bath tub the cell sits next to the shampoo. It has GPS, so if I dial 911 the cops can locate me even if I dial and drop it back into my purse. This is my security blanket and it helps put my mind at ease. That’s all I’ve got, I refuse to get a gun, I have a three year old.
Hiring goons is not something that should be done if she’s not willing to go to jail over it, that much is true. If she was going to go berserk on him, the time to have done that would have been instantly after finding out he was in the state, so that the jury could sympathize with the poor woman driven mad by being forcibly reminded of a tragic event. Any revenge less than insanity driven bloodlust might seem a bit shrill, strident, even, when it comes time for sentencing, which is unfortunate but SpinsterX has to work in the patriarchy she’s in, not the patriarchy she wants.
If Spinster X should choose to move, she should probably contact the police or FBI first, when it no longer matters that she’s outing her address. That way she’ll have an official paper trail should he coincidentally end up in her next state, and proof that she was aware of him first and believed that she had reason to be concerned.
I’m generally anti-gun, but since she apparently has leisure to train with it properly, it might not be the worst idea. A roommate and or a large, barky dog would be good ideas as well.
with me, it’s been 4 1/2 years. something that helps me now, is that i know that he was on a bad road anyway. he was my and my ex-friends drug dealer, after all, and a liar, an addict, a manipulator, all that stuff that often goes along with it. i have panic attacks from time to time, but i think about how it must feel to live like that. i mean, i have lied, manipulated, and used drugs, and all that feels REALLY crappy. I felt like a piece of shit, even before he raped me. this guy has taken all of those qualities to the extreme, and he must feel WAY crappier than i do. and it doesn’t make me feel happy, but it makes me feel a little more at peace, knowing that he is creating his own hell for himself, and he’s the only one responsible. I thought I was going through hell for about 3 years after the two rapes, but I’m sure that he is feeling a lot worse than me right now, and it’s his own doing.
He has ruined his own life, and is probably continuing to ruin it. I got my shit together, quit abusing drugs and got in control of my life, and that is all I can do. We are only in control of ourselves, and we alone can create our own sadness and happiness. This makes me feel proud of myself. And it helps me through the times when I wish I had called the police, wonder if he ever got caught for all his shit, and get pissed off at news stories about they way women are abused in the courtroom and most other places.
Something that I think would help others (as opposed to just myself) is talking about this stuff when we get a chance. The stigma makes it so much worse, but we do have some control over how ashamed we feel. Tell your friends, tell your family, tell your support groups, tell your congresswoman.
Oh yeah, hopefully she can get a protective order. In my work experience, the law does not crack down on rapists, but they can on people who violate protective orders because it’s easier to prove.
How about combining a few of these fabulous ideas? Like, say, a skillfully placed round of buckshot to his scrotum from a concealed position?
Losing his genitals won’t prevent him from wanting to attack her again. Rape isn’t about genitals or sex, it’s about power and abuse.
Get a gun. Learn how to use it. Make a few friends you trust enough that you could show up at any hour of the clock and ask to stay over, no questions asked. Get a large, loud dog.
What’s the opposite of reacting? Acting.
Go on the attack. Don’t know how, when or where, but focus on getting him without getting caught. Hurt him until he is either dead or so frightened he runs away. Frame him, get him ostracized, get him fired. Plant drugs in his house and get him busted.
Also, for herself, get a dog, a big one. And get that gun and learn to shoot it. Those efforts alone will cheer her up. While she’s at the shooting range getting in target practice, make some friends. Once the guys at the shooting range get to know and like her, they are just the kind of guys who would be happy to go to the rapist’s house and beat him senseless for her. My sister and I both know guys who would and have done that for us when other men threatened us.
As a related aside, I really liked this movie. J Lopez plays a woman backed into a corner by a wealthy abusive husband and honey, she fights back and kicks some butt. http://www.amazon.com/Enough-Jennifer-Lopez/dp/B00006HAWN/ref=pd_bbs_sr_3/002-7313244-9587212?ie=UTF8&s=dvd&qid=1193881713&sr=1-3
The thing about the goons and hits and whatever else? This isn’t TV or the movies. Some of us have actually had to live through that very scenario after some asshole raped us, and the thuggery - for which we would have been at least indirectly responsible - was as much a product of the patriarchy as the rape.
Not helpful, in my experience. Without even needing to get into any of the deep philosophizing about karma or whatever other co-opted crap is added to the weight survivors of rape are already asked to carry and examine and work through, Spinster X, I would guess, needs more angst of this kind about as much as she needs her rapist in her state.
I don’t know, I shouldn’t presume. Maybe that would give her relief. All I can say is that it didn’t help me to be put in the position of having life and death power over my rapist thanks to the mob ex-boyfriend blah blah (and, of course, having to implicitly ‘prove’ that it had been non-consentual by authorizing his action, which I refused to do). It simply upped the level of responsibility I was already carrying for what someone else did to me, against my will, and upped the amount of things I had to figure out and work through and live through when all I really had it in me to do was sit in my locked house and stare at the wall while my friends checked in from time to time to put a stupid movie in the VCR or put a plate of food in front of me.
Yes, five years on from the rape, Spinster X may be in a psychic condition to be more proactive than I was in the immediate aftermath when the thuggery option was imposed.
Also, yes, martial arts is good.
What was best? The cop who knew I would lose the case (because I showered, because I waited a week before going to the cops, etc. etc. details details) deported the rapist’s ass anyway. Illegally. By ’suggestion.’ By making it clear, completely under the legal table, that he needed to get away from me, and stay that way.
Several years later, my studies brought me to the rapist’s country and city, and I walked around in fear the whole damn time.
Had he remained in my town, or followed me to another town, it would have been much worse.
Now, it’s 17 years later, and a bunch of martial arts training later, and I can say I don’t have fear.
I hope Spinster X finds a better solution than time and taking the practical steps toward moving through the world with a legitimate sense of ability to defend oneself from harm if necessary. I didn’t.
I do not think it could hurt to see if there is a collaboration between the local rape crisis center/violence prevention program(s) and the police department. If the cops have been trained decently, she may be able to go to them, say “I was raped by this man in X year and he is here now, I was not able to press charges successfully as is true for most women, and I would like to know if there is anything you can do, or if I should make a record of my concerns, or if you have other suggestions.” If they’ve had any good training at all, this could be helpful.
If they haven’t, this will suck. But she could go with some support, and maybe someone like me (in my public health professional hat) will have trained the cops she goes to see, and they may be able to help her, whether formally or informally, in a way that actually makes her safer and does not add to her burden of risk and responsibility.
Same goes with the gun. What, he stalks her, she shoots him, she goes to jail? Great. That helps her a lot. Improves her quality of life immeasurably.
Fuck.
Don’t mean to get all sarcastic here, it just inflames me to no end that the options given even here all lead to more trauma and the potential of massive legal problems for Spinster X. To hell with that. This is the rapist’s problem, and the problem of the failed legal system. Keep it their problem.
Will they handle it well? It is extremely unlikely, but perhaps. Will they handle it at all? Maybe, maybe not. But there will be a record, which strengthens her legal position if he does stalk her in the new city.
Anyway.
Sending Spinster X, via Twisty or if she reads this, all empathy and best wishes for finding a supported way to live wherever the hell she wants to live, free of fear and harm.
Wish I had something more useful to say.
here’s what i can think of, spinster niece x:
1. establish the ol’ social network & get everyone in on it. let people know where you’ll be, generally, at what times. get a routine where people see you regularly, so if something happens and you don’t call, they’ll notice your absence. tell your boss and mom and friends and trainer and babysitter and ANYONE who you see regularly who he is, what he looks like and not to say anything about you if he comes around trying to find you.
2. get roommate(s), deadbolt(s), dog(s), alarm, etc. at home, where you should always feel safe (if you can). can’t afford a security system? rig up some cheap cameras instead.
3. get into some kind of self defense program, punching is good but packing is better (i think). anyways, owning and knowing how to use a weapon can be an empowering feeling, if it’s done right. remember gun safety & a good lock though too.
3a. counseling, support group, feminist extracurricular hangouts–yes these are all great ideas! the more people you can discuss it frankly with, the stronger you are.
4. get a contact at the police station — in other words find out exactly who you’d need to go to and how’d you go about it, if you needed to enlist the police to help. have all this information ready so that if something happens you can be focused and not waste any time.
5. if he’s in the sex offender registry, totally exploit that to your biggest advantage. call up the schools and churches he lives near. inform them. say you’re a concerned citizen. tell businesses (and perhaps residences) by leaving flyers. maybe you can make him feel so unwelcome he’ll just move right out of the state again.
6. make yourself as unstalkable as possible. get off of online networking sites (if you use profiles that are supposed to be *you*), get your address out of the public record, out of the voting registry, out of the phone book, out of any current or previous school/work directories. also get your information out of the hands of folks you don’t really know or former acquaintances that are closer to him than to you. if they know where you live, send a note informing them you moved to mislead them. if you don’t want to stay in touch it can’t hurt, right? for other anti stalking help, go here: http://www.antistalking.com/victim.htm (it’s a great resource.)
7. if you have children or a new boyfriend or girlfriend or spouse or whatever, make sure they take some or all of the same precautions you do, because they also might be targets.
I asked my friend Misogynist Mike what she should do, and he basically said (in different language) that since women are the property of men, she should find some guy who would like to own her and who will do anything to protect his property from other guys just like him.
I asked another friend of mine who has been raped how he got over it, and he told me that since he didn’t know his attacker it had never been an issue for him. But he seemed to understand the basic idea that this woman was crazy, obsessive, damaged-goods style afraid and that this feeling was not going away easily.
All I can think of is money. Hiring a private eye to find out what he’s up to could cost the minimum of whatever they charge, since it could be found out discreetly by anyone. Hiring an attorney to bring him to civil justice for stalking her could end up with his wages garnished in that state, which could convince him to move elsewhere if he’s not violently inclined.
There’s a horrid truth behind any scenario anyone can think of that reveals the truth behind what feminists believe and the world in general tries so hard to deny: Women are victims without redress in this society. TV movies of the week and the 24-hour parade of movies on Lifetime speak to it as well.
The only difference between feminists and normal people who think about this problem is that feminist rightly blame the men and the culture that trained them to be inhuman beasts and normal people have no idea who to blame except maybe the woman for not finding a man to claim her as his property and then defend that property.
Aside from rape, does she know if this guy has done anything illegal? And I mean really minor infractions, like giving a little pot to a friend or floating a check. If so, she could make him the target of a drug or white collar criminal investigation. Those things are an absolute nightmare — and you can rest assured that if he does anything even mildly questionable*, he’ll be given an astronomical sentence.
*Aside from rape. We all know how much the authorities care about that.
Love it, Theriomorph & TP.
Can we help her on her terms? In my read:
1.) Tactical.
- What kinds of common items can be carried for easy self-defense? (Such as a pointy nail file, pen, even an alcohol-based hand-sanitizer that would burn the eyes.) More?
- How can she approach these friends you speak of? What are examples of phrases you might use to pull in your support structure people when you need them, but you don’t want to say exactly why (because you can’t, or because we live in a patriarchal society, or because yelling Fire! gets the response yelling Help! doesn’t)? For example, I might say, “I need you to help me be more aware of my surroundings. Don’t let me get hit by any cars today, Sam.” More?
- What can she say/do if she runs into him, likely not by choice or by chance? “Excuse me,” open cell phone, dial 911, and talk about the weather at the street address she’s at? What else?
2.) Strategic.
- In America, as we all know, conviction rates for sexual and domestic violence are exceedingly low; but for grand theft auto, conviction rates are much more satisfying. So, for example, if you know the offender likes to steal cars, can you get him busted for that to eliminate the immediate threat? This gets back to hiring a PI perhaps, but probably at a cheaper cost since his/her goal would be more focused. (Naturally, you’d need to tailor to the individual’s vices…)
- Share files (if she’s got ‘em — lots of victims don’t) with local entities like women’s groups or police? It certainly seems difficult to even theoretically negotiate this kind of strategy without significantly compromising the privacy that underpins the security that is undermined by interpersonal violence!
- If there are no local women’s groups known to her, and no local PD with sexual/domestic violence-specific training, who else can she approach in an official/quasi-official vein to create this paper trail others have mentioned?
- More?
I can only come with experience of harassment and rape threats from when I was a teenager, so whether my advice is useful I don’t know. What was important in changing my situation back then was showing that the majority were on my side, and that every time something bad happened to me, something bad happened to the harassers, to the point where the negative feedback was enough to discourage them. At the teenager level, this was hard enough already, even with authority figures and friends on my side. That being said, it’s the closest to an ‘active’ stance I can think of, short of violence.
The first step was to get as much information as possible about my harassers. As spinsterniece’s letter seems to suggest, she doesn’t know very much about what he’s doing there. Use the internet, get someone with good social engineering skills or a PI to find out what they can about him. You can then target your response more appropriately.
Secondly, build good social networks, not just for the purposes of support. Look for people who are connected to people he encounters, businesses he uses etc, who can persuade these people that he’s not worth interacting with. People are going to listen to the opinions of their friends far more than anonymous letters, flyers or phone calls (though those can help), and it adds an extra degree of separation. In the best scenario, his boss is a sympathetic type willing to transfer him to another city. That’s very unlikely. What you’re doing is running a bad PR campaign against him, or hopefully, your sympathetic friends are running it for you.
Depending on how you feel about his possible reaction, you could make a website about his rapes, get feminist blogs to help googlebomb it to the top of the results page for his name. Of course, this only works if his name is uncommon enough.
Make sure you have a phone with a camera, in case you see him in the street. It was only when I got a picture of my harassers that people started taking me seriously.
The individual who beat and raped me for 2.5 years never faced a law enforcement official over it– not even when he moved in to the building next to mine after I ran away from him, an intentional move on his part.
This idea that rapists belong in prison makes my head hurt. Damn near every dude on the planet is a rapist! As remarkable as the U.S. prison industrial complex may be, it is entirely unequipped to deal with the jailing of half this nation’s denizens. I refuse to believe that prison is the solution, though it can be a band-aid for those out-of-control serial-stalker-rapist situations.
The solution to rape is not one that will ever be brought about under capitalism, as it involves the recognition of women as agentive, sentient humans. I don’t expect that to happen during my lifetime, so I just wear my KILL YOUR RAPIST shirt and never go anywhere without a big knife in my pocket.
How about looking for information through commercial sites for affordable and helpful stuff. I’m thinking look for his new address, employment, historical and current. Toss the psychological type profiling, it’s hopeless-I thought so anyway, not feminist friendly. Go real time. Definitley get the dog if affordable, big’s better but loud and trainable is great too. Go to a women’s shelter(s) rape crisis for advice, not merely a therapy or couselling group. (or do both), because they can point you in the direction of cheap or free legal advice, get you up to speed on your state’s current laws, MUCH more usable to reduce the lack of control she has (not “feels”, has) without this information.
If there’s a around college normal enough to have a women’s studies department, it couldn’t hurt to see if they offer sound current information verbal and written. Ohh and the wonderful combo of women’s studies AND law! Squeeze some counselling/advice out of them, even if you have to enroll.
Don’t lock yourself up just researching- actually calling people or meeting with them gets you better advice and a lot of encouragement.
Physically surround yourself with the ALL the local women who know some of the in’s and out’s. Take it in steps, and it takes less time than learning gun ownership or martial arts (both of these are on my X-mas list).
I’m trying (hopefully tomorrow) to leave a nasty abusive relationship (Happy Halloween! Scary day.). I’ve e-mailed every slightly supportive woman I know, just to say “head’s up”. I was shocked to find human resources had a “private” women’s shelter-apartments for “aftercare”. Nice to know! She lives there. She should get know the state and the networks like the back of her hand, and everytime she moves.
And for the future, after this guy is less to no threat because he’s a fuckwad who won’t be bothered to know ANYTHING about her resources and he’ll step on his dick, and she’ll be there to laugh. He thinks he’s protected by his father’s patriarchy, thinks fear can freeze you or make you waste away thinking of violent things you will not do, ever.
Basic safety first, before any networking-get (even stick-on) alarms on the doors and windows, get good lighting, motion sensor, find out his declared location (1 hour away, 4 hours, it’s important and reduces my fear). I don’t know what kind of rapist he is (basic, not profiling), but there’s workplace violence policies sometimes that let you alert them, and they put some kind of plan in place if even documentation and letting security know (if they have security). I don’t know how much documentation women’s shelters provide, but get your name on any list they have. FBI and domestic violence unit (if there is one) at the local PD. File an order of protection if you can. And every week keep putting a little money into checking out his background and current info. Keep all your friends updated. Strenthen those relationships.
I just gotta say again, dogs are great for chasing away the fear. Even better, if you can’t afford both, than a firearm.
This is such a horrible situation. My thoughts:
Myspace stalking may give a sense of security but it’s kind of inadequate. You need to be able to get some real info on him, his whereabouts and activities. I no longer subscribe to the idea of just letting things go, but you absolutely need to not draw attention to yourself.
If the police in your town are fairly alright dudes, I would try causally talking to an officer about it. If you’re friendly with the police it really helps your situation, especially if they know the background. I’m sure there would be a few who would be happy to try to spend some extra time in your vicinity or spread the word to other police officers to keep an eye out for a certain guy. They might also be able to run some info checks for you or alert the police in the area he’s currently living in. This should be standard practice, but the police really can bump surveillance up a notch if they have a personal connection to you.
A gun is probably a good idea, sadly enough, at least an unloaded or training one. Martial arts can definitely build confidence, but they really aren’t as effective for real life self defense situations as one would like to think, especially with an armed assailant or multiple assailants. It actually annoys me that they give women a false sense of security in a lot of self defense classes. If you do go for a martial art, I would recommend Krav Maga, which is designed for real combat rather than aesthetics or strength or fitness.
As for the myspace/facebook thing, if he’s stalking you via the internet, it can be really helpful to give some hints on there that you have big dudes around. I know this is so buying into the patriarchy, but I make it known in subtle ways that I have a close male friend who carries a gun and is skilled in how to use it and is very attached to me. Yes, this is highly blameworthy, but I don’t care. I’m not at the point where I carry one myself, but if I saw any signs of my ex reentering my vicinity I would probably make a few fake blog posts about taking up shooting with my friend and the new piece I had bought or something.
The only thing I can think of to add is that the women’s shelter or rape crisis line would likely be able to give her the name of a good person to speak to at the police department (either in her town or the one where the rapist lives). I’m not totally sure that the police are going to be able to do much, but anyone who knows anything about rape will understand why she’s concerned–so the trick is to make sure that the person she speaks to *does* know something about rape and related issues. In a police department of any size, chances are there’s at least one officer who’s reasonably well informed, so if she knows who to ask for, she can be sure that she speaks to that one instead of taking her chances. If she can’t get a name from a shelter or hotline, she could also start with the victim/witness advocate, if the police department is big enough to have one.
I apologize if this sentiment has already been expressed. This is a difficult topic for me so I was unable to read all the comments. Here were my immediate thoughts when you asked what she should do.
Just live. Most of our rapists were never prosecuted. Many were never even confronted. You can only win if you keep on living and really there is nothing else to do. Just live.
Do we want honesty or feel-good lines? I’m afraid I, being chronically short on dishonest fake-happy feel-good lines, am usually labeled a defeatist, pessimistic loser who “wallows in victimhood.” Alas, I can only tell the unhappy truth as I know it.
My rapist has gone free - I never even bothered to call the law - blame it on the shortsightedness of a 13 year old. What did I do? Lived in fear, mostly. Since, like most rape victims, I am related to my rapist, I was expected to continue to maintain pleasant family relations with him. Since I refused, I was blamed for being sullen and ungrateful. My requests not to give my personal contact information to my rapist was ignored by the rest of the family since clearly I was just lying for attention/to cause trouble. Therefore in order to avoid the terror-filled prospect of him calling or showing up on my doorstep any old time he felt he was entitled to beg me to stop “spreading lies” about him and to just “put the past behind us” (although he claims he isn’t even sure what has me so “angry”), I have been required to cut ties completely with my entire family. There is not one single family member who will not betray me to my rapist, should they find out any detail about where I live or what I’m doing, in the interest of doing “what is best for the family”, by which they mean forcing a “reconciliation” that would consist of my abject apologies for having told the truth and the “normalization” of my relationship with my rapist - hugging him, smiling at him, visiting with him and the rest of the family on holidays, etc.
I suppose I could have, at some point, pointlessly sought legal action. Since all physical evidence was long gone by the time I was an adult, it was a matter of my word against his and the entire family’s, all of whom were willing to vouch in court that he was the most amazing man ever and I was just an unstable, vengeful liar. Plus then the judge would have asked why I waited so long to press charges. Now the Statute of limitations is past.
I’m a little short on advice myself. But I have a whole lot of bitter.
While some or all of these solutions may help this victim and/or punish this perpetrator, it does nothing to solve the rape epidemic that the entire world is suffering from. In western nations, too, rape victims often suffer in silence, because of shame, fear or lack of responds from legal systems.
I like Twisty’s thought on this: “One of the most insidious is its assertion that women are in a perpetual state of ‘consent’ unless they specify in front of 147 witnesses that they have withdrawn it.”
People don’t often think about rape until it is happening to them or someone they know. Wouldn’t a large scale protest help, with banners saying: “SILENCE IS NOT CONSENT!” This would at least make people aware. This would force them to face the facts. Perhaps it will also influence laws to make the suffering less for victims and help prevent rape. Feminism is becoming a quiet movement. It’s time that we are heard again.
Ofcourse some goals need to be set and plans need to be made, before any of this is possible.
I always enjoy gazing at this picture:
http://katipo.net.nz/stanselen/?p=66
It’s only vaguely related, but it’s fun.
I have had the thought that women should all take some sort of self-defense training. Those model mugging ones look pretty good because you get to practice kicking the crap out of an attacker while your friends cheer. I’m afraid of guns because those are so easily taken away.
Aside from lasting physical trauma, or even death, the highest crime of a rape is the lack of control one feels when unable to protect gainst an assault.
Spinster Neice X: You need to find ways to gain control of your life that allow you to engage in life without constant fear. Vigilance yes, vigilantism, no.
As woman we all have to deal with the truth that we never know when an attack may come or from whom. Every man is a potential threat to our safety and should be treated as such. This is a truth that one cannot escape and one should accept as a fact that presently we do not have the power to change and may never change, but to identify one’s enemy is the beginning of proper strategy to protect oneself and deter any potential harm in the future.
One thing for sure, most predators go for easy targets. They look for a trusting attitude, one with faith in people’s goodness from the start, someone who isn’t considering the possibility of being a target.
Whether the particular attacker you know is one mile or one hundred miles away is almost a moot point. Truth is that other unknown attackers or assaulters are everywhere, they are someone else’s secret, not divulged to you; possibly a predator who has not yet stepped over the line or been caught. Therefore, to obsess on this one individual is to lose the whole game in a sense, you need to be aware that a woman must be aware and take measures with attitude and action, to first deter a potential attack or violation, secondly, to act swiftly and with confidence at the first instance that she is aware a violation may occur. This takes attitude, practice and resolution, but I believe all women can do this.
I was a victim more than once, in different situations. It took me years to undo the damage done to me by growing up in a household that taught me that blind obedience and good natured trust would keep me safe. The irony was that such instruction kept me ripe for further abuse and violation and also kept me thinking that I was the responsible party for the violation or abuse having occurred. Of course, that’s no accident!
The only thing we’re responsible for is protecting ourselves the best we can, which can be many different ways and strategies at any given time. Trusting yourself, not trusting others and making sure your boundaries are clear is the first start.
I agree with MzNicky, however well meaning, support groups do not foster direct action, oftentimes only enabling the continuation of a sense of powerlessness and victimhood.
We were victims once when the violation happened, it is important to not allow the violation to victimize us forever. My theory is that we have the ability to control how long we will be victimized in our mind. Obsessing about the attack and the abuser in my mind, only fosters further the sense of powerlessness that was felt at the time of the attack.
Conversely, dealing with the factors at play and accepting that we did what we could to stay alive and then turning that sense of powerlessness once felt into taking control and power for the present and the future is the best way to heal.
Having the resolve that one will be diligent and vigilant to the best of one’s ability without hampering one’s ability to enjoy life is important. If we can’t do that, then the abusers and violators have won by proxy.
I know for myself, I am resolved that any threat or action taken against me or those I care about will result in serious harm to them, if not death, period. There are some men, who have been surprised to learn this, you wouldn’t believe their surprise! I haven’t killed anyone, but I sure as hell would if I had to, believe me. Sometimes I nurture that resolve, other times I have to temper it from consuming me, but it is important that it is there.
I hope I make some sense.
Also, might I add that legally, you may put yourself at some risk for a lawsuit if you go about ‘informing’ neighbors or others within the public of the perp’s whereabouts. Different states have different manner of following Megan’s Law, its good to know what your locality has for policy and also possibly a good idea to discuss with them the predator’s presence, if they don’t already know, they may appreciate knowing.
I know that not informing directly in the community is counter to common sense, but then, this system doesn’t protect women, it protects predators and abusers. In addition, vigilantism, as attractive as it is (I can’t say I don’t harbor such fantasies) should remain as a fantasy. There’s nothing wrong with fantasizing yourself as a combatant, running through scenarios of taking attack, but unless you are damn certain you can show it as a defensive action, I’d not move beyond the realm of fantasy. It ain’t worth ten or twenty years and a felony conviction, much less the embarrassment of being portrayed as an insane woman on revenge. Again, we live in a system that favors men abusers over women victims.
If an abuser directly threatens you with direct bodily harm, attempts to enter your house you have the right to take action.
If you have a gun, intend to use it when you must — fire often until the target is either down or gone. Fire first as soon as the intruder is at least halfway in your house, DO NOT hesitate or allow the attacker/intruder enough time or proximity to get the gun from you. If you are wary of shooting and killing someone with a gun, don’t have one as it will only serve as a tool for them to use on you.
Keep your kitchen knives off the counter and in a drawer, not out in the open where an intruder can grab one.
Get a dog and go through obedience training, including guard dog training, make that dog your right arm.
Get a roommate if possible, get a male roommate if you can find one you can trust, although not the best option unless carefully considered (as far as who holds the power in the live-in relationship), attackers will often avoid a cock fight.
Get an alarm system if you can– Radio Shack even offers cheap sensors that will sound off if a door or window is opened.
Be aware of your surroundings at all times and let people you trust know that you have a potential stalker. Be a bitch and mean it, look like you would kill any bastard who threatened you, that alone will often deter a lot of them.
DON’t put out a restraining order or other indicators of 1) your fear 2) your location, until you are sure that a predator is stalking/tracking you. And don’t depend on restraining orders to do much for you, psychopaths have no respect or fear of the law.
Do what some have said by taking self defense lessons and such. Its not a cure-all, but at the very least it will boost your self confidence and also teach you some offensive/defensive strategies and techniques.
I hope some of these suggestions help. I wish I could do more, but frankly, I think you have all the tools you need within yourself to do what you must.
This may all sound a bit naive, and it’s purely an armchair suggestion, but I think that the key is to do things that make X feel safer and more in control that do not have to do with the rapist.
This is partly and unfortunately because this rapist isn’t the only rapist out there and because all the revenge strategies give power to the rapist because he becomes the focus of her attention more than he already is.
Sure it feels good to think of great ways to fuck with him. But our society tends to look upon vengeful women pretty poorly and in the end it probably won’t be more than fantasies.
Besides all the great ideas for physical security from kate I would also suggest making allies with women’s organizations and support people like therapists to make X stronger and less focussed on rapist instead of more so.
Of course that’s not always easy or the total answer, but it’s probably the best there is.
IBTP.
I see someone suggested having an unloaded gun on hand. I totally disagree. If you point a gun at someone, you had better be ready to use it and often as soon as you point it as a gun in someone’s face accelerates the nature of the situation — in the attacker’s mind and your safety. Have a gun, be prepared to use immediately when you know the threat exists and without hesitation and until the job is done.
Like Amananta, I must continue to play nice with my abusers. I would like to move, but don’t have the resources to do so. I spend much of my time angry that I am the touble maker for not keeping my mouth shut. To spinster x, I would recommend talking to the group who run the local womens shelter. They not only will give counseling, but offer moral as well as legal support. I also recommend Krav Maga. It’s on my Christmas list too.
the basics of krav Maga are (stolen from wikipedia)
Neutralize the threat
Avoid injury
Go from defending to attacking as quickly as possible
Use the body’s natural reflexes
Strike at any vulnerable point
Use any tool or object nearby
According to a description written for the self-publication media site Associated Content, the basic premises of Krav Maga are: [1]
You’re not going to care how much damage you’re going to cause.
Cause as much damage as possible and run.
Do not try and prolong a fight. Do what needs to be done and escape.
go here http://www.krav-maga.com/, or here http://www.kravmaga.com/krav01.html for more info
Argh, what a horrid situation for SpinsterNiece. I’ll second the dog and private-eye recommendations, as well as networking with the police and local women’s shelter.
I just finished reading “The Gift of Fear,” which has a lot of useful information on dealing with threatening and potentially threatening people. It would be worth checking out just for the list of pre-incident indicators and ideas on how to profile exactly how much of a threat someone poses. That might allow SN to get a better read on her rapist in particular and on everyone else, too. (FWIW, I have a special place in my heart for the author b/c in his book on child and teen safety, “Protecting the Gift,” he talks about how women and kids are trained to serve the patriarchy at the expense of their personal safety, and how to overcome that.)
Like kate, I would recommend against keeping an unloaded gun “for show.” Once an attacker knows it’s not loaded — and he will if you don’t shoot him — it’s easy for him to take it away from you and use it as a cudgel.
“The Gift of Fear” is a great book, and otherwise I guess I’d agree with what Dr. Steph had to say. Vigilantism makes for a nice fantasy, but having to go to prison over someone like this would just compound the overwhelming injustice of it all.
Although I understand where the folks who’ve suggested a gun as an answer are coming from, I have to say this is a bad idea for several reasons: 1) as someone already mentioned, a gun can be easily taken away and used against you, 2) as most rapists are known to the victim, I think most victims would be hesitant to shoot their “friend” or an aquaintance, let alone a supposed partner or lover, 3) AND we all know how much the justice system gives women who’re “using the rape defense” a break–it’s incredibly likely she would be prosecuted if she knew the perpetrator, and 4) even in the unlikely event of a breaking in and entering your home serial rapist (we have one of these in my hometown right now), your gun won’t do you any good unless it’s on your person at all times, especially if you’re ambushed or attacked while sleeping. And in many of the serial rapist type scenarios, he’s already armed, so best case scenario is she out-draws him and kills him instantly, otherwise it seems more likely he will escalate his violence against her because afterall, her self-defense is impinging upon his privilege.
In terms of stopping him reoffending (easily at any rate), why not paper his local area (bars, billboards etc.) outing him as a rapist, with details of the type he goes for and how he sets it up.
Similarly set up facebook groups, myspace groups etc. outing him. Not his address say, as that could lead to physical attacks on him, but his description and a warning to women around him to watch out and not be alone with him, and to run if he approaches them in public.
According to the salty old Chicago cops I know, anyone who tries to hire a thug without benefit of a. immense wealth or b. pre-existing criminal connections, ends up soliciting an undercover officer. So, if you don’t know how to put out a hit already, you shouldn’t try.
Beyond that caution, I have no first or second hand experience of what works. Still, I feel that SN should try to create a protective information imbalance- find out everything she can about X while staying off his radar. Fliering his street or torching his car is only just, but it will start the kind of dogfight a woman can’t win. Right now, there’s still a chance that he doesn’t know she’s there.
I’ve never hired one, but I’m sort of into the idea of a private eye. A skilled, sympathetic pro can tail X for a time, and either satisfy SN that he’s not after her, or collect sufficient information for an informed action, or even (and this gets into fantasy territory,) collect evidence of use for future prosecutions. A detective, or a lawyer, could also give good advice about how/to what extent to involve local law inforcement. Combine this with all of the quiet defensive options mentioned in the above thread, and I think SN would have a good start.
This would be expensive, but delegating it to a friend might be dangerous for the friend, and too easily traced back to you. Perhaps your friend network can contribute financially? I know I would. It also depends on finding a skilled, sympathetic professional- and I just have no idea. Anyone have the number of a radical feminist detective?
I had not thought of the fact that an order of protection would alert him to you. Another idea- If he is the type to break the law (the kinds people care about, like theft, forgery, etc.), do an occasional warrant search on him. If you find one, let the cops know anonymously where they can pick him up. Crossing state lines can mean avoidance of a warrant.
The gun issue is a hot one. Men as a group are the gun owners- hell, they collect them and show them off and play with them at shooting ranges. Why is it so dangerous and “revengeful” for a woman to have one, a person who HAS been attacked before, not just all the man hunters, military members, farmers, and bad ass “causal collectors?”. I am so pissed that I am told (no offense to advice above) that if I get a gun, “you damn well be ready to use it little lady”, that some odd percentage of gun injury and death happen because of a gun being used against the owner (read female). COME THE FUCK ON. Aside from the fact that we are bombarded with movies that show a woman screaming and dropping a gun, shaking violently, their peaceful loving consciences making them “hesitiate”.. media stories and movies. Check out what context those “warning” gun death stats are coming from. There are women who hunt, compete, and own guns for every reason. Self protection is taboo.
It’s a GUN. It’s legal. It’s a thing that’s simpler to learn than boiling a 3 minute egg, mechanically. If you have cheap alarms and lights and a dog, and a nice strip of property surrounding your residence, he is not getting close enough to disarm you, or even talk you down. Call cops, then shoot. I don’t care where you shoot if he’s outside, it’s going to make him shit himself, because he watches the same movies and will not expect you to “go that far”. Go so far as to own something that American men are only supposed to have.
Lots of the alledged “tragic” incidents that happen with a gun in the house are because the woman lives with a bastard who owns a gun, and she’s never used it.
Do what they do. Get it, learn it, learn local laws of when and where it can be used for self defence, and store it at a shooting club. Clean it often, practice often. For the rest of your life your knee’s will knock much less loudly. If one is ever pointed at you, you won’t flip out, you will think, damn, that’s a nice Glock he has. You’ll know whether his safety is on, how touchy the gun type/brand is, whether the ammo it takes can fuck you up to what extent and at what range, whether its the type that locks up every other time you attempt to fire.
Most of these fuckers running around with guns don’t know much about them, many men have never touched one. They will be scared if they see one, and if they think “oh its a woman, just like in the movies, so I’ll simply take it away”, they are thinking in “cable tv” reality. Great state of mind to have him in, because any moron like that is going to be a fuck-up in his moves to disarm you, who are grounded in reality.
Just make it a hobby. Don’t think about him, fear or power. It takes time to get comfortable and good at it, but it’s fun. You’ll feel better all around, because one more citizen has claimed her American right to own one. At least go to a shooting range once. It is fantastic experience, with or without fear fantasies. Don’t let them chase us out of the sandbox with the good toys AGAIN, especially the toys that they intimidate and kill us with. It’s as important as claiming the right to work construction, join the golf association, etc. Why should women owning guns be considered by them or us as an act of war or revolution. They don’t see themselves that way. You’ll have people assuming you could only want to own a gun for self defense because you are female and scared. Sure that’s one reason, but not the only one, and it’ll soon turn into pride, skill and an attitude they can smell a mile away.
http://lettertoray.blogspot.com
I found his website online, and sent him a hard copy of the letter with a link to the blog in it. I’m not afraid of him tracking me down, though.
I like Jodie’s idea. If pedophiles can organize on the internet to facilitate their own and each others proclivities, why can’t victims and victim’s allies look out for each other in a similar manner?
I realize that many of the Americans here would rather their bullet-filled phallic symbol of the patriarchy’s violence be pried from their cold, dead hands than part with it for a millisecond, but considering the egregious rate of gun violence in your country, and the fact that the blamer will undoubtedly be imprisoned if she ever uses said firearm, perhaps this is not the best approach. In any event, somehow I suspect “grab yer piece and blast him to the sky” was not the type of constructive advice requested. In any event, it’s been said, and your extremely cogent points have been taken, so perhaps we can all stick to patriarchy blaming instead of gun/phallus idolizing from here on in.
Carry a knife or gun. I used to carry a box-cutter when I was traveling alone in Delhi. Are stun-guns or pepper-sprays legal where SN lives? Also, someone should start a website where women can anonymously name their rapists, organized by country/state/city, accompanied with identifying details and pictures if possible. If the site becomes popular enough, it would do a lot to warn other women/girls.
a fictionalization of this same issue is in nicola griffith’s always.
i do not recommend, for anyone, the action that one of the characters in the book chooses to take at the end. (you’ll know it when you get there, trust me.) but the book was very helpful to me to read to know what’s reasonable, what’s not, what can i do to protect myself.
I wish the solution presented in the movie Hard Candy were more practical. You get them to kill themselves.
There are doubtless many good responses I haven’t read yet. The impact of this blog was too visceral for me to go through them all before I shared my thoughts. I didn’t want them diluted.
My rapist was never imprisoned. I never prosecuted, because I was still living at that time under the cultural delusion that unless I withdrew consent “in front of 147 witnesses” I had, in fact, been a willing participant. For years I have entertained fantasies of what ought to be done to him, mostly involving the use of superglue as “lube” for a giant fucking black dildo.
He contacted me not that long ago. Through myspace, of all obvious things. We are never safe. We are property. He felt entitled to remind me that he has pictures of me from the time of the rape, because he felt entitled to taste my fear.
Own yourself. I abhor guns. Get a gun. I carry a knife (or more) and I know how to use it. I moved across country (I can honestly say that wasn’t the only reason, thankfully). I don’t hesitate, in any setting where the issue comes up, to state frankly that I have been raped. I long ago ceased caring what people (men) think about me. I believe shame is an oppressive force that can actually, easily, be dismantled. I remind people of the 1-in-3-women that have been raped.
I would not hesitate to slice and dice. If you get a gun, do not hesitate to shoot. A good defense lawyer is not as expensive as what may happen otherwise.
Gun. knife. learn how to use them. I was raped 8 years ago and recently moved too a major city. I was almost attacked last week 2 blocks from my house, where I live with two male roomates. Take care of yourself by any means necessary.
Amberbug said regarding guns: If one is ever pointed at you, you won’t flip out, you will think, damn, that’s a nice Glock he has. You’ll know whether his safety is on, how touchy the gun type/brand is, whether the ammo it takes can fuck you up to what extent and at what range, whether its the type that locks up every other time you attempt to fire.
I would add that taking Model Mugging/IMPACT/Prepare self-defense (which is both explictly feminist and recommended in “The Gift of Fear”) gives you that same clear-eyed view regarding being attacked. I never realized how much indoctrination I had absorbed about how easily I could be overpowered until I took an IMPACT course. Now I see that attackers rely on our fear much more than their own strength. It’s damn hard for someone to protect all their vulnerable areas and still attack you…unless all the stories you have heard and seen tell you that you are helpless and defenseless.
TinaH, I hope you’re still around this conversation. You said, “I will have occasional deep flashes of guilt because I never prosecuted.” I just wanted to add my story.
In my case, it is one of those things where I know my guilt is silly, but I can’t make it stop. I say silly because I was 8 or 9 years old. I ran home and told my mom, she called the police. To their credit, an officer was dispatched immediately. He needed a description of the car. I couldn’t remember anything. A sedan? I think? Brown, maybe? To this day, when I see a thing on the news about an abduction or pedophile, I’m sure that it was the same person. And if only I’d been smarter and gotten that license plate! I feel like I want to write letters to every victim I see on the news, confessing to them that my idiocy is the reason they too had to suffer.
I know it’s flat out crazy to think like this, and I’m letting him continue to victimize me, [insert additional platitudes here]. But trying to get the rational half of me to get through to the other half is like trying to mix oil and water.
TinaH, on the off chance that I can get through to your “other” half better than my own, let me tell you, let it go! It’s soooo reasonable on your part not to have wanted to put yourself through a prosecution!
This is slightly o/t, but reading through the comments at the earlier rape post, someone mentioned that a lot of people think of this as a parody site.
This explains a lot for me, not about this site, but about other things that I see in the media and people’s humor all the time.
You see, reading this blog, I find what Twisty says both funny and true, though a bit of an exaggeration of my personal views some of the time, and certainly much less restrained than the way I would phrase things to anyone. That’s what makes it so delightfully funny (though this post isn’t).
Up until now, I’ve seen all of these things on TV and jokes that people make and I’ve been kind of confused, like “well, yeah, what they’re parodying is legitimately stupid but it’s still really not that funny.” It’s only funny if you really do feel that way.
The example that pops into my mind right now is the commentary on MXC, if anyone knows what I’m talking about. Dudes find it funny because that’s basically the way they really think, they just water it down for public consumption!
I feel much the same way about the whole “ironic” movement, which seems to be over, thank gawd. People enjoy things ironically because they really enjoy them are just trying to cover it with some lame excuse.
Get a gun. Or a knife. Or some kind of weapon, and take classes on how to use it.
Carry pepper spray. Don’t leave the house without it.
I’m going to the same college as someone nearly identical to my rapist. It terrifies me every time I see him, and he’s not only in the College of Science, he’s a physics student, friends with a friend of mine, and lives on the floor below me. But carrying pepper spray and a knife at all times and keeping my door and window shut and locked at all times if I’m alone helps, and I’m sure the women’s self-defense class I’m taking this year will help more.
Do not let panic or anxiety make you freeze. Ever.
See a counselor. A good one is a lot of help.
Good luck, spinster niece.
I’d much rather blame it on the patriarchy, thanks just the same.
Amp: I certainly did not mean to demean when speaking of ‘when you have a gun be ready to use it’. Its what I know from talking with many many people who have been trained in the use of guns in combat situations. Their training involves just that: learning that their fear can waste seconds and thus possibly cause them to be killed.
A gun is final when pointed at someone. I carried a gun for awhile and also had a couple of shotguns in my home at one time. I don’t anymore out of choice. Twice I used my shotguns to defend myself, once against an intruder in my home and once pointed through the blinds of my kitchen door window to disperse a couple of midnight callers. Both times I was very lucky; the threat of the barrel served to deter further action and get them packing. Neither gun was loaded nor did I have ammunition. If they had called my bluff, things might have come out much worse as my ruse might have elevated things instead of diffusing them.
The only actual loaded, working gun I had (a .22 pistol) I pointed at myself one evening, determined to end it all, I called Samaritans and put it down after an hour. That was enough, I got rid of my guns. I’ve raised three teenagers and had some very tough situations with them, I’m not so cocky as to think that a loaded gun in the house wouldn’t have elevated a given hot situation with one of them at time when they were very impulsive teenagers.
All that aside, I’m not going sit here and say that no one should have a gun or that no one here could handle a gun, I just have my own ambivalence to that and am willing to risk going without.
IBTP for all of it.
Definitely a large dog, well-trained to protect, is a great idea. And good company to boot.
I was raped a year and a half ago. I moved to another country, and he stayed put. It took me a year to tell some mutual friends what happened, and I am giving the responsibility to them to deal with him.
Moving to another country hasn’t helped by itself. There are still plenty of horrible and unknown people here, so I don’t feel safer. I’m glad the rapist is thousands of miles away. He thought he was a progressive feminist, so his dim realization that he may have somehow offended a woman prevents him from chasing after me. This jerkwad was so convinced he was fighting the patriarchy he thought he was immune from committing heinous crimes.
I took extensive women’s self-defense before I was raped. It focused on what to do if a stranger attacks you on the street. They didn’t focus on what to do for an acquaintance rape - how to get your brain to accept what is happening so you can mess this guy up.
Telling some close, trustworthy people and a carefully-selected therapist has helped the most. It doesn’t matter where the rapist is - it’s his type who terrifies me, not just him alone. I had to recover from this incident and also learn how to protect myself emotionally and physically from abuse in general to really feel safer.
For myself, if followed to my state, I would probably just live in fear.
But if I did not then I think that I would look into getting involved with, volunteering, or whatever, with a local shelter or rape crisis center or something.
Part of this is psychological stuff like “it would directly target the fear to be helping people in the circumstance I’m afraid of.”
But the other part is that it seems like it’s the closest thing to a social role where a woman loses the presumed property status; it feels to me like there is an extent to which a woman who works at a rape crisis center is *not* presumed to consent.
Obviously a person can be in a work and life situation that doesn’t give time for that.
My in-laws were at my house for Halloween and my brother-in-law was pissing and moaning about our state governor’s plan to raise taxes - BIL called it rape.
I let him have it verbally. Both barrels.
He wouldn’t speak to me for the rest of the evening. It was such a blessing.
Damn patriarch.
perhaps we can all stick to patriarchy blaming instead of gun/phallus idolizing from here on in.
Yes, because sitting around blaming the patriarchy will SO help out a rape victim who continues to be fearful of her rapist.
Sometimes a gun is just a gun, mnm.
and the fact that the blamer will undoubtedly be imprisoned if she ever uses said firearm, perhaps this is not the best approach.
As you have indicated you aren’t a U.S. citizen, I question your authority on the matter. If citizens were “undoubtedly imprisoned if they ever use a firearm,” there’d be even more overflowing prisons in this country than there already are. It’d also make sense to outlaw shooting ranges, wouldn’t it?
I’m not a pro-gun person; far from it. Just want a little clarity here.
I think this quote, from rootlesscosmo, really says it all:
“I sympathize with the frustration commenters express in these revenge ideas, but as I understand Twisty’s analysis of gender politics, which I share, the whole point is that this is a systematic, structural injustice; as my radical feminist family lawyer often tells her clients, “this is what patriarchy looks like when it’s happening to you.” No closure, no getting even, no happy ending.”
It’s true, there IS nothing to do. I mean, protect yourself as best you can, etc. But when living in a patriarchy, this is how it is. Weirdly that makes me feel better. It takes the responsibility off of me to do something. I feel like there should be something I could do, but really, there isn’t. Not without putting myself at risk. Depressing, but true. There is no happy ending for victims.
Older Now:
Thanks.
Most of the time I’m ok, but sometimes it just freaking comes out of nowhere. And I was all grown up at the time (16!) and so figured I had things under control.
Not.
Peace for both of us. May our rapists fall down the next flight of stairs they see, break both their legs and get gangrene in their testes.
Are there any resources for women trying to anticipate and guard against acquaintance rape? The de Becker book is great, but I’d love to know more.