after i was raped by my ex boyfriend – and it was recently – my… response and way of dealing with it was very much community based. i told my friends and mutual friends and people in our general social community about what had happened to me and who had done it. of course i avoided telling certain people personally because i knew their reaction wouldn’t be sympathetic or because i didn’t trust they would believe me or show support (all of them men). but i did confront telling my story to people close to me or who i thought would understand. they amounted to about 20 people and i would say that at least 40 know, even only second hand. this had amazing results for me. if he shows up anywhere where i am i know he will be asked to leave. when i’m stressed or distressed in situations or in conversations a large number of people know and although not all of them might be able to help me feel better i know that people understand and will try and steer conversations or situations to places that make me feel safer or less confronted. i have also been lucky enough that all the people i have told have not only believed me but have been willing to listen to me explain how i feel and i have only had two conversations where i felt someone was placing blame or causing guilt in me. at those times i was able to turn to someone else and say what had happened and the persons who had reacted in an unpleasant way were told about how i felt and had it explained to them why their behavior was inappropriate. it has been especially helpful in that… this isn’t a burden a woman should have to share alone. it’s a horrible thing, a hard thing, a traumatic thing and… being alone and feeling you have to hold all that pain and rage and fear and sadness on your own shoulders alone is really really hard. having a community of people around me willing to help me share that burden, support me in my choices and actions and provide me with the things i needed, even ones i didn’t realise i needed, is amazing. i really support the idea of people setting up groups (of women?) that can provide this service. so that if and when a woman feels alone she knows there is a group of people she can turn to, many of whom have experienced what she has. to get help from, advice from, support from and to take action on her behalf – should she want that (the worst and most upsetting thing to me about the above mentioned acts of violent retaliation, particularly the mention of ‘getting someone else to do it’ is that it can feel like a further removal of the control that has already been destroyed. also it is very much violence begetting violence. no revenge is ever going to give you back what was destroyed and it is much more healing to move away from the violent frame they’ve put you in and reject it for what it is – a form of patriachal control. particularly keeping in mind the possibility of legal or personal violence and retaliation again coming back against the woman – further spiralling the cycle of pain and hurt. none the less should any woman choose violence or revenge i would support them 100% in it, i just don’t think it’s going to do anyone any good.)

in terms of legal matters i chose not to press charges (for many reasons one of which being i didn’t want to go through that process, which may be viewed of something as a weak way of going about things) however i did take a restraining order (in australia they are called intervention orders) against him so that in situations where i knew he could potentially be present (we’re part of the same larger social network) i would have the legal standing/he would be afraid enough of me calling the cops and him suffering the consequences to have him removed and not have to be afraid of specific situations (though i am afraid constantly and everyday).

this doesn’t all mean that i’m not afraid and it meant i had to move house because i was so scared he might show up there and well, lots of other things required immediate change and i’m still not entriely comfortable being on my own. nonetheless they are all things that helped me and why i wholeheartedly support community groups that support women who have been raped and not in a bureacratic every case is the same way but in a way that reacts to each individual situation and need.

i don’t know if this will help spinsterniece in that she is in a new community and she may not the support bases i have. but if possible i encourage turning to your community to help support you and share the burden of what you’ve experienced and are currently experiencing. it doesn’t have to be to an extent that you are in even greater fear or that you HAVE to do things to alert people that you are safe (i.e. calling a friend at the same time each night, etc) but so that you at least feel you have options and pathways to take you to safer places, physically or mentally. plus taking some kind of legal proceeding, particularly a restraining order is helpful in that you at least have something to make you feel that tiny bit more secure.

Gasp, Wheeze, Sigh…. Blame!

Although she posits that Hollywood is trying to be all things to all people, I think more that Hollywood feels the celebration of all things male sells better. Pandering to the pubescent male psyche is nothing new, so why should stories about girls getting knocked up be? Men benefit when women lose their agency and its old news that getting the chick knocked up is the best way to that end. Abortion spoils all the fun and ends the spoils of male power.

The pro-lifers have appealed to the Great American Fear: Slut shame. Knocked up and apparently Juno portrays perfects nominees to the slut Hall of Shame who are saved the horror through the purifying experience of pregnancy. If I had a dollar for every female in this country who shunned abortion for fear of the slut shame, I doubt I could trade in my 300,000 miles plus ‘93 Saturn for a slightly younger and more nubile vehicle, like a nice Volvo XC.

Since the Juno writer wrote such tripe, seems apparent to me that although she’s stepped off the stage and is keeping her clothes on, Miss Diablo hasn’t dropped pleasing the boyz as her core career.

All that propaganda is working!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_and_territories_by_fertility_rate

“…we are in the midst of an entire wave of movies about unexpectedly pregnant women – from Knocked Up to Waitress to Bella – all deciding to have their babies and all wrapped up in nice, neat bows.”

http://www.truthout.org/issues_06/010308WA.shtml

The boys seem to be anxious about women not cranking out the wage-slaves and soldiers or something.