Mar 21 2008

Answers to burning, itching reader questions, Medical Prosthesis Dept.

Q: What does an artificial anus even look like?

A: Like this:



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  1. lawbitch

    Dang, does that thing have a microchip in it? That opens up all sorts of new possibilities! LOL!

  2. Charlotte

    It’s a German artificial anus! We have to thank the Germans for thinking of everything.

  3. Ryna

    I actually kinda hoped you wouldn’t tell us.

  4. Mehitabel Moody Moss

    Google up some images for artificial vagina. Jeez…….

  5. crowlie

    The guys at Maxim will be pleased.

    It seems a suitable gift for the writers at the Landover Baptist Church I reckon. *brrr* that lot are truly weird. One of the strangest and most frightening right-wing godbags you’ve ever read.


    Down the bottom it says “I am positively not angry and I am not gay” at which point I’d assumed it must be a hoax… I mean seriously, “Vote McCain or God will make you eat your children for betraying America, Christianity and Freedom.” What is that?

    Since the guy is obviously so uptight that when he farts only dogs can hear it, you ought to put him on a recipient list for that there artificial anus.

  6. Narya

    Landover is, in fact, a parody site. They’re usually pretty good at keeping a straight face, but everyone once in awhile a smirk breaks through.

  7. j

    Hi crowlie,

    Landover Baptist is a parody. The fact that it could very well be serious is the frightening part.

  8. Nine Deuce

    Wait a minute! What kind of materials are these fake anuses made of? Can they withstand regular bleaching?

  9. magnoline

    Website names it “a German Artificial Sphincter System (GASS).” Holy frick.

  10. Twisty

    They should make’em in designer colors. “Pole Dancer Pink.” “Virgin Vermillion.” I predict anal replacement will be the hot cosmetic surgery of 2008.

  11. Pinko Punko

    But who will start the anus dentatus legends?

  12. Mamasquab

    Excellent, Twisty! I propose the Annual Twisty Faster Artificial Anus awards for those who most deserve one. Trouble is, you’ll be giving them out daily.

  13. invisible

    I would bet her anus works better than mine, at this point. How lovely for her. But what about her leg ?, or whatever.


  14. Hattie

    As they say in German, what an Arschloch!

  15. Amy

    I imagine these will become popular for the partners of heterosexual women who refuse to engage in sodomy.


  16. Mar Iguana

    During a CPA masculinity crises occurring in the early 80s, the firm I was working for joined others to form a basketball team to compete in some local yuppieboy league. One of them, CPA Numero Cinco, asked everyone in the office for suggestions as to what to call the new team.

    I submitted “The Sphincters,” it never occurring to me he would like the sound of it (he thought it had something to do with gladiators) (little did he know*), never bother to look it up, present it as his first choice at the weekly meeting, causing CPA Numero Uno to spew coffee out his face unto the sacred CPA papers on the conference table plus a lower-numero CPA who turned his coffee mug over in the confusion. CPA Numero Cinco was not happy with me. Oh well. Wah** Things were already going downhill fast for me around that joint anyway.

    *”Elite males could have sex with males or females of lower status as long as they avoided erotic excesses, which might upset a male’s body chemistry, and as long as the elite individual was the dominant, insertive partner.”

    http://ccat.sas.upenn.edu/bmcr/1999/1999-10-36.html (Interesting read BTW.)

    **As office grunt, I’m the one who had to clean up the mess and re-copy the coffee-soaked sacred CPA papers and reschedule the day’s appointments and catch the flack for setting poor Numero Cinco up for such embarrassment and answer the phones while I was at it. Oh yeah, and wash all the mugs, etc. at the end of the day in the bathroom down the hall, shared with all the other businesses on that floor. Whatta bunch of professional sphinkters, ja.

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