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Mar 31 2008

Godbag sects duke it out for top honors in global reproduction contest

Via Reuters: The global population of misogynist cultists labeled “Muslim” have, at 19.2%, edged out longtime frontrunners the Roman Catholics (now just 17.4%) in the perennial struggle for world domination in the high-stakes My Subtle Variant of the Fairy Tale Is Truer Than Yours competition. What’s the secret of their success? Let’s ask Monsignor Vittorio Formenti, pointy-headed Vatican spokesbag:

“It is true that while Muslim families, as is well known, continue to make a lot of children, Christian ones on the contrary tend to have fewer and fewer.” [Source]

Clearly Catholic women are choosing to make the Virgin Mary cry in ever-increasing numbers. If the Catholics are to regain the pennant, they’re going to have to tighten up control of their uteruses.

But don’t go booking your victory dinner at Jean Georges just yet, Muslims! At a whopping 33%, Generic Christians — a loosely-connected super-sect comprised of all cults that advocate women’s oppression while employing the personal concierge services of the ghost of a dead Nazarene on a stick — still appease their vengeful male God in the greatest numbers overall, thus retaining the title on a technicality.

36 comments

1 ping

  1. John Vreeland

    Having more points at the end of the game is hardly a “technicality.” Christians have more souls, therefore they are winning. If G_d were to end the game right now, Xtians would win. Muslims are catching up fast, however, and it doesn’t look set to stop soon, so my advice to Xtians is to pray for armageddon.

  2. Twisty

    My sportswriting skills are poor, John Vreeland; thus I failed to clarify sufficiently that Team Muslim does, in fact, take home the gold in the single denomination division.

  3. Vera

    What if the Christians call for a series of strategic timeouts to run down the clock? That seems to work in football. And an existential hiatus might feel good and restful right about now.

  4. The Hedonistic Pleasureseeker

    I love how we’ve got the Breeding Olympics going on in one stadium and the Population Control Olympics going on in the other. Shouldn’t these people be talking?

  5. norbizness

    I sense that the Zoroastrians are poised for a serious comeback, despite their supposed stance against proselytizing. And let’s not forget the “I think I’m something because I was born into it but I don’t really bring it up until I need to bolster a shitty argument with invisible Sky Fairy goodness” craze which is sweeping the globe.

  6. SpinatTeig

    I feel that the term “denomination” is being thrown about willy-nilly. Shi’a, Sunni, and Sufi denominations, for example, could be compared to Roman Catholicism.

  7. mearl

    See? If the Catholics hadn’t allowed that pesky Enlightenment and had managed to knife all dissenters before suffrage won the vote, Western women would still be busy popping out babies in our rightful role in life, instead of pursuing such unimportant dalliances as careers and control over our own affairs/bodies/money/freedom, and Catholics would still be holding the title. We should get our priorities straight, here, people!

  8. Catherine Martell

    SpinatTeig is right, though I’d note that Sufis are either Sunni or Shiite (mostly Sunni). Why do Christian-flavoured godbags get broken down into their individual sects, while Muslim-flavoured ones all get lumped together? Oh yeah, I remember. They’re “Other”.

    It’s too early to predict who will take home the gold in the I’ve Got The Truest Fairy competition. All depends on the events. The Muslims are a dead cert in beard-growing and angry mob formation, but the Christians are well ahead in vegetarian dinosaur historical fabrication and choirboy abuse.

    In events like compulsory pregnancy enforcement, gay-bashing or women-hating, it’s too close to call.

  9. Pinko Punko

    Tears are welling in my eyes.

  10. J.

    Why all the anti-catholic hate? Seems like a pretty pro-women religion to me, especially when compared to other religions.

  11. atheist woman

    I actually know a Zoroastrian, and the last time I checked, he had thrown his weight with the Muslims. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em?

  12. atheist woman

    That should be, *know of a Zoroastrian*.

  13. laffin'hyena

    “Why do bridesmaids all have to wear the same dress? Everybody said you looked good. I thought you looked stoned”

  14. Lost Clown

    mearl:

    Despite appearences, many Catholics eschew the Pope’s stance and not only use birth control (even my super-strict Catholic republican parents! they went all the way with a vasectomy!) they also co-habitate at great rates, just look at Chicago, Boston and Quebec who all have large unwed co-habitating Catholic populations.

    Yeah the church is fucked up, hence the reason I am a recovering Catholic agnostic atheist, but for xtians, Catholics are surprisingly liberal.

  15. Twisty

    “Tears are welling in my eyes.”

    Don’t cry, Pinko; maybe the Jews’ll rally! Although, what with the Catholics having so charitably looked the other way while the Nazis exterminated them, it’ll be a tough slog.

  16. Lost Clown

    I forgot to mention that the Catholic populations of Chicago, Boston, and Quebec are among the largest in the US and Canada. (I can’t speak for elsewhere)

  17. Twisty

    “Why all the anti-catholic hate? Seems like a pretty pro-women religion to me, especially when compared to other religions.’

    Sure, Catholicism is pro-woman, if by “pro-woman” you mean “proponents of compulsory pregnancy and a male-dominated social order.”

  18. Pinko Punko

    It was the “pointy-headed Vatican spokesbag” that did it.

    Fun fact: the Cathars that got wiped out for heresy would have wiped themselves out anyway because they were hard core into the abstinence.

    Q: Waste of genocidal resources, or pro-active pogrom against a baby sapping philosophy?

  19. chingona

    Interestingly, Islam allows for birth control and even very early abortion. I’m thinking it’s not so much lack of babies as it is the ability to abandon religion and identify as whatever the hell you like that accounts for the decline in Roman Catholics.

  20. Lara

    I find that out of the two “groups” Catholics and Christians tend to emphasize compulsory pregnancy (uhh, errr, i mean uhh, pro-life attitudes) more than Muslims do. But that’s just from my own observation.
    Anyway, the misogynist tendencies of both religions is abhorrent and I hate how the (Judeo-Christian-run) media is using the great populations of Muslims as a scare tactic, feeding into Islamophobia while perpetuating misogyny (“women, it is your duty to make babies quick!”).
    IBTP.

  21. Jen

    All of this talk about population control and breeding just makes my head spin. Why the hell should I advocate the further take-over of the planet of either Christians or Muslims? Last time I checked, there were plenty of women-beating sexist shitbags, xenophobic psuedo-intellectuals, and warmongering lunatics on both teams.

  22. J.

    I’m pretty sure that Muslim countries have had and continue to have much more punitive anti-abortion laws than even catholic countries like Italy and Poland in their heyday. It also seems like the Vatican at least talks a much better good game than most other religious authorities about rejecting the “woman = baby factory” idea:

    “Although motherhood is a key element of women’s identity, this does not mean that women should be considered from the sole perspective of physical procreation. In this area, there can be serious distortions, which extol biological fecundity in purely quantitative terms and are often accompanied by dangerous disrespect for women…women should be present in the world of work and in the organization of society…should have access to positions of responsibility which allow them to inspire the policies of nations and to promote innovative solutions to economic and social problems.”

    - Joesph Ratzinger

  23. Lara

    J, just because one or several Catholics believe what Ratzinger says it doesn’t mean all of them do, just as Muslims are not a homogenous group either (several may believe in one thing, but many others disagree, etc.). I am just worried this is going to turn into a debate about which religious group is “more misogynist.” The fact is, and I think Twisty points this out in her post, that both groups are very misogynist and try to control women’s bodies. Furthermore, some radical feminists believe that all religion is inherently patriarchal. As far as my own beliefs on that, I feel torn.

  24. Twisty

    J., you appear to have confused this evangelical pro-life website with one which cares to distinguish between Muslims and Catholics. Furthermore, I note that, since you have quoted one of the world’s premier antifeminists, you have not read the FAQ. This omission, I regret to say, disqualifies you from further participation in this riveting discussion.

  25. rootlesscosmo

    pray for armageddon.

    And armageddon outa here while the geddon’s good.

  26. TP

    You never fail to amuse, but “employing the personal concierge services of the ghost of a dead Nazarene on a stick” nearly killed me dead, it was so funny. Best metaphor for prayer ever!

  27. Def Leppard

    But are you really getting it?

  28. Pinko Punko

    I explicitly saw no explicit reference to hair metal in the FAQ.

  29. Varnish Eater

    Seriously, dead Nazarene on a stick. Oh man.

  30. Pinko Punko

    I am considerably shocked that this Evangelical Pro-Life Establishment has an apparent emerging antipathy to the Evangelical Pro-Life stylings of one D. Leppard, Hair Metal Enthusiasts.

  31. Chiroptera

    Oh, I think I got confused. I thought “J” WAS Joseph Ratzinger, and was signing her post above!

  32. Twisty

    Pinko Punko demonstrates what might happen if a blamer got drunk.

  33. kiki

    Why all the anti-catholic hate? Seems like a pretty pro-women religion to me, especially when compared to other religions.

    Ha. I have one word for you. Ireland.

  34. Pinko Punko

    Chiroptera-

    That is the funniest thing I have read today!

    I imagine His Popery huddled over something, probably a Dell, typing with that weird penis finger of his, banging away at the Evangelical Pro-Life Gazette.

    The utter sadness of this flight of fancy is that the inevitable finish of the above comment is a dark, dark remark about his culpability in a massive pedophile ring, so I’ll have to truncate it at “Pope Ratzy surfs the internet, engages Spinster Aunt in electronic flamewar a la US Marines vs. Alien commercial”

  35. Svetlana Monsoon

    It annoys the crap out of me that the Catholic representative in the article you link says it’s the first time in HISTORY that the Catholics aren’t on top! Really? So I guess Catholicism was the first religion ever, huh? Or maybe I just missed the papal memo about the official decision to change the creation story, that recent ‘scientific discoveries’ have placed it at less than 2000 years ago instead of 6000!

  36. arse poetica

    “Pointy-headed spokesbag.” I cannot remember the last time I laughed that hard.

  1. “My Subtle Variant of the Fairy Tale Is Truer Than Yours” « The Bleeding Heart Show

    [...] that instructs against quoting other people’s blog entries in full, but when the snark is this good, I feel compelled to act otherwise. Via Reuters: The global population of misogynist cultists [...]

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