It is possible to avoid going to shopping malls. If you’re imprisoned by Fundamentalist Mormons in the middle of West Texas.
The other day, for no very interesting reason, I was hot-footin’ it through one of these whirling vortices of polyester lust when I happened upon the above-pictured wretched display of consumerist bogosity. Simon Property Group, which runs the Barton Square Creek Oaks Valley Spring Mall in question, is selling pink gift cards. They will pay Komen a buck for every gift card you buy.
This is why I hate Komen, and why I hate malls, and why I hate gift cards.
First, just don’t do it. Don’t give anyone a damn gift card. Unless you hate her. Nothing says “few things are more tedious than buying you a present” loudlier and clearlier than a gift card. I’d rather get light bulbs. AAA batteries. A ball of string. A bag of dirt. Seriously. When my sister got married I gave her a fly swatter and to this day she wipes a tear from her grateful eye when she says that it’s been more useful than all her other nuptial swag combined.
I hate Komen because they’ve brainwashed millions of people into believing that if they buy pink shit they are “making a difference.” Snap out of it! All you are doing is buying pink shit. Komen is a marketing facilitator. They do not reduce breast cancer occurence. They do not reduce breast cancer deaths. All they do is hook up sanctimonious shopaholics with corporate leeches who want to shine up their tarnished public images.
Such as mall owner Simon Property Group. It is not widely known that, before he was governor of New York and got collared for paying to rape women, then-New York Attorney General Eliot Spitzer filed a lawsuit against Simon. So did Massachusetts and Connecticut. That’s right — it was a nefarious gift card con. You bought the gift card, but if the recipient didn’t use it within six months — and why would she? Wounded by your indifference, she tossed you lame-ass card into her desk drawer and forgot about it — Simon started charging “dormancy” fees. This was on top of the purchase fees, fees to check the balance, fees to transfer the balance to another card, fees to reissue lost or stolen cards, and “shipping and handling” fees if the card was used for online purchases. After 11 months, your dear, beloved friend’s crappy $25 Simon Mall gift card was whittled down to about 11 bucks, even if she never bought a single thing at the stupid mall.
And now I have to go and get shot up with radioactive waste so I can lie imprisoned in a tube at a nuclear medicine depot and get scanned for the goddam cancer that — surprise — 20 years of pink marketing failed to prevent.