I haven’t looked, but I suppose tidings of baby’s first high heels have already made the rounds of the feminist blogs. No matter; this ain’t no news blog.
Anyway, what I allude to are these grotesque novelty shoes for infants. Sexy animal prints with spike heels. Thirty-five bucks a pair. Celebrity-endorsed. Blamer Melissa, who rang my clue phone about this icky development, says “the whole ‘seven-year-olds in thongs’ thing is so last season and hawtness must now begin at birth.”
A glance at the website reveals a link to an Entertainment Tonight article describing the crib shoes (wait, crib shoes? Why does a bedridden infant need shoes?) as “made from soft, flexible fabrics with a collapsible heel and are not intended for walking.”
The pair of women sexopreneurs who invented the infant fuckme pumps chap the Twisty hide in many ways. Forget about the obvious antifeminist implications of infant pornulation for a second; what’s with the repellent adult pastime of casting children in the role of joke-butts? Warning, says the website, these Heelarious shoes “May cause extreme smiling and hysterical laughter when in use (this is completely normal).”
Normal! Man, what is wrong with people? Why does everybody think it’s okay to openly jeer and laugh at kids? Do they think the tots just don’t notice that they are perennial objects of mockery? Last Halloween, at the neighborhood cul-de-sac trick-or-treat party (or what I like to call the Barton Creek Toddler Burlesque), my 4-year-old niece Rotel flat-out refused to wear her elaborately cute costume. It was obvious that she just didn’t want to make a spectacle of herself for the amusement of the drunk adults. Much consternation ensued. Rotel was seriously in violation of some primal code of childhood conduct when she dared to expect that she could collect candy without putting on Hilarious Kid Drag. She was robustly critiqued for having had the temerity to assert personal bodily sovereignty in the face of patriarchal tradition. I am happy to report that she prevailed in the end, but it was clear from the reaction of the neighbors that they considered her strange, and I don’t believe for a second that the kid won’t carry deep emotional scars for life. Probably she will turn to a life of crime.
According to the rules of the culture of domination, kids, particularly female kids, suffer the lowest status possible for creatures with human DNA.
But I digress.
The purveyors of the tiny hooker-wear are a perfect example of the ingenious and pernicious manner in which patriarchy replicates itself through eager complicity of the oppressed class itself. While fathers hang around in strip clubs not paying child support, mothers are charged with providing the next generation’s primary indoctrination into the social order. Why not get a jump on your daughter’s pornulation training by strapping on some infant sex appeal? These asinine accouterments bear a striking resemblance to those Japanese fetish torture shoes; they aren’t intended for walking, either.