Nov 14 2008

Internet connection, why hast thou forsaken me?

Who am I to thwart the public’s inexhaustible fascination for photographs of my radio tower?

As I merge my bony old biomass with the Arcadian rhythms of the Texas Hill Country, two truths emerge.

One: one of my slippers will contain a scorpion in the morning.

Two: radio tower or no radio tower, one’s rural high-speed internet connection is an evanescent figment. It vanishes into a fugitive fog, it shivers away from a puffy cloud, it drifts off with wayward microwaves from the neighbors’ tower, it stays out all night partying, it returns at dawn with an armful of flowers, chocolate croissants, and a print edition of the New York Times.

So my Software Updater won’t update my software, my email won’t mail my e’s, and my Vonage phone won’t von. Poor podcastless me.

Meanwhile, during a brief moment of connectivity, I note a trend toward blaming “minorities” for the wild success of recent gay marriage bans. I would suggest (again) that those most concerned with penis placement are godbags first and “minorities” second. My suspicions about the structure of Hetero-American culture are threefold.

Fold number one: Godbags — and their non-proselytizing but higher-power-believin’ brethren, the godbag-lites — regardless of race, creed, or color, are the majority in the US.* Fold number two: even if they weren’t the majority, godbags like to vote more than truthbags. Fold number three: Heterosexual honkys, as a general category, hate homos as much as the next guy.

You know, the megatheocorporatocracy of today, through millennia of evolution, is an intricate but brainless mega-organism that exists only to replicate its reactionary self ad infinitum.

*See this June 2008 article in the Washington Post, which reports on a poll finding that 80% of Americans think angels flit around on sunbeams curing cancer and reward the faithful with “resources.”

“For many Americans, God is a vivid presence. About one-third of the people surveyed said they receive answers to their prayer requests at least once a month and say they have experienced or witnessed a divine healing of an illness or injury.”


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  1. PhysioProf

    Twisty, your radio tower is so upright and large and magnificent!

  2. Laurel

    Not to derail a serious political discussion before it starts, but I am hoping you caught that scorpion in your slipper before it caught you, as it were. Here in Phoenix, I seem to be living on a scorpion path. Between the stream of scorpions traipsing through the house and the booming black widow population on the patio, I have been able establish a thriving catch-and-release program for toxic arachnids. I use old deli containers. Keeps the overhead low.

    The point of the story being this: Check those shoes before donning. I always pound mine, heel first, to shake any covert critters down from the toes before putting them on and lacing up in the mornings.

    Alternatively, you could make a little set of 8 cozy scorp-sized slippers and leave them sitting out. It’s a nice gesture, and they might stop them from taking yours. Just a thought.

  3. panoptical

    Nate Silver at fivethirtyeight.com debunks the idea that minorities are to blame using data from California exit polls:


  4. K

    Twisty, whenever I go to yoga class, I wonder if you do yoga. Being so twisty and all. Do you?

  5. Dr. Steph

    “Heterosexual honkys, as a general category, hate homos as much as the next guy.”

    You sure know how to turn a phrase Twisty.

    Thanks for posting about this, it’s been bugging me a whole bunch.

  6. sonia

    just run over there and give it a good whack, Twisty. that’s all it needs.

  7. Spigette

    Hey Twisty! I share your pain about the fleeting nature of satellite and other less reliable forms of internet connections – after moving to my own country seat from the “big city”, I endured 6 months of hideously slow and outrageously expensive satellite internet. Fortunately for me, I live about a kilometre from where our MP (i.e. Member of Parliament, Canadian-speak for congressman/senator) lives, and since he wants high-speed and decent roads, we got about 50 kms of brand new pavement and cheap DSL.

    Interestingly enough, all this happened in in a big rush, just in time for our MP to be married to his same-sex partner in a lovely ceremony last summer – attended by family, the villagers and many highly-placed Canadian politicians, including at least 2 former Prime Ministers.

    Here is a news clip from one of our major tv news networks about the event:

    So while you all to the South might have a warmer climate meteorologically-speaking, I think we definitely have a warmer climate in other ways up here. And nary a scorpion to be found. Come on up north!

  8. norbizness

    We’re… we’re not bright, are we.

  9. Nine of Cups

    Welcome back. I have missed your inimitable way with words and your perspective on current events (esp. the election and Prop. 8). Seeing the site updated today was like a little early Christmas! Thanks.

  10. Torrie Storm

    Fold # 3:
    Subtype a: Heterosexual homo hating honkies who were raised to be godbags (Fold #1,) but don’t like to get up on Sunday morning. They retain their right to hate homos for faith-based reasons while rejecting the rest of their church’s dogma because the important thing is that they’re still spiritual and they don’t need the institutional church. This makes them independent thinkers.

    Subtype b: Heterosexual homo hating honkies who would be godbags if there wasn’t so damn much pressure to tithe all the time. The economy, you know.

    Subtype c: Heterosexual homo hating honkies who are liberal and have a lot of gay friends. In fact, Tony and Jim make their bridge foursome. Those guys are hysterical! They really liven up the joint. But, really it’s kind of a shame about all the kids at school making fun of their daughter for having two daddies, so for the best interests of the kids, maybe it would be best if they just pretended to be best buds instead of telling so much of the truth.

    Subtype d: Heterosexual homo hating honkies whose main thoughts about homos are “they put what where?” and “How do *girls* do it?” In this PC world, they wouldn’t admit to these thoughts under torture, but in the voting booth no one else knows. There’s the little closet-like curtain setup for voting privacy. Only their backsides are frighteningly exposed, which once again prompts the unbidden and horrifying thought “they put what where?” Then they vote.

  11. Jodie

    Who the heck polled those people? I don’t know anyone who would admit to those things.

  12. Spiders

    “those most concerned with penis placement”

    Reading this was the highlight of my day.

  13. Dawn Coyote

    Hey Spigotte,

    My MP in East Vancouver is Libby Davies – Deputy Leader of the NDP, champion for social justice to such an extent that people move into her riding to get her help, and out lesbian in Parliament.

    I campaigned with her this year. She’s a gem.

  14. Spigette

    Hey Dawn Coyote,

    Always nice to meet a fellow Canadian! :) Our MP is Scott Brison, who I like personally but just can’t bring myself to vote for since he is a Liberal and was once a PC. I can’t help it, I just gotta vote NDP! In Halifax, an NDP win is practically guaranteed, but out here in the sticks, they are not quite ready. Sigh!

    But I admire Scott, and the locals love him as the son of a well-respected and hardworking family, and an MP who really works for his constituents. No one cares that he is gay. Seriously, even the old gaffers just chuckle about it. I asked one guy whether he thought Scott’s influence had gotten the new road and high-speed for us, and he said, “Well, he’s always had a lot of pull” while making a hand gesture best left to the imagination. But he laughed quite good-naturedly while saying it – I think the locals like giving him some friendly ribbing, but they really do like him.

  15. incognotter

    Godbags vs. Truthbags — I love you, Twisty!

  16. mir

    On blaming the “minorities”: In my limited experience of the post-Prop 8 world in Seattle (where things are different because the yuppies are all hippies. And we drink a lot of coffee, or something. But also the same as every other goddamned place when it comes to the stupid) many in the honkey LGBT IQ community seem shocked that lots of brown people would vote against gay marriage. “Why, they themselves have experienced an ism, how can they deny us?” and in the same breath talk about the deep, demoralizing roots of homophobia. Hello, says I, everyone hates everyone as habit and it’s a matter of whim and tradition and the failure of proper marketing plans when it comes to who is getting shit on on any given day. Racism, homophobia, sexism all swim around in the swamp of our patriarchy-reared consciousness(es) and given whatever opportunity, if Mercury is in retrograde or it’s a day that ends in Y, it crawls up out of there and votes.

    On scorpions in shoes: When I was about 8 my dad, who is from Cuba, told me the story of his one teenaged morning being lazy about checking his shoes, and forgetting to shake out his pants, and discovering, once dressed, that there were angry, skittering creatures in both. The story was illustrated with the hilarious and terrifying Horror Dance of Scorpions-In-My-Clothes. Since the story, though I’ve not once lived in a place with scorpions, black widows or other harbingers of ohmygod it’sONme hell (like tarantulas! How do people live in places where there are TARANTULAS? Just crawling around?) I’ve shaken out both my shoes and pants before donning.

    You shake em out, Twisty. Death by insect is a really inglorious way to go.

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