It’s always a pleasure to see an armadillo that isn’t smashed on the road. Fun armadillo facts: they are related to sloths and anteaters, and are the only species of this order in Texas (or in all of North America for that matter). They can inflate themselves to cross bodies of water. 15% of armadillos have leprosy. Nine-banded armadillo, Dasypus novemcinctus. January 2009, Blanco County TX.
To the fifty-or-so of you who, over the past week, posted comments that got stuck in moderation because I forgot I had a blog: we regret any inconvenience. Your comments are now up. Except for the ones written by a teenage boy saying “Fuck off Slut!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Speaking of “we regret any inconvenience”: what a load. The minute you read those words — such as are printed on that little card that Central Services hangs on your doorknob when they’re about to dig a 27-foot hole in your driveway and shut off your water for 3 days — you automatically know you are getting screwed. The other day when Verizon regretted any inconvenience I may have experienced while living out here in the middle of Rattlesnake, Texas for 3 months without a phone because they can’t get it together and run a few feet of wire to my house, I have to say that I perceived not an iota of actual regret. Their tone ran more along the lines of “you are as an infinitesimal speck to this faceless telecommunications conglomerate, which speck we regard with complete indifference. You will experience this indifference as animosity and it will make you want to smash shit up, but Verizon does not give a flip.”
Nobody is really sitting around regretting your inconvenience. It is a damned lie! Corporations — and most likely anything else in a position to regret inconvenience — are clots of computer files and bank accounts. The idea that a corporation can feel regret! It’s a laff riot!
You really want to express regret, Verizon? Send someone over to wash my windows; then we’ll talk.
Oh wait, we can’t talk, because I don’t have a fucking phone!
But I digress.
It will come as no surprise that pornographers Larry Flynt and Joe Francis are bucking for a piece of the bailout pie. It is necessary, they maintain, because the Great American Sexual Appetite is suffering from the economic downturn.
Quoth the repellent Flynt: “It’s time for Congress to rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America. The only way they can do this is by supporting the adult industry and doing it quickly.”
“Adult industry” is what pornographers call pimping out women as receptacles for male incontinence. They also call this “sex.”
I hope Congress regrets any inconvenience Larry Flynt might suffer as a result of being denied a cut of the booty, but, sadly, the demise of the porn industry is a contingency too remote even to contemplate, recession or no recession.