That’s right, I said “vaginismus.” It’s that thing where your vagina says “no way, Jose,” and clamps shut, deflecting all comers. According to one quaintly heteronormative phallocentric UK psych site, “vaginismus occurs when the vagina is unable to relax and permit the penetration of the penis during intercourse.”* Other, more progressive sources cite tampons, specula, and fingers as objects that are commonly crammed into “normal” women, but are dee-nied by the vaginas of wackjobs suffering this vaginismus dealio.
Wackjobs? You betcha: the involuntary clampola is thought to be the symptom of a psychiatric disorder resulting from “fear of pain,” “traumatic sexual assault,” “strict religious upbringing,” “traumatic pelvic exam,” or — my personal favorite — “disgust,” rather than from any known medical condition. It’s PTSD of the ladyparts. Penetration ranges from impossible to unbearable to super painful. Other symptoms include nausea and vomiting at the mere thought of penetration.
And it must be treated, because what good is a vagina that can’t be penetrated? No good! In fact, there appears to be, in the vaginismus community, universal consensus that the condition’s interference with sexual intercourse, even when the sufferer can easily achieve orgasm via non-penetrative means, is a real homewrecker. While perusing these vaginismus websites, I observed some tampon and pelvic exam lip service, but it was clear what’s really at stake here: I repeatedly came across allusions to the dire importance of “consummating the marriage.” That’s right. It’s not even a real marriage until Mr takes possession of Mrs’s personal vagina with his engorged dominator.
So what’s the treatment?
With dilators. Yeek! Also: anti-depressants, PT, sex counselors, and booze.
Enter Peter T. Pacik, MD, FACS. Literally.
Peter T. Pacik MD FACS cures vaginismus with Botox injected directly into the old vadge. The Botox prevents the pelvic muscles from contracting, and voilà! The natural order of the conjugal universe is restored! Best of all, the treatment is on sale! Through May 31, your Nigel can get back in the saddle without you puking for as little as $2400! That’s a $500 savings! No word on whether your pelvic muscles’ newfound inability to contract will have a negative impact on your gratification.
Wait a sec, you’re saying, here’s an idea: if sex hurts, don’t have sex.
Well sure, but unfortunately women in heterosexual relationships don’t have that option, not if they want to keep their love alive. Penetration is integral to male domination, and as such is not only the cornerstone of patriarchy but the foundation upon which any decent, normal hetero coupling is built. Hence the repellent “consummation” idea.
On Peter T. Pacik MD FACS’s plastic surgery website you can read a testimonial written by the grateful patient who was his first guinea pig. An excerpt:
[...] I had 6 injections (15 units of Botox) in Dec. 2005. I waited about 2 weeks before trying anything. The first time the pain was decreased by about 25 percent. The next time was about 50 percent. I now am at about 75 percent decreased pain, in April 2006. [...] I am not completely pain free yet, but I did not have sex as often as I should have (we are averaging about once a week since the end of December) so I think that plays a big part in overcoming vaginismus.
Thank you so much Dr. Pacik and staff. This has made my relationship with my boyfriend so much better, and I am feeling so much better about myself.
Gut-wrenching stuff. The Botoxee’s self-esteem gets a big boost once she is able to function again, albeit at diminished capacity, as her boyfriend’s receptacle. She’s still experiencing pain, but of course it’s her own damn fault for not letting her dude prong her “as often as [she] should have.”
Jesus in a jetpack! What a bunch of sadistic knobs! The doctor and his experimental vaginal injections to pry her open, the boyfriend who fucks her even though she’s in pain. It blows my mind that men routinely hurt women in what is supposedly an act of love, and that women routinely endure pain and discomfort in order to fulfill their destiny as toilets, but fuckin A, you just can’t fight that cultural conditioning.
The mere thought of penetration with a penis nauseates me, too, but I think I’ll skip Peter T Pacik and a bunch of shots up my bidness.
* This psychnet-uk.com is a real peach. It appears to reject the notion that anything short of “actual intercourse” may be classified as sex. Orgasms achieved through clitoral stimulation are categorized as “foreplay.” Seriously! in 200-fucking-9!