The one abuse I tried to report, talk about or do something about got me a reaction that convinced me to handle things in non-official ways since. Ironically enough, I felt safest about reporting it because it was less intense and less easy to blame me for or discredit me on.

I was stalked for a while, a guy I knew kept calling, often more than 10 times an evening, threatening me. It started with him asking me out, and when I refused, he somehow construed that as to mean that I would like him to be more forceful. He threatened to rape me, to force me to bear his children, to kidnap me and/or kill me. He was very graphic and explicit in his threats. However, I was twelve and he was a classmate.

The school told me that he “just liked me”. When a direct quote indicated otherwise, that was revised to “boys will be boys” and a disavowal of any involvement as it was happening off of school property.

I couldn’t bear to tell my parents at first, and just said that this guy wasn’t nice. I was made to take his calls and be civil. Because I wasn’t being very nice.

When I told my parents, they told me that nothing could be done: there were no witnesses and anything I said was just hearsay (wrong, but I didn’t know that at the time).

My mother told me to figure out why he was doing this to me because otherwise “things like this” would just keep happening to me. She also told me that being upset by it was giving him power over me and I should just stop it.

My brother decided that I’m a feminist, steaming mad about sexual violence, and single because that guy “damaged” me.

My dad called the police on this guy because he got an obscene phone call that my mother witnessed, which he was sure was from my classmate. He was wrong, but he sent the police off with bad information because he didn’t bother to wake me up to speak to the police: I had no stake in the matter somehow.

The guy is now somewhat successful, and I’m no longer cool with an ex-friend because I refused to go to a small, intimate concert where the guy’s band would be playing. I haven’t seen the guy in almost 15 years, why the hell would I want to start now?

I haven’t reported anything else. Not the childhood abuse, the later rape, any of it. I have friends who support me and I have given up my family for this and other reasons. I’m not sure whether I’d choose to report if something happened now. I don’t push survivors either way on reporting, because so often it’s not just useless but harmful to them (I do recommend medical attention, however). The current system is not intended to protect or help the survivor. IBTP.

i hope, as you said above about us being friends, that i have been able to help just a little bit. if you need to talk to someone more, my handle here at yahoo is my email.

Vegan: i may be taking it wrong, but when i read about that trial (that the radio station was airing for a drive) i am thinking that it was a drive for money to help rape victims get better representation, etc. at least, that is what i HOPE it is for.

“Your family doesn’t know who the hell you are and they never will. The birth family is over rated and over mythologized in this insane culture.”

Thanks to all who responded. I typed that last one out in my usual “just-woke-up-after-bad-night” fog, and after I did it, was a bit horrified with myself.

But thank you to all who have written supportive messages.

As to the quote above, yeah, I had come to that conclusion about family years ago, and must have forgotten the reasons I had drawn the conclusion, and am now realising that it’s same-old, same-old with the family.

One point I was trying to convey, is that rape damages not just the victim, the pat and it’s rapists in all their guises, have the power to silence women, and/or make them crazy, whether it craziness from biting your tongue, or craziness from the anger of facing it and fighting, they have the power to destroy women and whole families, but then, you all know that. It’s a basic of feminism.

And the “hero’s” response is something about whether she’s glad that she got what she wanted?

Just to clarify, the rape scene starts with the woman having consensual sex with one of the buddies in the back of the car. Then, the other friend decides to take his turn, with no consideration for what she wants. So, it’s even worse. The message is: if you have sex once, you’re a slut and now men can do whatever they want to you.

And Tony’s reaction confirms it. He calls her a “bad girl” or something like that, following up on a conversation between him and the woman earlier in the movie where he advises her to remain a “good girl”.

Hugs,
Comrade PhysioProf

I know this is probably not going to be ongoing, but it’s nice to have it once or twice at least.

As to the rest, I think that TF and the blamer brain trust have it covered.

I think the Blamers have said it well. I do understand what you are saying, to a much lesser degree, and not just thanks to Sebold.

You are sane. You, like all of us, just live in a disaster.

We’re here. We like you just fine. And I’d pick you over a rapist any day of the week.

Family can be hard. It can be a lot of ugly things beyond “hard” as well. I hate that you are living what you are with your own family.

I agree with what others have said, though: you can build your own family.

I think we might be psychic twin sisters.
In the movie ” The Darjeeling Limited” Angelica Houston plays the part of a mother with three grown sons. They travel to India to see her. They start to speak to her and she turns around to look behind her. Before she even turned back to deliver her line I knew exactly how her character felt and what she was going to say. The line was (paraphrasing )” I don’t know who you think you are talking to but it isn’t me.”

Your family doesn’t know who the hell you are and they never will. The birth family is over rated and over mythologized in this insane culture.

I am going to ask Twisty, out of the kindness of her radical feminist heart, to pretty please forward you my email addy so we can commiserate about denial and insane family members somewhere other than her blog. Twisty, would you please do this in between spiders, centipedes and fighting the good fight? I would love to share my wealth of knowledge about denial with Daisy P. My therapist doesn’t try to talk me out of my legitimate anger at all. I think the first words out of her mouth were “we live in a patriarchy” Great Goddess bless her.