Feb 28 2009

“Sex therapist” to women: Just close your eyes and think of England

The blamer will kindly excuse me for today’s lack of megatwistanalysis, but there’s a minor crisis down at the Spinster HQ Ornithology Department. A certain sidekick — I’m not naming names, but it starts with an S and ends with a “ray” — left the back door open last night and this morning I’ve got a wild tufted titmouse thrashing around loose in the lab. It’s proving to be a helluva project getting it back out.

Yeah, I said “tufted titmouse.”

While I wave nets, throw open windows, and dodge droppings, the unnamed sidekick is down in the bunkhouse luxuriating in what I believe is referred to by certain BBC-America shows depicting the good old feudal days in merrye olde England as “a bit of a lie-down,” so it would appear that I’m on my own. As luck would have it, it’s the bird-catcher’s day off.

Anyone who is thinking “Just wake that unnamed sidekick’s ass up!” does not grasp that the unnamed sidekick, once jostled out of her nightly coma, takes between 2 to 3 hours to arrive at full consciousness. You’ve never seen anything like it. I’d need to inject about a quart of adrenaline directly into her eye just to get the lid to flutter.

But I digress.

The point of today’s post is a link to an article posted in the “Life & Style” section of the Sydney Morning Herald. It is entitled “Women should say yes, yes, yes more.”

Rape cheerleader and “sex therapist” Bettina Arndt got a bunch of presumably straight couples to keep sex diaries, cribbed from them, and wrote a book concluding that hetero relationships can’t take the strain of “low” female libidos, and that women should just suck it up for the sake of the marriage. Stop depriving the patriarch of his right to a receptacle and your marriage will bloom like Hamlet’s sins!

Wondering who funded this asinine piece of crap book? The World Association of Wife Rapists.

Arndt really feels for the poor, confused, blue-balled dudes. In the wake of the “liberation” of women, now that we have been “[given] the right to say ‘no’ to sex” — I know, you’re already laughing a hollow, mirthless laugh — they just aren’t getting their wives to submit to joyless pronging all that much anymore.

This revolting bit of antifeminist patriarchy-denying rape culture reportage contains this astonishing concept:

Arndt said low-libido partners, which are mostly women, needed to put sex on the “to-do list”, even if they didn’t feel like doing it.

“The notion that women have to want sex to enjoy it has been a really misguided idea that has caused havoc in relationships over the last 40 years.”

With the right approach from a loving partner, if women were willing to be receptive “and allow themselves to relax … they would enjoy it”, she said.”

I’m just going to run this by you again, in case your eyes (or whatever sensory organ you use to read this blog) clamped shut in disbelief when you read it the first time:

“The notion that women have to want sex to enjoy it has been a really misguided idea.”

Because women, whose libidos universally deviate so drastically from the norm, secretly yearn to be raped!


You see that clot of iridescent silver slime dripping down the outside of your window? Don’t be alarmed. It’s only a wayward hunk of the obstreperal lobe that just auto-ejected itself from my brain into space and is now re-entering the atmosphere in a million demoralized pieces. Which is too bad, because I sort of needed that lobe to help me catch this goddam bird.

[Thanks, Big Momma Les]


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  1. Astro

    This makes me sick to my stomach. Consider it part of the patriarchy’s constant question, “Why isn’t my penis inside you?”

  2. Chihiro

    Twisty , if a woman wrote in how her husband kept saying no to her wanting to shove a dildo up his arse EVRY DAY think this rape apologist would advise the guy he has no RIGHT to say no??? So no “honey my arse is sore” or “I don’t feel like it” or “why do you keep wanting to do this ONE thing all the time????” would work, she has a right to put various objects up your a-hole buddy whether you are ready or not! Does it hurt??? Then RELAAAAAAAAAAAX! Don’t feel like it? then pretend you enjoy it you big ol prude!! Of course this is bizzaro world I speak of because a man’s objection to do anything that HURTS him, degrades him or doesn’t benefit him much during sex is reasonable, a woman’s objection however means she hates sex, is a prude, only says no because she is being passive agressive to the man and doesn’t like being raped when she should enjoy it cos rape is fun if you just RELAAAAAAAAAAAX…. IBTP

  3. nobodyinparticular

    Yeah, I saw that in the SMH this morning. I only read the SMH because my daughter lives there. The SMH is truly vile. It’s 80% smut sheet, maybe (if we’re lucky) 20% mews. Guess that’s what the advertisers want, eh?

  4. Lauren O

    The original article quotes a woman saying of her husband, “He’d be snoring loudly and I’d still lie there worrying that the hand was going to come creeping over.” How does this sex therapist woman not connect that to rape? If you’re lying next to your husband in mortal fear of having sex, it occurs to me that maybe your approach to sex isn’t the problem. Maybe your husband approaches sex in a way that makes you feel literal fear.

    I’m just saying, when I’m not in the mood, my Nigel is 100% fine with it, which means that I don’t physically dread his sexual advances and can actually, you know, be in the mood at other times. Also, he turns me down more often than the other way around, a situation which doesn’t seem to exist in the wife-rapists’ universe, but that’s a whole ‘nother blog comment.

  5. terristrange

    I hate to come off sounding like a prude but in my experience, I have to want sex to enjoy it happening.
    Being one of the overwhelming statistics of women who’ve had sex forced upon them when they didn’t want it, I found it most impossible to enjoy, it seemed almost like a violent attack on my sovereignty.
    Perhaps I require some sort of genital surgery which will remove my pesky labia that just won’t get out of the way when I’m not aroused.

  6. Fhiona

    If men start kicking their wives out for not having sex, then who is going to do their cooking and cleaning? Perhaps if men stopped acting like giant babies, and actually did their 50%, then their wives might not feel so knackered, and might fancy a bit of a shag?

  7. WonkyFactory

    Now that I’m done vomiting, I just wanted to ask Twisty if she’d been keeping up on the news from Albuquerque:


    I mean, local women shouldn’t be worried or anything, since the victims were all whores.

    [Although serial killings in Albuquerque are a worthy topic, this comment actually belongs in my email inbox, not on a post about a delusional misogynist sex therapist (she said as gently as possible). Thanks! — The Twistatarian Comment Team]

  8. Rose Connors

    Begging forgiveness for being one of those hetero women with a high libido. If only my husband wanted sex one tenth as often as I do, I think I’d be happy. Someone ask Arndt about that, please.

  9. Ron Sullivan

    Ugh. Like Shewhocannotbenameday, I’m not awake enough to cope with yet another Grin and Bear It turd.

    Titmice is craaaaazy. Even crazier than hummingbirds, one or two of whom we have to eject from the parlor every couple weeks lately. (Fortunately they always go to the same window and I can catch ’em with a gimme cap.)

    Only other bird we get in the house is a California towhee now and then, kicking up the dustbunnies under the Hoosier. They’re pretty calm, though, and always find their own way out.

    I dunno; you might be better off leaving yer titmouse alone until it tires out. Easier to scoop up that way.

    This is not to be construed as sex advice to anybody.

  10. vee

    To add to the bad news, Oprah recently did a show with a sex therapist – I’m unsure of whether it was Arndt or someone else – who was also telling women that shouldn’t be saying no to their husbands. It was pretty horryfing to watch.

  11. van

    Damnit, that should be “they shouldn’t be saying no” and “horrifying”. Apologies.

  12. Twisty

    “Oprah recently did a show with a sex therapist – I’m unsure of whether it was Arndt or someone else – who was also telling women that shouldn’t be saying no to their husbands.”

    vee/van, you got a link to that?

  13. Twisty

    Ron: “I dunno; you might be better off leaving yer titmouse alone until it tires out. Easier to scoop up that way.”

    My current thinking, after consulting invisible people on the Internet, is that ducktaping sheets to block the light from all but the one open window is the way to go. Although, oddly, the titmouse seems to have disappeared. I looked it up, and this species generally is not thought to possess the ability to teleport or otherwise vanish into thin air, so I’m not sure what the hell is goin’ on.

  14. Belenen

    You know the real reason that the lack of sex puts a strain on the relationship? because the man considers himself entitled to her body, and considers sex to be the satisfaction of HIS desire, regardless of hers. Which makes every encounter to be sexually abusive, even if she actually happens to want it at the moment. If one person isn’t considering the other person’s desires about THEIR BODY, they’re being abusive.

    In a healthy relationship, neither person continues to want sex when the other person has expressed disinterest because get this — they consider the other person’s desire to be a vital component of sex. And both people understand that if they are feeling sexual desire and the other person isn’t, they can achieve orgasm without using the other person’s body to do so. Ta-da! no stress for the high-libido AND no rape for the low-libido!

    Only in a patriarchal world would a man consider pleasuring his penis to be a woman’s job and therefore beneath him. Only in a patriarchal world would a therapist — someone who by profession is supposed to help people heal — proclaim that a man’s desire is so much more important than a woman’s right to her OWN BODY that rape is a good idea. Only in a patriarchal world would anyone advocate a woman submitting to having her body plundered and her self broken down rather than a man having to stoop to servicing his own genitals.

  15. leah

    Twisty, I am worried for your health. With all of the rape apologist sex therapists* out there, I wonder how you can have any obstreperal lobe left, and whether this will affect the frequency of blaming, unless your obstreperal lobe is magically self-renewing, owning to the superhuman powers of spinster aunthood?

    *”Sex therapist” has always been a handy euphamism for “rape enabler” as nearly 99.9% of them say the exact same bullshit this one did. “Marital counselor” is another euphamism of the same sort, too. In order to get the couples counseling degree, applicants must chant “women must give their man their bodies” until they cannot say anything else.

  16. D.

    On the wagering board: Does this therapist take her own advice?

    Not that it matters, but there’s too much generalization from the specific going on lately.

  17. CoolAunt

    Titmouse: it’s neither a tit nor a mouse. Talk amongst yourselves.

    “The notion that women have to want sex to enjoy it has been a really misguided idea that has caused havoc in relationships over the last 40 years.”

    To no one in particular and anyone who knows the answer:

    This isn’t the first time in recent months that I’ve heard this bit of “revolting bit of antifeminist patriarchy-denying rape culture” advice for women. This “take it like a real woman” bullshit is obviously part of the backlash against women for whatever progress was made by second wave feminism in sexually liberating women. What I want to know is when did mainstream/media sex therapists dust off this pre-second wave sex advice for meat socks? I do realize that that bit of bullshit advice never truly went away, that it was always there, perhaps in less blatant language. Has it only been in recent months that message has become so plainly stated or have I just not noticed until lately? And why aren’t all women, feminist and otherwise, just as plainly shouting that message down?

  18. Notorious Ph.D.

    Rose, I’m with you. But I just can’t imagine a sex therapist telling a man that he shouldn’t say no when his wife/girlfriend/partner wants it. [wild speculation follows] It would probably be something along the lines of telling the woman that asking a man for sex more often than he wants it is emasculating behavior, and if she wants to keep this guy, she just needs to knock it off. Plus, he’s worked hard all day, and he’s tired, and why don’t you just cook him dinner and give him a nice shoulder massage?

  19. Comrade PhysioProf

    But I digress.

    Twisty, your digressions kick fucking ass!

    Comrade PhysioProf

  20. rootlesscosmo

    @ Ron Sullivan: this phrase

    a California towhee now and then, kicking up the dustbunnies under the Hoosier

    is so pretty it ought to be set to music. I mean it.

  21. mir

    Arndt said while giving women the right to say “no” to sex was an undisputed success of the women’s movement, “the female libido tends to be a fragile, easily distracted thing that gets buffeted by normal life and a couple can’t afford to have their intimacy reliant on that fragility”.

    My “libido” is neither fragile nor easily distracted. It’s my desire to hump someone who follows the patriarchy-approved Het Relationships For Straight Dudes manual that comes and goes. I find it hard to lubricate for someone who leaves me and my uterus all the cleaning, shopping, errands, child-rearing, home repair, pet maintenance, home finances, emotional intimacy and physical affection jobs because his wang hurts from swinging it around in Dude Nation all day.

    Though I’m sure that’s just me.

  22. Claire C. Cake

    vee/van: This post reminded me of the recent Oprah sex episodes, too. Especially the part about putting sex on your “to-do list.” Oh, and let’s not forget “surrender dates” (For women who like to be in control, these dates put the man in charge of deciding everything from what she wears, where they go, WHAT SHE EATS, etc.). Yeah.

    Twisty: Here’s a link to one of the Oprah episode overviews: http://www.oprah.com/slideshow/relationships/sex/pkgsex/20081002_tows_sex/1

    I advise reading all the sections with Dr. Laura Berman to get a better overview.

  23. mingo

    There are reasons a woman may not want to have sex – actual REASONS that make sense, not just “I need to be an irrational man-denying douche right now”. Although, come to think of it, that is a valid reason, too.

    It may be that the woman is tired after the 40-hour job, the cleaning, cooking and child care. It may be that there is a build-up of anger over years of being interrupted, not being listened to, being expected to automatically react correctly when the magic penis is enabled (according to the experts – porn writers, natch). This anger, of course, is Wrong and Frowned Upon, so the libido gets the hit.

    I doubt if any of that is contained in the rape-friendly, patriarchy-sucking screed. Can we send her hate mail?

  24. Virginia S. Wood, Psy.D.

    Sex from a To Do list requires, obviously, disassociating the act from what your body wants/needs/enjoys. Dissociation in this context is a singularly unhealthy defense, residing as it does on the border between extremely neurotic and mildly psychotic, not a healthy coping mechanism. IBTP for, once again (and still), promoting something so destructive to our psyches: Create some hysteria, then dis us for being nuts. Worse, they’ve co-opted a woman (women) to do it for them.

  25. Christina

    This is apparently Oprah’s regular sex therapist guest person.

    Dr. Phil for the rape promotion set.

    It’s an international conspiracy, it seems. There was another one, a guy oddly enough, who wrote this same article a few months ago. Denis Prager. Aren’t there rules against copying off another advice columnist’s paper like this?

  26. CoolAunt

    vee/van: This post reminded me of the recent Oprah sex episodes, too. Especially the part about putting sex on your “to-do list.” Oh, and let’s not forget “surrender dates” (For women who like to be in control, these dates put the man in charge of deciding everything from what she wears, where they go, WHAT SHE EATS, etc.). Yeah.

    Twisty: Here’s a link to one of the Oprah episode overviews: http://www.oprah.com/slideshow/relationships/sex/pkgsex/20081002_tows_sex/1

    That nut spouts a lot of misogynist bullshit but the absolute most dangerous in that piece is that women fantasize about being raped. Is Oprah trying to increase her show’s number of male viewers? Wtf?

  27. Michele

    Really-I can put sex on my ToDo list and be done with it just like that? Can I pay someone to do it for me like laundry or shopping? Can I do it in bulk and not have to do it again for weeks, maybe months? And if I have the right/responsibility to put it on my ToDo list, can I also decide that it’s simply not efficient to expend the much needed energy on something with no noticable productive endpoint and take if OFF my ToDo list?

    God- seriously. Mir- what you said.

  28. Nolabelfits

    There’s too much shit on my to do list already.

  29. Lovepug

    I will come out of my patriarchy closet and admit that I “did it anyway” several times throughout my marriage when I had post baby hormone weirdness.

    Asshat left me anyway. So much for this rape apologist’s theory.

    And women are constantly foregoing their needs within marriages. Why can’t hubby just go masterbate in the bathroom for chrissakes?

    The problem is not low libido. The problem is marriage.

  30. Oaktown Girl

    Notorious PhD and mir – brilliantly stated and I agree 100%.

  31. kate

    i put out for the patriarchy in my marriage (long ago, and i was VERY young) but started to get hives every time we had sex. i stopped having sex the day i turned him down he grabbed my arm pulled me into the bedroom and stated “it’s not YOUR body it’s OUR body!” i left altogether a few weeks later.

  32. PilgrimSoul

    Ah, finally, after all these years, the patriarchy explains to me why I’m supposed to be jealous of all the blissful married couples of the world: I just don’t get enough unenjoyable sex without marriage! My tiny violin bowstrings weep for the afflicted dudes. Won’t someone help a peen out?

  33. Lar

    Ok until the revolution happens can we just build an enormous bunker under some island or something? I saw how many blamers were on that world map, and that wasn’t even all of us!

    Shit, that kind of article literally makes me want to become a hermit.

  34. Fireflew

    Can somebody remind me what the actual personal benefits of marriage or long-term shacking up are again for women? Seriously? I mean, I understand the financial benefits for some women, but the long-term personal ones continue to elude me no matter how many married women I talk to. Once we get past the ‘love!’ and ‘companionship!’ bits, which don’t seem to last awfully long in many cases (if they even existed in the first place), it always seems to be some willingly self-imposed prison sentence to me. I know some young married women who talk earnestly about the ‘compromise’ so essential to their marriages but quite often that compromise sounds like little more than an endless series of capitulations on everything that’s actually important, like maintaining one’s physical integrity and sense of self.

  35. Fireflew

    Good god.

    My “libido” is neither fragile nor easily distracted. It’s my desire to hump someone who follows the patriarchy-approved Het Relationships For Straight Dudes manual that comes and goes … Though I’m sure that’s just me.

    No, no, it’s not. My libido is pretty damn consistent and pretty damn high. I might connect that to never having married, shacked up with a dude or been in any way into the Standard Issue Heterosexual Relationship Model with Classic Gender Role Accessories, though.

  36. The Hedonistic Pleasureseeker

    Henhg, hengh, hengh, Twisty said tit, heghn . . .

    Seriously: I’m so glad I live alone. I highly recommend it to anyone.

  37. Spiders

    Arndt is an asshole who has been promoting this shit for decades. Unfortunately she’s not the worst thing about the SMH (sick misogynist horseshit). Check out The Sams; sam in the city, and sam de brito, both regular rape apologist columnists for that paper.

    Lovepug-“The problem is not low libido. The problem is marriage.”
    Fuckin’ aye to that! When I did that thing, the living hell known as “marriage”, my libido was no different to what it is now or what it was before that. I wanted to have(and did have) sex a lot, just not with the dude I was legally shackled to.

  38. Sydney

    The article gives tons of examples of sex-starved men whose wives apparently never ask for sex.

    Am I the only one thinking that it might be because the sex is awful? Most men know jack shit about how to make sex pleasurable for a woman, and these sex-starved men probably only serve their own self-interests when they actually have sex with their wives.

    Believe it or not, women do have sex drives. But if the sex always sucks, they aren’t going to be eager to do it! And yet the advice isn’t, ‘Men, try to focus a little more on your partner during sex’, it’s ‘Women, please try and take it, even if you don’t like it’.

  39. octopod

    kate: Hives? Literally? That’s pretty wild — though certainly reasonable. Was it a latex allergy or a psychosomatic reaction?

  40. VibratingLiz

    May we pause a moment in our gnashing and rending to pay homage to the originator of the much maligned “lie back and think of England” quote? She was Alice Marian Mills (née Harbord-Hamond) (1857-1940), wife of the 2nd Baron George Hillingdon.

    In 1912 Lady Alice, who had accompanied her husband to Canada, wrote the famous words in a letter to her mother back home in England: “I am happy now that George calls on my bedchamber less frequently than of old. As it is, I now endure but two calls a week, and when I hear his steps outside my door I lie down on my bed, close my eyes, open my legs and think of England.”

    Bless her heart. My favorite yellow climbing tea rose ‘Lady Hillingdon’ was named after her, and wherever I’ve lived I’ve always planted one in her honor. Here’s a portrait of her, looking understandably joyless and weary and resigned:


  41. orlando

    Arndt’s mindmelting ignorance doesn’t begin to be fully illuminated by the extract above. I submit (the evidence way, not the sex way):
    * she gives one sentence (yes, ONE) to considering whether making the sex itself more pleasurable for the woman might increase her willingness to do it. However, she draws no conclusions on the idea.
    * she devotes no space AT ALL to questions of division of labour, and whether the vast amount of invisible work that women do in marriage might be leaving them too exhausted and resentful to want sex.
    * she recounts reports of women reading while their men have sex with them as proof of the terrible contempt with which the poor men are being treated, without noticing that if a woman is reading a book while a man has an orgasm in her, it doesn’t sound like it’s the man whose sexual needs are being ignored.
    * she takes the whinging of her male clients completely at face value, without appearing to have asked them about any of the above.

    The other two feature articles in the magazine are profiles of Eric Clapton and Barbie. Tells you all you need to know, I suppose.

  42. JetGirl

    It sounds like she and Los Angeles radio personality/fuckwit Dennis Praeger need to go bowling together. Praeger added to the ick factor, though, by saying earlier this year that wives should “give their bodies” to their husbands because those long-suffering men had countless opportunities every day to stick their peepees into other willing holes, but “heroically” resisted because of their frigid maids, ahem, mates. I asked my heroic husband if he battled such horrible temptation 24/7, and he looked confused. Then slightly wistful. Then confused.

  43. kate

    VibratingLiz: Thank you for the photo link. So nice to put a face with the quotation. And octopod: yes, literally, hives – not a latex reaction Never has happened with anybody else, and didn’t with my ex initially until I started to hate him (after years of abuse) so I guess it was a psychosomatic reaction.

  44. Betsy

    God damn it. I just want to enjoy sex ONCE in my lifetime without having to look over my shoulder for what the god-damned patriarchy thinks / acts / says / forces on me and my partner about it. But there’s no getting away from it.

    Regarding the titmouse — while it’s daylight, darken all the lights and shade the windows, and leave one door open to the daylight outside. When next the birdlet is roused into flight, she’ll head for the brightness and freedom.

    This might even be easier at night, if you have a porch light or some other way to brighten the outdoors.

    This is how I get wrens out of the house. I’m assuming it works for titmice.

  45. Deschant

    Just wondering: how much do these sex advice columns have to do with sexology as a science? When I was an assiduous reader of such columns, in my teens and early twenties (oh the happy pre-feminist days!), many of the columnists presented themselves as “sexologists” (I’m not from the USA though, so might be a regional thing). I don’t know a lot about sexology as a science, but I refuse to believe that all of it is so entrenched in patriarchal BS (I read The Hite Report ages ago, and it sounded pretty feminist). I remember one of the said columnists/sexologists (who was quite a celebrity and had a weekly show on national television) answering to women who didn’t want to perform oral sex on her male partners that they should get over their ‘conditioning’ (OK, she might have had a point here as I come from a very Catholic country, but what if they simply did not want to do it?) and get used to it with the help of a number of techniques. Once a woman wrote to say that her male partner wouldn’t perform oral sex on her. The ‘sexologist’s’ answer? She should absolutely respect his decision and not even mention the topic again. Well, I believe this was the right answer, but for both genders, and not only for men.

  46. Clara Sabell

    Oft-quoted Bettina Arndt has been a shit-stirring, dude-apologising, patriarchal mouth piece for a couple of decades now. She’s made so many extreme calls in her attention seeking opinion pieces that, fortunately, few here take her seriously any more; she’s like the Ann Coulter of the Southern Hemisphere. Scary thing is, that piece was one of two virulently anti-feminist rants in the paper yesterday, the other:


  47. Betsy

    That’s what I get for reading the comments upward: vanished titmouse. Maybe she decided to hunker down for a while. Avoidance is a legitimate technique.

    I just love how each titmouse comes equipped with a jaunty crest that can be raised and lowered according to mood. I also love that they are not sexually dimorphic. Everybody gets a crest.

    And I love how all the little birds (titmice, chickadees, kinglets, butterrumps) hang out in mixed-species flocks and stick together for roosting, predator harassment, and foraging.

    Please let us know how it turns out.

  48. VibratingLiz

    @ feral: I haven’t time to read the articles, but I’d be surprised if there isn’t an admonition echoing the common justification for pornography; ie, if you don’t put out, hubby will resort to screwing/raping someone else to satiate his undeniable male urges. It’s only natural! Take one for the team, ladies.

    When I was googling for the exact words of the Lady Hillingdon quote, I came across the usual commentary by dudes such as this gem by a fellow called “Randy”: “With an attitude like that I’m surprised George made a twice weekly call. Methinks the Chamber Maid was kept busy on at least 5 nights a week.”

    Hardy har.

  49. slythwolf

    I just made a post about the patriarchal myth that women secretly yearn to be raped. It just won’t go away! We are all deluding ourselves, apparently, and want dudesex dudesex dudesex all the time. Couldn’t just be that the dudes are projecting, could it?–That they figure if they enjoy something then women, as articles of furniture designed primarily for pronging, must enjoy it too? ‘Cause why would we not constantly yearn to be pronged if we’re made for pronging? Why would we ever want sex to be any different from exactly what our lords-and-masters want to do to us?

    Oh, wait. Maybe women are human beings and not rape furniture! No, no, I’m just delusional. Someone stick a penis in me, quick, before my silly lady brain explodes from too much thinking!

  50. Donna

    “Praeger added to the ick factor, though, by saying earlier this year that wives should “give their bodies” to their husbands because those long-suffering men had countless opportunities every day to stick their peepees into other willing holes, but “heroically” resisted because of their frigid maids, ahem, mates.”

    So why do men ever marry in the first place? Would save women the trouble, and the hard lives marriage entails for women. Why the hell do they marry in the first place?

  51. Cath Elliott

    Psychotherapist and family therapist Gary Neuman has also appeared on Oprah. According to Neuman, if a woman wants to keep her husband faithful, she should give him sex on demand:


    There seems to be a bit of a theme developing.

    I blame the patriarchy.

  52. Notorious Ph.D.

    I took a look at the other piece that Clara linked to. Outrageous, but apparently feminists are to blame, because we promote stripping as empowerful:

    A primping session with a hairdresser prompted tears from the 21-year-old former Sydney stripper Nicole. For all the feminist theses about the empowering benefits of stripping, it’s not what Nicole says she wants.

    Yes. That’s the goal of feminism: get women to serve as sexual objects. But then it gets sad:

    At one points [sic] she admits she needs a “10-drink minimum” to muster the courage to get on stage and strip.

    “You can always go home and cry and let it out,” Nicole tells the hairdresser, “but at work you’ve just got to keep professional.”

    This makes me want to weep. And nowhere in there is the idea that maybe men in the hyper-patriarchal Aussie culture might be to blame for Nicole’s tears. Nope. It’s us feminists, raising our daughters to be strippers. ‘Cause that’s what we want for women.


  53. otoc

    I don’t think Oprah has much education on the topic of feminism, TBH. She does numerous woman-hating shows. She is also an extreme bootstrap religionist.

  54. Distingué Traces

    Off-topic: wondered if you’d seen this.

    Porn is empowerful and choicey etc. etc.

    [While the demographics of porn consumers are an interesting curiosity, this link belongs in an email in my inbox, not on a thread about delusional sex therapists. Thanks — the Twistarian Comment Monitoring Team]

  55. hero

    One of my favorite horrible jokes (Maybe I have posted it before? If so I apologise. Actually I apologise anyway, because it’s, like I said, horrible): Man calls the doctor, says, “I think my wife is dead.”
    Doctor, horrified, says, “‘THINK’? What do you mean you only THINK she’s dead? How can you not KNOW?”
    Man says, very savvy, “Well, see, that’s just the thing. The SEX is the same, but the DISHES are piling up.”

  56. orlando

    Also, this is an example of the very common equation of “men are resentful” with “men are justified in being resentful”. They can go ahead and be as resentful as they like, it doesn’t make them right.

    Clara, I wish I could believe your assessment of Ardnt’s irrelevance, but if she’s getting the cover of the Good Weekend well, I’d just like to see a feminist be offered such rewards for not being taken seriously.

  57. Denise

    The original article quotes a woman saying of her husband, “He’d be snoring loudly and I’d still lie there worrying that the hand was going to come creeping over.” How does this sex therapist woman not connect that to rape?

    There is something VERY VERY WRONG in the relationship if one person fears the other. It is not fun to lie in bed and be afraid to go to sleep because you don’t know what you will wake up to. It is not fun to dread bedtime and spend a good hour or more of your day brainstorming ways to distract him from trying to rape you tonight. It is not fun to jump out of bed at the first sound of the alarm clock and then lock yourself in the bathroom because if you don’t he’ll demand sex and/or try to get in the shower with you. And that thing that is very very wrong? It is not the fact that the woman doesn’t wanna have sex with the asshole. It is the asshole’s fault for raping the woman in the first fucking place and thereby causing her to fear sex.

    And you know what else isn’t fun? Moving on to the next significant other and waking up screaming in the night because they accidentally rolled over and touched you.

  58. gare

    I’ve just shipped Twisty a case of Guano-B-Gone. Life is too short for bad upholstery.

  59. zooeyibz

    Apparently, they’re all at it. The Mexican edition of Glamour magazine had a very empowerful article by a young married woman who had ‘lost’ her libido and was sagely advised to ‘do it anyway.’ IB the fucking P

  60. Nolabelfits

    The only reason women can be given this advice is because they are economically enslaved via children and therefore have no choice to just get the hell out.

  61. Lewis

    JoAnn Loulan delivered a version of this odious advice to lesbians in the 80’s and 90’s. She wielded the charming term “lesbian bed death” to shame lesbians in relationships into putting out more often, even if they didn’t really feel like it. Loulan set herself up as an expert on such matters about five minutes after having sex with a woman for the first time (and after having been straight and a sex therapist to same for years before that).

    Advising lesbians on compulsory sex will also get you on Oprah – Loulan appeared there any number of times.

    To say that she caused damage with this ugly trope is an understatement. It became a standard putdown of lesbians and their sex lives and I believe many women internalized the shaming message about their relationships.

    After cutting a swath through the lesbian community, Loulan, oops!, decided that she wanted to fuck men again. But told her lesbian readers that she was indeed, still a lesbian. This was the basis of a bizarre argument that you could fuck men exclusively and then marry a man, but still call yourself a lesbian and expect others to accept your identification as such. Oprah anyway.

    Maybe there’s a useful subcategory to be had from all of this:
    Women Hate You – For Profit.

  62. PatriarchySlayer

    JetGirl, regarding the piece of shit named Dennis Praeger, my favorite part of his ‘let’s rape our wives’ cheer was the part where he mentioned that the best gift a woman can give her husband is her body, but it does not go the other way. Have you ever heard of a man “giving” his body to his wife? Ha, never. It’s ridiculous. Or so the Praeger-Prick would like to believe.

    Deschant, I was watching a certain sex show the other night, and a young man called in to inquire about how he can get his girlfriend to swallow after she gives him head. Lovely. I was screaming at the TV by the end of the segment, but not once in the entire answer period did the sexologist say, “Well, buddy if she doesn’t want to there isn’t anything wrong with that. What the fuck is your problem for trying to force her to do it in the first place?”

    And this is supposed to be a very enlightened show. I was shocked, and fucking pissed.

    And last but not least in response to the think of England idea (this might be somewhat off topic), but a friend of mine (who is a man) showed me a picture of his family once. He had several brothers and sisters, mom and dad. All the men in the family were smiling, and all the women looked like they were ready to kill someone. Joyless, dead eyes. I was shocked, and once I began asking some questions, came to find out his sisters had all been circumcised. No wonder they were angry. They may never enjoy sex, ever. And of course, my friend had no idea why this idea made me want to go throw up in his toilet. Joyless and dutiful, that is how they would like women to be. IBTP

  63. Enid

    Actually. Thinking of England isn’t a bad idea, really. Lovely places, good fried fish.

    Oh. OH! Oh, THAT kind of Think of England!

    Never mind.

  64. keshmeshi

    I’d like to know how often those men would get laid if they were single. I’m guessing that many of them would get laid rarely, if at all, were they not in a committed relationship.

    I’ve also dated (although never been in a long-term relationship with) men who were completely hopeless in bed. It makes me sad that so many women are raised to suppress their own sexual needs that those men will ultimately have no problem finding wives and long-term girlfriends. And, of course, “therapists” will come along and helpfully inform those women of their conjugal responsibilities.

    Also, therapist: the-rapist. Coincidence?

  65. nails

    Gross. It’s essentially saying that sex should be a chore. I can’t think of any other way to interpret it when they say to put it on ‘a to-do list’. Ewww. My to-do lists are made up of things I would not finish otherwise because they are not any fun at all. It’s not like you treat it like a chore and then all of a sudden it doesn’t feel like one anymore when the mood is right. it just keeps feeling like a chore. It’s a punishment in more ways than one, it’s an immediate oppressive force on top of a constant force that carves away at het women enjoying sex.

    With proper knowledge about the patriarchy the cycle wouldn’t begin in the first place. God damn, they should totally teach women’s studies stuff in middle school; I cannot even fucking IMAGINE the amount of trouble that literally every woman I’ve known could have avoided with some key knowledge about the patriarchy.

  66. Chai Latte

    This lady sucks. So do men who think this way.

    End of story.

  67. yttik

    In the Witches of Eastwick Jack Nicholson’s character says a line I’ll never forget, when asked if he is married:

    “The answer is no, I don’t believe in it. Good for the man, lousy for the woman. She dies, she suffocates. I’ve see it! And then the husband runs around complaining that he’s fucking a dead person, and he’s the one who killed her!”

    Yes indeed, she suffocates under the weight of that huge to do list that has providing him with sex ranked somewhere between cleaning the toliets and sorting the recycling.

    Really sad, after a few years of that, cleaning the toliets becomes one of the more enjoyable tasks.

  68. Ron Sullivan

    …a young married woman who had ‘lost’ her libido

    If she’s lost her libido, my advice is: Follow it.

  69. admirerofemily

    I’m so glad you posted this. I almost puked myself when I read it and thought ‘I must share this with the blametariat!’. Glad someone got round to it before me.

    A personal worst (there are so many) from this article is where this arch-partriachy apologist Arndt quotes a friend of hers saying:

    “I tell him, you can have 50 thrusts but don’t jiggle my book”

    and then uses this to illustrate her contention that:

    “it’s only when you listen to the men..that you realise the impact of the contempt with which we treat them”.

    So, there’s a bloke thrusting away whilst his partner reads. And this is not contemptible?!?!?!?!

  70. polly styrene

    I would like to say something apposite, but my brain just exploded as well. I think feminists need to be working hard on a cure for Stockholm syndrome.

  71. caitlinate

    This article was just an intro article to the longer and more detailed one in the magazine supplement of the paper. The Sydney Morning Herald, and its Melbourne counterpart ‘The Age’, both ran the full version which is even more sickening and terrifying. I can’t even pick a favourite rage inducing moment because there are so many.
    This isn’t some once in a blue moon event either. A few months back they published an article in the ‘Essay’ section on a Saturday about how all women have rape fantasies and this is normal and good (with the obvious implications). Oh and another good one was how all female art is bad because it is self indulgent and all male art is good full stop. The conclusion seemed to be that women only make art because they’re narcissists. In both cases a WOMAN wrote the articles.

  72. Alex

    I love the way she talks about men ‘hurting from rejection’, as if ‘rejection’ and ‘unwanted penetration’ are somehow equivalent complaints. Maybe ‘deliberate and wilful rejection’ should now be made a criminal offence, since it is now, apparently, universally recognised as being as serious as rape. ‘Tough on rape, tough on the causes of rape (i.e. women)’?

    For f***’s sake. If a man wants sex, how about he tries to make his partner feel like something other than a conveniently available orifice? Perhaps, even, a human being of equal value? Then she might actually feel inclined to have sex with him. Or is this just a nasty feminist being too demanding again? Bloody patriarchy.

  73. PatriarchySlayer

    Isn’t it funny that some of the most influential anti-feminists are in fact women? I can never understand that. It makes me sick. It reminds me of the Alanis Morrisette song, “Sister Blister”. She sums it up quite nicely.

  74. Betsy

    Alex — I think you’ve identified something critical that proves Twisty’s point about ‘universal consent’ being the default scenario (where women, as the sex class, must be universally sexually available, on terms defined by men).

    If consent is presumed to be universal, then ‘rejecting’ an overture is indeed a violation … whereas ‘unwanted penetration’ is merely an oxymoron, since the patriarchal default is universal submission to penetration — whether it’s unwanted is irrelevant.

    At the heart of the matter, that default assumption of ‘universal consent’ is what causes Arndt and the others to focus on ‘rejection’ as the violation, and not on ‘unwanted penetration’. The only violation they see in ‘unwanted penetration’ is that the principle of universal consent.

  75. Betsy

    Beg pardon — “The only violation they see in ‘unwanted penetration’ is that OF the principle of universal consent.”

  76. thebewilderness

    It really is that stark, isn’t it?
    The primary function of a woman is defined as providing service to men and the state. Clean their house, produce their children, and service them sexually. Anything you do that does not improve your ability to perform your primary function is selfish and unnecessary.
    In exchange you may receive food, shelter, and heat. You will also enjoy the advantage of only servicing the needs of one man, instead of many.
    Dworkin wrote about this strange phenomenon of women who reject full human status for women in her book “Right Wing Women”

  77. Kathleen

    Stuff like this proves to me that if we could get a feminist Jon Stewart on the teevee it would be comedy *gold*. All you need after a line like the one about the misguidedness of thinking female desire has anything to do with good heterosexual sex is a disbelieving reaction shot from the host. voila, laff city.

    Of course, the odds of such a show being made and put on the air, even given the success of the Daily Show? Zilcherooni. Of course, IBTP.

  78. Helen H.

    I used to participate in a marriage discussion forum. You probably won’t be surprised by some of the most common themes there.

    There was a neverending supply of men who would scream and wail about how their lives could not be anything other than miserable unless they had sex on demand. I’ve always been puzzled by this — it sounds like an extremely severe pathology to me. Think about it; these guys actually claim that life could be superlatively wonderful in every way, but if they can’t prong a woman whenever the whim strikes, they are condemned to abject misery. It’s bizarre to arrange you life around a single obsession that way.

    The forum was hosted on the website of the author of a particular set of books, which I had read. The author was very clear about what to do if your spouse seems to want sex less frequently than you do: 1. Fix all other problems in the marriage first before trying any “sexual” fixes, and 2. Only have sex in the way the person who wants sex less frequently wants it.

    Big shock, none of the men who complained about not enough sex on that forum actually followed this advice. Some would lie about following it, but it would become obvious from their posts that they were lying.

  79. orlando

    Caitlinate, I think I missed both those articles (which is probably a good thing for my mental health), do you remember who wrote them? Anything by Miranda Devine doesn’t count, as they keep her solely for the purpose of writing offensive drivel to infuriate rational people.

    It should surprise no one that the patriarchy is shrewd enough to buy the support of some women by dangling the heady promise of a conditional “exception” label in front of them.

  80. thebewilderness

    What happened with the birdy, if you please?

  81. Donna


    Those clever menz probably think if a woman’s saying it – it MUST be true and no one can complain. A lot of newspapers employ female sexists to hide behind. She’ll be told what to write; or at the very least given a huge pat on the back.

  82. Foilwoman

    As a now-blissfully-free-of-the-bonds-of-matrimony straight female, that SMH article just makes me even more blissful that I’m a broke single mother who only has sex with a man when I want to have sex with a man. My ex used to complain that I had lost interest, but didn’t want to change any behavior that might help said interest. Soon, it was more than my interest that was lost. Hey, I’d have wanted sex with him a lot more if it had remained mutually orgasmic, but it devolved into a chore for me. Which I didn’t want to do. I lived in Spain for a while, and one of my acquaintances there referred to sex with her husband as “la faena” (the chore) without any irony.

    Dudes of the universe: if it’s a chore for her, you’re doing more than one thing wrong. It ain’t paint by numbers: it’s paying attention to another human being and her desires. If you don’t know about her desires, well, you’re not carrying your share of the burden now are you.

    IBTP. And that Arndt-critter? Ew. Makes you realize that the move from asexual to sexual reproduction was not necessarily progress.

  83. PatriarchySlayer

    Although I agree with most of what has been said on this thread, I have to admit as a single person, that we are making this issue sound hopelessly depressing. Are there any ladies that have loving, wonderful men who can please them sexually? If so, can you please ask your significant other to start a pro-feminist sex workshop for men? Share the love!

  84. Sandi Worthen

    Once I had an idiotic ex who got angry with me for not being interested in strange prongings at odd hours when I was a brand new mommie. I tried to explain to him that it was just like the Arrested Development song “Momma’s Always On Stage”, and that being a nursing mother took a lot of literal energy. So BFD that I was in bed trying to sleep at 9 o’clock p.m.??? As this situation developed, that is to say worsened, he decided that it was thusly all MY FAULT that he turned out to be a porn addict! Right! Finally got rid of him I am happy to say. Have not ever had a problem with my libido since. (Didn’t have a problem to begin with.) Now on the subject of inside birds: sometimes they get in through the doggie door and flit around the screened-in-porch until I prop the human door open and they find the light-o-day…other times it’s a cat thing: the girls will bring one in, and then it’s my job to grab a dish towel and rescue the avian friend…bad kitties!!!

  85. jerry

    It’s indeed a sad day when sex has to be reduced to such a low level.

    Under Patriarchy, men grow up ignorant about sex, their own and women’s as well. Many prefer to remain ignorant rather than growing up into an adult, someone capable of interactive behavior with an intimate. That is quite threatening.

    When it comes right down to it, men are fucking scared. Particularly of women. That’s why we strip them of their vitality and zest for life, then complain that they’re lukewarm.

    Let’s face it, men have sullied and tainted every aspect of sex, whatever they could get their warped minds around. Is it any wonder that sexual problems are so big in couple’s lives? All of our sexual beliefs and practices have been filtered through the twisted minds of men.

    That’s why men can actually say shit like this with a straight face (and actually believe it): a woman should have sex even if she doesn’t feel like it. This makes men’s lack of sexual/personal ability okay. He’s off the hook. This is the way it’s always been.

    It’s a sad day cause it legitimizes, sets up as normative, behavior that reduces women to objects, receptacles. Of course it’s just translating into the sexual sphere what is already operative in other areas. Women are down and it’s patriarchy’s job to keep them there.

    Sex is men’s Achilles’ heal. In more ways than one.

  86. Carolyn

    I’ve just finished The Choice of Hercules by AC Grayling (a friend recommended Grayling, not that particular book)–one of the many things in it that pissed me off is his opinion that feminism has driven straight women away from sex, and that everyone would be happier if feminist straight women were able to release their ‘guilt’ about having sexual relationships with men and embrace ‘female heterosexuality’. I’d been thinking of writing him a letter, but honestly I think instead I’ll just email him the link to this post and comments.

  87. Carolyn

    Well, I tried to at least–his email address says ‘no such user’.

  88. otoc

    Tell Grayling that feminists (of both genders) have better sex lives:


  89. caitlinate

    @Patriarchyslayer – I know a few men who work really hard to be pro-feminist and are pretty switched on when it comes to notions of consent (and contraception with those old enough to having vasectomies!). However, some of these men are ones who have been sexually assaulted and so had these notions fairly violently introduced to them.

    @orlando. I did a search and think the two articles might just be one article? I don’t want to read it again to make sure but the search terms i used both matched to this article. You can see it here. It was written by Elizabeth Farrelly.

  90. Emma

    If Bettina Arndt hadn’t existed, the patriarchy would have had to invent her. I’ve been trying (and sometimes failing) to avoid her vile misogynist blathering for 20 years or more, being an Australian blamer. Every now and then I let my eyes stray onto her pages, and find myself transfixed with a terrible fascination that takes hours, even days to fully wear off. She has never, in decades of writing for Australian newspapers, penned a pro-woman word or sentence, and her motto should be “I rationalise the patriarchy”. She’s made a career out of it. The fact that she’s female just makes her more marketable. Even the disgusting sexist men who write for the Sydney Morning Herald, like Paul Sheehan, say things like “Bettina hasn’t mellowed with age” (today’s Herald) meaning, “I can’t believe that some woman doesn’t murder her for the sex-treachery she perpetrates”. Not that he knows that’s what he means.
    Thank goodness that we can read Twisty’s palate-cleansing blaming to get the taste out of our heads. If you’ll forgive the mixed metaphor.

  91. dawn coyote

    Belenen said: “You know the real reason that the lack of sex puts a strain on the relationship? because the man considers himself entitled to her body, and considers sex to be the satisfaction of HIS desire, regardless of hers. Which makes every encounter to be sexually abusive, even if she actually happens to want it at the moment.”

    I was married to that guy.

  92. Rayedish

    My brain needs a wash after reading Miranda Devine, Bettina Ardent and and Elizabeth Farrelly all in one evening. Fem-bots they are, mouthpieces for the patriarchy and their writing is toxic sludge.

  93. D

    thebewilderness The primary function of a woman is defined as providing service to men and the state. Clean their house, produce their children, and service them sexually. Anything you do that does not improve your ability to perform your primary function is selfish and unnecessary.

    Ding Ding! We have a winnah!

  94. Orange

    The default advice for couples in which one partner wants sex with the other less often should be encapsulated by the classic LOLcats line “ur doin it rong.” And that’s addressed to the fella, not the lady. What in particular he is doing wrong varies, but surely he is doing something wrong. Wife not interested in sex with you? If she hasn’t announced a lifetime ban on ever engaging in sexual behavior again, the problem isn’t her, it’s you.

    My Nigel and I have been together for 21 years and I’ve never once had sex when I didn’t want to, never been coaxed past resistance. (Mind you, I don’t shame him into boinking when he’s not in the mood either.)

  95. Kathleen

    PatriarchySlayer — in 99 cases out of 100, you have to train em yourself. Which you are only able to do if you have a clue about feminism, which is why yes — as otoc tells us — feminists do have better sex lives.

    I myself have never met the 1 in 100 already-totes-consciousness-raised groovy dude, but I’m willing to hope he exists.

  96. Alex

    Betsy – you put it so much better than I did. You would have taken the words out of my mouth, if only I had better words coming out of my mouth.

    PS: This is what I always think about Twisty, too.

    (Collapses in a heap of diffident Englishness)

  97. Helen

    Twisty, there’s a longer and worser article about that Arndt book that was published in the AGE (the SMH’s equivalent in the South-east) in the weekend supplement. Can’t find it yet with a quick google, but will find it tonight. There are things in it which will make the final chunks of obstreperal lobe hit the wall, thus putting you out of your misery. No, don’t thank me!

  98. Jezebella

    @PatriarchySlayer: As a single person, I find myself uplifted by the notion that I’m not missing much of anything worthwhile, based on what I’m reading here.

  99. Hedgepig

    “Thank goodness that we can read Twisty’s palate-cleansing blaming to get the taste out of our heads.”

    Emma, there’s nothing mixed about this metaphor: it’s spot on!

  100. Aqua

    Emma, you are so right about the vileness of Arndt. Like not a few women, alas, she’s found a damn good living to be made in doing the patriarchy’s dirty work for it. She’s so revolting that even when I was ten years old I knew the stuff she wrote was evil. While we’re on about such women, how about the ever-egregious Catharine Lumby, always telling us how great porn is (and empowerfulling of course) and do you remember her supposedly consulting to the Australian Rugby League on rape prevention? She was their figleaf but it didn’t work -as the letter in the SMH pointed out yesterday – we know the rugby league season has begun for the year because the rapes by footballers have started on the Gold Coast?

  101. genstar

    Oh thank god for you people – I have been reading this article and references to this article all day, filled with posts from usually rational people saying things like ‘relationships are about compromise’ ‘if you don’t put out, you can’t blame him for going elsewhere’ and variations on ‘men are animals and have insatiable sexual needs also they can’t clean up because cavemen never cleaned’ until I thought I was going mad!

    That was beautifully said, Twisty, as always. My own Nigel wants sex far less than I do (I know, I do not exist in Bettina-land, no in depth studies for me. Sigh). We get around this almost insurmountable problem by, having sex when we’re both in the mood. Crazy, wild idea – but somehow sex doesn’t seem the same if you know the other person is doing it from some guilty sense of obligation.

    I am blaming very hard over here

  102. Antoinette Niebieszczanski

    For any fella whose wife’s libido has gone the way of the titmouse and disappeared, I’d suggest the purchase of a fur mitten and some astroglide. In my world, this is the only sex partner you’re entitled to on a 24-7 basis.

  103. caitlinate

    Sorry Rayedish! I really should have put a ‘do not read if you value your sanity’ note on that Elizabeth Farrelly link. Here is an article from Catherine Deveney that might put a bit more cheer in the hearts of Australian blamers. Maybe.

  104. Joolya

    Ok. I’ll cop to being a boy-shagging (call me 75% hetero) woman. And I’ve been reading a lot of late about the low-libido phenomenon in women in long-term domestic partnerships. It’s being blamed on all kinds of factors, but you know the one that resounds in its absence?

    Maybe the ladies are just *bored* of their long-term (male) partners!

    It’s well-chronicled in menfolk that familiarity breeds, if not contempt, then at least disenchantment. Why is this no considered a viable option to explain why, after 7 years or whatever, the ladies are not getting hot for their gentleman loves anymore? For serious. It’s so beyond the pale for nice girls to even admit, that while they maybe still love Nigel, that love is just not enough to make the sight of Nigel’s hairy ass for the seven thousandth time get the old juices flowing. So this obvious explanation gets sublimated into, “Gosh, what is the matter with me?! I guess my libido is just dried up! Uh-oh!”

    Why why why is it off-limits to suggest that maybe humans just get acclimated to and bored of their life-partners after a while, not for any bad reason, but just because we are animals that crave noveltly and hot sex with persons whose dick we’ve never had to cheer up when it wasn’t feeling well or whose menstrual blood we’ve never seen drip onto the fresh sheets or never peed in front of or had to get used to the snoring of or watched every season of the Sopranos with over a cold snowy February, which is fun, but not sexy. Why?

  105. Nolabelfits

    good point Joolya. All that monogamy crap is just another form of control.

  106. PatriarchySlayer

    Jezebella, I quite agree actually. When people start spouting off about all the things I have to do, give up, and the person I need to be in order to be married, I kind of think, okay so basically, it’s me minus my brains and desires. Okay…no.

  107. crankosaur

    I am of the opinion that a large portion of men should not be allowed to have sex with anyone in any situation ever or until they learn to stop being massive douchebags. The kind of men who leave their wives in fear of rape are among these men. May they wake up tomorrow without testicles.

  108. terese

    Greetings Fellow Blamers!
    I read Twisty’s post and the comments the other day with the usual mix of rage and frustration at the overarching power of the patriarchy, along with gratitude and relief that I’m not alone in resisting it. (A feeling I’ve largely come to expect when I enter the IBTP website.)

    This topic really hit home with me – I spent at least six out of the twelve years with a previous partner ‘fearing his hand coming creeping over’ and could never get through to him that he couldn’t treat me like the (unpaid) maid outside the bedroom and expect wild passion inside it. As has happened everytime up until now, I get to the end of the thread and think “Wow, they were all wonderful, articulate peices – no need to add to that.”

    Amazingly, I logged out, went downstairs to drive to work, turned on the radio to the beginning of an interview with said rape cheerleader. Her condescending tone is almost as annoying as her material but I thought I’d post the link for anyone who feels they can stomach it : http://www.abc.net.au/rn/lifematters/stories/2009/2506980.htm
    It was so hard to listen to I literally missed two turns on the way to work and arrived twenty minutes late. You have been warned.

    It was ALL pretty sickening, but the one that hit home personally for me was the assertion that Women’s magazines are constantly telling guys to do the laundry and help out with the housework and they’ll get more sex. Not true, according to the men Bettina interviewed. They helped out HEAPS and STILL didn’t get any!

    Really. The last ABS statistics I read on the division of houshold labour showed no significant increase in mens household labour – and if interviewing 98 couples as Bettina did qualifies as adequate ‘research’ to write a book on the subject, I think I could find double that many in a week who would tell a different story.
    Doing the laundry once a year then demanding sex because of it does NOT count as doing your share of the house hold chores.
    Running second to that was the assertion that these poor guys felt ‘duped’ because in the first few months or years of their relationship they got heaps of hot sex, then it petered out. I’ve got a news flash for you fellas – the women you married feel cheated too.
    Only in a patriarchy.

  1. Fucking for Australia « bella gerens

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