The Twisty Institute for the Study of Heterofemininity (TISH) invites women with boyfriends, husbands, and/or fathers to answer the following questions as honestly as possible. The raw data will be tabulated, collated, analyzed, duplicated, dipilated, notated, submitted, cited, misinterpreted, misquoted, and thrown away next week.
On special occasions, or when he’s seeking your approval, does your boyfriend or husband dance provocatively in lacy satin lingerie and a pair of Christian Louboutin pumps, the price of which would shock you?
In school, were most of the assigned books written by poor women of color?
Does your boyfriend, husband, or father spend a lot of time and money on beauty?
Are some women sluts?
When you go deer hunting, does your boyfriend or husband visit the spa for an herbal wrap, a facial, and a pedi?
Is your boyfriend, husband, or father afraid to walk alone at night?
Does your boyfriend, husband, or father yearn for shiny hair with “luscious volume”?
Would your boyfriend or husband continue to raise your kids and keep house for you if you stopped putting out?
After the presidential inauguration, when your boyfriend, husband, or father had a light lunch with the girls, did the subject of Michelle Obama’s outfit come up?
Is there a fair representation of women in authoritative positions in government, organized religion, media, or business?
When you see a professional sports event, are the athletes usually women?
Does your boyfriend, husband, or father take steps to eliminate his “feminine odor”?
Does your boyfriend, husband, or father ever try to appease you by tilting his head and giggling?
Is your boyfriend, husband, or father expected to wear makeup and heels to work?
Are the bosses at your job mostly women?
Does your boyfriend, husband, or father think it would be good to have “glowing skin”?
Does your boyfriend or husband constantly nag you to leave the seat down?
When it’s time to buy a new car, are you the one who negotiates with the salesman because you’ll get a better deal?
Does your boyfriend, husband, or father carry a can of pepper spray in his purse?
Does your husband thank you for babysitting?
When your boyfriend or husband buys a cute new bag, is he crestfallen when you fail to notice?
Do your fiance and his father eagerly look forward to planning your wedding?
For Valentine’s Day, do you give your boyfriend or husband a sexy nightie and a box of chocolates? Or, if you forget, does he feel hurt?
Has your boyfriend, husband, or father undergone breast augmentation surgery? Tummy tuck? Liposuction?
Does your boyfriend, husband, or father accept with a resigned sigh that the women in his office are usually given higher salaries and better promotions than the men?
Does your boyfriend, husband, or father wait tables at Hooters?
Are you OK with it if your boyfriend or husband gains a little weight, because curvy men turn you on?
When your boyfriend or husband would rather just cuddle, do you pick a fight?
Does your boyfriend, husband, or father clean the toilets with harsh chemicals?
Do you love the way heels make his legs look longer and sexier?
When dudes on the street whistle or make suggestive comments to your boyfriend, husband, or father, does he photograph them and send the pictures to HollaBack?
Is your boyfriend, husband, or father a primary school teacher, a nanny, a maid, or a stay-at-home mom because he finds it so gratifying to make personal sacrifices for others that he doesn’t mind the low or non-existent pay?
Do you send your boyfriend, husband, or father email forwards describing rape avoidance techniques?
Does lipstick scientifically formulated with ginkgo biloba, licorice, and tea tree oil give your boyfriend’s or husband’s lips a fuller, plumper, more kissable look?