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Mar 04 2009

Spinster aunt conducts own damn survey

The Twisty Institute for the Study of Heterofemininity (TISH) invites women with boyfriends, husbands, and/or fathers to answer the following questions as honestly as possible. The raw data will be tabulated, collated, analyzed, duplicated, dipilated, notated, submitted, cited, misinterpreted, misquoted, and thrown away next week.

On special occasions, or when he’s seeking your approval, does your boyfriend or husband dance provocatively in lacy satin lingerie and a pair of Christian Louboutin pumps, the price of which would shock you?

In school, were most of the assigned books written by poor women of color?

Does your boyfriend, husband, or father spend a lot of time and money on beauty?

Are some women sluts?

When you go deer hunting, does your boyfriend or husband visit the spa for an herbal wrap, a facial, and a pedi?

Is your boyfriend, husband, or father afraid to walk alone at night?

Does your boyfriend, husband, or father yearn for shiny hair with “luscious volume”?

Would your boyfriend or husband continue to raise your kids and keep house for you if you stopped putting out?

After the presidential inauguration, when your boyfriend, husband, or father had a light lunch with the girls, did the subject of Michelle Obama’s outfit come up?

Is there a fair representation of women in authoritative positions in government, organized religion, media, or business?

When you see a professional sports event, are the athletes usually women?

Does your boyfriend, husband, or father take steps to eliminate his “feminine odor”?

Does your boyfriend, husband, or father ever try to appease you by tilting his head and giggling?

Is your boyfriend, husband, or father expected to wear makeup and heels to work?

Are the bosses at your job mostly women?

Does your boyfriend, husband, or father think it would be good to have “glowing skin”?

Does your boyfriend or husband constantly nag you to leave the seat down?

When it’s time to buy a new car, are you the one who negotiates with the salesman because you’ll get a better deal?

Does your boyfriend, husband, or father carry a can of pepper spray in his purse?

Does your husband thank you for babysitting?

When your boyfriend or husband buys a cute new bag, is he crestfallen when you fail to notice?

Do your fiance and his father eagerly look forward to planning your wedding?

For Valentine’s Day, do you give your boyfriend or husband a sexy nightie and a box of chocolates? Or, if you forget, does he feel hurt?

Has your boyfriend, husband, or father undergone breast augmentation surgery? Tummy tuck? Liposuction?

Does your boyfriend, husband, or father accept with a resigned sigh that the women in his office are usually given higher salaries and better promotions than the men?

Does your boyfriend, husband, or father wait tables at Hooters?

Are you OK with it if your boyfriend or husband gains a little weight, because curvy men turn you on?

When your boyfriend or husband would rather just cuddle, do you pick a fight?

Does your boyfriend, husband, or father clean the toilets with harsh chemicals?

Do you love the way heels make his legs look longer and sexier?

When dudes on the street whistle or make suggestive comments to your boyfriend, husband, or father, does he photograph them and send the pictures to HollaBack?

Is your boyfriend, husband, or father a primary school teacher, a nanny, a maid, or a stay-at-home mom because he finds it so gratifying to make personal sacrifices for others that he doesn’t mind the low or non-existent pay?

Do you send your boyfriend, husband, or father email forwards describing rape avoidance techniques?

Does lipstick scientifically formulated with ginkgo biloba, licorice, and tea tree oil give your boyfriend’s or husband’s lips a fuller, plumper, more kissable look?

76 comments

2 pings

  1. AudacityEngine

    Twisty, I can’t tell if you’re doing this as a patriarchy-blaming mock-survey, or a patriarchy-blaming mock-survery you actually want people to fill out. Let us know, because I would take the thing (for you).

  2. Tina H

    I got one! I got one!

    Are the bosses at your job mostly women?

    Yes. But I work for a nonprofit.

  3. Micaya

    Well, I do have an (ex) boyfriend who spends quite a bit of money trying to attain beautiful, shiny hair, glowing acne-free skin, and more defined eye lashes, but with nowhere near the dedication expected of us ladyfolk. And my bosses are about half women, but I’m sheltered in the academic womb and in a field that tends to employ more women than men.

  4. Rainbow Girl

    My S.O. squeals in envy whenever I enjoy a hearty meal, exclaiming how unfair it is that I never pile on weight but he has to watch his calories.

  5. zooeyibz

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father take steps to eliminate his “feminine odor”?

    The phrase “feminine hygiene” invariably makes me want to hurl things. Because we’re so, you know, dirty. Perversely, in the patriarchy, the intrinsic foulness of our lady parts is no deterrent to rape. Go figure.

  6. Kathleen

    I’m gonna have to try that last one out on him before I can complete the questionnaire.

  7. Elizabeth

    Hilarious! A new twist on the classic role reversal question. The high heel question is my favorite.

  8. Pantsuit Sally

    Oooh, I have a question: When you go out to eat, is your husband sometimes extra naughty by ordering dessert? And when you got married, did he complain about how uninterested the groomsmen were in tying matching ribbons around the favor bags and stuffing invitations?

    My bosses actually are mostly women, and I work for the Patriarchy, I mean, my state legislature. But then, a bill has been introduced this session to grant full personhood status to the preborn, so I guess it’s a wash.

  9. Emily

    Well done. If I were the sort of person who sends clever email forwards, I would send this. Actually…

    And to answer one question, my father does spend more time and money on skin care than I and my mother do combined. Plus, he gets his eyebrows waxed, which I think is both awesome and hilarious… though I am not sure why I think that.

  10. mir

    Dear dog it’s just so effing awful. And hilarious. And awful. This one is absolutely outta the park, Twisty.

  11. Lisa KS

    “The raw data will be tabulated, collated, analyzed, duplicated, dipilated, notated, submitted, cited, misinterpreted, misquoted, and thrown away next week.”

    You’re WAY too honest! You need to hang out more often with professional surveyists, Twisty–I bet they can harangue that out of you.

    All of the above are BIG FAT NOES except for the exceptions noted below:

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father yearn for shiny hair with “luscious volume”?

    Me: Ooops–I think this one is a FAIL, Twisty. Yeah, he does–the only men who don’t are the ones who have naturally shiny hair with luscious volume and omg, they are VEEEERY proud of it, too.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father ever try to appease you by tilting his head and giggling?

    Me: Yeah, and it’s actually incredibly cute. It’s funny you ask this because I was just thinking a few days ago about all his “cute” mannerisms and how much I love them, and how sick I got of previous relationships with the humorless and too-proud-to-look-remotely-cute-and-emotionally-vulnerable.

    When it’s time to buy a new car, are you the one who negotiates with the salesman because you’ll get a better deal?

    Me: Yeah, cause I’m better at it and we both know it.

    When your boyfriend or husband buys a cute new bag, is he crestfallen when you fail to notice?

    Me: ANYTHING new, but in fact, the last new backpack had to be duly exclaimed over and admired. :)

    Are you OK with it if your boyfriend or husband gains a little weight, because curvy men turn you on?

    Me: Yes. His little belly does turn me on. No, I haven’t got the faintest idea why. I hate to overuse CUTE here–but–

    When your boyfriend or husband would rather just cuddle, do you pick a fight?

    Me: I would SO rather not admit this. But yes. That has happened a few times. VERY much shame on me, too.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father clean the toilets with harsh chemicals?

    Me: Yes. He knows how much I hate to clean bathrooms, and for some reason, he doesn’t mind it (I can’t understand not hating to clean bathrooms more than any other chore, but apparently, that’s NOT universal).

  12. Laura

    It is to laugh! The lipstick one is my favorite.

  13. Jen

    Wait! Wait! I have a couple, too:

    When everyone was looking for a job after college, did people predict your boyfriend would get plenty of offers because he was an attractive man?

    And once he was working, did friends and co-workers tell him he’d do well as long as he dressed well, wore make-up, and didn’t get fat?

    (Welcome to engineering.)

  14. Rachel

    Fabulous survey.

    My favorite: “Does your husband thank you for babysitting?”

    Why is it that a man is still thought to be “babysitting” when caring for his own offspring? And why must he be heaped with praise for not dropping, losing, or otherwise damaging the child?

    Incomprehensible.

  15. Feminist Avatar

    No to all, except:

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father yearn for shiny hair with “luscious volume”? Both my husband and father yearn for hair.

    Are the bosses at your job mostly women? This depends how high up the hierarchy you go, but my immediate bosses are female.

    When it’s time to buy a new car, are you the one who negotiates with the salesman because you’ll get a better deal? Absolutely.

    For Valentine’s Day, do you give your boyfriend or husband a sexy nightie and a box of chocolates? Or, if you forget, does he feel hurt? He does feel hurt, every year when I forget.

  16. Orange

    Lisa KS’s fella sounds a lot like mine. He tried using the non-harsh chemicals to clean the toilet, but it looked lousy a week later, so he’s back to the harsh chemicals (which it’s my job to shop for, of course).

    The best hair in the house belongs to my son. Long, thick, wavy, bouncy, shiny. Rather Eddie Vedder-esque. My husband and I both envy the eight-year-old’s luscious hair, which we cannot hope to equal.

  17. Twisty

    AudacityEngine: “Twisty, I can’t tell if you’re doing this as a patriarchy-blaming mock-survey, or a patriarchy-blaming mock-survery you actually want people to fill out. Let us know, because I would take the thing (for you).”

    You may interpret it however you like and do with it what you will. I will say that I won’t, as you no doubt have guessed, actually be analyzing any “data.”

  18. el

    I found a mistake, Twisty.
    “Are some women sluts?”
    You meant to ask “Are some men sluts?”, right?

  19. Oaktown Girl

    It seems that thus far in the comments the answers to the poll questions skew to the exceptions rather than the rules. I guess it’s because people are more interested in sharing their “exception” experiences. I’ll buck the trend and share a rule inspired by this question:

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father ever try to appease you by tilting his head and giggling?

    Players: My friend and her husband.

    Situation: Electric can opener is old, rusty, the metal parts increasingly grimey and slimey, it frequently jams because of all the preceeding, and the damn thing needs to be replaced.

    Problem: husband is stubborn and refuses to recognize that the damn can opener needs to be replaced. Finances are not an issue here. She just feels it’s necessary to coddle his fragile male ego in these situations.

    Crisis: Can opener jams (again), and my friend (once again) can’t get it un-stuck.

    Solution: My friend, in her sweetest most unthreatening voice says, “Honey, the can is stuck again and I can’t get it off”. Husband reluctantly gets his ass of the couch (was watching “M*A*S*H” on TV), goes into the kitchen. She tells him in the same baby doll voice, “I know, I’m hopeless”.

    Outcome: Husband gets can un-stuck from can opener, fragile ego apparently still in tact.

  20. truffula

    Does your husband thank you for babysitting?

    Shouldn’t this be “Does your boyfriend or husband thank you for babysitting?”

  21. Rebekka

    My partner totally longs for glowing skin and glossy hair, and also gets me to pluck his eyebrows.

  22. Lauren O

    Point 1: I work at a library. Most (though not all) of my bosses are women because men, for some reason, seem less willing to take library jobs. Maybe because they pay for shit and have no social prestige, unless you consider men hoping you’ll turn out to fulfill sexy librarian porn tropes social prestige.

    Point 2: Is it a bad thing if I say I am completely down with dudes in high heels?

    Point 3: This is really minor, but I have always been really fascinated by my dad’s beauty routine. He’s really the embodiment of the patriarchy: rich, white, straight, Christian, homophobic, and garden-variety sexist/racist. He doesn’t spend nearly as much time getting ready as the average woman, but I have always found his affinity for moisturizers and designer sunscreens a little puzzling. He also dries his hair with a blow dryer ever morning. His hair is about 3/4 of an inch long.

  23. Lauren O

    “Pay for shit” was meant in a pejorative sense there. Like, “they don’t pay well,” not “they pay for things.” Someday I will proofread my slangy ambiguities away pre-Blame Button. Today is not that day.

  24. Courtney

    On special occasions, or when he’s seeking your approval, does your boyfriend or husband dance provocatively in lacy satin lingerie and a pair of Christian Louboutin pumps, the price of which would shock you?

    No.

    In school, were most of the assigned books written by poor white women?

    No.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father spend a lot of time and money on beauty?

    No.

    Are some women sluts?

    Yes. So are some men.

    When you go deer hunting, does your boyfriend or husband visit the spa for an herbal wrap, a facial, and a pedi?

    Nope.

    Is your boyfriend, husband, or father afraid to walk alone at night?

    Yes.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father yearn for shiny hair with “luscious volume”?

    No. He’s got an almost-afro.

    Would your boyfriend or husband continue to raise your kids and keep house for you if you stopped putting out?

    He does now!

    After the presidential inauguration, when your boyfriend, husband, or father had a light lunch with the girls, did the subject of Michelle Obama’s outfit come up?

    Nope.

    Is there a fair representation of women in authoritative positions in government, organized religion, media, or business?

    Nope.

    When you see a professional sports event, are the athletes usually women?

    I’d have to see a professional sports even for me to answer that.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father take steps to eliminate his “feminine odor”?

    Yes. He’s very sensitive to smell!

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father ever try to appease you by tilting his head and giggling?

    Yes!

    Is your boyfriend, husband, or father expected to wear makeup and heels to work?

    No, he’s expected to wear a tie and heavy dress shoes.

    Are the bosses at your job mostly women?

    Yes. But then again, I work in higher ed.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father think it would be good to have “glowing skin”?

    Yes.

    Does your boyfriend or husband constantly nag you to leave the seat down?

    No, but he does constantly nag me to do other stuff.

    When it’s time to buy a new car, are you the one who negotiates with the salesman because you’ll get a better deal?

    No, I do the research. My mom negotiates.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father carry a can of pepper spray in his purse?

    No, he has a gun safe.

    Does your husband thank you for babysitting?

    Yes.

    When your boyfriend or husband buys a cute new bag, is he crestfallen when you fail to notice?

    He’s always complaining that I’m not interested in what he’s interested in.

    Do your fiance and his father eagerly look forward to planning your wedding?

    Uh….no. We didn’t plan a wedding.

    For Valentine’s Day, do you give your boyfriend or husband a sexy nightie and a box of chocolates? Or, if you forget, does he feel hurt?

    No, and Yes, he does.

    Has your boyfriend, husband, or father undergone breast augmentation surgery? Tummy tuck? Liposuction?

    Nope, but he wants those Invisalign braces.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father accept with a resigned sigh that the women in his office are usually given higher salaries and better promotions than the men?

    Nope, he’s always bitching about how much other people make.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father wait tables at Hooters?

    Nope.

    Are you OK with it if your boyfriend or husband gains a little weight, because curvy men turn you on?

    Yes, we used to joke that he was carrying Gwen’s little brother when I was pregnant.

    When your boyfriend or husband would rather just cuddle, do you pick a fight?

    Sometimes.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father clean the toilets with harsh chemicals?

    Yup.

    Do you love the way heels make his legs look longer and sexier?

    He does have some damn fine gams.

    When dudes on the street whistle or make suggestive comments to your boyfriend, husband, or father, does he photograph them and send the pictures to HollaBack?

    If they did, I’m sure he would.

    Is your boyfriend, husband, or father a primary school teacher, a nanny, a maid, or a stay-at-home mom because he finds it so gratifying to make personal sacrifices for others that he doesn’t mind the low or non-existent pay?

    He’d stay home with the baby if we could afford it.

    Do you send your boyfriend, husband, or father email forwards describing rape avoidance techniques?

    No, and I don’t send forwards to anyone.

    Does lipstick scientifically formulated with ginkgo biloba, licorice, and tea tree oil give your boyfriend’s or husband’s lips a fuller, plumper, more kissable look?

    Sometimes!

  25. Claire

    On special occasions, or when he’s seeking your approval, does your boyfriend or husband dance provocatively in lacy satin lingerie and a pair of Christian Louboutin pumps, the price of which would shock you? Nope.

    In school, were most of the assigned books written by poor women of color? Nope.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father spend a lot of time and money on beauty? Nope.

    Are some women sluts? Nope.

    When you go deer hunting, does your boyfriend or husband visit the spa for an herbal wrap, a facial, and a pedi? Nope.

    Is your boyfriend, husband, or father afraid to walk alone at night? Nope.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father yearn for shiny hair with “luscious volume”? Nope.

    Would your boyfriend or husband continue to raise your kids and keep house for you if you stopped putting out? Yep. One of a select few, but not without his glaring, misogynistic flaws nonetheless.

    After the presidential inauguration, when your boyfriend, husband, or father had a light lunch with the girls, did the subject of Michelle Obama’s outfit come up? N/A…doesn’t give a shit about politics. I don’t either. Nor do either of us care much about other people’s outfits.

    Is there a fair representation of women in authoritative positions in government, organized religion, media, or business? Nope.

    When you see a professional sports event, are the athletes usually women? Nope.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father take steps to eliminate his “feminine odor”? Nope. He’s stinky as hell. But then, so am I.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father ever try to appease you by tilting his head and giggling? Nope.

    Is your boyfriend, husband, or father expected to wear makeup and heels to work? Nope.

    Are the bosses at your job mostly women? Nope.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father think it would be good to have “glowing skin”? Nope.

    Does your boyfriend or husband constantly nag you to leave the seat down? Nope.

    When it’s time to buy a new car, are you the one who negotiates with the salesman because you’ll get a better deal? Nope. Then, Nigel’s not particularly good with this either. Even I wouldn’t of signed off on his last car loan.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father carry a can of pepper spray in his purse? Nope. Neither do I. Gawd help the motherfucker who assaults me. Win or lose, he’s gonna bleed.

    Does your husband thank you for babysitting? Yep. My kid’s dad and I share custody and he asks for childcare assistance on occasion. He always thanks me. Probably doesn’t mean it, but he thanks me.

    When your boyfriend or husband buys a cute new bag, is he crestfallen when you fail to notice? Yep. He’s crestfallen when I don’t notice the crap he buys. Any crap. I’m talking cereal.

    Do your fiance and his father eagerly look forward to planning your wedding? Nope. No more weddings. One was enough.

    For Valentine’s Day, do you give your boyfriend or husband a sexy nightie and a box of chocolates? Or, if you forget, does he feel hurt? Nope. I’ve told him over and over that if anyone will be wearing lingerie, it’ll be him though.

    Has your boyfriend, husband, or father undergone breast augmentation surgery? Tummy tuck? Liposuction? Nope. He wants laser hair removal, though. He also wants me to shave my vulva. I told him to go fuck himself. He did.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father accept with a resigned sigh that the women in his office are usually given higher salaries and better promotions than the men? Nope.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father wait tables at Hooters? Nope…he does work nights at a movie theater, though. Not remotely the same, but not fun at all either.

    Are you OK with it if your boyfriend or husband gains a little weight, because curvy men turn you on? Nigel is ‘overweight’ already. So yep.

    When your boyfriend or husband would rather just cuddle, do you pick a fight? Actually, I have done this. I’m fucked up in the head. I don’t do it anymore. As a matter of fact, we don’t have that much sex any more at all.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father clean the toilets with harsh chemicals? Nope. I don’t either. I don’t clean much at all. That’s Nigel’s thing.

    Do you love the way heels make his legs look longer and sexier? Nope.

    When dudes on the street whistle or make suggestive comments to your boyfriend, husband, or father, does he photograph them and send the pictures to HollaBack? Nope. To be fair…I don’t do this either. I either swear at them or flip them the bird.

    Is your boyfriend, husband, or father a primary school teacher, a nanny, a maid, or a stay-at-home mom because he finds it so gratifying to make personal sacrifices for others that he doesn’t mind the low or non-existent pay? Nope.

    Do you send your boyfriend, husband, or father email forwards describing rape avoidance techniques? Nope.

    Does lipstick scientifically formulated with ginkgo biloba, licorice, and tea tree oil give your boyfriend’s or husband’s lips a fuller, plumper, more kissable look? Nope.

    Hearty dose of perspective for my day. Thanks.

  26. XtinaS

    Oh oh!  Can we contribute to the survey?  I have one!

    * Do you hold the door open for your [husband|boyfriend|father], and get all offended if they open the door themselves?

    * Same question, modified for opening the car door for them.

  27. angryyoungwoman

    I did get the sorta-boyfriend (the guy I have sex with) a box of chocolates for Valentines day (well, I gave him the box my mom gave me), but I didn’t give him a nightie (mostly because my mom didn’t give me one). I am now considering getting him a nightie, possibly leopard-print. He’s a bit worried about his midsection, so I think babydoll-style might work.

    He is much more interested in wearing floral-scented lotion than I ever have been, but I think lipstick would just get lost in his beard.

  28. D

    *Snicker*

    Adding to the survey:
    If your boyfriend/husband/father indicates at work that they would be interested in taking on more responsibility in the form of a promotion, are they called “an ambitious bitch”?

  29. leah

    Are some women sluts?

    Is this supposed to be “Are some MEN sluts?”

  30. lawbitch

    Does your boyfriend/husband/father dread bathing suit shopping? Does he eat nothing but Special K for 2 weeks prior to that shopping trip?

    NO!

  31. Mau de Katt

    On special occasions, or when he’s seeking your approval, does your boyfriend or husband dance provocatively in lacy satin lingerie and a pair of Christian Louboutin pumps, the price of which would shock you?

    Actually, I did have a boyfriend about seven years ago that wore lacy, ruffly, satin lingerie and high-heeled stilettos… and makeup…. He didn’t dance, though. (Gawd, but he was a fantastic kisser!!) Our relationship was almost certainly Part Of The Patriarchy in some twisted way, but it was fun while it lasted….

    Speaking of kissing….

    Does lipstick scientifically formulated with ginkgo biloba, licorice, and tea tree oil give your boyfriend’s or husband’s lips a fuller, plumper, more kissable look?

    Kissable? Pah. They should just call them what they really are — Cocksucker Lips.

  32. Ryenna

    Husband’s hair is longer than mine and my workplace is almost all female, but as another poster mentioned, libraries tend to be female-dominated. One particular classmate of mine in library school once tried to argue that it was ‘for your own good’ that women weren’t in the more high pressure positions.

    Did you know men are putting themselves at risk for heart attacks and strokes by being in those higher paid and thus more stressful jobs? Isn’t that big of them?

  33. yttik

    Good list, Twisty. I could probably add some things to it, but I have head cold brain today.

    I’ll echo the part commentators have made about men and shiny hair. I’ve noticed lately a lot of men have hair issues of the Samson and Delilah sort. “Don’t touch my fricken hair!”

    Of course your point still stands, I haven’t observed any men obsessing over shiny locks simply to please their partner, I’ve only seen the kind who seem to believe their strength is their hair, their muse, and must be protected from evil women who want to rob them of it. Guitar players come to mind. I do believe I gave up a chair not long ago because some guitar player’s shiny locks needed a seat of their own.

  34. Miss Andrist

    On special occasions, or when he’s seeking your approval, does your boyfriend or husband dance provocatively in lacy satin lingerie and a pair of Christian Louboutin pumps, the price of which would shock you?

    –No, and that’s really for the best. I don’t want to see his leg/thigh/body hair tangled through the lace weave of a skimpy tanga any more than you do.

    In school, were most of the assigned books written by poor women of color?

    –They should have been. Sojourner Truth was my fourth-grade hero.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father spend a lot of time and money on beauty?

    –No. He has other hobbies.

    Are some women sluts?

    –Do black people steal?

    When you go deer hunting, does your boyfriend or husband visit the spa for an herbal wrap, a facial, and a pedi?

    –I should buy him a coupon just to see what he does.

    Is your boyfriend, husband, or father afraid to walk alone at night?

    –A bit. All of the neighbors are black or Hispanic and he’s the only obviously Irish person in the neighborhood.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father yearn for shiny hair with “luscious volume”?

    –My dad did. F^&*inh hippie. ~_^

    Would your boyfriend or husband continue to raise your kids and keep house for you if you stopped putting out?

    –This weekend, I proved that the ONLY deciding factor for males in any hetero relationship is the existence/assumption of sexual access. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re ‘together,’ but if you’re not putting out to him at least occaisionally, overwhelming odds on his incapability of considering it “a relationship.”

    After the presidential inauguration, when your boyfriend, husband, or father had a light lunch with the girls, did the subject of Michelle Obama’s outfit come up?

    –I don’t know, it’s not like pay any attention to whatever they’re vetching about anyway.

    Is there a fair representation of women in authoritative positions in government, organized religion, media, or business?

    –Males aren’t the only gender on the planet, they just act like it.

    When you see a professional sports event, are the athletes usually women?

    –Does chess count as professional sports?

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father take steps to eliminate his “feminine odor”?

    –If we’re not going to have sex because I am happier without that yeast infection / UTI, he will know exactly why. I typically preface these remarks with a reference to unwashed peasants. Furthermore, the penalty for giving me a yeast infection as a result of being filthy is going to the store to buy my Monostat until it’s gone.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father ever try to appease you by tilting his head and giggling?

    –Behaving like a child results in being treated like a child, and we do not have sex with children.

    Is your boyfriend, husband, or father expected to wear makeup and heels to work?

    –I wish. I need an incentive to re-sod the lawn.

    Are the bosses at your job mostly women?

    –No. All three of my bosses are men (directors). But THIER boss (VP) is a woman. Of course, I only just met her today.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father think it would be good to have “glowing skin”?

    –Cool points aside, I have no patience for bioluminescence if it gets between me and nappy time. Otherwise, he should feel free to glow to his hearts’ content.

    Does your boyfriend or husband constantly nag you to leave the seat down?

    –Yeah, about that: http://lilyonthedustbin.com/2009/03/04/the-toilet-seat-debate/comment-page-1/#comment-74408

    When it’s time to buy a new car, are you the one who negotiates with the salesman because you’ll get a better deal?

    –It amazes me, the things you can buy OFF the internet.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father carry a can of pepper spray in his purse?

    –No. I wouldn’t recommend pepper spray as a personal security strategy anyway. I’ve found a good shot of Raid to the face is more universally applicable, and thus a better choice.

    Does your husband thank you for babysitting?

    –My what?

    When your boyfriend or husband buys a cute new bag, is he crestfallen when you fail to notice?

    –Sometimes. That depends, I guess: is the cute new bag full of Crown Royal? ~_^

    Do your fiance and his father eagerly look forward to planning your wedding?

    –Yes. And I should probably discourage him, but I just don’t have the heart. Everybody has to have hope. ~_^

    For Valentine’s Day, do you give your boyfriend or husband a sexy nightie and a box of chocolates? Or, if you forget, does he feel hurt?

    –Why would I spend money on something as stupid as sex? I don’t have to, because I’m a woman. ~_^

    Has your boyfriend, husband, or father undergone breast augmentation surgery? Tummy tuck? Liposuction?

    –HA HA HA. No. Like every other male forever and ever and ever amen, the idea that he needs to be sexually appealing and desireable is distant from his mind.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father accept with a resigned sigh that the women in his office are usually given higher salaries and better promotions than the men?

    –I once explained to him (with an itemized list) that despite the most stringent application of affirmative action possible, the average, ordinary white male will still enjoy a significant, measurable competetive advantage over any and every competitor of any other class.

    …I wish I knew where I put that list.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father wait tables at Hooters?

    –He tried. Insufficient cup size. ~_^

    Are you OK with it if your boyfriend or husband gains a little weight, because curvy men turn you on?

    –Um… No. If it’s unreasonable to expect him to at least be able to do as many pullups as I can, then I guess I’m just unreasonable.

    When your boyfriend or husband would rather just cuddle, do you pick a fight?

    –I’m a sensitive, considerate, caring partner, so I hand him a stuffed animal. …Sometimes, when I’m feeling fat n sassy, I hand him a stuffed animal that squeaks when you squeeze it.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father clean the toilets with harsh chemicals?

    –Wha…? You mean bathrooms don’t clean themselves? Funny, I could have sworn they do. And you mean to tell me he needs chemicals for that? Is THAT why he takes so long in the bathroom!

    Do you love the way heels make his legs look longer and sexier?

    –No. He’s already inconveniently tall. (My ex, on the other hand, looks absolutely fantastic in a pair of Victoria’s size 14.)

    When dudes on the street whistle or make suggestive comments to your boyfriend, husband, or father, does he photograph them and send the pictures to HollaBack?

    –No. In all sincerity, that’s probably because he hasn’t thought of it yet.

    Is your boyfriend, husband, or father a primary school teacher, a nanny, a maid, or a stay-at-home mom because he finds it so gratifying to make personal sacrifices for others that he doesn’t mind the low or non-existent pay?

    -He works full time. Then he comes home and does the majority of the housework. Sorry, I have more important shit to do – namely, homework.

    Do you send your boyfriend, husband, or father email forwards describing rape avoidance techniques?

    –No, I point out that statistically speaking, at LEAST 2 of his 7 sisters have already been raped, and at LEAST one of the four who are saddled with a husband have been beaten by samesaid. Then he HAS to think about it, because his sisters are PEOPLE – you know, with faces and names.

    Does lipstick scientifically formulated with ginkgo biloba, licorice, and tea tree oil give your boyfriend’s or husband’s lips a fuller, plumper, more kissable look?

    –Sometimes, his lips get chapped. When that happens, I turn a deaf ear to his mewling protests and put chapstick on him. Then when he gets all flustered and wipes and paws at his mouth, I laugh at his distress and call him cute.

  35. Miriam

    Alas, I have no boyfriend, husband, or father. And I didn’t even really realize it until I looked at the survey! It’s a wonder I haven’t shriveled up and died from lack of male regard.

  36. Twisty

    “Are some women sluts?

    Is this supposed to be “Are some MEN sluts?”"

    Yes, it is. It was copied and pasted from a less funny post I was working on, and because my secretary Phil is off today having his nails done, nobody proofread the survey. Damned secretaries and their fucking me-time.

  37. Twisty

    yttik: “I do believe I gave up a chair not long ago because some guitar player’s shiny locks needed a seat of their own.”

    HA! Good one.

  38. Tigs

    As a married, middle-class, het, white lady (you know, we’re the demographic most likely to have supported Sarah Palin!), I think my husband is a pretty decent human being. I like being around him. He makes my life easier in some ways, more complicated in others.

    If he kicked the bucket, I think I’d probably try switching teams.

  39. Cottonpants

    @XtinaS
    “Do you hold the door open for your [husband|boyfriend|father], and get all offended if they open the door themselves?”

    Actually, yes. A couple years ago, I held the door for a guy at the library, and he stared straight ahead, with a nasty look on his face, and used the other door. He was walking in the opposite direction of me (going into the library), and was several seconds away from the door when I exited, so it was pretty obvious I was holding the door for him. There were no other people in the area.

    The sad fact that I still remember this insignificant event is proof of how annoyed and incredulous I was.

  40. Rachel S.

    “Are the bosses at your job mostly women?”

    I am self-employed, so yes. Of course, I sell Mary Kay so all of the women I work with, all of the top sales people, and all of the most important people at the company are women. The company was founded by a woman and because she was “thinking like a woman” there’s no other company like Mary Kay Inc.

  41. Tupe

    I would just like to say, as a non-mother who adamantly refuses to co-habitate with my male partner, that many of these problems can be solved by not having children with a male partner you do not share grocery lists or chores with. And I count an upwards of twenty bonus points if said male partner likes to dress up as a drag queen.

    I would also like to say that scoring a fair number of “yes” or “N/A” answers on this quiz in no way means I don’t get the point.

  42. not a dudetiful wife

    There’s some minimizing on the point being made here.

    So you work in a female dominated office and love a man who is various shades of traditional feminine and he sings to you to “put a ring on it” while dancing provocatively in heels.

    I get it. I’m happy for you. You go out and buy him a big ring to get him off your back. Delight in your convention-crossing world. I hope the opposition to the conventional answers to the questions spread like Twisty’s internet click world invasion.

    But the patriarchy is parked in front of the building. And it’s even more disturbing when it’s a Prius. Yes, even assholes can buy a Prius, claim to be ecologically sensitive, yet don’t think that women are an equal species. Not really.

    After some changes, I now work in a male dominated office and it’s like I’m in a freaking twilight zone some days. But this is how it is when patriarchy doesn’t have to filter their sense of entitlement. I am the only woman. And I’m in a highly competitive field. It is so different, I wonder if I’m in the year 2009 at times. Yet, these are men of all ages, in their office chinos, and many go home to their wives and daughters. Oblivious.

    You know how you can look at remote people on a documentary and wonder how the women can stay with abusive, disrespectful men even if it is their “culture”? That the women are uneducated, can’t read, can’t speak up, can’t ever lead anything or take a position of authority? I wonder that about the women and wives of a good number of men I work with. Because these men don’t really like women.

    Oh, perhaps as adorable helpmate pets that you sort of have contempt for. Perhaps as a shrine to their not being gay. But not as peers. Not as human beings who are their equal and could be their manager, give them direction, get paid the most. Not really.

    Ok. Not all the men I work with dislike women. We’re all in the patriarchy, but I do know men that actually like women.

    But what a different world it would be if only the men who actually liked women actually married women. Or shacked up or whatever. On the subject of gay marriage, I believe that you’d find that most of them actually liked the sex they were marrying. I mean, if you adopt a kid or a dog, you’d be asked if you like kids or dogs. If we only allowed hetero men to marry that actually liked women as full people, it would be …well, florists would go out of business. We’d have to have gay marriage just to keep the bridal industrial complex in place.

    Everyone should pause and pull the veil off the patriarchy on a regular basis, and an easy way is to flip the sexes and see if you catch any oddities. Are women like real people? Granted, the “real people” part is seeing the world as a place where full citizens are not in a one-down position. Fearful, courting the favor of those in power, demure, etc.

    Like that new Vanity Fair photo with the chubby dudes in nude body suits, replaying a famous photo with nude women with an onlooking man. Of course, in the replaying, there was no woman looking on nude men. There wasn’t even any nude men. Yall know what I’m talking about?

  43. admirerofemily

    Oh god – I’m sitting in a library and I just have to stop reading because my barely stifled laughter is attracting startled looks.

  44. srcfo

    Males aren’t the only gender on the planet, they just act like it.

    heh. i’m so stealing that.

  45. sevanetta

    Oh Twisty, this is fantastic. May I print it out and stick it on my wall? The kicker for me was moving overseas and having to explain to My Nigel that yes I am scared to walk alone at night… everywhere… not just in a foreign country. After he told friends that ‘we’ had felt safe walking around town at night here – a journey where I had been hyper-aware of possible danger and distinctly not feeling safe – I asked him, didn’t he feel a bit unsafe walking around at night in town here? and he looked at me like I had just sprouted antlers and said ‘No, of course not’.

    Also, apart from all the obvious answers, I’ve got a few unexpected answers:

    The bosses at my job *are* mostly women – but I work in organisations that have ‘women’ and ‘equality’ in the title.

    When it’s time buy a new car, I would be the one to negotiate, because I would definitely get a better deal.

    My Nigel is studying to be a high school teacher and wants to be a SAHD because, he says, he likes kids. Get outta town!

    And finally: seat up, seat down, don’t care, as long as it’s not covered in piss or broken.

  46. truffula

    My Nigel is studying to be a high school teacher and wants to be a SAHD because, he says, he likes kids.

    Admirable. My male partner (to whom I am not married) asked what I thought about him quitting his job to stay home when we became parents. I thought it was a mighty fine idea, and still do, but this does not a feminist utopian household make. It just makes our household different. He’s a good parent and I think our boys will be better people for having a non-normative experience of certain gender roles. But we’re still stuck in the same broken culture as everybody else and we’re all still steeped in its traditions, try as I might to break out of them. It doesn’t suck but it’s not the promised land.

  47. Sabayon

    “Is your boyfriend, husband, or father afraid to walk alone at night?”
    My father actually is afraid to walk alone at night because he spent a few years in a war zone. Hmmm, I wonder what this says about women in the patriarchy…

  48. Antoinette Niebieszczanski

    Has your husband, father, boyfriend ever worried whether he was too fat or not young and cute enough to be chosen for employment despite his excellent qualifications?

  49. speedbudget

    Since I jettisoned the Nigel…I will have to talk about dear old Dad.

    He is currently getting his ear hair lasered. Yes, ladies. Lasers in his ears.

    My Mom stayed home with us while we traveled around the world in the military, but that’s mainly because it’s hard to have a job when you move every 12 to 18 months. When Dad retired, he stayed home and Mom is the breadwinner. Now Dad does the cooking, cleaning, and baking.

    I am single mainly because my Dad is so enlightened. I have yet to find a Nigel who really gets it.

  50. speedbudget

    OH MY GOD! There is the picture I uploaded at gravatar. Patience might really be a virtue. Or something.

  51. Kraargh

    “On special occasions, or when he’s seeking your approval, does your boyfriend or husband dance provocatively in lacy satin lingerie and a pair of Christian Louboutin pumps, the price of which would shock you?”

    My partner dances around in lacy underwear! Alas, no stilettos for his super-sized feet.

  52. meerkat

    Can I answer this survey about an ideal boyfriend-or-husband whom I completely made up out of whole cloth? (He also comes with a rainbow pegasus unicorn that eats garbage and poops money.)

  53. Rikibeth

    On special occasions, or when he’s seeking your approval, does your boyfriend or husband dance provocatively in lacy satin lingerie and a pair of Christian Louboutin pumps, the price of which would shock you?

    Thank Maude, NO. I’m not going to inquire about the price of the platform “sexy nurse” shoes he had to special order in his size for a Joker Nurse costume, though.

    In school, were most of the assigned books written by poor women of color?

    No.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father spend a lot of time and money on beauty?

    He’s been known to splurge at the LUSH store. I could have warned him that Goth Juice hair gel isn’t that great, though.

    Are some women sluts?

    Some women conduct their sexual lives in ways that I fear will expose them to diseases and emotional turmoil, but that’s their prerogative. Same goes for the men. Sex often makes people act stupid. Big news, right?

    When you go deer hunting, does your boyfriend or husband visit the spa for an herbal wrap, a facial, and a pedi?

    I’ve never been deer hunting, although I have a friend who might take me. Boyfriend has, I believe, indulged in all the named beauty practices at least once — wait, was it a wrap or a hot stone massage? None of the named activities are on either of our normal agendas.

    Is your boyfriend, husband, or father afraid to walk alone at night?

    In the neighborhood around one of my local music venues, a little bit.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father yearn for shiny hair with “luscious volume”?

    No, he HAS it, the bastard. He spends a fair amount of time keeping it that way.

    Would your boyfriend or husband continue to raise your kids and keep house for you if you stopped putting out?

    Not his job, we don’t co-parent or cohabit.

    After the presidential inauguration, when your boyfriend, husband, or father had a light lunch with the girls, did the subject of Michelle Obama’s outfit come up?

    Probably — the yellow dress and coat were freakin’ gorgeous on her.

    Is there a fair representation of women in authoritative positions in government, organized religion, media, or business?

    I have to have a boyfriend to answer this? Nope.

    When you see a professional sports event, are the athletes usually women?

    um… I watch skating, gymnastics, and synchro diving, mainly for the twinks-in-spandex factor of the men’s versions, but I watch the women’s events as well.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father take steps to eliminate his “feminine odor”?

    *snrk* About as much as I do, which is to say, showering regularly.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father ever try to appease you by tilting his head and giggling?

    I have only ever known one person, male or female, who did this, and it was done sarcastically.

    Is your boyfriend, husband, or father expected to wear makeup and heels to work?

    No, but neither am I — they’d be ridiculous in a restaurant kitchen.

    Are the bosses at your job mostly women?

    Not at this one. They have been in the past.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father think it would be good to have “glowing skin”?

    I’m going to have to go with “no” here.

    Does your boyfriend or husband constantly nag you to leave the seat down?

    Non-cohabiting, but the lids are generally kept down to keep the cats from drinking out of the toilet.

    When it’s time to buy a new car, are you the one who negotiates with the salesman because you’ll get a better deal?

    We’re not in a position to buy cars together, but if we were, I’m way more verbal than he is, so probably.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father carry a can of pepper spray in his purse?

    *makes mental note to check his laptop bag*

    Does your husband thank you for babysitting?

    Er, my ex-husband thanks me for switching nights on short notice sometimes — we do a 50/50 split, and he’s in a band, and this sometimes creates scheduling oddities.

    When your boyfriend or husband buys a cute new bag, is he crestfallen when you fail to notice?

    Laptop bags and daytime purses are meant to be plain, functional, and used until they fucking wear out, which should be a LONG TIME. “Cute new bag” is for suckers.

    Do your fiance and his father eagerly look forward to planning your wedding?

    This one is too complicated to answer, but I am not currently betrothed.

    For Valentine’s Day, do you give your boyfriend or husband a sexy nightie and a box of chocolates? Or, if you forget, does he feel hurt?

    We celebrate Half Price Chocolate Day on the 15th.

    Has your boyfriend, husband, or father undergone breast augmentation surgery? Tummy tuck? Liposuction?

    No. If I switch boyfriends to answer this, both of us have had LASIK, with vanity a major motivation.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father accept with a resigned sigh that the women in his office are usually given higher salaries and better promotions than the men?

    I’ll assume the answer is no.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father wait tables at Hooters?

    Dear sweet Flying Spaghetti Monster, no.

    Are you OK with it if your boyfriend or husband gains a little weight, because curvy men turn you on?

    Yes to the first clause, no to the second?

    When your boyfriend or husband would rather just cuddle, do you pick a fight?

    No, but (thinking back several boyfriends ago) it did make me sulk.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father clean the toilets with harsh chemicals?

    Nah, he uses the tree-hugging hippie cleaners.

    Do you love the way heels make his legs look longer and sexier?

    His legs did look pretty awesome in the Joker Nurse costume.

    When dudes on the street whistle or make suggestive comments to your boyfriend, husband, or father, does he photograph them and send the pictures to HollaBack?

    His phone doesn’t have a camera.

    Is your boyfriend, husband, or father a primary school teacher, a nanny, a maid, or a stay-at-home mom because he finds it so gratifying to make personal sacrifices for others that he doesn’t mind the low or non-existent pay?

    No. My brother teaches elementary school, though.

    Do you send your boyfriend, husband, or father email forwards describing rape avoidance techniques?

    No. And the only person who ever sends those to me is my mother.

    Does lipstick scientifically formulated with ginkgo biloba, licorice, and tea tree oil give your boyfriend’s or husband’s lips a fuller, plumper, more kissable look?

    Even if it did, I’d hope he’d use something else, because licorice and tea tree oil both taste NASTY. And I bet that formula doesn’t come in black.

  54. naath

    Hmm, lots of nos. Except the part where he cleans the loo. Oh, and part where he looks totally cute in heels.

    Then again he doesn’t expect me to do any of that shit either, I don’t watch any sports and I only have one boss (so ‘most’ of my bosses being women would be hard; my boss being ‘mostly woman’ would be possible but isn’t, alas, true).

  55. GimmeMinute

    On special occasions, or when he’s seeking your approval, does your boyfriend or husband dance provocatively in lacy satin lingerie and a pair of Christian Louboutin pumps, the price of which would shock you?
    - No.

    In school, were most of the assigned books written by poor women of color?
    - I don’t remember any of the books assigned to be read in school, aside from All Quiet on the Western Front. And Shakespeare. And Faulkner. So, no.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father spend a lot of time and money on beauty?
    - No.

    Are some women sluts?
    - Define slut. If you’re referring to the original definition of a woman who shuns housework in favor of more rewarding activities, then yes, and I am one of them.

    When you go deer hunting, does your boyfriend or husband visit the spa for an herbal wrap, a facial, and a pedi?
    - On occasion.

    Is your boyfriend, husband, or father afraid to walk alone at night?
    - Yes, but that’s because the voices in his head told him he’s a woman.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father yearn for shiny hair with “luscious volume”?
    - He’s bald, so he aspires to a high shine rather than luscious volume.

    Would your boyfriend or husband continue to raise your kids and keep house for you if you stopped putting out?
    - You’re kidding, right? He isn’t doing shit to raise the kids currently.

    After the presidential inauguration, when your boyfriend, husband, or father had a light lunch with the girls, did the subject of Michelle Obama’s outfit come up?
    - No, but Nancy Pelosi’s recent facelift was mentioned as being “well done.”

    Is there a fair representation of women in authoritative positions in government, organized religion, media, or business?
    - What women? Women don’t have any authority over shit.

    When you see a professional sports event, are the athletes usually women?
    - Does the video arcade count as a sporting event?

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father take steps to eliminate his “feminine odor”?
    - He routinely rolls in pig shit and then invites me to “smell his face.”

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father ever try to appease you by tilting his head and giggling?
    - No, he yells that I’m being unreasonable.

    Is your boyfriend, husband, or father expected to wear makeup and heels to work?
    - No.

    Are the bosses at your job mostly women?
    - I work in construction, a traditionally male industry. The good news about the recession that it’s dramatically affected construction, meaning that for the first time in history, more men are being laid off than women. I’m a director, so there’s a good chance I’ll be able to ride things out.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father think it would be good to have “glowing skin”?
    - Only if it means he could be injected with bioluminescence DNA.

    Does your boyfriend or husband constantly nag you to leave the seat down?
    - I’ve trained my son to pee in the bushes to avoid this very discussion.

    When it’s time to buy a new car, are you the one who negotiates with the salesman because you’ll get a better deal?
    - Abso-damn-lutely. For I never get attached to anything because I know it will only be yanked away from my clutches by some patriarchal privilege very shortly.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father carry a can of pepper spray in his purse?
    - No. He carries a bicycle chain.

    Does your husband thank you for babysitting?
    - No. They’re my goddamn kids and I shouldn’t have left them with him so long in the first place.

    When your boyfriend or husband buys a cute new bag, is he crestfallen when you fail to notice?
    - I never fail to notice.

    Do your fiance and his father eagerly look forward to planning your wedding?
    - Only in terms of how much is this going to cost and will there be a liquor luge?

    For Valentine’s Day, do you give your boyfriend or husband a sexy nightie and a box of chocolates? Or, if you forget, does he feel hurt?
    - Yes, he feels hurt. I forget our anniversary and his birthday, too. I’ve decided to focus my energies on earning a living that keeps a roof over our collective heads instead of buying more cheap crap from China.

    Has your boyfriend, husband, or father undergone breast augmentation surgery? Tummy tuck? Liposuction?
    - Vasectomy.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father accept with a resigned sigh that the women in his office are usually given higher salaries and better promotions than the men?
    - hahahahahahahaha

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father wait tables at Hooters?
    - His career aspiration is short-order cook at Waffle House.

    Are you OK with it if your boyfriend or husband gains a little weight, because curvy men turn you on?
    - Why should I care what that fat-ass lazy loser weighs?

    When your boyfriend or husband would rather just cuddle, do you pick a fight?
    - Hell yeah, I pick a fight. This is just the first time he’s shut up long enough to let me get a word in.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father clean the toilets with harsh chemicals?
    - Yes, his urine and feces.

    Do you love the way heels make his legs look longer and sexier?
    - It’s moving deck chairs on the Titanic, but it’s nice that he tries.

    When dudes on the street whistle or make suggestive comments to your boyfriend, husband, or father, does he photograph them and send the pictures to HollaBack?
    - He preens and shakes his ass a little more in case they missed it the first time.

    Is your boyfriend, husband, or father a primary school teacher, a nanny, a maid, or a stay-at-home mom because he finds it so gratifying to make personal sacrifices for others that he doesn’t mind the low or non-existent pay?
    - No, he’s found unemployment to be far more personally satisfying.

    Do you send your boyfriend, husband, or father email forwards describing rape avoidance techniques?
    - Now that would hardly be sporting, would it?

    Does lipstick scientifically formulated with ginkgo biloba, licorice, and tea tree oil give your boyfriend’s or husband’s lips a fuller, plumper, more kissable look?
    - It clears up his cold sores.

  56. Linda Atkins

    Weird! This actually made me feel better, because I came up with a surprisingly large number of yesses. My father’s collection of health and beauty supplies is probably larger than mine; it includes alpha hydroxy lotion, or whatever it is, which mine does not, and he mixes up his own potions for special purposes.

    He actually does do all of the cooking, and cat feeding, and litter box cleaning, and yard work, and car fixing, and dish washing, and you name it, while my mother pursues her hobbies, plays with her computers and her computer network, and listens to NPR.

    My last boyfriend (now my best buddy) actually DID do a certain amount of provocative dancing upon my request, but not in expensive shoes, because he actually IS a poorly paid teacher’s assistant for special education students! (But I still blame the patriarchy, don’t get me wrong.)

  57. caitlinate

    Well i don’t have a boyfriend or husband and who knows what my father gets up to but I’m pretty confident I can offer a resounding NO x the number of questions.

    I do have male housemates though. It gives me a real kick the way women, when doing basic household tasks, manage to just do it. However, when men deign to do basic household tasks it’s a big song and dance of THEM distributing the tasks ‘equally’ whilst everybody else claps and cheers the dude on for his contribution. You washed that dish!? You wiped that bench!? You put the milk bag in the fridge!? Well, gosh, darn aren’t you a good boy!!

  58. CassieC

    Rolling around on the floor laughing. That’s my kind of science alright!

    In defense of het women, though, I should point out that I try to go through daily activities with the gender-role reversal lens on. Sometimes I keep doing things most men wouldn’t do, because they’re the right thing to do. Most of the time I give up some stupid patriarchy-induced habit (makeup? waffor? expensive lingerie? you have to be shitting me. pretending to be stupider or nicer than I am? waffor?). And sometimes I get the men to do something they should have been doing all along. Like those high heels. hahahahaha

  59. Panic

    I’d be willing to be that many people’s immediate supervisors are women. It’s when you get up to who THEIR bosses are (and where all the real money is, of course) you start to see a larger gender gap.

  60. Jezebella

    Panic, I was having the same thought. I mean, sure, in higher ed, your supervisor’s likely a woman, but odds are the dude at the very top is a, you know, DUDE.

  61. Dr. Beads

    Long-time lurker, and, thanks in large measure to you, long-tame blamer.

    Additional ideas for the questionnaire:
    – - – -
    Is your boyfriend or husband trying to manipulate you unfairly when he cries? Does this make you angry through no fault of your own?

    Do you answer your boyfriend’s or husband’s questions firmly and definitively, even when you don’t know what you’re talking about?

    Do you give your boyfriend or husband unwanted advice that you would never accept from him?

    Does your boyfriend’s or husband’s knowledge always take a back seat to yours, even in his areas of expertise?

    Do you exhort random men on the street to “smile, honey”? Do you become verbally abusive if they tell you to mind your own business?

    Do you turn every conversation about your boyfriend’s or husband’s experiences around to you and your experiences?

    Do you try to persuade your boyfriend or husband that his experiences are not valid because what he says he has experienced has not happened to you, and your mother or sister never told you that it happened to her?

    Do most men lie just for the hell of it?

    Do the magazines, TV shows, and movies that your boyfriend or husband reads/sees make him dissatisfied with his body through unrealisistic and constantly changing standards of body weight, facial features, hair color and style, and penis size and shape?

    When your boyfriend or husband seeks reassurance about the relationship, does this make you angry, since he should assume everything is fine if you’re not withdrawn or yelling?

    Do you lecture your boyfriend or husband about your hobbies, favorites bands, political opinions, etc., demanding that he pay attention?
    Do you briefly pretend an interest when he mentions his hobbies, favorites bands, political opinions, etc.?

    Does your boyfriend or husband carry the burden of emotional work in the relationship?

    Does your boyfriend or husband have the responsibility to remember your family members’ birthdays?

    Do you keep grudges about how your boyfriend or husband hasn’t met your unspoken expecations?

    Do you subtly insult your boyfriend or husband in front of family and friends?

    Has your boyfriend or husband reached a moderately successful position because of his attractiveness, rather than hard work and talent?

    Does your boyfriend’s or husband’s physical attractiveness reflect on your worth?

    Do you expect your boyfriend or husband to be like your mother, but sexually uninhibited?

    Does your boyfriend or husband refuse to try some of the great-sounding sexual practices that your friends tell you about when their girlfriends or wives aren’t in earshot?

    Does your boyfriend or husband try to get out of hard physical work by pleading lack of strength, items being way out of reach, bad fit of your tools to his hands, etc., even though he clearly isn’t on crutches or pregnant?

    Does your boyfriend or husband have to eat “rabbit food” in order to maintain the weight that he was at when you met him? Does this annoy the hell out of you?

    Does your boyfriend or husband pretend to be physically hurt or ill when what he really needs is to buck up?

    Does your boyfriend or husband pretend to be upset just to get attention or presents from you?

    Does your boyfriend or husband become (more) moody at certain times of the day/month/year? You mean you fall for that nonsense when you feel the same way all the time? (The yelling and sullen silences don’t count.)

    Does your boyfriend or husband feel sad about growing old? Do you downplay his concerns and then ogle younger males?

    Does your boyfriend or husband sometimes seem less than excited at the prospect of sex with you, even after you’ve been watching porn and have some great ideas to try?

    Do some of your boyfriend’s or husband’s militant masculinist friends need:
    to shut the hell up, especially when you come into the room?
    a good fuck by a real woman?
    a slap in the kisser?
    a slug in the jaw?
    to go to one of those Arab countries where men *really* suffer?
    to have (more) kids so they’ll finally understand what it really means to be a real man?

    – - – -
    Hugs and red wine to Twisty and all the Blametariat,
    Dr. Beads

  62. Dr. Beads

    Oop, meant “long-time” rather than “long-tame,” of course. I am rarely tame.

    Glad to see that my randomly generated avatar is mainly purple.

  63. Twisty

    caitlinate: “You put the milk bag in the fridge!?”

    What the heck is a “milk bag?” It sounds like some kind of insult.

  64. Anna

    On special occasions, or when he’s seeking your approval, does your boyfriend or husband dance provocatively in lacy satin lingerie and a pair of Christian Louboutin pumps, the price of which would shock you?

    OMG, I *wish* he would. Men in corsets and fishnets are the second sexiest thing ON THE PLANET (the first being women in corsets and fishnets.)

  65. slythwolf

    I understand the phrase “milk bag” to be horsey slang for a pregnant mare’s enlarging mammary glands.

  66. Lauren O

    I do have male housemates though. It gives me a real kick the way women, when doing basic household tasks, manage to just do it. However, when men deign to do basic household tasks it’s a big song and dance of THEM distributing the tasks ‘equally’ whilst everybody else claps and cheers the dude on for his contribution.

    Similarly, my dad was extremely averse to chores. Even now, when I go home for Christmas or whatever, my sister and I end up doing the chores that my mom asked my dad to do before we arrived. The one thing he did was take out the garbage every week – and he only did half of that because one of us kids had the task of collecting the garbage from around the house. All he did was drag the cans to the top of the (extremely steep) driveway. He would make this huge ordeal out of it, announcing that he was going to do it, stomping around, shouting and cursing if a bottle fell out of a trash bag, etc. I remember the first time I was home alone for the weekend and had to do the trash by myself. I was astonished that it was actually very easy and took less than ten minutes. He had made it seem like such an arduous task that I had actually doubted whether I’d be physically able to do it.

  67. skreader

    No to most of them, but I don’t do much of them either. My Nigel is pretty OK, considering there IS a patriarchy.

    re: milk bag

    I think Caitlinate is posting from Canada, where cow milk is commonly sold in plastic bags. I first encountered them when we were visiting my Nigel’s family in Toronto.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Milk_bag

  68. Interrobang

    Heh.

    On special occasions, or when he’s seeking your approval, does your boyfriend or husband dance provocatively in lacy satin lingerie and a pair of Christian Louboutin pumps, the price of which would shock you?

    No, and neither do I. I don’t like lacy satin lingerie, and can’t move, let alone dance, in high heels.

    In school, were most of the assigned books written by poor women of color?

    Nope. I used to refer to it as The Whitest and Deadest of the Dead White Men.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father spend a lot of time and money on beauty?

    Probably more than I do. He’s quite obsessive about trimming his beard, and his hair takes three or four hours to untangle after he washes it. I have hair that’s 1/3 the length of his and is very fine and smooth, so I just wash it and leave it, and it turns into waves.

    Are some (wo)men sluts?

    Depends on how you define “slut,” I guess.

    When you go deer hunting, does your boyfriend or husband visit the spa for an herbal wrap, a facial, and a pedi?

    I don’t go deer hunting, and he doesn’t visit spas. However, he doesn’t go deer hunting either, and I don’t visit spas.

    Is your boyfriend, husband, or father afraid to walk alone at night?

    Yes. He’s been jumped and beaten. I haven’t and am not afraid to walk alone at night; I do it on a regular basis.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father yearn for shiny hair with “luscious volume”?

    No. He doesn’t have to, dammit.

    Would your boyfriend or husband continue to raise your kids and keep house for you if you stopped putting out?

    We don’t cohabit and kids are out of the question, so I have no idea.

    After the presidential inauguration, when your boyfriend, husband, or father had a light lunch with the girls, did the subject of Michelle Obama’s outfit come up?

    No idea. I wasn’t talking about it either. Neither of us live in the US, so it’s all sort of spectator sports as far as we’re concerned.

    Is there a fair representation of women in authoritative positions in government, organized religion, media, or business?

    No.

    When you see a professional sports event, are the athletes usually women?

    Yes, but the professional sports I watch most often are equestrian.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father take steps to eliminate his “feminine odor”?

    Yes.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father ever try to appease you by tilting his head and giggling?

    Yes. It’s kind of funny, actually.

    Is your boyfriend, husband, or father expected to wear makeup and heels to work?

    No, but neither am I. I’m currently wearing Doc Martens and my usual lack of makeup.

    Are the bosses at your job mostly women?

    No, I’m the only other woman besides the office manager.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father think it would be good to have “glowing skin”?

    No, he’s English, so he doesn’t have to think that.

    Does your boyfriend or husband constantly nag you to leave the seat down?

    No, although my male roommate and he did once tell me that since they outnumbered me in the house, I had to start putting the seat up.

    When it’s time to buy a new car, are you the one who negotiates with the salesman because you’ll get a better deal?

    I’ve never bought a new car because I don’t drive, but I routinely handle complex financial transactions and he doesn’t.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father carry a can of pepper spray in his purse?

    No, but neither of us carry purses, and both of us come from jurisdictions where pepper spray and handguns are illegal.

    Does your husband thank you for babysitting?

    No, no kids.

    When your boyfriend or husband buys a cute new bag, is he crestfallen when you fail to notice?

    He never has any money, so I’m not sure it comes up. I don’t do this to him, either.

    Do your fiance and his father eagerly look forward to planning your wedding?

    My Nigel would probably be more into wedding plans than I would be. Marriage isn’t in the cards at the moment, at least, though. When I was affianced, my ex-fiance was much more enthusiastic about wedding plans than I was.

    For Valentine’s Day, do you give your boyfriend or husband a sexy nightie and a box of chocolates? Or, if you forget, does he feel hurt?

    No, and no. Both of us are HersheyHallmarkDeBeers Day Conscientious Objectors.

    Has your boyfriend, husband, or father undergone breast augmentation surgery? Tummy tuck? Liposuction?

    He had an operation to remove a tongue tie, does that count?

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father accept with a resigned sigh that the women in his office are usually given higher salaries and better promotions than the men?

    No. He doesn’t have a paid job and is a full-time caregiver for his elderly parents.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father wait tables at Hooters?

    No, but I did have a friend say he could get him a modelling contract…

    Are you OK with it if your boyfriend or husband gains a little weight, because curvy men turn you on?

    I actually prefer him skinnier, and he prefers me curvier. Whoops.

    When your boyfriend or husband would rather just cuddle, do you pick a fight?

    No.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father clean the toilets with harsh chemicals?

    Yes. And elbow grease.

    Do you love the way heels make his legs look longer and sexier?

    Oh god, I’ve been trying to get him into a kilt and heels for years now…

    When dudes on the street whistle or make suggestive comments to your boyfriend, husband, or father, does he photograph them and send the pictures to HollaBack?

    No, because he doesn’t have a cellphone, let alone one with a camera. It does happen, though.

    Is your boyfriend, husband, or father a primary school teacher, a nanny, a maid, or a stay-at-home mom because he finds it so gratifying to make personal sacrifices for others that he doesn’t mind the low or non-existent pay?

    My boyfriend is a stay-at-home caregiver to his elderly parents, but the reasons behind it are complicated and it’s not out of personal gratification.

    Do you send your boyfriend, husband, or father email forwards describing rape avoidance techniques?

    No, although I have discussed violence-avoidance techniques with him.

    Does lipstick scientifically formulated with ginkgo biloba, licorice, and tea tree oil give your boyfriend’s or husband’s lips a fuller, plumper, more kissable look?

    No, but I gave him my rose-flavoured lip balm specifically for the purpose. :)

  69. Amananta

    I have occasionally known men who were afraid to walk alone at night – but these were neighborhoods where the body count was rather high.

    Otherwise, a resounding “no” to all of it.

  70. minervaK

    On special occasions, or when he’s seeking your approval, does your boyfriend or husband dance provocatively in lacy satin lingerie and a pair of Christian Louboutin pumps, the price of which would shock you?

    Almost always.

    In school, were most of the assigned books written by poor women of color?

    Which school? What books? Where am I?

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father spend a lot of time and money on beauty?

    No, but he does wear a satin sleep mask that he had to re-finance the house to purchase.

    Are some women sluts?

    I’m sorry, could you repeat the question? Again? Again? Again? Oh, god, don’t stop…

    When you go deer hunting, does your boyfriend or husband visit the spa for an herbal wrap, a facial, and a pedi?

    He damned well better! I’m not bringing home the bacon to some rough-skinned, snag-toenailed hag of a man!

    Is your boyfriend, husband, or father afraid to walk alone at night?

    Only through our house.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father yearn for shiny hair with “luscious volume”?

    I’m sorry, this is just too easy.

    Would your boyfriend or husband continue to raise your kids and keep house for you if you stopped putting out?

    Putting out what? Fires? The trash? I’m confused.

    After the presidential inauguration, when your boyfriend, husband, or father had a light lunch with the girls, did the subject of Michelle Obama’s outfit come up?

    Haw, haw! You bet it did!

    Is there a fair representation of women in authoritative positions in government, organized religion, media, or business?

    It depends on your definition of the word ‘fair.’

    When you see a professional sports event, are the athletes usually women?

    Now, why would I want to see a thing like that?

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father take steps to eliminate his “feminine odor”?

    Are you kidding? He makes sure his feminine odor coats everything in the house.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father ever try to appease you by tilting his head and giggling?

    Sadly, yes.

    Is your boyfriend, husband, or father expected to wear makeup and heels to work?

    Yes, but he’s liberated, so he fights the power by showing up in lingerie instead.

    Are the bosses at your job mostly women?

    Oh, how I love answering this question. I DO NOT HAVE BOSSES.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father think it would be good to have “glowing skin”?

    Yes, which is why he bought the Plutonium home that day.

    Does your boyfriend or husband constantly nag you to leave the seat down?

    It depends on your definition of the word ‘nag.’

    When it’s time to buy a new car, are you the one who negotiates with the salesman because you’ll get a better deal?

    Actually? In all seriousness? Yes.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father carry a can of pepper spray in his purse?

    It’s a MAN BAG, thankyouverymuch.

    Does your husband thank you for babysitting?

    I would not be caught dead babysitting.

    When your boyfriend or husband buys a cute new bag, is he crestfallen when you fail to notice?

    Having had his crest amputated in a horrible childhood accident, my husband is unable to perform this manly maneuver. But thanks for asking.

    Do your fiancé and his father eagerly look forward to planning your wedding?

    They were, but I absconded to Mexico with the money they’d set aside for the strippers at the bachelor party. Boy, were they mad!

    For Valentine’s Day, do you give your boyfriend or husband a sexy nightie and a box of chocolates? Or, if you forget, does he feel hurt?

    Actually, he prefers a chocolate nightie.

    Has your boyfriend, husband, or father undergone breast augmentation surgery? Tummy tuck? Liposuction?

    No but he did have a scrotum tuck. It was getting all wrinkly.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father accept with a resigned sigh that the women in his office are usually given higher salaries and better promotions than the men?

    He accepts nothing with a resigned sigh, depsite repeated training.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father wait tables at Hooters?

    Yes.

    Are you OK with it if your boyfriend or husband gains a little weight, because curvy men turn you on?

    No, I force him to undergo home liposuction. I get continuing education points for it.

    When your boyfriend or husband would rather just cuddle, do you pick a fight?

    Yes, and he has to let me win.

    Does your boyfriend, husband, or father clean the toilets with harsh chemicals?

    Good lord, what do you think we are, Neanderthals?

    Do you love the way heels make his legs look longer and sexier?

    I do, but it’s really hard to find stilettos in a 13EEEE.

    When dudes on the street whistle or make suggestive comments to your boyfriend, husband, or father, does he photograph them and send the pictures to HollaBack?

    He doesn’t know how to use a camera, much less the internet.

    Is your boyfriend, husband, or father a primary school teacher, a nanny, a maid, or a stay-at-home mom because he finds it so gratifying to make personal sacrifices for others that he doesn’t mind the low or non-existent pay?

    My husband, brother or father is a primary stay-at-home teacher of nannies.

    Do you send your boyfriend, husband, or father email forwards describing rape avoidance techniques?

    Of course. I don’t want him to accidentally rape someone.

    Does lipstick scientifically formulated with ginkgo biloba, licorice, and tea tree oil give your boyfriend’s or husband’s lips a fuller, plumper, more kissable look?

    Not really, but to show him how much I appreciate his effort to keep himself looking nice for me, I allow him to perform oral sex upon my person (while wearing the lipstick, natch).

  71. Ciccina

    Does your boyfriend or husband constantly nag you to leave the seat down?

    YES!!! Our dog drinks from the toilet; the man is constantly badgering me to remember to close the lid so she can’t do this, and I ALWAYS forget. He always remembers. Really I think he makes too big a deal about it.

    Does your husband thank you for babysitting?

    No babies, but he thanks me if I’ve had to spend an unusually long amount of time minding the above-mentioned dog while he’s doing something else. (The dog, a rescue, needs a lot of minding. Actually, she needs surveillance).

    Is your boyfriend, husband, or father afraid to walk alone at night?

    I live in DC, where the average person would kill you as soon as look at you. Only the very lucky survive. Despite this, neither of us is particularly fearful.

    As it happens, in the most recent sex crime to have happened in my neighborhood, the victim was an adult hetero male. (And yes, there are people who still comment that it was probably ‘consensual’ sex that got ‘a little out of hand.’ Leading to rape, torture and murder. Hey, you know how easily that can happen.)

    When you see a professional sports event, are the athletes usually women?

    Moot. Neither of us goes to sporting events, nor do we watch them on tv, except for Ultimate Fighting. He explains wrestling moves to me, and I point out the homoerotic content to him; the two of us have a grand time.

  72. Jezebella

    Having neither a boyfriend nor a husband, I am wondering how my mother would respond if I sent her these questions about my father. Anybody else tried this?

  73. Professor Zero

    OMG what a great post.

  74. minervaK

    Having neither a boyfriend nor a husband, I am wondering how my mother would respond if I sent her these questions about my father. Anybody else tried this?

    No, but now I want to.

  75. Josquin

    I’m late to the game here, but upon reading the questionaire, I there’s no snickering, giggling or LOL whatsoever. Just sadness.
    Just bitterness. It’s just too true.
    Okay, I did manage a rueful smile at GimmmeMinute’s and MinervaK’s answers.

  76. Spiders

    Wow, how many people took this literally?
    Excellent way to make a point. I’m passing it on to all the het-partnered people I know.

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