No, but now I want to.

YES!!! Our dog drinks from the toilet; the man is constantly badgering me to remember to close the lid so she can’t do this, and I ALWAYS forget. He always remembers. Really I think he makes too big a deal about it.

Does your husband thank you for babysitting?

No babies, but he thanks me if I’ve had to spend an unusually long amount of time minding the above-mentioned dog while he’s doing something else. (The dog, a rescue, needs a lot of minding. Actually, she needs surveillance).

Is your boyfriend, husband, or father afraid to walk alone at night?

I live in DC, where the average person would kill you as soon as look at you. Only the very lucky survive. Despite this, neither of us is particularly fearful.

As it happens, in the most recent sex crime to have happened in my neighborhood, the victim was an adult hetero male. (And yes, there are people who still comment that it was probably ‘consensual’ sex that got ‘a little out of hand.’ Leading to rape, torture and murder. Hey, you know how easily that can happen.)

When you see a professional sports event, are the athletes usually women?

Moot. Neither of us goes to sporting events, nor do we watch them on tv, except for Ultimate Fighting. He explains wrestling moves to me, and I point out the homoerotic content to him; the two of us have a grand time.

Almost always.

In school, were most of the assigned books written by poor women of color?

Which school? What books? Where am I?

Does your boyfriend, husband, or father spend a lot of time and money on beauty?

No, but he does wear a satin sleep mask that he had to re-finance the house to purchase.

Are some women sluts?

I’m sorry, could you repeat the question? Again? Again? Again? Oh, god, don’t stop…

When you go deer hunting, does your boyfriend or husband visit the spa for an herbal wrap, a facial, and a pedi?

He damned well better! I’m not bringing home the bacon to some rough-skinned, snag-toenailed hag of a man!

Is your boyfriend, husband, or father afraid to walk alone at night?

Only through our house.

Does your boyfriend, husband, or father yearn for shiny hair with “luscious volume”?

I’m sorry, this is just too easy.

Would your boyfriend or husband continue to raise your kids and keep house for you if you stopped putting out?

Putting out what? Fires? The trash? I’m confused.

After the presidential inauguration, when your boyfriend, husband, or father had a light lunch with the girls, did the subject of Michelle Obama’s outfit come up?

Haw, haw! You bet it did!

Is there a fair representation of women in authoritative positions in government, organized religion, media, or business?

It depends on your definition of the word ‘fair.’

When you see a professional sports event, are the athletes usually women?

Now, why would I want to see a thing like that?

Does your boyfriend, husband, or father take steps to eliminate his “feminine odor”?

Are you kidding? He makes sure his feminine odor coats everything in the house.

Does your boyfriend, husband, or father ever try to appease you by tilting his head and giggling?

Sadly, yes.

Is your boyfriend, husband, or father expected to wear makeup and heels to work?

Yes, but he’s liberated, so he fights the power by showing up in lingerie instead.

Are the bosses at your job mostly women?

Oh, how I love answering this question. I DO NOT HAVE BOSSES.

Does your boyfriend, husband, or father think it would be good to have “glowing skin”?

Yes, which is why he bought the Plutonium home that day.

Does your boyfriend or husband constantly nag you to leave the seat down?

It depends on your definition of the word ‘nag.’

When it’s time to buy a new car, are you the one who negotiates with the salesman because you’ll get a better deal?

Actually? In all seriousness? Yes.

Does your boyfriend, husband, or father carry a can of pepper spray in his purse?

It’s a MAN BAG, thankyouverymuch.

Does your husband thank you for babysitting?

I would not be caught dead babysitting.

When your boyfriend or husband buys a cute new bag, is he crestfallen when you fail to notice?

Having had his crest amputated in a horrible childhood accident, my husband is unable to perform this manly maneuver. But thanks for asking.

Do your fiancé and his father eagerly look forward to planning your wedding?

They were, but I absconded to Mexico with the money they’d set aside for the strippers at the bachelor party. Boy, were they mad!

For Valentine’s Day, do you give your boyfriend or husband a sexy nightie and a box of chocolates? Or, if you forget, does he feel hurt?

Actually, he prefers a chocolate nightie.

Has your boyfriend, husband, or father undergone breast augmentation surgery? Tummy tuck? Liposuction?

No but he did have a scrotum tuck. It was getting all wrinkly.

Does your boyfriend, husband, or father accept with a resigned sigh that the women in his office are usually given higher salaries and better promotions than the men?

He accepts nothing with a resigned sigh, depsite repeated training.

Does your boyfriend, husband, or father wait tables at Hooters?

Yes.

Are you OK with it if your boyfriend or husband gains a little weight, because curvy men turn you on?

No, I force him to undergo home liposuction. I get continuing education points for it.

When your boyfriend or husband would rather just cuddle, do you pick a fight?

Yes, and he has to let me win.

Does your boyfriend, husband, or father clean the toilets with harsh chemicals?

Good lord, what do you think we are, Neanderthals?

Do you love the way heels make his legs look longer and sexier?

I do, but it’s really hard to find stilettos in a 13EEEE.

When dudes on the street whistle or make suggestive comments to your boyfriend, husband, or father, does he photograph them and send the pictures to HollaBack?

He doesn’t know how to use a camera, much less the internet.

Is your boyfriend, husband, or father a primary school teacher, a nanny, a maid, or a stay-at-home mom because he finds it so gratifying to make personal sacrifices for others that he doesn’t mind the low or non-existent pay?

My husband, brother or father is a primary stay-at-home teacher of nannies.

Do you send your boyfriend, husband, or father email forwards describing rape avoidance techniques?

Of course. I don’t want him to accidentally rape someone.

Does lipstick scientifically formulated with ginkgo biloba, licorice, and tea tree oil give your boyfriend’s or husband’s lips a fuller, plumper, more kissable look?

Not really, but to show him how much I appreciate his effort to keep himself looking nice for me, I allow him to perform oral sex upon my person (while wearing the lipstick, natch).

Otherwise, a resounding “no” to all of it.

On special occasions, or when he’s seeking your approval, does your boyfriend or husband dance provocatively in lacy satin lingerie and a pair of Christian Louboutin pumps, the price of which would shock you?

No, and neither do I. I don’t like lacy satin lingerie, and can’t move, let alone dance, in high heels.

In school, were most of the assigned books written by poor women of color?

Nope. I used to refer to it as The Whitest and Deadest of the Dead White Men.

Does your boyfriend, husband, or father spend a lot of time and money on beauty?

Probably more than I do. He’s quite obsessive about trimming his beard, and his hair takes three or four hours to untangle after he washes it. I have hair that’s 1/3 the length of his and is very fine and smooth, so I just wash it and leave it, and it turns into waves.

Are some (wo)men sluts?

Depends on how you define “slut,” I guess.

When you go deer hunting, does your boyfriend or husband visit the spa for an herbal wrap, a facial, and a pedi?

I don’t go deer hunting, and he doesn’t visit spas. However, he doesn’t go deer hunting either, and I don’t visit spas.

Is your boyfriend, husband, or father afraid to walk alone at night?

Yes. He’s been jumped and beaten. I haven’t and am not afraid to walk alone at night; I do it on a regular basis.

Does your boyfriend, husband, or father yearn for shiny hair with “luscious volume”?

No. He doesn’t have to, dammit.

Would your boyfriend or husband continue to raise your kids and keep house for you if you stopped putting out?

We don’t cohabit and kids are out of the question, so I have no idea.

After the presidential inauguration, when your boyfriend, husband, or father had a light lunch with the girls, did the subject of Michelle Obama’s outfit come up?

No idea. I wasn’t talking about it either. Neither of us live in the US, so it’s all sort of spectator sports as far as we’re concerned.

Is there a fair representation of women in authoritative positions in government, organized religion, media, or business?

No.

When you see a professional sports event, are the athletes usually women?

Yes, but the professional sports I watch most often are equestrian.

Does your boyfriend, husband, or father take steps to eliminate his “feminine odor”?

Yes.

Does your boyfriend, husband, or father ever try to appease you by tilting his head and giggling?

Yes. It’s kind of funny, actually.

Is your boyfriend, husband, or father expected to wear makeup and heels to work?

No, but neither am I. I’m currently wearing Doc Martens and my usual lack of makeup.

Are the bosses at your job mostly women?

No, I’m the only other woman besides the office manager.

Does your boyfriend, husband, or father think it would be good to have “glowing skin”?

No, he’s English, so he doesn’t have to think that.

Does your boyfriend or husband constantly nag you to leave the seat down?

No, although my male roommate and he did once tell me that since they outnumbered me in the house, I had to start putting the seat up.

When it’s time to buy a new car, are you the one who negotiates with the salesman because you’ll get a better deal?

I’ve never bought a new car because I don’t drive, but I routinely handle complex financial transactions and he doesn’t.

Does your boyfriend, husband, or father carry a can of pepper spray in his purse?

No, but neither of us carry purses, and both of us come from jurisdictions where pepper spray and handguns are illegal.

Does your husband thank you for babysitting?

No, no kids.

When your boyfriend or husband buys a cute new bag, is he crestfallen when you fail to notice?

He never has any money, so I’m not sure it comes up. I don’t do this to him, either.

Do your fiance and his father eagerly look forward to planning your wedding?

My Nigel would probably be more into wedding plans than I would be. Marriage isn’t in the cards at the moment, at least, though. When I was affianced, my ex-fiance was much more enthusiastic about wedding plans than I was.

For Valentine’s Day, do you give your boyfriend or husband a sexy nightie and a box of chocolates? Or, if you forget, does he feel hurt?

No, and no. Both of us are HersheyHallmarkDeBeers Day Conscientious Objectors.

Has your boyfriend, husband, or father undergone breast augmentation surgery? Tummy tuck? Liposuction?

He had an operation to remove a tongue tie, does that count?

Does your boyfriend, husband, or father accept with a resigned sigh that the women in his office are usually given higher salaries and better promotions than the men?

No. He doesn’t have a paid job and is a full-time caregiver for his elderly parents.

Does your boyfriend, husband, or father wait tables at Hooters?

No, but I did have a friend say he could get him a modelling contract…

Are you OK with it if your boyfriend or husband gains a little weight, because curvy men turn you on?

I actually prefer him skinnier, and he prefers me curvier. Whoops.

When your boyfriend or husband would rather just cuddle, do you pick a fight?

No.

Does your boyfriend, husband, or father clean the toilets with harsh chemicals?

Yes. And elbow grease.

Do you love the way heels make his legs look longer and sexier?

Oh god, I’ve been trying to get him into a kilt and heels for years now…

When dudes on the street whistle or make suggestive comments to your boyfriend, husband, or father, does he photograph them and send the pictures to HollaBack?

No, because he doesn’t have a cellphone, let alone one with a camera. It does happen, though.

Is your boyfriend, husband, or father a primary school teacher, a nanny, a maid, or a stay-at-home mom because he finds it so gratifying to make personal sacrifices for others that he doesn’t mind the low or non-existent pay?

My boyfriend is a stay-at-home caregiver to his elderly parents, but the reasons behind it are complicated and it’s not out of personal gratification.

Do you send your boyfriend, husband, or father email forwards describing rape avoidance techniques?

No, although I have discussed violence-avoidance techniques with him.

Does lipstick scientifically formulated with ginkgo biloba, licorice, and tea tree oil give your boyfriend’s or husband’s lips a fuller, plumper, more kissable look?

No, but I gave him my rose-flavoured lip balm specifically for the purpose. :)

re: milk bag

I think Caitlinate is posting from Canada, where cow milk is commonly sold in plastic bags. I first encountered them when we were visiting my Nigel’s family in Toronto.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Milk_bag