Your views may differ, but here at Spinster HQ the day just doesn’t feel complete unless we meditate on a study conducted by sexperts explaining patriarchy in unassailable scientific terms. In fact, we’re collecting evidence in support of the theory that sexperts — there appears to be a nearly inexhaustible supply of’em — are actually cybernetic minionbots engineered by a secret cabal of overlords to ceaselessly pursue a sacred quest: proof that H. sapiens is actually two distinct species, Homo masculomacho, (“regular guys”), and Monachus gluteus rosus, (alternatively known as “uteropods”).
But that’s another post!
Today’s boys-and-girls-are-different-species study finds that if you are a team of evolutionary psychologists, and you superscientifically “quiz” 571 young adults about whether they have a “positive outlook,” and then present the results of the quiz at the British Psychological Society in Brighton, the BBC will post an article in its “Health” section entitled “Sisters ‘make people happy’.”
Whereas — you guessed it — “brothers breed distress.”
According to Professor Tony Cassidy of the University of Ulster, families with boys need extra care.
“We may have to think carefully about the way we deal with families with lots of boys.”
Then again, we may not. Because fortunately, female offspring, with their specialized cohesion, communication, happiness, and emotional openness lobes, can be utilized to stabilize the psychological health of otherwise crummy families. Girls, it turns out, are built-in family therapists!
[Professor Tony Cassidy] said many of the participants had been brought up in families where parents had split and the impact of sisters was even more marked in these circumstances.
So if you’ve got some sisters, and your family is still dysfunctional (dad’s a stinking drunk, mom lies in bed all day weeping, junior is amassing firearms for a school shooting, etc) it can only mean one thing: the girls aren’t doing their jobs. Most likely they’re hanging around coffee shops with dog-eared Rimbaud paperbacks, scribbling self-absorbed poetry. These slackers must be urged to put their shoulders to the wheel. I suggest grounding them and taking away their cell phones until the fam is once again purring along like a well-controlled Basic Patriarchal Unit.