No doubt you are deeply embarrassed for me, my having developed the unseemly habit of reading the BBC news feed, selecting a grotesque headline from the “Health” section, and dropping it at your feet like some slavering dog with a half-dead rat. And no doubt what I am about to say will raise the concern hackles of dudely readers who are always warning me for my own good to stop wasting energy on playing the blame game and learn to accept personal responsibility for all the bullshit in the world, but dang it, I Blame Firefox. The stupid BBC came pre-embedded in the bookmarks bar of my latest Firefox install. It’s the very first one on the left! It might as well be a flashing neon sign with 17 blinking arrows reading “FISH IN A BARREL! SHOOT HERE!” It’s irresistible.
“Pull yourself together, Twisty!” you’re saying. “Is your delete-finger broken or something?”
Well, yes. As a matter of fact, it is.
Which explains why, when I got back from this morning’s Fungus Safari (see Fig. 17.b), this was the nausea-inducing headline that awaited me:
“Spray for ‘six times longer’ sex.”
As you know, sex is the most important fucking thing in the universe.
I wasted no time in deducing the gist of this article from the headline. Some knob, I surmised, has invented a spray-on boner, giving new meaning to the term “fucknozzle.” There was no point in imagining that the spray to which it alludes was, say, pepper spray, and that the scenario proposed incapacitating your would-be pronger long enough for you to get the job done yourself. No, in this day and age — which happily resembles, as far as horndog dudes are concerned, any day and age — sexy medical breakthroughs are universally phallocentric.
Six-times-longer sex spray is no exception. As I’d suspected, its target demographic is the dude plagued with emasculating flaccidity. Unlike our beloved Viagra, however, which fixes “erectile dysfunction,” the new spray — just aim the fucknozzle and shoot! — supposedly addresses “premature ejaculation.” This is another harrowing disorder which renders a dude incapable of demonstrating his masculine superpowers to the exacting standards of today’s strict Pornulational Code.
When is a particular ejaculation “premature”? Whenever dudeliness is compromised!
As mentioned above, sex enhancing drugs are pretty exclusively the purview of men. Nevertheless, the drugs’ benefits to women, though non-existent, are routinely exaggerated. This marketing feat is accomplished with the dominant culture’s definition of women’s sexuality in terms of men, supported by the dudely myth that fetishizes the female’s supposed burning desire for marathon doses of penetration. This BBC article on premature ejaculation, for instance, is illustrated with a photograph of a young, attractive heterosexual couple en dishabille. The woman stares at the camera with hurt, sad doe-eyes; her man, with his pathetic malfunctioning peen, cannot satisfy her desperate urge for 6 times more penetration. Soon they will break up, and he will commit suicide. Bring on the boner spray, with all speed!
PSD502 helped 90% of the men enjoy sex for up to four minutes, where they had previously only lasted for seconds.
PSD502 is an anesthetic that basically numbs out the willy, so it is unlikely that the “enjoyment” has much to do with actual physical sensation. Duration — that manliest of the manly talents — appears to be the only objective.
While men are enjoying “sex” six times longer, they are also “building confidence.” “Sex” is the dudely synonym for “penetration.” “Confidence” is the dudely synonym for “successful exercise of male privilege.”