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Apr 09 2009

Spinster aunt says “fuck this” and “fuck that”

You can heave your sigh of relief; no BBC News chimp-biology-is-human-destiny post will be inflicted on you today. Not that every effort wasn’t made. But inexplicably, this morning’s Beeb feed was all full of non-ev-psych patriarchy stuff. The headlines all sounded like paperback bestsellers or Hollywood blockbusters. “Cyberspies infiltrate US power grid.” “How can pirates be stopped?” “Ugandan spy jailed for AIDS fraud.” Spies and pirates!

I did notice that the UK’s “top counter-terrorism officer” got sacked after he was photographed waving top-secret documents around on the street. I had a chuckle about that.

You know, the more I read about the zany antics of British politicians, the more they remind me of the Texas legislature.

The Texas lege, for those who have the misfortune of not being Texan, is widely regarded as the most ape-shit hilarious lege in the land.

But I digress.

Since the BBC couldn’t deliver the goods, I was forced to click on the next feed, the Huffington Post. Breaking news! “Hillary channels Michelle.” Apparently Clinton was spotted wearing a jaunty belt and flowery brooch, sending shockwaves throughout the galaxy. A few clicks later, it became clear that the Huffington Post employs legions of people to report with deadly seriousness — as though lives were at stake — on the personal appearance of political women. Check out this irrelevant admonishment:

When Oscar de la Renta lambasted Michelle Obama last week in Women’s Wear Daily for wearing a cardigan to meet Queen Elizabeth II – sniping, “You don’t go to Buckingham Palace in a sweater” — he betrayed a disdain for the First Lady’s sense of style that is at the heart of the fashion establishment’s criticism of her. [cite]

Fashion establishment? Mang, if I were running the feminist revolt, the first thing I’d hurl several thousand grenades at would be the Fashion Establishment. Racist, sexist, fascist, classist, consumerist, misogynist, and snobby; fashion’s just an ugly little package of old-world patriarchy wrapped up in overpriced taffeta made by indentured slaves in the Northern Mariana Islands. Who the fuck cares if Obama goes to Buckingham Palace in a sweater? Would it give the fucking Queen an aneurysm? Would it cause global warming? Would it throw the economy in the toilet? Think of the children!

Fuck that gasbag snob Oscar de la Renta, and fuck anyone who thinks his asinine occupation exhibits an iota of philosophic value. And while I’m at it, fuck the British monarchy, too.

Well, that about wraps it up. I’ve gotta go oppress some fire ants. I will be wearing what I would wear to Buckingham Palace: dirty breeches, rubber boots, and a crummy University of Texas baseball cap.

65 comments

  1. HazelStone

    They are just pissed because she famously wears cheap off the rack stuff (like J. Crew on Jay Leno) all the time.

  2. Jezebella

    You know what gets me? That “cheap off the rack stuff” from J. Crew still costs over $100 per item, which isn’t “cheap” to me. Last night “Dr.” Laura was on Larry King, and as I tootled past, the caption read “Is Michelle a good role model for Moms?”. “Dr.” Laura was talking about how her own personal heart breaks for mothers who have to have jobs, and suddenly a tourette’s like burst of profanity erupted from my head. I wish they would leave Michelle Obama the fuck alone.

  3. larkspur

    …Racist, sexist, fascist, classist, consumerist, misogynist, and snobby; fashion’s just an ugly little package of old-world patriarchy wrapped up in overpriced taffeta made by indentured slaves in the Northern Mariana Islands….

    I love this. I’d like to see some woman who’s won some kind of performance award to totally stump the commentators, because she is wearing clothing that looks oddly elegant, and yet cannot be identified as to designer (OMG, maybe it isn’t a designer outfit!), and is un-accessorized by borrowed and hideously expensive jewelry. Let one woman get off the haute couture merry-go-round and a lot of heads will keep spinning.

    And people keep nattering on and on about Michelle Obama and the Queen, and which bits of protocol were stepped on and which weren’t, blah blah blah. Meanwhile, it looks like the two women had a really nice time together. So subversive.

  4. Jezebella

    Larkspur, this has actually happened once in living memory. Remember the time Bjork showed up in that swan dress at an awards show? The fashionista fascisti are still making tired jokes about it. Heaven forbid a woman show up not wearing a Name Dress and some blood diamonds.

  5. terristrange

    What exactly does one wear to Buckingham palace? Being a urban peasant myself I rarely enjoy the delights of fashion so a sweater in the springtime sounds appropriate to the practical side of my brain.
    I also don’t understand why the media is so wrapped up in how Michelle Obama dresses, so she coordinates and wears bright colors? I thought the first lady was supposed to charm and delight the foreign dignitaries and be an excellent hostess herself. She seems to be fitting the bill just fine. Leave her alone, fascists.

  6. julybirthday

    University of Texas baseball hat?

    *But what about the Aggies?*

  7. Medbh

    Did you see the NYT article “The End of ‘Wife Wear’”?

    http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/07/fashion/07iht-ffirst.html?partner=rss&emc=rss

    It makes no sense. Isn’t it really saying that cardigan sweaters are the new duds for political wives?

  8. lysistrata

    Oh, noezzzzzz, Tha fashion vatican is in session.

    Practically all males-with-superpowers to know how women feel in clothes, particularly in skirts, which MAKES US, so much more, easily accessible for the fucking patriarchal protuberances. IBTP for the existence of the socially parasitic fashion designers, critics, writers, and for the ignorant exceptionalism of the upper east side and/or newyorkness.

    These inept human-doings think a t-shirt is a ´design´, for crying out loud! They are too uncreative to develop men´s clothes, of course, so they dedicate themselves to imposing on women.

    And fuck this shit about calling women by their first name and men by the last! Of course, in English, the P´s ownership includes …deleting! the ´ringed´ woman´s last name, which is an obscene denial of our pre and post-existence.

    Patriarchs to the unemployment line!

  9. Satchel Pooch

    Mahatma Gandhi visited King George V in 1931 wearing a dhoti, and despite twittering from such notables as Winston Churchill (“alarming and nauseating”) he was received graciously. If the monarchy survived that, surely it will survive Mrs. Obama’s sweater.

    Couldn’t agree more re. the fashion establishment being the standard-bearers, in excruciating detail, for patriarchal values.

  10. Cocodamolly

    As a ‘subject’ of that monarchy, I second: fuck that.

  11. Vinaigrette Girl

    will be wearing what I would wear to Buckingham Palace: dirty breeches, rubber boots, and a crummy University of Texas baseball cap.

    Will that be all, madam? (Just … wondering.)

  12. Dipenates

    dirty breeches, rubber boots, and a crummy University of Texas baseball cap

    Which is more or less what the Queen wears, when she has her druthers.

  13. B. Dagger Lee

    I just don’t want to see no curtseying. Nothing fills me with hysterical anti-monarchy rage like the curtsey.

  14. slythwolf

    Hell yes, fuck curtseying. Real Human Beings get to bow, which is halfway dignified, but Wimminz have to do this stupid little bobbing thing that looks like it’s going to snap an ankle any second. Fuck. That.

  15. PhysioProf

    Of course these greedfuck fashion fuckwads are pissed off at Michelle Obama. She’s spurning her duty to help them sell overpriced cheap shit.

  16. Marilyn

    Racist, sexist, fascist, classist, consumerist, misogynist, and snobby

    You forgot irrelevant and dispensable.

  17. Gertrude Strine

    And while I’m at it, fuck the British monarchy, too

    Fuck it all.

    And God Save The Queen. We mean it maaaaan.

  18. parallel

    Meanwhile, it looks like the two women had a really nice time together. So subversive.

    Ah but that’s just it.

    They can’t bear the idea of women actually talking to each other and getting along at all. Especially not if they think they’ll ever talk about anything other than kindekuchekircheklothes.

    “two women sit down, have tea and have a good laugh about what knobs all those self important men are” is a thought that utterly terrifies the powers that be.

  19. yttik

    High fashion can be hilarious. We recently watched some emaciated models dressed up as giant artichokes. I’m not sure why you need to weigh 90 pounds simply to cover yourself in giant green leaves, but I blame the patriarchy. My second favorite was a woman in plaid with large fried eggs sewn to her dress. Not sure what was on her head, a pancake perhaps?

    Hilarious sometimes, but as a part of our culture, also incredibly humiliating. It’s one thing to be considered a second class citizen, but it’s another to be dressed up in mock worthy clothing and paraded around as if this were the epitome of womanhood. It really hit me seeing Michelle with a giant white bow under her chin. What was the message here, that women drool and need a bib? That we’re too stupid to remove the napkin after visiting the dentist? That giant white bow was the equivalent of an old fashioned dunce cap and it absolutely infuriated me. That woman will win my undying respect when she rips the damn bow off and beats somebody with it.

  20. rootlesscosmo

    The Texas lege, for those who have the misfortune of not being Texan, is widely regarded as the most ape-shit hilarious lege in the land.

    Still, the Indiana one has the distinction of having considered–or passed?–a law declaring that pi was equal to three. The authority was some godbag interpretation of some verses in the Bible claiming to describe the dimensions of something or other. Oh, the merry times the worthy legislators would have had in buildings designed according to that version of reality!

  21. CoolAunt

    Larkspur, this has actually happened once in living memory. Remember the time Bjork showed up in that swan dress at an awards show? The fashionista fascisti are still making tired jokes about it. Heaven forbid a woman show up not wearing a Name Dress and some blood diamonds.

    How ’bout the time that Sharon Stone wore black slacks to the Oscars?

  22. gayle

    “Remember the time Bjork showed up in that swan dress at an awards show?”

    Remember it? That swan dress was the greatest thing that’s ever happened in the recorded history of award shows. Just thinking of it fills me with joy.

  23. birkwearingblamer

    Of course, it never entered this designer dude’s head that Michelle Obama might want to play down her attire because of the bad economy. It’s bad form to wear a dress that costs more than most workers make in a year when layoffs are escalating and people are losing their homes. But realizing that would require at least an once of humanity. What do you expect from a guy who wants women who are as thing as hangers for his designs?

  24. D.

    Those of us who cut our milk teeth on Molly Ivins read your sentence “The Texas lege, for those who have the misfortune of not being Texan, is widely regarded as the most ape-shit hilarious lege in the land.” and fall about laughing and whooping. (If anyone is willing to pay me 3 million dollars per year upfront, I will move to Texas. [pause] Didn’t think so.)

    But yes, Michelle Obama is black and grew up working class, yet she dresses well without the tutelage of fashion designers. The horror! Why, all women might do that!

    Heh.

    The economy must be worse than we thought.

  25. larkspur

    Ah, Bjork! CoolAunt, I think Sharon Stone wore a black Gap t-shirt that time, with a designer skirt, and she looked really good. Later she said she’d stepped on the hem of the dress she’d planned to wear and ripped it badly. But I might be conflating two Sharon Stone events. But I don’t think further research is warranted.

    As to male fashion designers, one can never blame them too much. But I have to say that some of the harshest enforcers of the status quo are Women Who Hate Us.

    In conclusion, I find that despite my best efforts, I’m beginning to think of Helen Mirren’s The Queen as almost a documentary. It is not, of course, but I can’t help it.

  26. slythwolf

    It’s bad form to wear a dress that costs more than most workers make in a year when layoffs are escalating and people are losing their homes.

    I would argue that it’s bad form to wear a dress that costs more than most workers make in a year at any time.

    Tangent: I hear someone may have recently called me a dude somewhere around here. Rest assured I am not one.

  27. gowbster

    Is it okay to be a boy who fights patriarchy by liking fashion?? That’s bucking gender norms after all.

  28. Jezebella

    I don’t think “liking fashion” in any way fights patriarchy regardless of one’s gender. Bucking gender norms by adopting a ridiculous trait generally assigned to another gender isn’t really all that revolutionary. Besides, it’s mostly dudes who are working as fashion designers.

  29. Beth Younger

    Fashion is one of ways that patriarchy colonizes women. The Patriarchy requires women to wear dresses, makeup, long hair, shave, and look “nice” so we can be differentiated from men. Fashion is just a very fucked up way to pretend that there are standards such as “fashionable” and “unfashionable” so that the colonized will fight with each other instead of the oppressors. Women snarking at other women over fashsion=hideous, sad, depressing. Men snarking at women over fashion=hideous, pathetic, oppressive, and just plain fucked up. Fashion is fascistic.

  30. larkspur

    Also, fashion and cosmetics keep female-type people busy and off-balance, often literally, thus shoring up the patriarchy’s foremost mission: preserving itself and staving off the massive bloody (often literally) permanent and universe-altering rebellion of, well, us.

  31. Comrade PhysioProf

    BTW, “fuck this and fuck that” is a line from a Sex Pistols song.

  32. Betsy

    kinderkirchekucheklothes

    … and, help me out here, something that starts with “k” that can stand in for “diet chatter.”

    That is the other thing ladies are allowed to talk about.

  33. slythwolf

    “Kstarving ourselves”? The “k” is silent?

  34. Jezebella

    kalories?

  35. Twisty

    “But yes, Michelle Obama is black and grew up working class, yet she dresses well without the tutelage of fashion designers.”

    Actually, despite urban legend, Obama is not devoted exclusively to strip mall clothes. According to the linked article, she is under the tutelage of three designers. They just aren’t Chanel and Yves St Laurent and Oscar de la Renta.

  36. Twisty

    (If anyone is willing to pay me 3 million dollars per year upfront, I will move to Texas. [pause] Didn’t think so.)

    This suits me fine. If only more people would refuse to move to Texas.

  37. Twisty

    “BTW, “fuck this and fuck that” is a line from a Sex Pistols song.”

    Fucking brrrrrrats.

  38. em

    And fuck the horses they all rode in on. er… except that the horses are naked for blamer’s sake and therefore they have no cabal of fashion dictating humorless assholes trying to question their essential horsemanity because they are wearing the wrong things.

    Oh my god, I can’t believe I’m stuck around people who make this post necessary.

  39. Cortney

    Speaking of ‘silly’ things that happen in Texas, I wonder if you’ve come across this amusing tidbit:

    http://shakespearessister.blogspot.com/2009/04/take-those-things-away-from-them-now.html

  40. Azundris

    “kinderkirchekucheklothes”
    Interestingly, clothes are “Kleidung” (mass noun, used with singular verb form, “die Kleidung ist neu”) or, more colloquially, “Klamotten” (mass noun, used with plural forms, “die Klamotten sind alt”).
    Oh, and calories of course are “Kalorien.”

    Kinder, Kirche, Kueche, Kleidung, Kalorien.

    Looks like German’s always good for K-words. Guess the clueless clan would love it.
    Not all is lost though; cats, reportedly beloved by spinster aunts almost everywhere, are “Katzen.” Not only that, but the unmarked form, “Katze” – “cat”, is “female or unspecified”, similar to English (“Kater” – “tom”). Some people use “Kaetzin” to say “a (definitely) female cat, as opposed to one of female or unknown sex (‘Katze’),” but that doesn’t seem to be widely used and strikes many people as weird and stilted.
    Interestingly, that means that the article for all those K-words is “die”, either because the noun is a plural, or feminine (“die Küche, die Kirche”).
    No, I don’t know what’s up with my recent comments on German either, I’ll shut up now.

  41. Helen

    The Texas lege, for those who have the misfortune of not being Texan, is widely regarded as the most ape-shit hilarious lege in the land.

    The Iowa legislation, on the other hand, is looking pretty good.

    (In Australia, we use the abbreviation Leg – pronounced Ledge – to mean “legend”, as, “Mate, you’re a ledge. A dead-set ledge.”)

  42. Vyckie

    “BTW, “fuck this and fuck that” is a line from a Sex Pistols song.”

    I’m going to have to get that one for my iPod ~ now that I am No Longer Quivering, I’m really having a blast catching up on all the good music I’ve missed out on ;-)

  43. curiousgyrl

    As a native Texan, I always thought it was spelled “fah-yer aunts ” and i am certain them things can’t be oppressed.

  44. curiousgyrl

    you are just providing them with entertainment.

  45. sierranevada

    Dang, I do miss that Texas. I burn for home sometimes; the hills, Molly Ivans, lizards and rattlesnakes, that asinine assembly of douches legislating their moronic asses into permanent frat lordship. Well, that last thing not so much.

    I still get a chuckle remembering, just before I left for good, some wag at the Statesman observing of the Texas Lege, about whether it would ever end Texas’ status as the last bastion of the God given right to operate a two ton vehicle while throwing back refreshment: “The Texas Legislature will pass an open container Law as soon as they figure out how to get beer out of a closed container!”

  46. PhysioProf

    Fucking brrrrrrats.

    It cracks me the fuck up that dumb-fuck right-wing cockknockers put that song on their list of Top Conservative Rock And Roll Songs! HAHAHAHAH! Fucking idiots.

  47. VibratingLiz

    “The Texas Legislature will pass an open container Law as soon as they figure out how to get beer out of a closed container!”

    The Texas lege should learn from the Louisiana lege, proud sponsors of the Drive-Thru Daiquiri industry.

  48. Jezebella

    “Well, see this here piece of scotch tape over the straw hole in this plastic lid? Yeah, that makes it a *closed container*. Now, what you choose to do with that scotch tape after you drive away is *your business*, cher.”

    I believe I shall celebrate my Easter visit to NOLA with a giant drive-thru white russian daquiri.

  49. tinfoil hattie

    Who cares what Michelle Obama is wearing, and whether she looks “good” in it? The P, that’s who. I read countless internet “discussions” where people jump in with, “Yes, but she looks good in J. Crew!” which isn’t the fucking point. Same with the “she has good arms, she SHOULD show them off” whenever the Sleeveless Scandal raises its head.

    If she were fat & dumpy like me, she “shouldn’t” wear anything that would show any part of her non-patriarchy-approved body, right?

    ARRGGGH!

  50. AnnaArcturus

    When are we going to hear about the deep messages inherent in the identical suits all our Patriarchs wear?

  51. CoolAunt

    I suspect the reason that so much is being made of MO’s clothing has to do HRC and Palin having been so close to making to the WH. I think it’s a part of putting us back in our place. I believe it goes hand-in-hand with the misogyny that was so openly and blatantly used to keep both of those women out of the WH.

    HRC was the last First Lady whose appearance was constantly scrutinized and rated. She never measured up and the commentary was always negative and insulting. That wasn’t because she looked sloppy and unclean. No, it was because she wasn’t just the FL, she was also a powerful attorney and activist and therefore perceived as a threat to the P.

    Before HRC, Jackie Kennedy was the last FL whose appearance was so important to the MSM. I was born in 1964 and like most people, I’m not well educated in women’s history. But from little I know, it was in the early 60s that the second wavers started ramping up, so my guess is that JK was used by the P, via the MSM, to try to keep women focused on what the P has decided should be important to us instead of focused on women’s rights.

    My opinion, as if anyone gives a crap, is that anyone who travels abroad as a representative of the country should give some thought to their appearance and how they will be received/perceived by whomever they’re meeting with. They also should keep in mind that there will be photographs taken. To me, that means they should dress for business. That doesn’t mean designer clothes and we don’t need to send Joan Rivers to do her Oscar attendees rating shtick. It just means that Twisty would be expected to wash her breeches before her meeting with the queen’s fire ants.

    For what it’s worth, I didn’t have a problem with HRC’s hair bands. I used to wear them, too, and probably for the same reason that HRC wore them: to keep my hair out of my face because it’s hard to see what you’re working on when you’re trying to look through your hair to do it.

  52. Twisty

    CoolAunt, would you mind using more acronyms and initials? I can still sort of understand what you’re saying.

  53. CoolAunt

    Sorry about that. Maybe I need to go read the FAQ and commenting guidelines again.

  54. Jonathan

    “When are we going to hear about the deep messages inherent in the identical suits all our Patriarchs wear?”

    My SO gets in trouble with everyone at her office because she wears the P’s suits to work (instead of the current fashion mandates for young female office workers which, I kid you not, is skirts and fishnets).

    I’m not exactly sure what the message the identical suits portray, but the P is terrified of women claiming that look, even when the result is that the suit-wearing women look as boring and bland as everyone else around them.

  55. Twisty

    the deep messages inherent in the identical suits all our Patriarchs wear?

    Surely they represent conformity, homogeneity and solidarity with with Dude Nation. United front and all that.

  56. Comrade PhysioProf

    CoolAunt, would you mind using more acronyms and initials? I can still sort of understand what you’re saying.

    HAHAHAHAHAH! Twisty, you should read some of the shit we publish from my lab. Half the time *I* don’t even know what the fuck we’re talking about. Thankfully, my trainees do.

  57. VibratingLiz

    Acronyms are even more fun with dyslexic bifocals. For ages I thought Twisty didn’t want no MRSA in her car. Well eww, who the hell does? Break out the bleach!

  58. Orange

    Jezebella, I just got home from a week in N.O. tonight. Most irksome: Waiters, restaurant hosts, and cashiers of both genders were much inclined to address me and my long-haired little boy as “you ladies.” Southern gentility (or gender normativity, whichever is more to blame) can go fuck itself, y’all.

    Michelle Obama has an Ivy League degree or two and a legal background, and she tabled her career only recently. It’s too bad that (a) the media is obsessed with her clothes and upper arms, and (b) the right-wingers were so rabidly critical of Hillary Rodham Clinton’s active role in Bill’s administration that the Obamas ran in the opposite direction, proclaiming that Michelle Obama was gonna focus on being a mom and espousing good causes and certainly NOT take an active role in her husband’s administration. She worked for University of Chicago Hospitals for years–you don’t think she’d have something to contribute on universal health care?

  59. Orange

    P.S. Hey, Vibrating Liz: Who is this Mrs. A you allude to?

  60. VibratingLiz

    Hahaha. “Mrs. A” would of course be the dreaded superbug Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus. Not quite as bad as MRAS, but almost.

  61. Hattie

    Fire ants have shown up in the mulch at our green waste facility!!!
    Pray for us.

  62. Antoinette Niebieszczanski

    An advantage of still needing to wear my winter coat in almost-mid-April is the absence of fire ants. I can’t decide which is worse.

    And may fire ants infest Mr. DeLaRenta’s tanning booth.

  63. gerda

    i dont want a baby that looks like that

    ewww not a nice song people… catholic guilt in birmingham pub – never pretty. i used to drink in there, apparently a girl had a miscarriage in the loos and carried the product about for a bit showing it to people – like you would, i know the feeling. trust some gobby geezers to write a song about it.

    Kinder, Kirche, Kuche, Kleidung, Kalorien. love it. i’ll pass that on to my german sis in law. she could do with a bit of bucking up, cleans the kitchen floor every day ffs.

  64. gerda

    oh, and on the original topic, looks like our bess loved your michelle to bits. not often she gets to meet real people outside the horsey stuff. you should see her maj. in her horsey gear, she looks like the cleaning lady.

  65. zelda1

    I’m still resenting wearing that damn bra thing and wish I could get by with just letting the girls flop as they might. So, I must agree, fuck the fashion freaks, fuck the Mangy Monarchy, and fuck that shit too.

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