Somebody just sent me an email with this subject line:
“Newsflash: Dr. Helen (Instapundit’s spouse) is retarded.”
OK. Even though Liberal Dude role model Jon Stewart delights legions of adolescent boys when he uses it, spinster aunts consider the word ‘retarded’ — once a medical diagnosis used clinically to debase a class of people, and now an insult used pejoratively to ridicule that class of people and to annoy everyone else — to be more or less a slur.*
Instead of relying on bigoted schoolboy epithets to indicate our disdain for the dipshit antifeminist views of dipshit antifeminists, we advocate exercising the flaccid portions of our vast and glistening lobes to compose a more sophisticated and poetical zingerology.
Dr Helen is a stinky stain.
It is not often that we endorse the concept of reason according to just prejudice. However, research conducted at our Department of Sobriquet Studies has conclusively determined that one is in fact wholly justified, a priori, in dismissing as irrelevant, unenlightened, or asinine any opinion proceeding from the mouth, pen, or IP address of anyone calling him/herself “Dr First-name-only.”
Dr Helen, a “forensic psychologist” who plays a talk show host on amateur internet TV, has a funny video up at a funny right-wing website. The video commences with pompous TV news report intro music. That’s funny right off the bat.
Dr Helen’s topic is also a howler: “Gotcha Pregnancies & Men’s Rights.” You know this “gotcha pregnancy” phenomenon? It threatens the very atomic structure of the universe. Here’s how it works: devious women lie to their dudes about using birth control in order to get pregnant without dudely consent. Then they have the unmitigated gall to ask for child support. Men shouldn’t have to pay when the fruit of their loins is obtained fraudulently by deceitful bitches. It’s an affront to Truth & Beauty.
To help endorse the view that males are supreme beings, Dr Helen interviews someone named Amy Alkon, a woman whose professional expertise in the field of sneaky bitches tricking innocent dudes into knocking them up flows from her brilliant career as an AdviceGoddess (Alkon’s bio lists “evolutionary psychology” as one of her fave raves; need I say more?).
The interview is funny because it depicts two women of average intellect demonstrating their Patriarchy2K-compliance by vilifying other women, by crying through pinkulated lips “what about the men?!” and by invoking a phony “phenomenon” as phony evidence that male privilege is just and natural.
Wait. I guess that’s not so funny.
Behold a short transcription. It was all I was able to get before the Pajama TV player went on the fritz. Although I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t pretty relieved when the browser crashed, so painful to my lobes was watching even 37 seconds of these two tools.
Dr Helen: What do you think about women getting pregnant accidentally on purpose?
Amy Alkon: I think this is just horrible. I mean it’s just so amazing. If you’re a woman it’s totally your responsibility to take care of birth control.
Dr Helen: Don’t you think men should be responsible for birth control at all?
Amy Alkon: Well yes, but you know I think that’s sort of like asking a donut baker to be responsible for whether or not I gain weight.
Dr Helen, trying out the cable TV pundit shit-disturber gambit with an endearing feminine coyness, wonders if the vast hordes of unscrupulous whores who trick men into impregnating them should be held criminally negligent. The AdviceGoddess, though she would hesitate to chuck’em in the hoosegow, nevertheless thinks it is so amazing that these “bilkers” feel entitled to child support.**
Allow me to translate: As a woman you are a member of the sex class and don’t you forget it. Your purpose, as ordained by the Global Accords Governing Fair Use of Women, is as a receptacle for male incontinence. Sex class duties entail making life as comfortable and uncomplicated as possible for men. This extends to complying with their wishes at all times, especially when it comes to the contents of your personal uterus.
For extra credit, you might post videos on the internet declaring your full support for your own oppression.
According to syndicated misogynist Amy Alkon, who takes the rather eccentric view that submitting to the heteronormal peen-pronging imperative is like eating donuts, it is irrelevant that you are highly unlikely to become pregnant unless some dude — an autonomous member of the privileged class — has enjoyed using you for your natural purpose. Remember, the dude’s natural purpose — which always supersedes yours in terms of philosophic value — is to ejaculate and then biff off to a football game, not to concern himself in any way with the method by which he obtains, or the consequences of, his gratification. Unless he feels like it.
As a spinster aunt, I am one of the world’s leading experts on the causes of male angst, and I know how men can liberate themselves from the scourge of global female oppression. The method follows a rather intricate and convoluted logic, which may account for its failure to have caught on, but I’ll try, for the sake of beleaguered dudes the world over, to put it in layman’s terms: men wishing to thwart the evil schemes of even the most determined sperm-swindling pregnancy tricksters can simply decline to force-feed their donuts to any women. Et voilà!
Now that — like all imaginary absurdities — would be funny, like when the grizzled cowboy asks the grizzled drill sergeant if these Hello Kitty jeans make his butt look big. Dudes must prong. Bearing the consequences of male penetration behavior is strictly girly shit.
* Other words that may be similarly turned into insults: gay, feminist, and blogger. And gay feminist blogger. As in “Chad isn’t going to Gazonga’s Topless Sports Bar and Foie Gras Grill with us; he’s such a gay feminist blogger.”
** A commenter on Dr Helen’s blog describes child support as “a profitable incentive for deceit.” Churn’em out and rake it in, ladies! Everybody knows that men have a proven track record of stepping up and providing the mothers of their unwanted children with a life of luxury. Thanks to a steady child-based income, most of these lying sluts live on the French Riviera and have chauffeurs. That’s probably why the US Department of Health and Human Services doesn’t bother dedicating a whole department to child support enforcement.
Oh, wait. Yes they do.