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Apr 23 2009

Spinster aunt resorts to posting Onion link

Turkey vulture perceives that I have found the right lens and changed the dead battery, so naturally it biffs off before I can focus. Note dead duck toy in lower right.

Turkey vulture perceives that I have found the right lens and changed the dead battery, so naturally it biffs off before I can focus. Note dead duck toy in lower right.

This is all I got, goddamit. I might have had a hilarious picture of the giant turkey vulture that just landed in the dog run and tried to scavenge offa Bert’s stuffed toy dead duck, but you know how when giant turkey vultures land in your yard to peck at dog toys you never have the right lens on the camera, or if you do, the battery’s dead, and by the time you pull it all together the giant turkey vulture has buzzard off?

Yeah, well join the fuckin club.

22 comments

  1. humanbein

    Re-impregnancy pills! Slip it in her oatmeal for those times when you just really really really want to make sure that bitch has a baby whether she wants it or not.

    I’ve been successfully eliminating choice and abortion out of any reference I make to the idea that the law should be changed to force women to have babies against their will. The quickest way I have of referencing this strange intrusion into the affairs of those with uteruses is “compulsory pregnancy”, but forcing women into having babies against their wills really says exactly what I mean to say.

  2. Orange

    That poor turkey vulture. Can you imagine the humiliation he or she feels every time a juicy-looking cadaver turns out to be a non-organic item? Probably needs an eye exam and some corrective lenses.

  3. wolfhound

    There’s a whole flock of turkey vultures near here who spend their days perched on a big antenna on the roof of the sheriff’s office. I keep wondering what they’re waiting for.

  4. pheeno

    You must be in east Texas. I can tell by the fact there are trees.

    I live in West Texas (aka Hell or Surface of the Fucking Sun) and we have no trees. There’s even a town named Notrees. It’s famous for the fact that a pilot in a small cesna hit a telephone pole and died.

    Fortunately, next week I will be heading towards the glorious tree filled East Texas to go tubing down the Guadalupe. I will remain alert for these camera shy turkey buzzards.

  5. VinaigretteGirl

    A pill that prods? Because that’s the only spin I can put on “re-impregnates”. Bloody hell: nano-springs? Freeze-dried rehydrating sperm?

    Desperate menz worrying that their one squidly swimmer might not have made it upstream? WTF?

  6. yttik

    “This is all I got”

    Ah, but the Onion is the closest thing we have to journalism left on the planet. Sometimes those people can nail down the truth so well, it’s downright spooky.

  7. Kauri

    We have a similar thing in the UK called The Daily Mash. Probably not that funny for Americans because it’s mainly based on UK news, but as an example, here’s their story about a very, very brainy woman who was on the winning Oxford University team on the brainy TV quiz show for university students, University Challenge. I keep saying brainy because it’s not, you know, a quiz show with dumb questions. I feel pleased if I answer one correctly, or at all, during the half-hour show. Anyway, this woman caused quite a frisson in the popular culture, what with knowing lots of stuff and not being embarrassed about it. So, as a good example from The Daily Mash, pertinent to this blog: here you go.

  8. NeoCleo

    Here’s a headline ripped off from “Quizlaw” that left me momentarily stunned from juxtaposing universes:

    What say you–Twisty? Is this BS or what?

    “Turkey Basters and Alcohol Don’t Mix”

    One recent Tuesday afternoon, Jennifer Lighten was chilling in her apartment when her wife, Stephanie Lighten, came home (they live in Massachusetts, one of those places going to hell for letting the gays marry). Stephanie was apparently three sheets to the wind and threw Jennifer on the couch. She then tried to rip off Jennifer’s clothes — not to have sex with her, but to impregnate her with a turkey baster-type syringe full of Stephanie’s brother’s man juice.

    Jennifer wrangled herself out and locked herself in the bathroom and, get this, Stephanie busted the door down. Because, when you wants to impregnate your wife, no god damned door is going to get in the way!

    When Stephanie went to retrieve an ice pack from the freezer [for her wrist, which she hurt busting down the door], Jennifer bolted from the apartment and attempted to get away in the couple’s sport utility vehicle, police said.
    As Jennifer pulled away from the scene, Stephanie “jumped on the side of their vehicle, swung the door open and made (Jennifer) stop,” Steinman said.

    According to Officer John Bassi, a witness at the scene claimed Stephanie “was hanging on the SUV door handle, trying to get into the car.” Amber Hunt told Bassi that Stephanie nearly caused an accident when the vehicle narrowly missed hitting a tree in the front yard of Hunt’s Spring Street home.

    Stephanie was arrested and the semen was taken into custody for questioning.

    (Hat tip to Elizabeth, who also came up with this entry’s headline)

  9. ivyleaves

    Kauri – That was terrific. My favorite part: And then there’s all that raw, seething lust. Extremely distracting when one is trying to read Dan Brown in the original Greek. Hee!

  10. larkspur

    Turkey vultures are awesome. There’s a rocky outcropping near a trail I hike, and I call it the TV Station, because the turkey vultures like to hang out there and then catch some thermals and soar over the canyon. While waiting for dead stuff to clean up, of course. They are huge. When they flap their wings close to you, it reminds you that they descended from dinosaurs. Like maybe as long as 6,000 years ago!

    Now, wild turkeys who are not also vultures are lots of fun too. I was out hiking one time in early autumn, when everything’s real dry and quiet, and I guess I startled a gang of turkeys, because all of a sudden they wanted to be elsewhere and noisy hijinks ensued. I was very very startled. They are big. They are evolving. And they have a plan.

    Now, having checked out The Onion link, I shall mosey over to The Daily Mash.

  11. Twisty

    “You must be in east Texas. I can tell by the fact there are trees.”

    Those of us who are definitely not West Texans are scrupulous about our geopolitics. I am not in East Texas. East Texas is practically Louisiana and a whole nother thing. I am in the Hill Country. That’s central Texas, where there are trees but no pine trees, and also few Cajuns, but unfortunately some celebrities.

  12. VibratingLiz

    To further confuse matters, West Texas is in Central Texas just north of Waco.

  13. zelda1

    Turkey Buzzards remind me of the patriarchy, even fake things get a good look over.

  14. rootlesscosmo

    @larkspur: You’re in Northern California, right? You can find lots of wild turkeys, apparently so unfamiliar with cars they wander around in the road as one approaches, in San Antonio Canyon (South from Livermore on Mines Road which eventually becomes State Highway 238 and climbs Mount Hamilton to the observatory.) Fantastic, almost unpopulated stretch of countryside, just 15 or 20 miles as the turkey vulture flies from freeways and malls and subdivisions.

  15. Antoinette Niebieszczanski

    I remember a flock of turkey buzzards whooping it up on the roof of a pavilion where we were picnicking in rural Central Florida. My sister was making fun of my other sister’s pair of high-heeled metallic gold mules.

    There was a spring nearby, in which deliciously cold water welled up from the depths. Also a boardwalk through a state reserve full of frighteningly vital, gorgeous native vegetation. We convinced my niece’s boyfriend that there were monkeys in the trees who’d escaped from a traveling circus. He said he didn’t believe us, but if you look at the video he made of the day, a suspicious number of tree-top shots are visible.

    My family is full of crazy people, but we’ve had some damn fine times together.

  16. givesgoodemail

    pheno: “Fortunately, next week I will be heading towards the glorious tree filled East Texas to go tubing down the Guadalupe.”

    Schlitterbahn! Schlitterbahn!

    (There are a few things I miss about Texas.)

  17. pheeno

    “That’s central Texas, where there are trees but no pine trees, and also few Cajuns, but unfortunately some celebrities.”

    Heh. You’re still east of here so we will indulge in generalizing because West Texas is the Center of All Things.
    We feel no shame in that because y’all still have trees. And water. And we got stuck with Tommy Lee Jones and Dubya. But we will still claim you because, after all, you are NOT Louisiana.

    My Canadian Rockies significant other just snorted himself to death over the term ” Hill Country”. He’s also melting because 94 degrees is hotter than anything he’s ever encountered. We may have turkey buzzards circling come August.

  18. slythwolf

    When I was a kid, my parents were friends with the people who ran the local chapter of Wildlife Rescue. We used to go out to their farm and see all the various animals they were fixing up to be re-released into the wild, and at one point one of those animals was a turkey vulture, which had been injured in some way but was on the road to recovery.

    One afternoon, one of their kids was eating a sandwich of some kind, and the turkey vulture was approaching him with intent to snack. “Mom!” he cried. “The turkey vulture wants my sandwich! What do I do?”

    The reply was, of course, “GIVE IT TO HIM!”

  19. Ron Sullivan

    I am given to understand that turkey vultures hunt by smell, and that this was first tested by artfully concealed burial of a ripe goat. From this I infer that at least one of your dogs has extremely interesting doggie breath.

    Antionette sez My family is full of crazy people, but we’ve had some damn fine times together. And that’s our T-shirt of the day. Most of mine are in central Florida too, which might give one of us pause.

    Rootlesscosmo & Larkspur: Absolutely right about San Antonio Road—-Take I5 and return west via that and Mines Road for great birds and wildflowers—-but turkeys are all over the place here lately. The ones in that area might be from an earlier stock; we used to see them by the VA hospital in Livermore decades ago. But (here’s where it all ties up in an Ouroborian knot, or maybe just flies up its own asshole) most of the turkeys now swarming northern California are descendants of stock from Texas.

    I myself am very fond of turkey vultures.

  20. hero

    Ron Sullivan. Oh the folks I get warm fuzzies about by reading this blog. Ron Sullivan just compared generational asshole circularity to Ouroborus.

    Damn, people. Just so much rhetorical brilliance can I handle. I may need to take a break, or read crap for a while. Just to be able to survive in the “real” world (the P, of course).

  21. Remora

    Today, at our local Earth Day festival’s bird rescue group booth, I had the privilege of meeting a turkey vulture. With a bum wing from a fledgling encounter with a car, it lives the good life at a worker’s open home aviary (when they don’t trot it out for events). They’re very social birds, and she said that other turkey vultures fly in and visit. It sauntered around looking bored, did horaltic poses (wing stretches) and occasionally fluttered up to perch on her head.

    Because it hasn’t laid a single egg in all its eight years, they suspect it’s male — just a guess, though, as male and female turkey vultures are outwardly androgynous. But I figure it’s a spinster aunt.

  22. Hydrolyze

    Just wanted to say hello all. This is my first post.

    I expect to learn a ton here.

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