The Western painted is the state turtle of Colorado. This one was 7 or 8 inches long and every bit as heartwarming as it looks.
Some anonymous benefactor has apparently philanthropized millions to 14 colleges, all of which are run by women, with the proviso that the money be used for scholarships for women and minorities. The collegiate world is ablaze with speculation and incredulity. Who could have been so insane as to donate cash to fund women’s education? NPR reporter Claudio Sanchez wonders whether any colleges run by men would ever get any money.
No, Claudio. I’m afraid men are shit out of luck. It’s the Law of Conservation of Human Dignity, which states that, within a social order based on dominance and submission, the total amount of human dignity must remain constant. In other words, whenever women are treated with an iota of decency, a reciprocal diminishment of men’s humanity must obtain.
A consequence of this law is that whenever a girl gets to kick a soccer ball, somewhere a boy will be made to play with Barbies. Whenever a woman exercises sovereignty over the contents of her internal organs, somewhere a man will have to wear a frumpy 19th century calico dress and do the family laundry by hand. Whenever a woman publishes a paper on particle physics, somewhere a man will be waterboarded for a week before being shot by a firing squad of hairy humorless feminists. Etc. Ergo, the fact that a mysterious benefactor has given a few bucks to women’s education means that no colleges run by men will ever get any money ever again.