Human Bean and Citizen Jane said exactly what I wanted to say: Men must be compensated for doing the shit women do for free (and often without thanks).

From a personal perspective, I did ten years with a same-old-story- housework-is-beneath-me asshole (to the point where if I even asked him to close the kitchen cupboard after getting something out of it he’d respond with ‘I do the boilder-making’. Hands up who’s familiar with the ‘tradesman trail’? It’s the evidence lots of working class men leave behind them when they get home from work.. where is the man of the house? – boot, sock, boot, sock, crumbs, knife, butter still out of the fridge, cupboard doors open, plate on the lounge floor … and there he is ! playing xbox in front of the tv..) … sorry, got a little side tracked there. My point is, during this ten years my younger sister had (and still has) a guy who did half the house work like joytulips Nigel. Hearing and knowing about this phenomenon over time led to me thinking more and more – maybe my situation isn’t the natural order of things… and to the eventual ex-ing of my Nigel (though if i ever needed to find him I suspect my finely tuned senses could still identify his socks and breadcrumbs a mile away..).
More broadly, as a committed social constructivist, it is important to articulate and demonstrate that this behaviour is LEARNT by men, not embedded deep in their DNA. This is such as important point – I often have conversations with women who have suffered under the hands of abusive men who skip straight to biological justifications, which is depressing and defeating. It needs to be reiterated constantly that men CAN change, it just isn’t in thier INTERESTS to do so.(as the world is curently constructed under the patriarchy etc etc) Making that point with women (outside the enlightened ones on IBTP) is half the battle I think.

Also ftr, I don’t believe in unicorns, I hate “dissembling”, I’m not heterosexual, and I’m really not a snotty bitch floating on a privilege cloud. But apparently I do have to work on my commenting tone (and content) so I don’t come off as any of those things. I’m trying real hard to be a good feminist, honest I am.

This is how I win money arguments with my Nigel. Whenever we come to a stalemate that’s a matter of principle (such as whether we need to replace the stove just because it is leaking natural gas all over & threatening to kill us), a part of the discussion is “well, if we can’t work this out I’ll just have to leave so I get to control half the cash” (we’re not even married, but I *do* own half the house).

His answer, gratifyingly, has been “No! Stay!” But it makes him a little more aware of the imbalance of power he claims does not exist.

p.s. along with asking for praise for housework, ignoring anything that’s not your job can also be very helpful – the second or third time the diaperless baby pees on the kitchen floor, Daddy starts thinking “hey, diaperless baby! I should put a diaper on that!” Men are not stupid – any technique they use for getting out of housework is probably effective.

i was neither trying to brag nor excuse men in general.
i was (and i am worried that it came off in a patronizing tone, i did not mean it to be so!) telling blamers what has worked for me wrt: dividing “menial chores”. it’s actually the same thing i did while i was married (and is a good chunk of what led to my divorce, because ex-husband did not follow this plan, refused to follow this plan, and was often mad because i would *not* do all the housework. i was working 70 hours a week at 2 jobs – for the first year we were married he was in the AF, then was kicked out, and did not work for 6 months. in those 6 months, i did *no* housework for him at all. if i wanted to eat, i did enough dishes to cook for me, and only cooked for me. i did *my* laundry, thats it. i cleaned up only after myself. we had the same fight every fucking week “this places is a pigsty!” and i’d stand there and listen, and when he took a breathe i’d say “i work, you don’t. you want it clean, you have time. or get a job making more than i do.”)

it *can* work, because it has worked for me and other women i know who have implemented it. i don’t know that it will work for everyone.
the other thing i did (with former roommates, not a boyfriend/husband/Nigel, so i don’t know how well it will work *there*) is sit down, list all the household chores and assign them costs. like, 1 load of dishes was $4, vacuuming the livingroom was $7, and the total cost for keeping a clean house was added to the rent. the last time, the rent on the apt was $600 and the chores came out to about $450. we each had to do $150 worth of chores, or pay the amount we didn’t do (so if i only did $100 worth, then i paid an extra $50 in rent, and each of the roomates paid $25 less in rent for that month).

but… i will add the note – i have never needed to do this with *female* roommates. but, once male roommates see a cost to chores, they start to view them as “real work”, at least most of the times i have tried it.

a friend of my boyfriend’s came over while boyfriend was doing the dishes. friend walks into kitchen and is apparently stunned at the sight of BF doing dishes. it went something like this.
Friend: what the hell are you doing?
BF: are you stupid? i’m doing the dishes
F: yes, but why are you doing the dishes?
BF: they need to be washed.
F: why doesn’t your girlfriend do the dishes?
BF: because i would rather her pay half the bills than do all the housework.

which is actually true. when we moved in together, i spoke very bluntly and said for ever 5% over half of the household chores that i had to do, i was pay $100 less of the bills. we live in the cheapest part of town. if it ever got to where i was doing 80% of the housework, i wasn’t paying any bills.

but i will be honest. i physically can’t do many things, and so the housework is sitting about 60% him – and i pay extra. which we both deem totally fair. (i don’t pay $200 extra. because some of the things that add into that 60% are things i wouldn’t do no matter what, and there are things that don’t get done that i *would* do if i could. and because he doesn’t mind doing what he does and would have to do it if i weren’t here, so… sometimes i think i should pay $200 extra, and he always talks me out of it. i console myself with the fact that i buy most of the groceries and that pretty much makes up for it)

aside from my anedote that is not data and is untypical (but i invite anyone to try it. it might work! and i hope it does!) i really have to say:
Twisty, you are awesome. and i adore this response.