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Aug 15 2009

Immolation

Who doesn’t love the Greeks? First, they invent peach melba. Then Maria Callas. Then they donate a husband and provider to tragic grieving widow Jackie Kennedy. Pretty good, right? But wait, there’s more! No sooner do they set up that hilarious light show at the Parthenon than they produce this excellent mystery woman.

The unnamed human set fire to some dickface’s peen at a nightclub, when he got shitfaced, dropped trou, and persistently waggled his junk at her. A pathetic attempt to express male entitlement in Dude Nation goes south.

Because drunken Brits have surpassed all other drunks in the World Olympics of Vulgarity, it’s always comical when one of them goes up in flames, but when he’s openly waggling the wurst in such a manner as to allow for a woman douse it with Sabucco and then flick her Bic at it, and that woman goes on to become a national hero, that’s gold, baby, gold.

For this woman’s act alone I forgive the Greeks for making all that tedious pottery of the Geometric Period.

[Thanks, Stella]

39 comments

  1. buttercup

    I love you so much, Jill. Tedious Pottery of the Geometric Period could be a viable museum room title.

  2. yttik

    I feel bad she had to waste a really good drink. I think he should be forced to reimburse her.

  3. ElizaN

    This article even seems to report on the event in a fairly unbiased manner! The first thing I read described the dickwad as “amorous.” Gak.

  4. ElleDee

    I was just hassled by a large group of drunken British cads in Amsterdam (dressed as cowboys and Native Americans for no discernible reason, no less!) and I wish I had the quick thinking as that woman.

  5. Laughingrat

    Maybe after 4000+ years of rigidly-codified and enforced patriarchy, the Greek ladies have just had it up to here.

    A local radio station put this on their “news of the weird” segment and of course were sympathetic to the dude. Of course.

  6. pheenobarbidoll

    I think I just broke a rib laughing.

  7. Feminist Avatar

    The beebs interp is slightly less… enthusiastic, shall we say.

    ‘Crete tourist ‘attacker’ in court’

    http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/8190710.stm

  8. bleh

    While I do not encourage the use of violence, it seems that this woman was merely defending herself. I hate to say it is the only way they will learn, but I fear it may be.

    What do others think about violence as useful self-defense? Does it merely beget more violence? Or is it the only thing that works in a patriarchal system? It hurts me to think about it.

  9. Comrade PhysioProf

    Did she put an espresso bean on the peen before dousing it in Sambuca?

  10. Squiggy

    Bumper stickers around the globe will soon declare, “We are all _____!
    (insert excellent mystery woman’s name here)” One small step for woman, a giant leap for womankind. Today is a holy day.

  11. notalady

    This is the kind of story I live for.

  12. Stella

    This truly made my day.

    Also, though I disagree with him about his belief that salmon talk him into eating them, Derrick Jensen has some interesting and useful ideas about the use of violence as s form of defense (both individually and against a larger death culture), especially as he wrestles through them in his Endgame books. I think you can destroy the master’s house with the master’s tools quite satisfyingly. I’ll use any tools I can get my hands on.

    Finally, I think it should be pointed out, in feminist “coverage” of this incident, that this was not an example of feminists lacking a sense of humor. From the reports I read, it sounds like the women in the bar found it hilarious.

  13. Agasaya

    Bleh,

    A case by case look at violent responses ought to be sufficient philosophy unto this day. When being assaulted, anything is ‘fair’ in response, particularly given gender disparities in size/strength and the failure of others to intervene as witnesses in so many cases.

    In this case however, it seriously pains me to have to say that flicking the bic lighter was over the line. The risk to multiple lives from fire in this public place was rather high. Still, a sexual assault in progress doesn’t have to allow for such reasoning skills so she will hopefully be off the hook soon. There’s one defense fund that will receive donations from every continent!

    Perhaps we ought to all go armed with hot pepper sauce. Nearly equivalent results without risk to others.

  14. Notorious Ph.D.

    Oh, I wish I were as quick-thinking as this woman. In spite of my feminist consciousness, I tend to get mental vapor-lock in response to sudden harassment — my brain just can’t process what is happening. And by the time I’ve figured it out, it’s too late for a response.

    Perhaps women should have self-defense training in which men do utterly random offensive things, so we can hone our response time.

  15. Squiggy

    Notorious Ph.D. I think you have a great idea with the role-playing sessions. It sort of reminds me of the late 60′s early 70′s consciousness raising groups. Practicing behaviors like that would be fun and pretty therapeutic. I’m on board.

  16. thebewilderness

    Does anyone besides me remember the sexual innuendo commercial with the line “flick my Bic”?

  17. Unree

    Maria Fanoudaki admits pouring a drink on the assailant but denies setting a fire. Her lawyer says Charred Dude might have set the fire himself by lighting a cigarette while weeny-wagging. Me, I’m down with Excellent Woman, bic flick or no.

  18. JetGirl

    Actually, if this jerk set himself on fire, even better! That’s karma for you, bro! I am disgusted this twerp’s daddy refuses to let his son take responsibility for his actions. No wonder junior is being such a yob to women in bars.
    As for Ms. Fanoudaki, I hope she beats this rap. No weenie roast is worth spending five years in prison.

  19. Felicity

    Haha love it. As much as I don’t hate men, I hate what most of them represent, and hate guys like this.. and so every time a woman gives a man his answer like this the hugest smile glides across my face.

  20. Chai Latte

    Can we practice an international holiday in her honor?

  21. Other Liz

    Greeks didn’t invent Peach Melba! Unless it was a greek chef in Melbourne, which is plausible. It was named for the singer Nellie Melba.

  22. larkspur

    Brava. It’s got to get to where even a drunken young man, all boisterous and vulgar, reaches for his zipper, and then, through the alcoholic fog, says to himself, “Oh, wait, what if someone lights me on fire?” We have no credibility without levying some consequences.

    So yeah, it’s good to daydream this stuff in advance. Pepper spray is good. Paint is good, a wee can of International Orange or something. Hell, if you happen to be a hair spray user, some super extra hold spray would be funny. He’s going to panic at first, thinking it might be aerosol ebola virus (you could put a fake label on it – thank you Cordelia). Then it’s just funny, especially if his pubic hair sticks together uncomfortably.

    Or a bucket of ice cubes, or somebody behind him pulling down his pants all the way, because then he might fall down and you can more easily pour nail polish or salsa or whatever – I personally think saturating him with Jungle Gardenia would give him something to think about for a few days. He might also be despised and mocked by his roommates, because that shit is fearsome.

    But one must always remember that any such action might trigger an aggressive response from the rest of the pack, so make sure your footwear allows for a good getaway.

    Crucial to the endeavor is that any action be accompanied by as many women as possible pointing and laughing and saying, “OMG, that looks just like a penis, only smaller!”

    (And no no no setting crowded nightclubs on fire. Gotta be one of them surgical strikes, only more precise than usual. No one wants to accidentally spray-paint an Afghan wedding party. Oh dear god I am so very noir. A thousand pardons.)

    Meanwhile, did we get Melba toast via Nellie as well?

  23. admirerofemily

    But what I don’t get is how she ‘flicked a bic’.

    Down here Down Under, getting a lighter going firstly needs a strong thumb and then you have to actually hold it in place to obtain flame transfer.

    I’m not sure how she could have just tossed a bic at him and hope he caught fire. The logistics of it seem problematical.

    Maybe in Greece the lighters are easier to light.

  24. katrina

    I love everything about this post, but I am confused by that reference to peach Melba. What could it have to do with Greece, or Greeks, or flaming male genitals?

  25. Jill

    RE peach Melba:

    When I was in Greece many moons ago, I observed that you couldn’t swing a dead cat without smacking some Melba-monger in the snot-locker. Having never seen the stuff before in my life, my youthful assumption was that it was a peculiarly Greek phenomenon. However, more recent research, prompted by doubters amongst the blametariat, reveals that peach Melba was in fact invented by Escoffier in 1893 while he was the Head Cheese at the London Savoy. That it was named for Dame Nellie Melba, however, appears to be true.

    Dame Nellie Melba (1861-1931) was a celebrated Australian opera singer, widely hated by her peers for inventing the now-de rigeuer diva persona. Auguste Escoffier (1846-1935) was a French chef. He invented the now-de rigeuer à la carte menu.

    Coincidentally, until fairly recently I had a golden retriever named Melba, who was always called Mellie, named for the dessert.

  26. larkspur

    Admirerofemily, note what thebewilderness mentioned a few comments up. I have no idea what Bic is up to lately, but in the 1970s and 1980s, Bic sales dominated the North American market, in no small part because of their oh-so-hip marketing campaigns, including the one with the guy smirking and saying “When I wanna call my chick, all I do is flick my Bic!”

    ‘Course, in the late 1980s evidence started coming in about just how often Bics flicked unexpectedly, burning some people to death and maiming many more. Bic fought it all the way, falsely claiming that most of the incidents were due to stupid people lighting their lighters while, say, filling up their cars at the gas station, not to mentioned the inherent danger of operating a flame-producing device (even though other disposable lighter manufacturers had already managed to install crucial safety features).

    But the lawsuits persisted, and Bic was forced to disclose information about just how many burning incidents had occurred, and cases went to trial, and a number of hugely unfortunate people received big settlements.

    So flicking one’s Bic is partly a sardonic (often) reference to that old nasty ad campaign, accompanied by a hint of the mayhem behind the cheap colorful devices. I think it’s part of the lexicon now, but note that you rarely hear the phrase in any sort of happy context. “Oh, he just flicks my Bic!” “Ooh, look at the fireworks! It’s God Hisself is flicking his Bic in heaven!”

    There may be errors in my analysis. Whatever. Just keep your distance and nobody gets International Oranged.

  27. Sev

    Talk about a hot time in the old town tonight. I guess he just couldn’t (wouldn’t) control his burning lust. That woman was a real fire cracker. Unfortunately for the dude, she gave him a searing rebuke and his chances totally went up in smoke.

    I… uh… I’ll stop.

  28. no fun

    I’m torn on this one.

    On one hand, the jackass + assorted witnesses have (hopefully) learned a valuable lesson that sexual assault can have immediate and negative consequences.

    On the other hand, I once suffered a severe burn. I cannot imagine anything worse. The pain is indescribable and terrible. There’s got to be some way to teach people a lesson without setting them on fire.

  29. William

    Gasp! I love Geometric period pottery!

  30. Antoinette Niebieszczanski

    My sister’s first husband once sustained nasty burns to his scrotum whilst drunkenly trying to light a fart. So I’m more likely to believe the lady’s story that she tossed a drink at the offending weenie and the fella behind said weenie actually applied the fire. Because drunkenness confers fearlessness as well as stupidity.

  31. JenniferRuth

    As a proper Brit, I am drunk right now! My next shot glass will be raised in salute to mystery peen-burning woman!

  32. larkspur

    Antoinette, I agree. Supporting evidence? A big portion of the rattlesnake bites sustained by people in the U.S. are sustained by drunken male-type people. Who pick them up. Who get drunk with their buddies and then fearlessly pick up rattlesnakes. Gah.

  33. Hedgepig

    I do wonder if she’d be a national hero if she’d done it to a Greek guy. I fear the positive response is more to do with drunk-British-tourist hatred rather than sexual-assaulter hatred.

  34. Shelby

    Perhaps his dick spontaneously combusted

  35. Pantsuit Sally

    Someone really should start a public awareness campaign to warn dudes that when they go around flaunting their stuff like that, they’re just asking for it. Also, they should be educated that if they’ve ever used a lighter, even once, they can’t expect women to understand that it doesn’t mean they want their wieners set on fire at the bar. Especially if they’ve been drinking.

  36. Jill

    “I do wonder if she’d be a national hero if she’d done it to a Greek guy. I fear the positive response is more to do with drunk-British-tourist hatred rather than sexual-assaulter hatred.”

    Maybe so. But (a) it’s well deserved and (b) I’ll take it where I can get it.

  37. larkspur

    Pantsuit Sally, your idea is an Onion PSA waiting to happen. Very good.

  38. JATower

    Opa!

  39. Pantsuit Sally

    JATower, I nominate your comment for Best in Show. You’ve encapsulated everything in a three-letter word.

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