It’s for the same reason the flasher exposes himself and the frotteur rubs up against people on the subway.

It’s all about the thrill they get from forcing themselves on others.

IBTP.

It’s not the whips and chains that piss me off. It’s the lies these people tell about ‘em.

Seems you don’t understand what BDSM is an obvious medium for. Enlighten us how men get a kick as well, from playing degraded women for a bit.

“My doll is as dainty as a sparrow
Her figure is something to applaud
Where she’s narrow,
She’s as narrow as an arrow
And she’s broad
Where a broad
Should be buh-roooooad….”

You’re so very welcome.

Here is an actual stat to chew upon: author Nancy Friday wrote a book in 1973 called, “My Secret Garden,” which chronicled (mostly straight, mainstream, white North American) women’s sexual fantasies. At the time, people were shocked to find out that despite the gearing up of the Women’s Lib movement, plenty of women fantasized about being raped. When Friday did later research and wrote another book in 1991 called, “Women On Top,” she noted in her introduction that a change had taken place in the fantasy lives of mainstream women: there were now far more women who were turned on by the idea of rap-ING, or being dominant, rather than being helpless. Personally, I can’t provide proof that the external influence of society at large had anything to do with that, but I’m going to get all crazy and point out that despite all the yapping that goes on about individualism, individuals don’t form their ideas in a vacuum.

The pendulum of public opinion and knowledge has swung yet another way in recent years, and it’s a widespread belief that – now that feminism has succeeded and full equality is the norm! – having the “choice” to explore and play with sexual power allows both women and men, in hetero, homo, bi or any other form of relationship, to push boundaries and find their inner sexual selves. So if that’s the case, someone (maybe Bluey!) can explain to me why men DON’T make up 90 + % of sex workers, AREN’T the majority of rape victims (survivors, if you like), and why it is that women AREN’T the ones en masse consuming violent porn and paying for the privilege of doing things with or to sex workers that they can’t, for the most part, do in a society where there are rights and laws and courts and jails. The playing field is level, right? BDSM is not a microcosm. It’s just a bit of naughty fun, nothing more.

I think it’s hilarious that you assumed that I think men always want sex and women don’t. I never said that. I suppose, perhaps, that you define sex differently than I do, because you’re far more enlightened and progressive. I’m such a silly, undereducated, wingnut who has never read a book on feminist theory or crunched statistics going back 300 years, that I’m just blowing hot air about subtexts in current sex practises. Wait, I know: if I just quit being so sour and got someone to whip me, I’m CERTAIN I would forget everything I know and become a dominatrix. Not just ANY dominatrix, either: I’d work for free, because sex workers do it because they love it, not for money. Money – pah! That has nothing at all to do with why anyone does anything.

Maybe my own stance on BDSM comes down to this: I’d consider it a lot less ridiculous, or even negative – especially when it’s defended in the language of academic windbaggery that gets tossed around by pretty much everyone these days – if the reality of the world outside the Chamber of Sexay Punishment didn’t look so damn much the same, i.e., a big circus pandering to male desires. The only difference is that when BDSM happens OUTSIDE a “loving, consensual” relationship, or if there is money involved, it’s just plain patriarchy. Also known as rape. Also known as the male sense of entitlement to women’s bodies, or the male sense of entitlement to harm, belittle, harass, hurt and humiliate women or anyone weaker than them.

Several Blamers already made other points that I agree with, one of which is that you can’t wrap your head around the idea of “consensual” until you understand that a man (or someone playing the dominant role) is choosing NOT to exercise his power and control over the situation. And before anyone starts extolling the virtues of the LGBTT BDSM-ers, I probably don’t have to remind anyone that same-sex relationships are not free from the influence of the male-centric power dynamic.

If it were a fact that, when some guy came along to rape a woman and she said “No!” he said, “Oh, okay, well, maybe I’ll go watch some Seinfeld instead,” then BDSM wouldn’t even be “exploring” anything. There would be nothing to explore: consent would actually MEAN something in male-female, and in human, dynamics. Or, to take it further, if men never, ever humilated or raped at ALL, if the thought never ONCE crossed their minds (try to imagine THAT world – ha!) then maybe we could say that BDSM is just a lovely exploration of pain and sexual freedom. But that ain’t the case.

“So if you think a large percentage of men want to force women to sleep with them, think again.”

The question is not whether a large percentage of men want to force women to sleep with them; it’s more along the lines of, plenty of men think about getting what they want sexually from women, children, other men, and animals, but because society has taught them that they CAN’T just go ahead and do whatever they like or they’ll get arrested, jailed, or have the shit beaten out of them by a larger person, they circumvent this by adhering to social norms such as dating or being monogamous or getting married or cohabiting and waiting for consent to be given. If you look at what goes on in cultures where women’s rights are NOT upheld (at least in writing), you see different statistics, different circumstances.

Men also use money, status and power as a way around the idea of consent: by purchasing the services of prostitutes or strippers or doms or subs or whatnot, by making and consuming pornography, or by travelling to countries where they are richer and more powerful and taking sexual advantage of the women and children there, or waiting until they’re in a situation – such as often happens in war – and doing what they want when they know they likely won’t be accountable. Despite all this, as you may have noticed, men are still out there raping and harassing and molesting, while pornographers have long known about a huge market that will pay cold cash to watch sweet, harmless little films about men force-fucking crying, protesting underage women in the ass while giving them swirlies in the toilet, or some other version of this. This goes on all day every day, so the idea that women have consent is pretty flimsy to begin with.

That being said, maybe someone can clarify for me once again just how progressive it is to get tied up and hurt by a guy whose privilege is underscored in every way by the dominant culture. Everyone can do whatever they like in private, but to tell me that sexual fantasy exists outside of real-world politics, or that it does NOT affect how people interact with each other outside the bedroom, is rather delusional.

And perhaps I am too much “radical” (not enough “feminist”?) to think of oppression solely within the confines of the patriarchy, but I’ve had my head smashed more times by the cops than by intimate partners. I don’t deny the scars of rape or abuse or assault (whether from boyfriends or pigs), but I am interested in moving away from the scars as binds, and learning to move away.

“Working through pain in life should lead to larger achievements than orgasm.” Yes, yes, of course! But who said BDSM was ever solely about orgasm? I want to cum, but moreso, I want to learn, I want to fight.