Oct 07 2009

Poetry Korner

If a blamer goes to the trouble of writing a blaming pome about a Dr Seuss character who hates hoes, I can go to the trouble of giving it its own page.

by PandanCat

I’ll have no hoes! No, no, noes!
Hoes with clothes? No, no, noes!
Hoes at shows? No, no, noes!
Hoes with piercings in the nose and hoes with eyes for all the bros?
No, no, noes!
Hoes who ask for a rose and hoes where fem’nist theory grows?
No! No! Noes!
I’ll say it now before I go:
This bro will never love a ho!


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  1. birkwearingblamer

    Thanks for the funny poem. I needed a laugh.

  2. Comrade PhysioProf

    Poetry is no damn good.

  3. Jezebella


  4. AsterMedallion

    I’m gonna get it tatooed on my arse. Better do it before my arse shrinks.

  5. Vinaigrette Girl

    Dr. Seuss was a good grammarian, like the Spinster Aunt, but in the circs giving in to temptation was the only possible response, wasn’t it?

  6. PandanCat

    Yay! My own page! And for something that I wrote in, like, ten minutes!

    The whole focus of my snooty higher education was literary translation, so I’m pleased by my initial foray into the world of Dudese. It was hard to tell the author’s intended tone, as 21st century dude texts from the internet almost seem to parody themselves from a modern blamer perspective. It’s hard to imagine that the original piece was meant to be taken seriously, though, considering the context in which it was written and its intended audience. I did take some liberties with the meter, but that was only to make it more readable in English.

    Unfortunately, I’m working without a solid reference on 21st century d00dbro poetics. (If anyone has one, please send it my way!) Interpreting via the author’s probable source material — commercial gangsta rap and half-forgotten children’s books — had to suffice.

    I considered giving it the playful title ‘Horton Hates a Who(re)’, but finally decided against it. The Seussian influence in the original was so subtle that the title wouldn’t be appropriate. I already courted infelicitousness with blatantly Seussian meter, so I didn’t want to make it a /total/ parody of authorial intention.

    Okay, actually, I did. Who am I kidding? Still, my philological forebears are spinning nicely in their graves, which is just as it should be.

    This is the best birthday present ever! :D

  7. io

    Ahahaha, love it! Happy Birthday, too, PandanCat!

    (Jill, typo: pome/poem. Can’t help noticing, sorry.)

  8. Kelly

    My teenage daughter loved it and it sent her spinning off into her own verses. Brava.

  9. humanbein

    The dudespeak is always totally and completely eye-rolling ironic, in order to provide a ready made defense against the offensiveness of said dude’s sloppy thinking, which is not really thinking so much as spurts of primitive hormonal juices riled up by vast amounts of assumed privilege thwarted. So like he totally didn’t really mean it, OK?

  10. Jezebella

    Pome is the Joycean rendition of poem, and so likely intentional.

  11. yttik

    Happy Birthday, PandanCat!

    This guy is not the sharpest hoe in the shed, is he? What’s especially galling is that our culture perceives even the sloppy thinking of a lowly specimen like him to be more intelligent and more valid then anything a woman would have to say.

    Someone pointed out that the blow hards on TV are divided into two distinct groups. The men who are college drop outs and often former alcoholics and the women who all have advanced degrees. They set up debates between these people and it’s so ingrained and presumed to be normal, you hardly notice it. “Our first guest will be a man who avoided military service by claiming to have an anal cyst, dropped out of college, spent seven years in an alcoholic haze, and later rose to become a popular radio commentator. Rebutting his opinion will be our token female commentator, Doctor So and So, who just spent the last quarter century padding her resume with more degrees.”

    No kidding, the first words out of the male blow hard’s mouth was “I relentfully challenge you to prove me wrong..”

  12. Felicity

    ‘hoes where fem’nist theory grows’ LOL

  13. B. Dagger Lee

    Excellent job, PandanCat! And I appreciate your critical commentary on the text.

  14. Jill

    I stand by “pome”. Sorry.

  15. Linda Atkins

    Yep, that’s a good poem all right, as judged by the fact that it made me chuckle two days in a row.

  16. PhysioProf

    Pometry is damn good!

  17. PandanCat

    The pome is actually a brand-new genre of poetry. Remember, you saw it here first!

    Oh, and thanks for the birthday wishes. Kazoos for all!

  18. little_sis

    that brightened my day :D
    much love!

  19. Anna Allen

    i love poetry because it is a way of expressing my own feelings.*’;

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