Fellow heartwarming nature crappists will recall that, although spinster aunts are closely related to mushrooms (in terms of a shared propensity to sprout on rotting logs), my mycological chops are not, perhaps, as finely honed as might be considered ideal. Thus I will refrain from positively identifying this appealing, orange, and minuscule (1 cm) mushroom as some gnarly species of Hygrophorus. I mean, let’s face it. It could be elf dung for all I know. Interested parties are invited to submit their theories.
Meanwhile, it has not escaped my notice that the company what manufactures K-Y has come out with a product called “arousal gel.” They make it out of “niacin” and “sensory enhancers.” It’s just for the straight ladies! According to the annoying commercial, using the stuff will cause you to have sex with a doofus dude, will make your orgasm resemble a fog horn, will mess up your hair, and will render you both mute and incapable of preventing the doofus dude from addressing an audience that has apparently gathered at the foot of your bed. The subject of his speech is your enormous satisfaction “down there.”
I Blame the Patriarchy is the world’s #1 science blog, so naturally I ran this K-Y commercial through the old Patri-O-Meter. Results:
— Heteronormativity? Check!
— Dudal interpretation of inarticulate woman’s sexual experience? Check!
— Association of woman-targeted product with romance novel clichés? Check!
— Odd psuedo-science website with pink orgasm juice exploding out of Erlenmeyer flask? Check!
“The use of K-Y® Brand personal lubricants is a personal preference, much like the use of champagne, chocolate, candles, soft music, and perfume.”
Well, count me out, K-Y; spinster aunts are strictly beer, weed, and prog-rock. And dude-free.
Also, since I Blame the Patriarchy is, as I mentioned, an Internetially-acclaimed science blog, I conducted a study on the efficacy of the product. I didn’t feel like coughing up $20 bucks for a bottle, so the study consisted of Googling “KY Intense” and reading a product review on some woman’s product review blog. She had this to say:
“Just because it made me numb, doesn’t mean it will you.”
The comments on her K-Y post contained this gem:
“i have a collection of junk products like this and have no idea what the heck to do with them now because NONE of them work. god, i hate sex…”