Nov 26 2009

Update from the spinster compound

At Thanksgiving I usually let some steam whistle through my kettle of disgust regarding the holiday’s shameless celebration of domination culture, but this year I’ll confine myself to remarking that this ubiquitous euphemism “Turkey Day,” though it makes the spinster skin crawl, is at least a step in the right direction towards secularizing these godbag holidays.

I know a couple of turkeys personally. They bear no resemblance to the poor mutant albino carcasses commonly referred to as “turkey” by urban consumers. Why does everybody act like the world will come to a fucking end if they don’t roast one of those things? Who actually even likes eating that shit? This senseless clinging to violent tradition. I ask you.

Meanwhile, Franny got spayed two days ago, and is pitiful. She has already chewed through 2 e-collars. Against all odds, she hasn’t blown out any sutures yet.

In other news, it will amuse the Blametariat to hear that my debit card got hacked by some asshole perv who used it to open not one, not two, but three Internet porn accounts. As anyone who has endured this indignity knows, the aftermath is bloody. For the next three days — not counting the superfatted “Turkey Day,” since nobody answers Internet porn phones when there is excessive gorging to be done — I will be on perma-hold with endless automated customer “service” systems in a maddening attempt to rectify this way-bogus turn of events. I spoke to one human porn site guy who told me I was “paranoid” in thinking some total stranger had nicked my card number. He was positive that if I double-checked the house I would certainly find some pornsick husbands or sons slavering away in the dark.

I’d like to tie that asshole perv’s nuts in a bow.


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  1. Pinko Punko

    “Surely miss, you must know that the most likely actuality is that a member of your household simply chose our product without your knowledge. Bert, perhaps? Not meaning to cast aspersions, ma’am, but might a Scolapendra be in possession of your debit card?”

    It is for these folks that some sort of telephone number-homing cruise missile might come in handy.

  2. niki

    Please let us know how you responded to said porn site manager’s odious suggestion.

    Also, is there a way to flood porn sites with spam (maybe ‘enlarge your member, tiny dicks!’) as payback for their omnipresence? I’d be all kinds of on a project like that.

  3. MCF

    I don’t mean to sound paranoid either, but I wonder if this was intentional? Hack the feminist and open porn accounts in her name? If they include BDSM shit, I’d bet yes. But I pray not.

  4. HairryLegs

    Poor Franny. But my, how she’s grown!

  5. Enid

    Never has dejecticality been so dejected. Or adorable. It is one of the curses of the human condition that I can witness such sorrow and react with both empathy and hilarity.

    Fucking humans.

  6. ElizaN

    There’s got to be some way to use his nuts as an e-collar. Might as well have poor Franny’s dejected chewing serve a higher social purpose.

  7. yttik

    It was intentional, that’s a given. The question is, was it in retaliation for blog writing or just the usual random act of idiocy?

    I once spent years attempting to clear my credit report because my Nigel had another wife, a child he owed support too, and a huge unpaid porn account. I’m well aware that this is sometimes a problem and that women are often the last to know. And I appreciate the kindness of strangers in India who wanted to help me get over my denial. However, not my Nigel. He’s simply too lazy. Leading a double life requires some effort. By the time I was finished explaining this to people from all across the globe, the poor guy was quite annoyed with me. “What do you mean I’m not smart enough to have used a credit card and a porn phone menu and racked up all those charges??” “What do you mean I’m too lazy to have fathered a second child??” Having only been motivated by a determination to prove my case, I wasn’t aware of how bad it had all sounded. Alas, I was forced to apologize.

    But I remember how annoying it was to be patted on the head and dismissed as if I were just unaware of what was going on in my own house, with my own finances.

  8. Bonnie

    I’m now uninclined toward Thanksgiving / Turkey Day as a holiday. This past year I learned that direct ancestors who were in the state of Georgia’s legislature were likely highly involved in crafting the laws that stole the Georgia Cherokee’s land thus forcing the people onto the Trail of Tears.

    My paternal ancestors: Slave owners – check. Treaty destroyers – check. Land thieves – check.

  9. Givesgoodemail

    Rule of Internet thumb: never use your debit card to pay for anything online. As Jill has undoubtedly found out, your liability isn’t any greater, but since such a card is tied directly to a bank account, it takes months to straighten things out.
    I actually enjoy roasted turkey, the fourth Thursday of November or otherwise.

  10. Hattie

    Sounds like deliberate mischief to me.
    Hope your poor pup is feeling better soon.

  11. Vetiver

    I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this mess. Sounds awful. (((Hugs))) I’ve never had someone hack my debit, but I can imagine it must feel pretty violating, especially if the person is using it to buy gross porn. Sounds humiliating. Strength and support to you.

  12. Laughingrat

    Bummer about the identity theft. Hey, though, isn’t it your bank’s job to be calling these jackasses? Seriously, I’m pretty sure that’s something your bank is supposed to deal with when someone steals your account info. You’ve already had money and privacy stolen from you; you don’t need your time stolen by condescending pornmongers to boot.

  13. Erzebeth

    That’s horrible, Jill – best of luck in dealing with those dirtbags.

    And get well soon, Franny!

  14. nails

    I said shit like that when I did tech support for a satellite tv company. People with teenage sons would be in total denial when someone would buy a porn PPV. Not really the same with credit cards at all, obviously. People cry when their tv’s break, angrily ask what they are to do without television for a few days. What I miss the most is being able to make a face or press mute and cuss when people would depress me so. I did tech support for cell phones back in the day too, I spend like an hour and a half trying to make an elderly woman’s hello message say “angel becky” or some shit, could not explain that hitting a button QUICKLY twice makes a different letter than once. Motorolla clearly hates the slow reflexes of the elderly, with some insanely long code that needs to be put in at lightening speed in order to fix anything on it.

    Call centers have insanely high turnover rates. They try to cut down on training because the people will leave soon anyway (if they are sane), and the standards that are supposed to be met make no sense at all. God, I remember quality assurance forms that ranked solving the fucking problem lower in importance than apologizing. So yeah. This will indeed be phone hell. However, the workers not caring a lot means that complaining enough and calling enough will usually get you whatever you want. Threaten to cancel the services, and they will toss all kinds of goodness your way. People in “loyalty” departments keep their jobs based on meeting a quota of customer retention, so they tend to have more to offer to customers.

    Call back to make sure whatever the last person said they did was actually done. If they do a good job ask to speak to their supervisor to compliment them, thats the only real way for them to get recognition most of the time.

    You should all be thankful that Jill being stolen from became a platform for me to bitch about something that I haven’t had to do in years.

  15. Shelly

    The same thing happened to me about a year ago, porn and all. Pissed me right the hell off! My bank, which are good-for-nothing rat fuckers otherwise, *did* sort everything out for me. I didn’t have to deal with the merchants.

    It was actually Amazon that alerted me to the theft. The dumbasses tried to open an account with them, but since I already had an account with the same card, Amazon shut down both accounts and contacted me. I took all the information I had to the bank, filled out an identity theft report, and they handled it.

    I hope your bank is as reasonable.

  16. speedbudget

    “If what you say is true, that my husband and/or son really did steal my card in order to do this, not only do I want this shit shut down, but I want you to put me through to your law department. Put me on the line with your biggest bulldog as soon as you shut the account down. Thank you.”

    The implication that you’re just supposed to take that shit and like it pisses me off.

  17. Gayle

    Your bank should be making calls to merchants. All you need to do is report yourself a victim of ID theft and dispute the charges through your card/s. I recommend changing out all your account #s, BTW, not just the one you know was nicked. (Unless you’re 100% sure that’s the only compromised account.)

    As a victim of ID theft, you can protect your credit. Call Experion or one of the other agencies and they will offer you a free 3 month credit watch. Tell them you’ll take that service but you also want them to lock down your credit immediately. In some states you can do this for free; in others you have to pay a nominal fee but it’s worth it. The credit agencies also offer credit monitoring services. They cost between 10 and 15 dollars a month.

    The good news is the porn merchants will end up eating the charges. This is probably why the dude on the phone insisted your non-existent porn sick hubby made the purchases.

  18. Comrade PhysioProf

    Fanny is totally fucking SOMBR!!!111!!EXPLOSHUN!11!!1!!INFINITY!@111!!!11!!

  19. slythwolf

    Rule of Internet thumb: never use your debit card to pay for anything online. As Jill has undoubtedly found out, your liability isn’t any greater, but since such a card is tied directly to a bank account, it takes months to straighten things out.

    Gee, that’s great advice if the only way you can get a Visa isn’t a debit card.

  20. Squiggy

    Bummin’ for you and your puppy over here. Bummed out as well for the domestic, large- breasted-bred, version of meleagris gallopavo this time of year. Happy that people get together and all, but wonder why it has to include the torture and murder of millions of pets. What if dogs and cats, culturally, had been deemed the sacrificial, delicious beast in the center of the picturesque, evocative traditional dinner? Everybody would be disgusted at the ‘radicals’ saying that it was wrong to murder Felix and Prince. ‘It’s tradition! It’s delicious! So shut up!’ might have been a frequent reaction.

  21. wiggles

    Gee, that’s great advice if the only way you can get a Visa isn’t a debit card.

    I was thrown by that one too. I don’t understand how it’s any different from using a credit card online, since credit cards are also linked to bank accounts, though accounts of a different sort.
    I once had my credit locked down as Gayle advises above and it made using my credit cards a bit of a pain at the time, so there may be some trade-off between convenience and safety in that route.

    Meanwhile, if I may be indulged in some irrelevant venting, I’m thrilled to report that I was awoken this morning by the soothing sounds of power tools being drilled into the other side of my apartment wall. Making this experience especially special is the fact that when I went next door to point out the fact that it’s 8am on a Saturday, and a holiday weekend at that, the dude with the power drill slammed the door in my face. I complained to management, who professionally blew a lot of smoke up my keister. When I let slip my hypothesis that the guy wouldn’t have slammed the door in my face if I had been male, I was assured that that had nothing to do with it. Dudes dismiss other dudes’ complaints and slam doors in each other’s faces all the time, I’m sure. The fact that I’ve never seen such an occurrence in my entire life is a huge coincidence. In my groggy and increasingly frustrated state, I did utter a swear word, and this appears to have been taken by building management as the most egregious offense in this whole exchange – or maybe the second-most egregious next to asserting the possibility that a construction worker could be sexist.

  22. Mukherjee

    That’s outrageous. I hope you can get everything sorted out with your bank as soon as possible.

  23. Antoinette Niebieszczanski

    A course it was deliberate; what else?

    This happened to me about six years ago, to the tune of $350. It turned out to be some kid playing gambling games. My financial institution kicked the money back to me almost immediately — they were great. The worst bummer of the whole experience was having to do the police report. The cop who was supposed to help me was an insulting, condescending, woman-hating fartbag. If I passed him flaming in the street, I’d not spit on him to put him out.

    Hope Frannie mends quickly. Being young and in excellent health, her spirits oughtta be on the rise soon.

  24. Givesgoodemail

    “Gee, that’s great advice if the only way you can get a Visa isn’t a debit card.”
    Yet another way that Canadian financial systems make the American ones look like hoof-trodden, weather-beaten cow patties.
    Nonetheless, debit card piracy is far more difficult to entangle (usually) than credit card piracy. If you can, get a low-limit credit card (even with their extortionist interest rates) and pay that puppy off every month. Your Intertubz buying will be far safer.

  25. Frumious B.

    “Gee, that’s great advice if the only way you can get a Visa isn’t a debit card.”

    I assure you that it is possible to get a Visa which is not a debit card. I know, because I have one.

  26. Jezebella

    Frumious, the POINT is that some people are not able to get non-debit Visa cards because they are broke or have bad credit. And so, sometimes, they must use their debit cards if they wish to purchase something on the internet. See?

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