Nov 30 2009

Hugs, Twisty: fan mail from a flounder

Email from David Finnigan to twisty.faster
Sun, Nov 29, 2009 at 5:10 PM

[Dear Twisty,]

paragraphs like this:

‘Compulsory feminism, unlike the heartwarming compulsory capital ‘M’ misogyny the shoving down of which our throats are all accustomed to, is apparently nothing short of child abuse. One nervous misogynist, Australian Family Association spokesman John Morrissey, blurts with swaggering bravado that “strident feminist propaganda won’t wash with boys,” but he nevertheless vigorously opposes the program; apparently his confidence in the red-blooded Australian boy’s natural aversion to strident feminist propaganda is not 100%. He is anxious that some strident feminism might work its way in through the chinks. The “feminisation” of boys is already a Number 1 red-alert crisis situation, given the declining population of male teachers in schools. The fear that oppression-sensitivity training will pussywhip boys into a class of oppressed autobot pansies is not confined to Australian Family Association spokesman John Morrissey.’

are why IBTP is one of the best things on the web.

That’s really more to do with what an arid wasteland the rest of the internet is than anything else, but you know, good work.

Dear David Finnigan,

Thank you for taking the time to evaluate my paragraphs in terms of the rest of the Internet, and for sending the results of your evaluation to me. I don’t know when I’ve received so lukewarm a compliment!

No, wait, I think do know. It was the last time a dude emailed me.

I’m so grateful to you for your acknowledgment of my paragraphs, I just really wanna fuck you. Ya know, when women email me, it’s like my paragraphs don’t even exist. They’re all “I love your giant brain and I would so make out with you.” What a bunch of sluts!



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  1. norbizness

    He’s just saying that you’re like a desert oasis, or at least the band Oasis, who rescued us from The Spin Doctors.

    I would say more, but I need to harness the power of the internet to begin an epic battle against what Thundercloud Subs is trying to pass off as a cheesesteak sandwich.

  2. Pinko Punko

    I love how Norbiz is slighted by the slings and arrows of Austin cuisine. Try walking in my shoes, chundermuffin. A dumptruck of Long John Silvers’ “lobster bites” is headed to your compound now, with my compliments.

  3. Gnatalby

    Wowza. That’s pretty backhanded.

  4. humanbein

    This post is getting dude-only comments. That’s remarkable.

  5. SargassoSea

    Isn’t there a campfire song about this braintrust? Something about drooling-on-his-chin-again?

    (Lame, to be sure, but juvenile name-based low blows amuse me.)

  6. Notorious Ph.D.

    I love your paragraphs, and would so make out with you.

  7. Felicity


    “I think your blog is good,
    David Gravity.”

    I wouldn’t mind the use of ‘good’ to describe your blog if it was Andrea Dworkin or Shakespeare. David what’s- his- face and every other lame dude can screw right off.

  8. Liz

    I haven’t noticed your paragraphs, but they are still better than the rest of the internet.

  9. Aunty Christ

    Jill, I love your giant brain.

    I also want to say that David’s email to you is the best kinda-sorta-fan email to a blogger I’ve read on the internet this morning. Of course, I’ve only been up a few minutes and just turned on my computer. In any case, I read his email, and I want to say that it looks like he wrote it and then sent it to you. Nice job, David. Thanks for all your hard work.

  10. yttik

    There was a comedy rerun on last night where a guy asks, did you just hire me because you needed a token Hispanic? And the bosses reply, oh no, trust us, if we could have found a white guy with your qualifications we would have hired him instead!

  11. Jill

    “I need to harness the power of the internet to begin an epic battle against what Thundercloud Subs is trying to pass off as a cheesesteak sandwich.”

    I get the “Veggie Delight With Everything.” The only power that has to be harnessed for that is the power of the sandwichista to finish hootin his doob in the parking lot.

  12. Pantsuit Sally

    David, you smell good. I mean in comparison to a three-day-dead cat wrapped in a used fraternity carpet. Smooches!

  13. Jezebella

    Ah, Thundercloud Subs, how I miss their doob-fueled sandwich dudes. Y’all are making me homesick for Austin cuisine.

  14. rubysecret


  15. Jane Q Public

    Any remarks dudes deem fit to bestow upon us should be taken graciously. When a man gives you his favor, the ladylike thing to do is curtsy and nod thankfully. After all, a man’s favor is the greatest gift he can give you.

    David’s backasswards complimentary style literally made me sneer. What a pompous ass.

  16. Hattie

    I think your work is very good, for a woman.

  17. Shelby

    Oh sweet David, your declaration of love is unequalled. Let us bask in the ordinariness that is Twisty. For though she art plain as an arrowroot biscuit, for certain she poundeth on her keyboard better than anybody else in your field of vision today!

  18. Squiggy

    Exposed! Most of us want nothing more than to make out with you and your giant brain. We worshiping sluts can only dream of that incredible possibility.

  19. Jodie

    Giant brains? Watch out for the zombies! Or the trolls. Or troll zombies!

  20. VinaigretteGirl

    I think he has violated the ToUA in terms of the supercilious asshole bits, but they aren’t mine to enforce, and besides, I enjoy reading what cheese-for-brains men write on this blog sometimes. I needed a spot of WTFery this morning, it’s a change from political discourse, which is full of authoritarian, supercilious assholes.


    I love your giant brain and I would so make out with you.

  22. Foilwoman

    Your brain and your writing are wonderful. I love you, and I will make no claim to any relationship, physical or otherwise, as I am a mere fan, basking in the radiance of your presence. David Finnigan may be a very nice men, but given the quality of men we see everyday, being a very nice man is like being on of the more musically talented members of the Partridge Family. Really: you’re probably nicer than Tucker Max.

  23. Antoinette Niebieszczanski

    I love your giant brain, and your paragraphs are unparallelled, but it was the vidlet of you playing “Tool of the Patriarchy” on the liquid cleanser squirt bottle that captured my heart.

  24. Larkspur

    Well, all of you people (except possibly the flounder) are way classier than I am. From the get-go, as soon as I read his e-mail, it smelt off to me. I had to mullet over, and even though I know you can’t throw a net over every single turbot-charged chum that flops down the pike, it’s still kind of annoying when a chowderhead has chips on his shoulder.

    Sometimes you have to stop and smell the plankton. You begin to realize that you don’t have to live in the problem; you don’t have to be a painbow when you can be a rainbow trout.

    Oh, leave me alone. Yes, I’m feeling piscivorous today, but why shouldn’t I, since I’m a Pisces.

  25. slythwolf

    Okay, now I want to make out with Larkspur.

  26. Amananta

    “I love your giant brain and I would so make out with you.”

    Well, sign me up for the slut wagon. Of course I will have to wait in line behind the inestimable giver of backhanded compliments, David, who counts more than me because he has a penis. Right?

  27. SKM

    Larkspur: Thank you. I really, really needed that laugh right now.

  28. ew_nc

    Larkspur, you have sole.

  29. PandanCat

    Larkspur, “turbot-charged chum flop[ping] down the pike” is one of the most fabulous turns of phrase I’ve seen lately. It’s as sharp as a well-honed swordfish, as attention-grabbing as those little Amazon fish that give men nightmares! (What are those things called, anyway?)

  30. Antoinette Niebieszczanski

    PandanCat, do you mean piranhas or those itty-bitty ones that swim up the urethras of unsuspecting dudebros?

  31. PandanCat

    Oh, everybody’s scared of piranhas; it’s the weenie invaders that I’m referring to. I almost want to raise some in a home aquarium. (I vowed to never keep fish again after my koi committed suicide last year. Of course, that won’t stop me from telling dudebros that I have them.)

  32. Bizzie Lizzie

    The critters in question are called candiru. Don’t think they discriminate too much though. Any urethra is fair game.

    Shark attack victims are more commonly male, though, according to my big book of sharks. I’d have to sift through a whole lot of ichtyological resources to find up to date statistics on that. I wonder why.

  33. jezebella

    Sharks: secretly radfem?

  34. PandanCat

    It’s not surprising that the candiru (thanks!) go for any urethra, but it always seems that men get more worked up about them. Watch out! It’s gonna penetrate you! That fish is gonna make you gay!

  35. Bizzie Lizzie

    A candiru lodged in my urethra would probably have me hopping right enough and I is no man.

    I think the 9:1 or so ratio of M:F shark attacks is because men are daft. Spear fishing on the sandbanks anyone? Nice bit of bloody destructive thrusting in murky water? Grrr.

    Natural selection, see?

  36. Antoinette Niebieszczanski

    “A candiru lodged in my urethra would probably have me hopping right enough and I is no man.”

    Yes, but you’re far less likely to be standing in the river waving your weenie. So although I have no data to back it up, I’m betting the fellas are more prone to urethral invasion.

  37. Jezebella

    Seriously, Annette, you are so right. The male compulsion to pee everywhere, and especially in every body of water visible, is apparently irresistible. You don’t see women standing in the river taking a giant visible piss all that often.

  38. io

    Radfem Sharks: band name?

    I have heard (so very authoritative) that candiru are more likely to parasitize men because they (men) have more linear urethrae than women. Wikipedia (also authoritative) says there’s only one documented case of (male) urethral entry of candiru.

    There is a slight possibility that the flounder in question was giving a genuine-for-internet-culture compliment, as too much sincerity can be mistaken for weakness. IBTP for this; also, while I’m terrible at doing the taxes, would happily clean up the margarita accoutrements at Chez Twisty.

  39. PandanCat

    Only one recorded incident? I am so very disappointed. Candiru obviously do not live up to the hype.

    Okay. Sharks it is!

  40. annie

    your brain is admirable but I only make out with specially chosen persons.

    but you got enuf offers here to last awhile!

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