«

»

Dec 04 2009

Hugs, Twisty: “I just need to commandeer your uterus for a sec.”

Rejected comment from reader bilbertson on an August, 2007 post entitled UterusWatch 2007, in which I discuss a couple of legislative efforts to restrict women’s access to abortion, one of which required written consent of the “father”:

[Dear Twisty]

I know I’m commenting on this much later than it was posted but I hope readers will still consider my perspective

I very much think men should have a say in the future of their embryo/baby but not a say in the future of a woman’s own uterus

I think that women who don’t want to use their uteri to carry a particular pregnancy be allowed to terminate the pregnacny. Then the man could still have the embryo at said point. If he wants a baby, it should be his responsibility to nurture and develop the embryo into a fetus and viable child.

This is all outrageous and very maddening.

_______________________________________

Dear bilbertson,

As you know, bilbertson, from having read the FAQ twice — for certainly you did not omit to complete this small patriarchy-blaming prerequisite — it is not merely the stated goal of I Blame the Patriarchy, but also my own highest moral imperative to personally consider your personal perspective, particularly if it is antifeminist, and if you begin every sentence with “I,” and if you decline to punctuate.

I am happy to inform you that your perspective is worthless.

According to the Twistifesto, once a man has shot his wad, the wad becomes a waste product the sovereign control over which the wad-shooter has no expectation to exert. Men who wish, as you say, to “nurture” their wads — collected, perhaps, in a tube sock or family-sized block of Velveeta? — are of course at liberty to do so, although if you don’t mind my saying so it would probably start to smell a little funky after a while. Still, chacun à son goût, as long as you leave me out of it.

The notion of male entitlement to embryos implanted in women runs afoul of a woman’s right to personal bodily sovereignty and as such proposes criminal violence. As I just explained, ownership of the wad terminates when it departs the chute. While there’s nothing to prevent a woman who is so inclined from chucking her discarded embryo at you, or even, I suppose, to prevent you from fishing it out of the biohazard bin, I predict some difficulty on your part in developing such a thing into a “viable child,” as it is my understanding that this process always requires a uterus, to which organ a woman is infallibly attached. In other words, the scenario you describe involves a compulsory pregnancy. Compulsory pregnancy, it turns out, is a crime against humanity.

I Blame the Patriarchy encourages Dude Nation to abandon the Earth-dooming folly of human reproduction and “wanting a baby” altogether.

Hugs,
Twisty

55 comments

1 ping

  1. Pinko Punko

    Savage Death Island is cooking with gas this week.

  2. Foilwoman

    If only I had reliable Internet access right now. Twisty/Jill makes that lack in my life oh so evident. And no, bilbertson, if you don’t have a uterus, you really don’t get a say in an embryo’s development into a fetus or further. Unless you’re really good with the inventing.

  3. Jane Q Public

    For the lova christ, these men and their infinite love for the almighty sperm. Imagine if women were so enamored with their cast off eggs? Why menstrual blood would take on a whole new meaning. Give the boys their jizzy velveeta blocks. I want one of those plug-in, light up mini fountains meant for the mantle. Oh, the sweet gurgle of my fertile juices.

  4. Alderson Warm-Fork

    “Then the man could still have the embryo at said point. If he wants a baby, it should be his responsibility to nurture and develop the embryo into a fetus and viable child.”

    I read that and thought it was a joke. Like, agreeing with you that men having the right to their embryos was ridiculous, because obvious you can’t nurture the embryo into a child without a uterus.

  5. humanbein

    I’m clinging to my privilege
    In every way I can
    I don’t want my dick juice
    To end in your garbage can.

    It’s not just yucky cock drool
    It’s my baby, can’t you see?
    It’s precious and it’s holy
    Like our Patriarchy, see?

  6. Laughingrat

    Wait, stop the presses! A dude is going to give us ladies his perspective? Holy crap, that has never at all happened in the entire history of patriarchy. Let us sit attentively and absorb his wisdom!

    As if dudely perspective isn’t piped into our cerebral cortices 24/7 like some kind of particularly rancid Muzak. Criminy.

  7. Jane Q Public

    My cum has worth, don’t you know
    It should never go to waste?
    That’s a baby who should grow
    Not be thrown out in haste!

    Evil woman, hang your head
    In ultimate shame
    For ’tis not the jizz spewers
    Who art to blame!

  8. Lullabee

    I agree with Alderson Warm-Fork. It definitely sounds like a joke that just didn’t come across right.

    Sort of like The Life of Brian: “You gonna keep it in a box?”

    Or he could keep the aborted fetus wrapped in a paper towel in Tupperware in his freezer, like a dead hamster no one ever got around to burying.

  9. M the Pedagogue

    Wait, that wasn’t a joke? Maybe I’m turning soft, but I read bilbertson’s “perspective” to be kind of brilliantly ironic. From the abuse of the every-thought-starts-with-I to the “consider my perspective” plea, it’s formal mimicry well played. The image of giving a hot steaming pile of pregnancy goo to the concerned would-be-father is amazing. “What, you want this? Okay, here’s your preshus baybee.” It gives the lie to “birth begins at conception” shit, and it also illustrates in no uncertain terms the “what about the daddies!” is just a cover for what is truly an effort to establish compulsory pregnancy. All packed into a short little post that apes the MRA voice.

    If this was unintentional humor, it’s goddamn amazing. Either that or my PhD work in humanities is already starting to get to me.

  10. slythwolf

    Every sperm is sacred
    Every sperm is great
    If a sperm gets wasted
    God gets quite irate

  11. JRoth

    Another vote here for “joke;” I’m not sure how else to read “If he wants a baby, it should be his responsibility to nurture and develop the embryo into a fetus and viable child,” given the current state of science.

    That said, I may start signing all of my correspondence, “This is all outrageous and very maddening.”

  12. procrastinatrix

    I too thought it might be a brilliant joke, but I figure Jill has much more practice than I at processing random comments on old posts, so I trust her interpretation.

  13. Cycles

    Please consider my perspective, which is refreshingly insightful and will solve everything. If Twisty doesn’t want to use bilbertson’s comment, I do very much think that blamers should have a say in the matter. I think that Twisty should be allowed to terminate the comment, but we should have the right to take over the comment and nurture and interpret it into a viable joke.

  14. Jill

    It couldn’t be a joke, because the email address was a dot edu, and as you all know, those guys can’t bear to be so clever without calling attention to their genius (there would have been more obvious gratuitous grammar or spelling errors), which leaves as the only possibility that the author is a college sophomore, i.e. not capable of the required level of anti-punctuational and satiric sophistication.

  15. Liz

    I agree with those who thought it was a joke. I also agree that it was very clever. I think it’s a fine idea! In fact, I think we should hand out such material to protesters outside of clinics.

    I also think Cycles’ comment is even more clever than bilbertson’s comment.

  16. Cathy

    Great idea, bilb! If the guy really wants that embryo, he can have it, and take over all responsibility for incubating it. Then everybody’s happy.

  17. Jill

    I really don’t think guys who go around pronging women who have no wish to reproduce should be rewarded with embryos. The only way human reproduction doesn’t infringe on women’s autonomy is if dudes figure out a way to do it without any female genetic material or surrogacy whatsoever.

  18. Felicity

    If men could do that, eh! Maybe bilb’s pinpointed the crux of the patriarchy.

  19. Saurs

    I thought bilbertson was implying that aborted fetuses, like houseplants, can be transplanted — in this case from a mean, cranky uterus to a nice, motherly one that’s attached to a surrogate. I mean, surely the Power and Mystery of Life-Making Lady Bits makes this all possible, right? I also thought bilbertson was saying that a dude can like, talk to the little transplanted fetus and kind of, encourage it to grow, in the same voice some people use to speak to their aspidistras. Human reproduction can’t be more complicated than that! Women are so whine-y about every little thing!

  20. Liz

    I would like to take back my earlier statement, “I think we should hand out such material to protesters outside of clinics.” Instead we should send the protesters bills for the support of all of the children awaiting adoption.

  21. JRoth

    rewarded with embryos

    You seem to be placing a different value on an extracted embryo than I would. Or possibly on the connotation of “reward.”

  22. Jill

    “You seem to be placing a different value on an extracted embryo than I would. Or possibly on the connotation of ‘reward’.”

    Ha!

  23. goblinbee

    I read bilbertson as very tongue-in-cheek and very funny. He seemed to be making Jill’s exact point, the the process “always requires a uterus.”

  24. thebewilderness

    Absolute agreement with bilby. He certainly should be able to reassert property rights to his glop should the uteri possessor choose to reject it. Not the egg part of the embryo though. That isn’t his, so he isn’t entitled to reclaim it. Just the gloppy bits.

  25. Jill

    Look here, if bilbertson were a joke, it’s a joke I didn’t get, which would mean I don’t have a sense of humor. Which is patently impossible, because I am a radical feminist, for crying out loud. Ergo, bilbertson isn’t a joke.

    Damn. You know I’m down sick when I spend the entire day commenting on my own blog.

  26. Shopstewardess

    Anyone who posts on the blog of a radical feminist under the description “bill son of bert” in order to assert male rights over female reproduction is incapable of making the sort of joke that gets past Jill.

    I detect a young male desperately warped by patriarchal godbaggery and trying to reconcile its precepts with the idea that women might be partially human.

  27. Comrade PhysioProf

    I predict some difficulty on your part in developing such a thing into a “viable child,” as it is my understanding that this process always requires a uterus, to which organ a woman is infallibly attached.

    Maybe the d00d’s been reading up on his Firestone.

  28. gozzibopli

    He WAS making a joke, and the point he was trying to make with it was indeed that a fetus can’t live without a uterus. He thought that maybe Jill had not thought of that fact, and that through his joke, he would reveal to her how unfair it is for women to be so selfish with their own uteri. The poor men can’t grow babies on their own! He wanted his joke to enlighten us feminists to men’s plight. But we already knew their jizz ain’t worth shit! Joke’s on him.

  29. io

    If dear billsonofbert were a person of great wit, he would have omitted the first two sentences of his comments. So I’m with Jill on this one, though “this is all outrageous and very maddening” is indeed a great way to sign emails.

    Also, love the inspired rhymes in these comments!

  30. Shaina

    If men were meant to have equal ownership over procreative cells/embryos/fetuses, then women would be laying eggs.

  31. Kieran

    Those of you ignoring the sarcasm are just running with the joke right? If not, perhaps bilbertson needs to invest in some backwards italics

    http://blogs.suntimes.com/scanners/2009/09/sarcastica_would_this_help.html

  32. yttik

    Women have dominion over reproduction by design. Our autonomy is constantly under attack because of it. It may have been intended as a joke, but the amusement ceases when you start to think of the custody battles actually happening over embryos at this moment. It’s not progress to have women viewed as simply incubators and a product of their bodies being viewed as property potentially belonging to someone else.

  33. gozzibopli

    I know that bilbertson’s joke wasn’t funny. I was just sayin’ he was trying to make a joke and that he thought his sarcasm would enlighten us. I don’t think his whole comment was meant as a joke, though — he really does think women owe him our baby-making parts.

  34. birkwearingblamer

    If his wad is so sacred and precious, then he should be more careful where he leaves it.

  35. AvengingGerbil

    ‘The only way human reproduction doesn’t infringe on women’s autonomy is if dudes figure out a way to do it without any female genetic material or surrogacy whatsoever’

    Does it not seem likely that in this event we would be ‘permitted’ our autonomy only at the price of our superfluity to the patriarchy? How many women do you think they would keep around once they could create more BabyDudes without our input?

  36. Jill

    “How many women do you think they would keep around once they could create more BabyDudes without our input?”

    Woa, buzzkill!

  37. rubysecret

    This dude’s perspective is the crux of all misogyny. The fact that, despite several millennia of oppression and enslavement, women ultimately have control over reproduction. There’s nothing dudes can do about that no matter how hard they try. Must be frustrating.

  38. shallowwater

    I first thought it was a joke in the ‘ha ha, sending the dude home with a sack of bloody embryo, that’s hilarious’ sort of way, though the alternate ‘joke’ (wow, asking a dude to nurture an embryo is ridiculous as he doesn’t have the right equipment, don’t you see how ridiculous your position is) is probably more likely, given the state of the world.

  39. Hedgepig

    It’s not just frustrating, rubysecret, it’s outrageous and very maddening!

  40. Shaina

    Can we please stop anointing this comment with the title of “joke”? If this was a joke, there would at least be a playful emoticon incorporated into the signature. That message is far too primitive to even aspire to engage in joke status.

  41. Squiggy

    Geez. Waiting to read IBTP until the evening, I miss a full-blown kerfuffle over some dude’s opinion? Am I dreaming? A large percentage of the Blamerati calls him different forms of brilliant?
    I think he’s as dead serious as his jiz-ignited dead embryo, i.e., that he’s not joking. I also firmly believe that he will lie if he answers Twisty’s question as to joke or not-joke.

  42. humanbein

    I, by not providing an unsurpassable example of wit and technical poetic proficiency, have opened the commentariat floodgates of doggerel.

    Only the most subtle and advanced of radical feminists would have been capable of crafting this email as a joke. The dude hasn’t a clue!

  43. slythwolf

    It is a joke I have made on occasion (“Let the protesting dude gestate the fetus in his uterus! Oh wait.”), but I don’t think this dude is making it. Or if he is, he ain’t funny.

  44. Jane Q Public

    I thought your poetics were quite good, humanbein. It inspired me to write my own.

    The dude was referring to some ideal future world where men will be able to put an embryo in the microwave on high power until it reaches full baby. Or some other nonsense. He wasn’t joking, just hoping and longing for the day dudes can claim gestation for themselves.

  45. Jenn

    No way that email is a joke. No one is so brilliant or so versed in radical feminist dogma to have the chops to pull off something so self-aware. Or would it be self-ignorant? I have the greatest mental picture: a dude, with a jaunty sweaty vest, pressed slacks, and penny loafers, clutching his perfectly coiffed hair and exclaiming, “outrageous! Maddening!”

  46. blonderengel

    Q: “How many women do you think they would keep around once they could create more BabyDudes without our input?”

    Plenty — more than now, even.

    Relieved from the pressures and compromises and diplomacy of marriage, they will dip their wicks into every available powder keg.

    Don’t sell yourself short, ladies. They love their offspring like they love up-trending stock markets.

    But more, much more than this, they allow themselves the illusion of indispensability … they are born like this. Naturally, they’d forget to plan ahead for sufficient pussy for their off-spring, thus allowing for a nasty two-front, multi-dimensional war.

    If no women are alive at that point, praise whatever goddess you deem responsible for this act of mercy. But I’m afraid just enough of us have survived to be pitched against one another.

    As always.

    Women: the original bad news bears.

  47. agasaya

    Tell him he won’t have any worries at all if he limits himself to gay sex.

  48. speedbudget

    I would happily hand him over my uterus in order to put little fetuses in. Of course, then the question is: Where will he put the uterus? I imagine it would be kind of like a colostomy bag for reproductive effluvia.

  49. Frumious B.

    How many women do you think they would keep around once they could create more BabyDudes without our input?

    Well, they can blow each other but for some reason continue to keep us around for that, so I’m guessing Dude Nation will keep the ladies around regardless of what they can do themselves (like, you know, dishes, etc.)

  50. Katherine

    And here we see Poe’s Law in action, whereby it is approaching impossible to tell the difference between fundamentalist/patriarchal output and satire.

  51. Ciccina

    C’mon, people. Unless i’ve missed something big from the World of Science, its impossible to develop a living, viable fetus out of the remains of a terminated pregnancy.

    The joke is essentially this: “Here, you guys want the damn embryo so much, you can have it. Good luck with that.” Or, even shorter, “I got your fetus right here, dumbass” (flings fetus).

    This could be sketch comedy in the hands of the young and self-medicated Monty Python, or Sarah Silverman. (The episode of the Sarah Silverman show where she accidentally joins an anti-choice terrorist group, “Bored of the Rings,” is already pretty damn funny and amazingly its available on iTunes – I guess it flew beneath the abortion censorship radar).

    Cut the kid some slack already.

  52. Jill

    “And here we see Poe’s Law in action, whereby it is approaching impossible to tell the difference between fundamentalist/patriarchal output and satire.”

    Many’s the time a confused reader has been unable to distinguish this blog from antifeminist satire.

    Bilbertson is being outrageous and very maddening by not dropping by to clear up the mystery, I must say.

    RE: Sarah Silverman: Has her show stopped relying on fart jokes? And who is “the young and self-medicated Monty Python”?

  53. PandanCat

    Flung fetuses flutter furiously ‘cross the firmament, finally falling at the feet of the frantic father.

  54. Ciccina

    @ Jill

    Actually, I never watched Silverman’s show except for that one episode. Generally her humor doesn’t appeal to me, but I saw a promo spot that used the word “abortion,” so naturally I was all over it. I wanted to see if Silverman’s “edgy” style is limited to patriarchy-friendly molestation jokes and endless bathroom humor, or if she’d take on a truly taboo, career-killer topic. To my surprise, she totally went there – she lampooned clinic protestors and their stupid slogans, exhibited not even a hint of sensitivity on this VERY SERIOUS TOPIC, and didn’t create pro-choice/feminist straw women to mock in order to be “even-handed.” It was pretty gutsy — because in the media, *no* cohort is more molly-coddled than pro-lifers.

    By “young and self-medicated Monty” I meant back when they were creatively-fertile and perpetually high. I should have just said that.

  55. Ann

    It’s the “a” (accent grave) that gives it away. This francophile insists the phrase (without accents because I can’t figure those out in email) is “A chacun son gout.”

  1. Separate, not equal: why reproductive care stands alone | TheWorldPolitics

    [...] the main thing that the political elite have bought into is that women don’t own their bodies, aren’t competent to make decisions about them and may only be absolved of dirty slutdom if [...]

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>